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Spice
17-03-06, 16:32
Hi people,

I just joined last week and I just really need some advise please.

I had a breakdown at the end of last year after a very stressful time with my family and ex husband ..... basically its a long story but I have really been through the wringer. I also have a walking disability after a back problem which left me unable to get out of bed for 2 months.

I started CBT the first week in January privately as there was a 6 month waiting list here and it has helped me ..... or so I think! I also see a CPN fortnightly.
I have been diagnosed with panic disorder/GAD and although I am scared of going outside my therapist says that I am not agoraphobic that its just part of the overall symptoms of the panic along with everything else. He gave me exposure therapy and I have gone from not being able to go outside to going to shops, walking about our street, going to MacDonalds and out for drives in the car. Basically I was doing away fine but always wondering when I was going to get more work on my negative thoughts and catastrophising as these seem to be the root of my problems. I also asked several people if they had any written work and found they did where as I have never had anything. However, last appointment two weeks ago I told my therpist that my partner was to be celebrating his 40th and that I felt that I would have liked to do something nice with him and he asked me what I would have done if it wasnt for the panic .... I said go to a posh hotel for the weekend and he said do it!!! I had my doubts but he talked me through what the worst scenario would be and I felt confident enough to tell me partner and plan to go away. The therpist had said we were to go 100 miles away but my partner thought that was unrealistic so we decided 50 miles away.... it was booked and today was the day we were to go.
Well, I have been looking forward to it sort it but also full of dread and thinking the worst. Yesterday was my partners birthday and his dad and step-mum forgot and so did his sister, he had lots of cards from friends and my daughter and me but he was down about them forgetting and to-day I tried my best to go but I let him and my 9 year old daughter down. I half packed the case and then told him that the thought of being out of my comfort zone was too much for me and the thought of travelling the 50 miles after not having gone in that direction for over a year scared me to death. I feel worthless and hopeless and everything but I also feel mad that my therapist got me to this point as logically I have not been on that road or out for a meal in a restaurant or stayed anywhere for a couple of hours let alone a weekend ..... so how can this be exposure therapy??
My partner has been my rock and totally supportive of me but to-day he said that he doesn't think he can take much more as he was so looking forward to the weekend away and the look on my daughters face when I told her mummy was just not ready yet to go was so sad but she said thats ok mummy I love you and understand.

Basically I am after any advice/thoughts on the situation but at the end of the day I am a failure!!!!

shiv
17-03-06, 16:38
You're definitely not a failure. I think you were pushed to make a big step too fast. It's about baby steps- that's what exposure's all about.

Please don't give up. Try another therapist. They're like medication- some don't work for you - it's trial and error. Try not to worry too much about your partner- he's probably just a bit disappointed; I'm sure he'll calm down soon

Shiv x

lildutt
17-03-06, 16:40
hun you not a failure you probably wasnt ready to do that sort of thing
so dont blame yourself and that
it good that your therapist got you to go and do those sort of things but like you said wasnt it a bit unrealistic for him/her to tell you go hundred miles away
why dont you try 25 or even 10 miles away
then gradually biuld it up
and (((hugs))) and remember you not a failure
hope this helps
bell xx

Spice
17-03-06, 16:42
Thanks for that Shiv xx

I really don't think I can face my therpist on Monday as at the mo I feel like hitting him.

Spice
17-03-06, 16:42
Thank you too bell. xx

nomorepanic
17-03-06, 19:52
Spice

I am doing CBT as well at the moment and she said very small steps at a time and if I do too much then I will fall back down and it will be a long climb back up.

I think maybe it was too far for you to go and a hotel closer would have been better. Maybe it was too big a jump for you at the moment and would have been better to get a hotel just "up the road" so at least it was achievable.

You haven't failed you have just not found the strength yet to push yourself that hard and I think you need to get back to those small steps again until you are happy with them.

Try and make the weekend special for him anyway and maybe go out to a restaurant for a nice meal.

Nicola

Spice
18-03-06, 10:49
Thanks for the replies they really mean a lot to me at the moment.

