Controlling?

[Munki]

Hi All,

I really need some help as I'm struggling here.

I'm 35 and back living with Mom after a relationship breakup. However, we're really close and she's like a best friend. The only problem is that she's quite controlling and likes to know exactly what I'm doing, when, where, for how long etc...She's like this when I'm not at home too. It'snot the easiest but as an only child, I've learnt to live with it. Plus she means the world to me and after all she does for me its the least I can do to put her at ease.

Anyway, recently I've started a degree and my career is picking up so my life (touch wood) seems to be going really well. Mom puts this down to being single. She may be right as I do feel more focused but I've been asked out for a drink by a lovely seeming guy and she's giving me talks on how its a 'distraction' and I'll lose focus etc. It's making my head spin and leaving me feeling really confused and messed up. Surely I'm allowed a bit of fun arent I? I hardly go out so I don't see why this is so bad. On the other hand I'm having huge panics that she's right and everything will go awry.

I'm a bit excited about the prospect of a date but am tempted to cancel just to keep the peace. I feel so anxious about it. I've been tired and having an upset stomach which I'm sure are all symptoms of anxiety...

Please advise as I'm blowing this out of all proportion...

[bottleblond]

Munki

Please don't cancel. We ALL need some fun in our life, Lordy it's hard enough.

Be honest with your mum and tell her you need some time to let your hair down. Like you said, you don't go out very often so you should grab it with both hands hun.

Please go and enjoy yourself

Lisa
x

[Munki]

Thanks so much Lisa. I'm here feeling really guilty yet I have no idea why.
It's crazy isn't it. I'm working hard yet feeling quite a failure :(
x

[paula lynne]

You deserve some time to yourself, I know youre grateful for your mum, but you cant be in the obedient daughter role 24/7, youre a grown woman. Please go out and enjoy yourself, you dont know whats around the corner......! Good luck with everything :)

[Munki]

Well said! You've summed it up there. Since when did I become so well behaved? You know, that's made so much sense to me. Thankyou for taking the time to reply. Sometimes it's the simplest things... X

[paula lynne]

Your welcome Munki, nice to talk to you x :D

[Bill]

I don't know if other Mums will agree but...

Speaking for Mum, you're her only child. You've been through a rough time and are now moving forward with your life. No doubt she loves you and wants to protect you because to her you're still her little girl. I just think after what you've been through, she's thinking a new relationship could be a complication so she worries about you as a loving Mum would.

However, you're a grown woman and have to make your own path through life so you should do what "you" want to do but just remember your Mum is just trying to look after you because you're very precious to her.:hugs:

[Munki]

I know, and I agree with you Bill. I actually do everything I can these days to alleviate her pain ie giving her actual times, venues, people I'm with, sometimes their numbers etc. Already its extreme compared to most (I imagine) but it's the least I can do for a loving Mom who means the world to me.
However, this week has been horrendous since I told her and yesterday we had a huge blow up. Loads came out and we probably both said too much. She actually admitted that she had a problem. I ended up cancelling my 'date' as I was just too emotionally drained but have rescheduled for tomorrow. It was stuff that needed to be said but she's such a catastrophizer that I worry so much that she'll think I don't care. It's so hard...

[paula lynne]

Hiya Munks x
Well, its all out in the open then, probably for the best. We all say stuff we dont mean when we are angry, Im sure youll sort it out. Your mum admitting she has a problem is a good first step to maybe loosening the apron strings a bit when things calm down. Tell her you love her, and you appreciate her concern, but she has to trust that you need some you time, and that will never mean you love her any less.

Im soooo glad youve got your date tomorrow, get your snow boots out gal, and let me know how it goes! really excited for you!!:yesyes:



Im so glad your date is still on...get your snow boots out love! Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy!

[gaaron]

Hi Munki
I hear everything you're saying. It's difficult to explain that 'hold' over you - well it is for me. When I do things I feel guilty I haven't let my mother know etc. -even tho' I know I have my own life. But my mum is like that with others and not just me. Nothing was/is right - even if you told the opposite.
Gee, all I can say is keep on speaking to supportive people. Big Hugs
Enjoy your date - let us know how it went!

