AnxietyEngland
24-11-10, 18:41
Hi Everyone
i live my life in the same continuous circle
i`m a 37 year old male
i am in a relationship with the most beautiful person ever, she is an amazing person, smart, caring, very loving, affection that blows my mind, she loves me and has only ever shown me love, but im unable to feel the same way when i dont know why i cant.. i know i love her and everything about her, but these thoughts are 24/7 and i constantly feel sick, i try and feel positive, im on 200mg of Zoloft (Sertraline) and it has helped me a little bit with becoming more balanced
the easiest option is to end it, but i wont do it this time!
i have lived liked this for over 15 years now
some days i feel Euphoric and really happy and fuzzy:)
other days i feel like theres no way out and contemplated suicide
though, not hardly ever since being with my partner of 6 months now:)
when i`m with her, i feel like im living a lie, like im faking it, i get anxious, very very upset and emotional, hot sweats, fear etc.... i tell her i love her, but my mind keeps telling me i dont, i have acted like this all my life with everyone... i have to stop this, :mad:
i feel relaxed enough to even talk to her about all my problems, yet still on the odd occasion, i get all this BAD STUFF going on in my mind that im actually exhausted and worn out with my feelings!
she has read SLEEPING WITH ROCD and she is so so supportive everyday when i`m feeling like im a FAKE, we are planning to move in together next year or soon after that... she has 4 beautiful children who i adore, but my mind keeps telling me i`m a commitment phobe, but i know that i dont wanna lose her! i get spiked a lot these days...its horrible!
if any of you would like a copy of it, let me know ok?
if i can help anyone else and their partners, i would like to
the usual scenario is normally me feeling lonely, emotional and wanting to have a cuddle and have someone to talk to, basically so i`m not on my own, i dont have many friends, sad arent i?
my job is the opposite to this, im a professional musician and do huge shows in front of thousands of people, so this is all bizarre in my personal life
i meet someone really special, though never met anyone like my current partner in all these years, it feels amazing at the start, then as we get closer and closer, i feel trapped and then the thoughts come rolling in, the hot sweats, the anixety, panic attacks, my mind telling me SHE is not actually the one, so much so that i cant believe how it makes me feel, it really makes me a bag of nerves,
if anyone has these feelings, you will know how upset it makes you feel...
i believe im just not capable of loving anyone, infact i never have, or have i?.... all my relationships have ended because i end them, one of the main reasons is because i cannot live with the sheer and utter guilt and terror of the feelings im having and whether they are true or false, or what!
i really cant take anymore of living like this, i want to be happy, i want to feel excited that im gonna see someone, which i normally am...and be happy when im with them, go on holiday, laugh and cry with them, tell them i love them and feel that closeness, i feel some of these things most of the time with my partner, but the guilt and anxiety always win, and it spoils what little time we have together... cant go on living and feeling this way...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS VOICE IN MY HEAD MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY?
i have been to to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression, have tried all forms of medication, nothing helps, i either sweat buckets or i feel worse normally, but do you know what? i don't want to HAVE to take tablets to live a normal life, i sometimes look back and think WHY ME? what have i done wrong to deserve this?
been told that i must have commitment issues by people i try and confide in, and it makes me feel worse:(
yet i dont have one night stands, mainly because i just cant, need to know someone first, has to feel right or no point
all i know is that i want to feel better and not have these life ruining thoughts as above
i have tried CBT and tried really hard, but have stopped going as i feel no further forward and it wasnt for me
do any of you suffer with these feelings? and please dont tell me there is always someone for someone, my own family try and understand, i dont know whether im evil, or dont know how to even love, or maybe i should realise that life is meant to be lonely and single for some people
Wayne x
i live my life in the same continuous circle
i`m a 37 year old male
i am in a relationship with the most beautiful person ever, she is an amazing person, smart, caring, very loving, affection that blows my mind, she loves me and has only ever shown me love, but im unable to feel the same way when i dont know why i cant.. i know i love her and everything about her, but these thoughts are 24/7 and i constantly feel sick, i try and feel positive, im on 200mg of Zoloft (Sertraline) and it has helped me a little bit with becoming more balanced
the easiest option is to end it, but i wont do it this time!
i have lived liked this for over 15 years now
some days i feel Euphoric and really happy and fuzzy:)
other days i feel like theres no way out and contemplated suicide
though, not hardly ever since being with my partner of 6 months now:)
when i`m with her, i feel like im living a lie, like im faking it, i get anxious, very very upset and emotional, hot sweats, fear etc.... i tell her i love her, but my mind keeps telling me i dont, i have acted like this all my life with everyone... i have to stop this, :mad:
i feel relaxed enough to even talk to her about all my problems, yet still on the odd occasion, i get all this BAD STUFF going on in my mind that im actually exhausted and worn out with my feelings!
she has read SLEEPING WITH ROCD and she is so so supportive everyday when i`m feeling like im a FAKE, we are planning to move in together next year or soon after that... she has 4 beautiful children who i adore, but my mind keeps telling me i`m a commitment phobe, but i know that i dont wanna lose her! i get spiked a lot these days...its horrible!
if any of you would like a copy of it, let me know ok?
if i can help anyone else and their partners, i would like to
the usual scenario is normally me feeling lonely, emotional and wanting to have a cuddle and have someone to talk to, basically so i`m not on my own, i dont have many friends, sad arent i?
my job is the opposite to this, im a professional musician and do huge shows in front of thousands of people, so this is all bizarre in my personal life
i meet someone really special, though never met anyone like my current partner in all these years, it feels amazing at the start, then as we get closer and closer, i feel trapped and then the thoughts come rolling in, the hot sweats, the anixety, panic attacks, my mind telling me SHE is not actually the one, so much so that i cant believe how it makes me feel, it really makes me a bag of nerves,
if anyone has these feelings, you will know how upset it makes you feel...
i believe im just not capable of loving anyone, infact i never have, or have i?.... all my relationships have ended because i end them, one of the main reasons is because i cannot live with the sheer and utter guilt and terror of the feelings im having and whether they are true or false, or what!
i really cant take anymore of living like this, i want to be happy, i want to feel excited that im gonna see someone, which i normally am...and be happy when im with them, go on holiday, laugh and cry with them, tell them i love them and feel that closeness, i feel some of these things most of the time with my partner, but the guilt and anxiety always win, and it spoils what little time we have together... cant go on living and feeling this way...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS VOICE IN MY HEAD MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY?
i have been to to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression, have tried all forms of medication, nothing helps, i either sweat buckets or i feel worse normally, but do you know what? i don't want to HAVE to take tablets to live a normal life, i sometimes look back and think WHY ME? what have i done wrong to deserve this?
been told that i must have commitment issues by people i try and confide in, and it makes me feel worse:(
yet i dont have one night stands, mainly because i just cant, need to know someone first, has to feel right or no point
all i know is that i want to feel better and not have these life ruining thoughts as above
i have tried CBT and tried really hard, but have stopped going as i feel no further forward and it wasnt for me
do any of you suffer with these feelings? and please dont tell me there is always someone for someone, my own family try and understand, i dont know whether im evil, or dont know how to even love, or maybe i should realise that life is meant to be lonely and single for some people
Wayne x