Feeling Old and Very Vunderable and Scared

[looking4answers]

A few weeks ago I was excited feeling like a kid again and happy and fairly cheerful on somedays..My wife and I just got us a couple of new bikes and was riding almost everyday. Then out of nowhere i hurt my prostate from the seat not being the right seat for an older person and also the horn of the seat was sticking up. Well .. after longer rides i started hurting and started researching and finding all these things that can be damaged from riding bikes. It got me worried and I have had to stay off my bike for a few weeks now and just in the last day or two stopped hurting so bad.

I think im going to be ok on that.Then I was outside a couple of days ago and looked at my legs.. besides being white they had a kind of purplish blue tint to them . I asked my wife and she said no not really but it worried me enough to start looking up Peripheral Vascular Disease. From all the symptoms I think that I probably have that .Im scared now and worried. I have always known that poor circulation ran in my family but never really thought of it as that big of a deal. Now being older 56 im having to worry about things my family has had to deal with except im able to find out all the nitty gritty about the bad things it is.Im scared now that there is a blood clot just waiting to happen and maybe already an aneurysm that is lurking...

If that isn't enough with my usual worried of heart/lungs and other scattered diseases, cancer,Ms,etc etc.. I had something like a bump come up between the back of my ear and the bone behind the ear Its been there for a number of years but I just realized it looks like it has gotten a little bigger. My wife says no but it feels bigger to me. I just went through about a year of worry with a mole that I thought was melanoma and turned out to be a seborrheic kerratois and not a melanoma..Im not sure I can go through another worry with this. Im very depressed and down and out .

I never thought I would make it to 56 and never thought about having to deal with things that others did in my old age, but I guess you can't escape it.. I have worried and worried most of my life but now im older when you would think the worries would be less they are worse than ever.I would just really like to have a few years of trouble free life..Its very sad that there are so many afflictions that can take its toll on us so quickly and do away with us. Makes you wonder how so many live to be so old . There are quite few people Like Sir Issac Newton that lived into his 80's and was involved in using mercury in his work and probably ingested it and others that lived well into there 80's and 90's even back in the 17th and 18th century ..How did they do it..? With all the things that can get you.

Look at Ramses the first lived to 93 and outlived 100 sons three thousand years ago.. and im only 56? How did they do it? Was it a secret of not worrying or ? Im just freaked out by how very fragile we really are...just when I was worrying less and now im worrying more.

Im just so very sad and very afraid and don't really know why.. Does anyone else feel this frustrated with life? Sorry about the length of this post..I have just been having a bad time here lately .

[RLR]

The lump located posterior to your ear is most likely a sebaceous cyst. They are extremely common and do not constitute a risk to your health. Your primary care physician can excise the sebcaceous fluid, with the caveat that about 60% of cases demonstrate reappearance. The observation of coloration at your legs and feet is entirely common and depending upon temperature, changes regularly depending upon whether peripheral or central circulation is dominant in order to regulate body temperature. Always remember that if a limb is cyanotic or bluish in color due to vascular insufficiency, you've going to be in some rather significant discomfort because it means that the cells are starving for blood and oxygen. There is nothing of these symptoms that would suggest anything is wrong.

Just for reflection, I'm 89 years of age and I served as a combat pilot in the pacific during WWII before returning stateside and attending medical school, which I also managed to survive. I retired after more than 40 years of practice. To this day, I still rise before dawn and take a brisk morning walk, I eat breakfast and I plan a day of significant objectives to meet my goals. I still read medical journals and take an active role in medical sciences several times a year.

Life is not about all the "things" that can go wrong, but rather the willful maintenance of a relentless pursuit to capture as much of life as you can grasp. While you cannot predict your future, you can indeed predict the present. This is where you must live and thrive. It's not about looking forward or backward, but rather directly at what you want to achieve right now. The future and the past are non-existent for practical purposes. Feelings of vulnerability and apprehension are also quite common and it's merely due to the fact that you are losing sight of your sense of purpose in life. Those attributes and strivings which are most critical to you must forever be courted and you must always make your image confirmed, to both yourself and to others. It's about demonstrating that as a man of 56, you can definitely still walk the walk. It's about the deployment of strategies using the wisdom and experience you've gained over and above that of a 26 year-old man whose same strategy must unavoidably include trials and tribulations. You've simply lost sight of what you represent and stand for in your world.