[Munki]

Thanks so much guys. Your help on here has helped no end. I think we're okay. It's harder as I'm an only child and we're so amazingly close. She's my best friend in the world and I'd never want to hurt her. Obviously though its too hard to deal with, living like this. I can't not go out as I'll end up resenting her but equally I don't want to cause her any pain. I'm not sure how to best deal with it. I'm sure moving out will help - even that is worrying me now as to how she'll cope :(

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes xxx

[Munki]

Hi All,
Sorry for the delay in replying.Right then, well the date went exceptionally well and I've seen him since. We get on great and he seems really lovely. He couldn't be more 'reassuring' yet me being me still seems to manage to be cynical. As if buying me a £75 gig ticket wasn't enough having known me for such a short time ;) I guess I have to work on that!
Anyway, Mom and I have had a few rows since all linked to the same thing, her panicking.Last week I saw him and although it wasn't as bad, I still left the house feeling like a ball of stress. Rome wasn't built in a day so it's steps forward I suppose. However, the new man (haha ,weird!) has asked me to go away with him for a couple of days over New Year and I have to admit that I'd love to. Mom always assumes that I'll stay in with her and this year, whenever shes asked I've said I will. It's just something that I wouldn't consider not doing. Given that I live here and will be around all over Christmas ie with her 99% of the time, why do I feel like I'll break her heart if I don't stay in?
Is it always this hard :( I don't know what to do!!

[paula lynne]

Munki! Glad things are going so well with your new man, Ive been wondering how you got on, brilliant! x
Is there anyway you can compromise and spend some time with mum, some time with your fella? I know you'll be spreading yourself thin, but hopefully next year will be easier. It takes a while to adjust for everyone doesnt it.....just keep reassuring your mum you love her but you need time for yourself too. xxxx

[Munki]

Well I'm with her everyday so I kind of thought it might be acceptable to go away for 2 days over New Year. We're together all over Christmas and as I'm living here, ever day! :)

[paula lynne]

I think 2 days away sounds like a fantastic idea in that case, and after all, youre with mum for the whole of Xmas.....do it Munki, grab life with both hands, you deserve some fun and I think time away with your new fella is just what you need, and your mum for that matter...she needs to let you go a little bit x Do it do it do it!!!!

[Munki]

Thank you. I'm not sure she'll see it like that though. But I appreciate your thoughts. God, its filling me with paralysing fear even thinking about it. x

[paula lynne]

Tell her how happy you are. Thats what we all ultimately want for our children....x

[Munki]

I know, it's just that feeling of dread I have as I know she wants me with her. It's so horrible. It leaves you with this permanent feeling of morbidity in your life. Especially being the only one :( Sometimes I find its so much pressure that I really don't think I can handle it. x

[paula lynne]

Maybe you could encourage your mum to join a book club/bingo/have a regular cinema night with friends etc?

I feel for you being the only child. Im the oldest and it was always me who was expected to be there, and when I couldnt, mum did make me feel guilty, and left me feeling hopeless...however, she joined a darts team and eventually was the one who told me she wasnt available for me at the drop of a hat! haha...the worm turned.

I know you love her, but you are entitled to a life and are entitled to be happy and independant. So anyway, make a decision about new year soon, and let her know. The sooner the better. x

[gaaron]

Hi Munki, Gee I feel for you! But I'm so excited about you and your 'new man'. x

[Munki]

How do you deal with it? x

[gaaron]

Munki I'm not the best person to tell you how to deal with it-because I have a controlling mum to. I know that sounds as if I should be able to help, but it's probably because 'it's too close to home' if you understand.

I do things, but I still feel guilty. I don't contact that often as contact makes my anxiety levels so high I can't actually function - sounds extreme...x

[Munki]

This is a REALLY old post! But I thought I should let you know that I ended up marrying the 'date' and we're really happy :D