A WEE STORY

[Laurie28]

I have noticed that there is alot of 'new' people in this forum so I thought I would share a wee story and hopefully it may help someone !!!

When my anxiety 'peaked' before I found this forum I thought I was going insane, really mentally disturbed.

I remember catching my relection in the mirror when I was having a panic and i have never seen anyone looking soo scared

here are a few instances

one night my little boy came into my room and told me our fronto door was open (he has a habit of sleepwalking) and instaed of assuming it was him who opened the door (it obviously was) I thought it was me!!

After that I barricaded myself in my room at night and put 'trip hazards 'on the floor so if I was sleepwalking I would wake myself up falling over them. this lasted for about a fortnight until I had to remove the trip hazards as I knew i was making mysel 'iller'.

I remember i found a t-towel under the sink and freaked as i thought I was having blackouts and doing things and not remembering them (even though i had obviously been doing too many things at one and just put it under by accident!!)

I hid sharp objects from myself incase I hurt myself or others - I was scared I would flip and hurt me or my kids and I was petrified I had manic depression and I had seen loving mothers on the news do just that. I even contemplated phoning someone and asking them to take the kids away incase I hurt them ( I have never hurt my kids but I was really scared I was going insane - I remember saying to my partner I would rather die than hurt them but I was soo convinced I was going'insane' my partner could not understand that I didn't want to die and wasn't suicicial but really petrified I was 'losing it'

I remember little things like going through traffic lights and then questionig whether it was really green!!!

These are just a few examples in the end I phoned the health visitor and she came straight to see me. I told her I was having an nervous breakdown and my fears of hurting someone if I flipped. She told me if I was going insane i wouldn't think I was as she knew I was no threat to anyone. In the end I took 3 weeks of work as even though work wasn't a problem It was one extra stress I didn't need (I would go home crying and take panic attacks regularly at work)

I wasn't and am not going insane but I do remember the fear I felt. Please believe me when I say you are not going insane.

I'm getting better all the time even though I have my good and bad days (before I had only bad days)

I hope this helps someone

Love
lucky

[apricot]

Hi Lucky,

You don't know how much reading your post has helped me, especially today, being the first on my own as Hubby has gone back to work after taking time off with me. I am close to tears with relief that I am not alone in thinking these things.

I have suffered from Panic with Agoraphobia for nearly 7 years and recently had a really bad time - all because of taking one SSRI.

The negative thoughts you have had (and that's all they are, I know, but when they enter your head - FEAR!) I have had too. It is hard admitting to that one, I think, so THANK YOU!

3 Weeks ago the major panic I had resulted in me thinking I would go mad and loose control and not know what I would be doing. I was really nervous about going to sleep at night incase I slept walked and would do something really bad to my kids or partner - I have never ever slept walked but it was a negative thought that my brain took and added and added to.

That is the reason I am feeling so anxious about today - I have had to take the kids to school and have got to pick them up at 3pm and then have them here on my own until my partner gets in from work. Thoughts - what if I have a freak out and they are here?

My kids are 12, 8 and 7 and I have never had a fear of looking after them alone until 3 weeks ago. As you have said, I too love my kids to bits and would never do anything to harm them but when the negative thoughts start, it's hard to rationalise.

My panic is usually an upset stomach - churning and churning resulting in me rushing to the loo! But that panic 3 weeks ago was totally different - that one made think I would loose control and go mad. It is a daily fight but each day you have that you can take something positive from is a good day, no matter how little it is.

So a big THANK YOU again, it is hard being a parent and having these thoughts that we don't want!

Nikki:)
xxx

Turn 'what ifs' into 'I can' and you will.

[Laurie28]

Nikki,

i'm soo glad this has helped you!!

It is difficult trying to explain you have a fear of hurting your kids as i was always scared people would think I was a child abuser. You will be fine and i'm sure you are a great mother.

I know the absolute fear you have and I remember when I was at my worst and my partner said he was going out I said to him 'What if i flip and do something' He told me that he KNEW i would never hurt the kids and he wasn't worried about them in the least it was me he was worried about.

You are not going mad I assure you but I do remember the fear (and still have it at times!!!!)

the one good thing though is that you can't avoid looking after your kids so the fear does pass quickly (that one particular one anyway!!!)

The stories on the news are frightening and I remember one specific one (which I won't tell u about!!) where a mother hurt her children and remember saying to the health visitor what about this thing that happened on the news and she told me IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU. I was so upset, I am more than happy to be alone with them now and before long you will be too. I PROMISE

Love
lucky