Hello All [Archive] - No More Panic

HarrogateChris

21-11-10, 17:10

Hi,

My name's Christian (Chris), I've been diagnosed with depression which I thinks stems from some sort of Attachment/Dependent personality disorder type issues. I think I've probably been quite ill since my teenage years (I'm 40 now) but have just thought that was how I was.

Since May I've been having real difficulties, which encouraged me to see a psychotherapist and start taking St Johns Wort. Things have deteriorated due to the problems my issues were causing with a colleague I also counted as my best friend. I was signed off work for a month and switched to taking citalopram (20mg) just over two weeks ago. So far I feel worse and have palpitations but it's early days. My friend has told me this week she's not comfortable being my friend any more. She meant the world to me. My partner (female), thank goodness, seems to understand why I'm so upset over the loss of this other female friend. Although, given how upset I am, I'm not sure whether her understanding will last as long as my hurt.

I'm frightened, I'm off work, my depression seems to be getting deeper and my world is really starting to fall apart.

Hoping talking to some others who understand what it's like when your mind no longer seems like your own will help!

Chris

diane07

21-11-10, 17:12

Hi HarrogateChris

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

Kerry B

21-11-10, 17:25

:welcome: aboard to the NMP you will no never been alone. Best wishes Kerry

Vanilla Sky

21-11-10, 17:33

Hi Chris and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Paige x

paula lynne

21-11-10, 17:36

Hi Chris, its great to meet you, welcome aboard. :welcome:

HarrogateChris

21-11-10, 17:43

Thanks for the welcome - all this reading is keeping my mind nice and busy :)

paula lynne

21-11-10, 17:45

Hi again Chris, read the stuff in the left hand column, its a good place to start with basic panic/anx/ocd/depression etc...until you get a feel for the forum. Youre not alone x

SHYGIRLAJB

21-11-10, 18:19

Hi, Chris,

Welcome to NMP, hope you find this forum/board useful.

From another Harrogate person.

Anita,

HarrogateChris

21-11-10, 18:22

From another Harrogate person.

Must be something in the water :)

Chris

mrsworry

21-11-10, 18:26

hi chris i just joined too i have suffered anxiety and depression and at present am on fluxotine ( prozac) previously i have taken what you have been prescribed and i just wanted to say for the first 3 weeks on it you feel worse ie tired weepy etc then when it adjusts in your body you will start to feel better.. sounds like things are bad for you at mo try and stay positive and take comfort in the fact that your not alone

Going home

21-11-10, 18:32

Hi Chris and welcome. Sometimes partners or family and friends don't understand even though they try, so it might be an idea to let your partner take a look at the forum too sometimes and maybe give her more of an idea about depression and how people here share their anxieties. It might help you both through this. And as has been said, it can take a little while before the meds kick in properly...the storm before the calm so to speak :)

Take care
GH xx

SHYGIRLAJB

21-11-10, 18:33

Must be something in the water :)

Chris

Not really sure on that one, but its a small world, lol.

HarrogateChris

21-11-10, 18:35

i just wanted to say for the first 3 weeks on it you feel worse ... sounds like things are bad for you at mo try and stay positive and take comfort in the fact that your not alone

Thanks MrsWorry, I know I'm just telling myself I have to get through these 3 weeks, but I'm in a mess. The despair of losing my friend is horrific. I know my brain is wonky and I have issues there but the pain feels so very very intense and real.

C.

HarrogateChris

21-11-10, 18:40

Not really sure on that one, but its a small world, lol.

:)

recoil

21-11-10, 18:54

hi and :welcome: to nmp

x0xrachx0x

22-11-10, 17:25

Hi Chris

I too suffer from anixety and slight depression, i started taking Cit 3 weeks ago and im almost on my fourth week now. The first couple of weeks were not good, made my anxiety a lot worse and I genuinley felt like i was taking steps back instead of forward. But hang in there it does get better, it is a slow process but you will eventually start to see some changes soon. I have met some really lovely people on this site and each day we talk about how were feeling so you have come to the best place :).