From my vantage point, 56 is roughly the half-way mark. You have this much of your life left to live. I'm not certain what your vocation in life is, but at 56 it's repeatedly been stated that it constitutes the age-range where the most success and greatest fortune is acheived for most men. So you're right where you need to be and all you have to do is stop dampening your outlook. It's not mid-life crisis, it's just mid-life so hike up your drawers and go get 'em. Leave the contemplations about death to old fellows like me. You've got far too long of a journey ahead before you can take my place in that regard.

You'll be fine.

Best regards,

Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)

[blueangel]

What a fantastic post - and what a choice piece of wisdom for us who inhabit the land of Midlife Crisis.

Many thanks, RLR.

[gaaron]

RLR, You've brought a tear to my eyes. Beautifully written wisdom. I'm lost for words. x

[JaneC]

Amazing RLR :yesyes:

[debera]

what a great post. thank you RLR,

[looking4answers]

Actually RLR I retired from a major computer company as a computer hardware engineer.I spent years making the best of the best of the best for the computer market.
I was lucky to stumble upon the field by being exposed to it from family that worked for NASA. I had an unusual high attitude for electronics and their function and design,although my original interest in career was broadcasting.Broadcasting and engineering went hand and hand. Your post really made me stand up and notice..Your observations are quite keen and deep down inside I suppose I know you are correct.

I had a dream to be a combat pilot but never obtained the dream since I was unable to pass the test,not for lack of knowledge but for my nervous problems. I suppose in hindsight its probably a "good thing" that I didn't get that job as I probably would have failed miserably but found good fortune to be in the right business at the right time.

Thinking about the things you spoke of in your post I think you have probably sized me up quite adequately .I excelled at what I did and for as long as I did I feel very satisfied looking back. I enjoyed my job and I suppose I miss it. I felt needed and wanted everyday and every moment. I suppose I would still be doing it if I hadn't been offered early out by the company president who so graciously offered me a position out of country that I did not want to take or to retire early with a nice compensation .I took the latter.

Now looking back I think I might have made the wrong choice but then only time will tell. Its funny you should mention the past,present and future. I have been reading a lot of books lately on I guess what you could call parapsychology. Im not entirely sure that I have even described what I am reading correctly to you,but it seems that your post could of in fact been authored by one of the writers. Curious? you haven't written any books lately have you? lol

Getting to the point here ,your words make up a kind of energy and wisdom that is written in these books and your points are well taken .They two come together with the things I have been reading and now with you mentioning the same it really has hit home. You mentioned my success... I had my success for many years and at an early age.. as I said "a high attitude for electronics" I hit my high and its been all down hill since then. I suppose what Im trying to say is "I peaked" and now being retired its been tough for me to deal with. I have worked since I was 7 years old at something making money ...now there is no need for me to make money because I made all the right choices in my career and financially so no worries there.

The hardest thing I had to deal with was getting up everyday wondering what I was suppose to do. Its been very hard and like you said I should be happy.. and I do have days im pretty happy.. its just I have never had illness or serious illness of any sort and now that im aging im discovering some of the joys of aging lol. The aches and pains and things that come with aging and its a little scary to me. So that is probably my problem in a nutshell.. I need to get busy again and stay as busy as I can and do as you do.. get up early and walk and do what I can do and fill my life with activities..
and try to make my life full again..

The thing is .. its hard to top a life so full as mine. I have traveled in over 86 countries and all 50 states more than twice.I have been around the world 11 times and been a captain of industry so to speak.I have read a library full of the most interesting books about life ,history,mankind,science and art and well basically everything you could ever imagine. I have met and made friends with many many famous people throughout the world and been involved working in many world help organizations .