After I left my partner to stew for a while I tried to explain how I was feeling and why I had to let him down but this progressed on to a blazing row with me being called some really vicious words by him .... the swear words I can deal as these were probably said in anger but calling me a "psycho" I dont think I can deal with!
About an hour later it all kicked off again and the result was he apologised for shouting at me but said that I had entirely ruined his 40th and his life and that he had no-where to go and no money if he left me as I would have the house with my daughter.

We slept in different beds last night and to-day there is an awful atmosphere. I have hardly slept and feel like a truck has ran over me with pounding head, dizzy, the works.

I can understand where he is coming from but I cant see a way forward from this for us and that breaks my heart as I have obviously made him like this as when we met he was the most mild mannered, easy going guy and he has always been totally supportive of me up until yesterday when I made him SNAP!!!!

ajuk
18-03-06, 11:48
my laqst partner couldnt handle my gad..she thought it was all in my head and i was depressed and told me i would get over it..that was 7 months ago and i am with a new partner who suffers from gad like i do and knows where im coming from...it is a day to day struggle but im coping a little better now

aj

Meg
18-03-06, 23:29
Sounds like you were badly advised.

What was your therapist thinking of trying to encourage you to do such a major jump on such a major occassion ?

This progress should have been slowly and gradually built up to for sure and not making you take a major step when there was so much at stake





Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

proactiveness, positivity, persistence, perseverance and practice = progress

Spice
19-03-06, 07:39
Thanks for your replies every1.

Meg - That's just exactly what I have been thinking. I have an appointment with my therpist tomorrow night which I am going to canel. I see him privately and the thought of having to give him our money as well as deal with the upset is just too much to bear.

Things are still raw with my partner and me and we are still sleeping seperately. He did apologise for swearing etc., and said that he still wanted to be with me but that he lost it because of the disappointment. I have told him I need time to think things through.

Spice
15-04-06, 16:46
Hi everyone,

Since the above happened I have continually been put down, swore at and called "a waste of space" "terrible" and many other things by my partner. It has got to the stage where I am afraid to open my mouth to reply in case I say the wrong thing. Two weeks ago I asked him to make my daughter toast and he came in to the room where we were and tore me to shreads in front of her (she is 9) saying that I never give him any time to himself and he has to do everything - this is a lie as I cook and clean and do all the ironing and I have told him many times to go out with friends - my CBT counsellor even told him that he had to go out without me!! I told him then that he should look for somewhere else to live but last weekend I relented and said we should try again as he made me feel it was my fault that I made him angry. On Sunday he went mental at me again after I asked him a simple question and then on Monday night he tore me to shreads again after I asked him a question about electricity!! I said that it's time we parted and this time I meant it. When I told my family my mum said that they could see me and him were the same as Charlie and Shelly in Coronation Street when she was stuck in the bedroom with agoraphobia and they hoped and prayed that I would see it and get out before I ended up committing suicide!!!
He has told all his friends and family that he is going to have a breakdown if he stays with me any longer as he has supported me and he simply cannot take any more of my anxiety problems and they are so sympathetic to him. Yes he has been supportive for a lot of the time but at other times he has made me think about taking my own life as he made me feel so low. He moves out at the end of the month and I cant wait to begin my life again. I know it will be hard as I am so dependent on him that up until a few weeks ago I could only have a shower with him in the room!! He also had a row with my oldest daughter and made me choose between them and I being a fool chose him .... but luckily I have mended the relationship with my daughter although he does not allow her to come into my house!!!
He told me that he still loves me and wants to sleep with me till he leaves but I have put a stop to that and he keeps saying that things could be different if I didn't have problems with anxiety etc., to make me feel bad about myself but the thing is that now I can see clearly it's making me stronger and more determined to succeed. When I first met him I was an independent strong willed woman and now I am a trembling wreck!!!
Hopefully my friends and family will be able to support me through this along with the good friends I have made on this site.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Spice
xxx

Alexandra
15-04-06, 17:22
Hi Hunny

Right behind you with the support on this ,as you say you can't go on being treated like this it just is'nt fair.

If you want to chat please feel free to pm me anytime.

Thinking of you. Sending hugs

(((((((((Spice)))))))))))

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

honeybee3939
15-04-06, 18:10
Im right behind you too Spice !!



Hugs to you my friend

Keep Smiling:D

Andrea
xxxx