All the best.. Rach x

HarrogateChris

22-11-10, 17:53

suzy-sue

22-11-10, 17:54

Hi and :welcome:Chris ..There are lots of us here who have come through the Meds experience to help you through .Try to get well before you think too much about your friendship problems .If things are meant to be ,they will be .It can be very difficuult for others to understand what its like to have these sort of problems ,But there will be plenty of support here to help you get back on track ..Good luck with your journey .luv Sue x

HarrogateChris

22-11-10, 18:09

Try to get well before you think too much about your friendship problems....But there will be plenty of support here to help you get back on track

I'm trying to just park my upset over my friend somewhere by telling myself, that I will deal with those feelings when I'm feeling better, but that I need to focus on getting better. Don't want to bottle it up, but I'm just not strong enough right now.

Just wanted to add how deeply touched I am by the genuine concern and friendship that I've been shown by people here already. What a wonderful bunch of people. :flowers:

Chris

SHYGIRLAJB

22-11-10, 18:13

Hi, hun,

You can vent as much as you want on these boards, don't bottle things up, that is deffo not good for you.

You have to think about you for a change and try and get yourself better, rather than trying to work out this that and the other with your friend. :hugs::hugs:

Anita, xx.

HarrogateChris

22-11-10, 18:25

You can vent as much as you want on these boards, don't bottle things up, that is deffo not good for you.

You're right Anita, I'm hoping by acknowledging to myself that I will deal with these feelings at some point in the future I can try to move forward. The chatterbox in my head just has this never ending hypothetical conversation with my friend thinking of the magic words that will make things better, but there aren't any magic words. I think it's not helping me, or any hope for a making things better, obsessing like this on what has happened.

My therapist says I need to stop trying to think my way out of this. She's right :blush:

Chris

x0xrachx0x

22-11-10, 18:29

Thanks Rachel, Day 18 on the Cit today and not great. Spent the day with my Dad in his workshop learning some woodwork. I'm hoping to make a career change to boat building soon by way of making a life I like for myself. But arrived at Mum & Dads and collapsed into tears from the effort of the hour drive. Was quite tired after a bad night last night anyway. Had a call from the estate agents with a low offer on the house (we're selling up to fund the life changes) so had to try and cope with the negotiations there as well.

Just got so much going on, trying to make the right decisions to get my life back on track but I barely know which way is up at the moment!

Chris

Hi Chris,
Try not to put to much pressure on yourseld, i know its hard but just try and take each day as it comes, i too have had days were I just burst into tears at the thought of certain things. Today I have had a bad day, i am still currently at work and dont want to be signed off as I am afraid of sitting at home doing nothing will make me worse but when I woke up this mroning I had to call in sick at work because I just could not face going in but I am hoping today is just a blip and tomorrow I will feel a little more positive. The tabs are a very slow process but in the long run they will help us, I have felt like just giving up on them but people tell me just to carry on as they will eventually work. So try and keep positive and try not to put to much pressure on yourself and you will get there in the end :hugs: xx

paula lynne

22-11-10, 18:30

Hi Chris, you mentioned "the chatterbox" and it rang a bell with me...Have you ever heared of Susan Jeffers? Shes the author of "Fear the fear and do it anyway"....she talkes a lot about the chatterbox and how it makes us crazy...and how to turn it off. Ive got it on tape (so old fashioned now!), but Ive been listening to it for 10 years, and enjoy the sound of her voice, very calming after a stressful day. I wonder if you may find this useful. :)

michelle123

22-11-10, 18:37

Hi chris, I'm Michelle, I'm 31 and I have anxiety (mainly health anxiety) and have suffered with depression. Citalopram are a great help, the side effects in the 1st 2-3 weeks are a bit scary, you feel detatched from your self, from life. I was on them for 12 months but they worked so well that i felt i just no longer needed them anymore as they had done there job and made me 'normal' again, which is where you will get, everything feels 1005 worse when you have depression, I too lost friends, but looking back now....they wernt anything special if they wernt there when i needed them most, so now I think.. "screw you witches". What a wonderfull and understanding partner you have too. You'll get through this Chris, I promise xx:)