I sit and think about the things I have enjoyed in my life and wonder what happened?
Since I turned 55 my life has slowed to a grinding slow halt and im watching it all go by and for the life of me I am not really sure why.. How did you keep going? What was your drive? How do you do it? It seems you have done so very much in your life and you just keep going? At 86 wow..Is longevity in your blood line? I know of a friend of mine that is 90 and she has just been told she isn't allowed to snow ski anymore since she broke her hip this year and she doesn't go water skiing in the winter anymore and doesn't go work on rental properties anymore, but still works in the yard and does house work and plays bridge three times a week. I look at her and she amazes me. She could still outwork any man I know of at 90 right now..I don't get it.. You seem sharp as a tack and she does as well..If I could have only planned my life a little better I might have been like that. With your post.. you probably look younger than I do.. I know my friend looks like 60 instead of 90.. What is the secret ?Did you just wake up one day and say "I am going to live forever" whether anybody likes it or not?

My mother was kind of like that ,she really had terrible health problems and complained since I could remember but she was a trooper up until she died at 79 . My father also died at 79 and my grand father was 96 and still had a full head of hair.My grandfather on my mothers side died at 71 .So I guess I have a little longevity in my blood..Heres hoping.. I guess to sum up everything that we have written here.. I saw a sign once in a waiting room at my doctors.. that said.. "Don't be so quick to complain you are getting old,just think of those that never had the opportunity."

Hmmm Im just a little taken aback by all that you posted and it has been delightful reading..I suppose im more transparent than I thought.. easy to read.. and obvious .
I guess deep down inside I feel my life is passing me by and im watching it through a glass thinking about what use to be..you are so right ..contemplations. As for the circulation in my legs.. well I have had incredible pain in my legs since I was about 44.

When I turned 44 I got an unreal burst of energy and started roller blade .I did this for about a year also was doing a little mountain climbing and felt healthier than I ever did.. and that was for about a year. After that one day I started noticing that I got bad pains in my buttocks and and hip when trying to walk very far. I was a little taken back by this since I hadn't experienced this before.. then as I started thinking about it I remembered my mother had severe arthritis in her hips and legs . I assumed it was the same as she had and realized I was just getting older. I told my doctor about it and she checked my legs and my blood pressure and I guess pretty much the things you can check and told me that there wasn't anything that pointed to me having any issues that maybe it was just leg cramps from overuse so I never really thought much other about it until one day I was watching television and saw a commercial about P.A.D.. it got me worried since the symptoms were pretty much like what was mentioned on the commercial and so I looked it up.I got worried about it but put it down to just coincidence and hadn't really thought about it anymore till the other day looking at my legs.. My wife still insist its nothing and its not what I think nor is my legs blue or purple.She says she has seen people with that problem and I don't have that .Here is hoping you are correct and she is too..

I suppose I have been lucky with the prostate thing.. So many people have so many issues with that and at 56 I can say that im just now having issues with mine and I might add not very comfortable issues. It hurts. .

Oh by the way while I have you reading my questions.. I fell on my tailbone about 25 years ago. .I fell off a 6ft ladder on the sacrum area.It hurt really badly for about a month and then seem to go away .. Well over the years I have never really been able to sit on a hard surface such as a bench or concrete or other flat surfaces.. Recently when riding my bike I have pushed down into that area and had pain there and it might be that what Im thinking is prostate problems is problems being caused by damage I did years ago to my back and nerves in that area.

Sometimes the nerves there are twitching and bouncing around and I can feel them through my private parts.. Could I have somehow have caused damage that is just now showing itself years after the fact? Could the nerves there in that area be causing what im thinking is prostate pain? I noticed that this is kind of your area of expertise so thought I would ask.. Its still bothering me with pain in the groin area and it seems to connected somehow to that area in the back ..

Anything you could enlighten me with would be appreciated. Your post.. well its outstanding and definitely one to print out to be read over and over again. its well taken and duly noted and will see if I can change my outlook and solve my issues.