HarrogateChris

22-11-10, 18:46

Rach - I'm impressed you're still coping at work with the cit. I stayed at work a long time thinking I was better off, I'm not so sure now, maybe it would have been better to look after myself. I was scared of being on my own all day and that is really hard. I got signed off when my manager, who'd been a fantastic support, was signed off for the stress. I had a total breakdown in the office. I'd been crying at my desk for months.

Paula - thanks, I'll have a look on Amazon :) [Edited to add: I've ordered the book :) ]

Michelle - good to meet you, I'm feeling so welcome here :hugs:

Chris

x0xrachx0x

22-11-10, 20:38

Im forcing myself to go in everyday, its only because its quite a new job and no one at work knows and I dont think my boss would understand, and the last thing i want is to lose my job, think that would just be the last thing that would just do it for me. If you feel being off work is the best thing for you and you have an understand manager then that is great, you do need to focus on yourself and getting better. The tablets are slow, unfortunetly, i just wish it would only take a few days and we would all feel ourselves again but I guess just need to be patient :shrug:. We will get there and feel ourselves again soon, its great to have people to talk to who understand and are going through the same. :hugs: xx

HarrogateChris

23-11-10, 19:00

Had a pretty good day today (Cit day 19). Slept pretty well last night, 5 hours (8 used to be normal). I was planning on going to my boat for the day but didn't feel too great first thing and was thinking I wouldn't bother. But, I felt like I'd be dissapointed if I didn't go so I pushed myself out of the door. Broke the drive (an hour) up by stopping for a coffee which really helped. Got a few jobs done, took things easy and had a new friend from NMP keeping me company by text which was really kind. Bit of a wobble at lunchtime, but got through the day without too much anxiety.

On the way back had to keep pulling off the motorway to deal with calls from the estate agent (trying to make some big life changes to escape my misery) which was stressful. Now I've got home and have a message about a future meeting from a book group that my lost friend invited me too join. It meant so much when she invited me and I used to enjoy going so much. Feel really uncomfortable about going now though. I also saw she was online and I'm all a bit shaky and feeling a bit anxious again and the chatterbox is banging on the door wanting to rule my thoughts :weep:

Chris

SHYGIRLAJB

23-11-10, 22:51

Hi Chris,

Can't you go to that book group, when you are feeling better and in the right mind to go?? Try and calm down and take deep breathes or something.

Yeah I know im sorry, its easier said than done.

Sorry not really sure what else to say, apart from sending you big hugs. :hugs:

Anita. XX.

mrsworry

25-11-10, 22:43

HI was glad you were starting to feel a bit better shame you had a bit of a set back but sounds like you are doing really well try and keep going one small step at a time rome wasnt built in a day lol i know you will get there and hard as it is too lose a friend just think her loss too and maybe it wasnt meant to be because a true friend is loyal no matter what happens and would never turn their back on you when you needed them most:mad:

mrsworry

25-11-10, 22:46

plus you got the new anxious people group to replace the book group !!!! see life has its pluses as well as minuses!!! ( sorry i cant spell .......):blush:

HarrogateChris

25-11-10, 23:20

Day 21 on the Cit today and I'm pretty certain it's starting to work :D

Still feeling a bit like a corked bottle, but had a really good session with the therapist this evening, really felt like I was starting to get a grasp on the issues underlying my anxiety and depression.

Mornings are still pretty rough though.

Not going to be too hard on my lost friend because I've been unravelling for a long time and shouldn't have fought so hard to stay in work. My issues will have made me a pretty paranoid and hyper-sensitive person to be around. Need to not blame myself though, therapist said :whistles:

Really liking my new anxious friends, I understand them, they understand me. It's good to know others are feeling the things I feel.

Chris

paula lynne

25-11-10, 23:24

Thats great Chris, Im so glad your session went well for you, a great positive start. Well done x:yesyes:

HarrogateChris

25-11-10, 23:31

Thats great Chris, Im so glad your session went well for you, a great positive start. Well done x:yesyes:

Not sure it counts as a start I've been in therapy for 6 months!! :blush:

Feeling really positive tonight, I'm not better, but if I can deal with my 'stuff' then I can see a future where I'm OK.

We accepted an offer on the house yesterday, if that goes to plan it means we can escape this life that has us in our down trodden rut. It means I can pay the course fees for the boat building course that I have a place on starting in March. New career, new direction, new way of life, all petrifying and exciting!

Chris

paula lynne

25-11-10, 23:35

I meant a positive start to wellness I hope :wacko:
Youve got some exciting new adventures and doors opening up for you, tell your body "Its not anxiety...Its EXCITEMENT" yippeee! All the best with it. x

HarrogateChris

26-11-10, 00:02

I meant a positive start to wellness I hope :wacko:

Ahh, sorry Paula I misunderstood, yes it feels like a good start on the way to wellness.

Think I need to be careful I don't get carried away and try to go too fast, I keep getting little reminders that I'm still fragile. But feeling good, I might even sleep tonight!!!

Chris xx

HarrogateChris

26-11-10, 19:46

Day 22 today and not so good, all the positive feelings of yesterday have evaporated and it's been pretty rubbish.

Being far too hard on myself for not being better and need to give myself a break.

One of the things that came out with my therapist yesterday was that I always try my hardest to do everything perfectly and that is what overwhelms me. Last year I won employee of the year and this year I've basically blown up trying to improve on that. I do that because I have deep set issues around not being good enough and that if I'm not pefect I'll be rejected. My whole sense wellbeing is dependent on the approval and praise of others. If I feel I've failed not only am I very very hard on myself, I feel that I others rightly despise me for it.

Knowing that and dealing with those issues are two very different things!!

:weep:

Chris

paula lynne

26-11-10, 19:56

Hi Chris, Im sorry its been a tough day.
What youve written has really struck a chord with me.
My "problem" is trying to "fix" everybody. This was ok when I was nursing. Its now a big problem, as Im still in that frame of mind. If I cant fix someone, or their problems, I feel such a failure, a let-down, and quite useless frankly.

This has lead my to have several really bad episodes of panic and anxiety, some lasting months. Im only now realising, I cant fix the world, its out of my control. So, like you...I feel I should behave in a certain way. You want the approval, and I want to make everyone well.

I guess its taking me a long while to realise this is impossible, and I need to help in a realistic way, without compromising my state of mind. I guess you have high standards, and still feel the need for approval etc, but I bet the people who care about you the most really dont mind if you are "the best", just that you are "Chris", and ok with yourself.

As you rightly say, knowing these things, and acting on them, are two very different things. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, best wishes x

HarrogateChris

26-11-10, 20:21

Thanks Paula :)

Part of the problem with my friend is that her rejection of me has fed right into my issues and I think there has been a fair bit of transferance going on as well. All in all it's a very complicated and unfortunate situation.

I'm not sure whether it's in me to not do my best and strive for perfection. I think this is why working in an office with it's ever increasing demandsburns me out because I take everything on and try and do it better than anyone has done it before.

Hopefully, my switch to boat building will provide an avenue where that energy becomes something of value in the sense of craftsmanship and quality rather than being the destructive force it can be in other environments.

Chris

paula lynne

26-11-10, 20:31

I think that sounds like a fabulous idea, you will see the amazing results of your efforts and channel those feelings....wow, sounds like a very exciting project! Hope you can post some pics as you go along! You will be making something utterley unique and handcrafted....and is therefore better than anyone has ever done before!:winks: Im sure youll do a beautiful job...good luck x

HarrogateChris

26-11-10, 20:55

Once it was clear I was really in trouble this time, it prompted us to really look at our lives and what we wanted.

I'm a keen sailor and have spent a lot of time over the last 18 months working on my boat (pic below). That's been really rewarding and the decision to re-train as a traditional boat builder was quite an easy one to implement, if rather scary in the uncertainty of it all. Anyway, I've accepted a place on the best course in the country (because I have to be best!!) and I'm all set to move to the South Coast for a year in March. (Hence selling our house).

So I have something really positive in the future to get myself well for and that will hopefully remove from my life a lot of the things that have contributed to making me ill in the first place.

I know I'm going to beat this, I just need to accept that I have to walk the path, there are no shortcuts.

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4054/5133376546_05f86f5657.jpg

Chris

paula lynne

26-11-10, 20:58

WOW!!! shes beautiful, whats she called I cant make it out........shes a stunner Chris

HarrogateChris

26-11-10, 21:05

Thanks :), problem is she's so beautiful I bought her with my heart not my head. Never to clever a thing with boats, but she's back on the water now. She's called "Athaena" and is a Maurice Griffiths design.

Chris

HarrogateChris

29-11-10, 18:54

Day 25 on the Citalopram today and a review appointment with my GP this morning. I've been signed off work for another five weeks.

Feeling very odd at the moment, I think the Cit has started working. Last Thursday was probably the first time I was feeling a little better rather than worse, but I'm still all over the place. Feeling very detached from myself and I'm not particularly liking the numbing sensation. But then I wasn't particularly liking being so distressed all the time either. I still feel like I'm very distressed but that it's being smothered by the Cit. Just hope I can still deal with the issues behind my depression - I guess that's the challenge ahead.

I'm very much in a daze, don't seem able to concentrate and don't seem able to feel. I'm really quite agitated in a not quite in my body sort of way.

Chris

HarrogateChris

29-11-10, 19:14

I'm not good today :weep:

Feeling really apathetic and flat. The chatterbox is giving me hell that no-one is interested. I only posted a few minutes ago, it's ridiculous. Why can't I see that it's ridiculous? Instead I'm just listening to how rubbish I am for being so needy.

C.

suzy-sue

29-11-10, 19:26

Chris Its ok to feel needy and want reasurance .:hugs:Some days are worse than the others .You will pick up soon once the meds kick in .I used to hate being on my own when I FELT LIKE THAT ,but didnt want to talk ,if that makes sense ?.Its just knowing someone understands and cares that makes the difference .Tommorow is another day and each day is a small step nearer to beating this .And beat it you will ..:yesyes:Now keep yourself distacted and tell the chatterbox to do one from me ...ok ? Sending you a friendly hug from one of your Anx buddys .:bighug1:T/c Sue x

HarrogateChris

29-11-10, 19:52

Thanks Sue :blush:

cherbear32

29-11-10, 20:08

Hi Chris

One thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'm not alone in feeling anxiety/depression. This sort of site helps also when no one around me understands.

PinkyPunx

29-11-10, 20:45

Hey chris welcome :D

happycamper

29-11-10, 21:24

Hey Chris,

Sorry you're not having the best day.

Just wanted to say I know what you mean about feeling detached from yourself and the numbing sensation. I'm more used to it now I think and as I said on a post the other day it feels like a protection from the anxiety, if another crisis occurs it will make it feel like half of one rather than a full blown crisis.

But I see it as a way of giving yourself some rest from the anx while you work on healing your mind, like putting a broken leg into a cast, although you can't just sit back and let it heal but have to keep up with the physio excercises, similarly you have to keep working on whatever strategies you've chosen to help your mind recover while the cit takes over the initial healing process.

That's my take on it anyway, hope you feel better quickly chuck.

C x