As a footnote.. I though I would mention .. My father was with the brass in the South Pacific. during WWII . He was a peon I guess you would call it or baby sitter to the generals that made the decisions during the war on their ship.. but had great stories to tell about the invasion and d-day and all the major battles.. but suppose all you guys had great stories..especially you since you were up close and personal with the enemy on a one on one basis.. Anyway thanks for your post. I will print it to read over and over.. and if you get a minute if you could give me some insight about my sacrum I would really appreciate it. Michael

[gaaron]

Hello,
It has been very interesting reading your posts. I am of a similar age and retired 'early'. It was the 'loss of identity' which I found difficult, and possibly still do.
You will find your way again, I'm sure.
Take care
Elizabeth x

[Groundhog]

RLR you make some inspiring posts.

I retired early (at fifty) after selling a reasonably successful business but it was never my intention to stop working as such. I know it’s not evey ones cup of tea but I work part time-ish at a secondary school in a variety of roles but largely as a cover teacher – taking classes when teachers are away. It gives me great satisfaction to pass on my accumulated life knowledge to students, I have a lot of fun I know the students appreciate it and it makes me feel good to know I’m making a difference.

It also helps me to tackle my anxiety head on so to speak, rather than sitting at home dwelling on it.

PS. I can honestly say that working with youngsters makes you feel young yourself:)

[RLR]

Okay, let's take one more run at this issue. Thank you for your kind words, but remember that this is all about you and your day in the sun. Let's bring some clarity to your medical concerns and we'll close with a few general comments.

You state that you fell on your "tailbone" on the "sacrum area." Just for clarification, the coccyx bone lies below the sacrum and if I understand the nature of the fall and subsequent complaint, you're likely referencing injury to the coccyx and not the sacrum. Indeed, most occurrences of injury to the coccyx self-resolve within four to six weeks. If it becomes chronic, it is a condition known as coccydynia and plagues many who have either suffered injury or alternatively if the problem is congenital in nature. Several problems can result in pain when sitting down or otherwise exerting pressure to the coccyx area, such as posterior luxation or hypermobility of the coccyx itself, a spicule or bony protrusion or in many cases no direct observable cause for the pain. Treatment for chronic discomfort has usually been directed at providing cortisone injections or a local nerve block, or anesthesia, at the ganglion impar to relieve pain. It demonstrates a good deal of success. The use of low-dose SSRI anti-depressants like Cymbalta have also produced good success with pain relief. First, however, you'd need to have your doctor or specialist perform some imaging studies to see if the cause can be determined, such as functional MRI to see if luxation (para-dislocation) may be occurring when sitting down or alternatively hyperflexion of the coccyx.

In regard to your prostate, I would presume that your doctor has ruled out any association to your pain and it sounds to me as though you're experiencing pain both at the coccyx when sitting down and separately sacral pain that is generalized. If you've not been evaluated regarding the health of your prostate, then you simply need to make an appointment to do so. Conditions like prostatitis that produce pain, or benign hyperplasia which characteristically does not, are extremely common. Working closely with your doctor and specialist is the key to identifying any problem, as well as monitoring and treating any assocated discomfort.

As for your general outlook, many people construe retirement as "quitting." This is not the case whatsoever and it's a common misconception. Simply because you're no longer obligated to the conformity of employment, does not mean that you're relegated to occupying space. I've often been the recipient of comments by others who say that they wake up not knowing what they're supposed to do all day and feel unplugged from the normal agenda that used to motivate them so highly.

Well, it's your agenda now. All the amenities of retirement combined are no place for anyone who still has a fire burning for taking on the world in some arena. It's about being purposeful in life and making a meaningful contribution arising from the well-spring of your background and training or some challenge entirely unrelated to your former vocation that you've always wanted to pursue. Either way, the coffer is far from empty.

Again, you need to wake up tomorrow with a renewed outlook on life. The excitment is in the challenge, rarely the acquisition or accomplishment. It's about avoiding the finish-line and instead taking detours in the race to carve out a performance that defines who you are at any given point in time.

So my suggestion here is to create a plan of action and then hit the arena with your battle-cry. You'd be amazed at what your perception has to do with how you live and approach life. We're men and we carry within us the primal and unavoidable characteristic of being warriors and hunters. Only the context has changed.

I'll close with a brief anecdote from the recorded life of Alexander. During preparation for one of his greatest battles Alexander walked the near endless line of his soldiers, instilling in them his sense of invincibility. As he approached one young man, he asked his name. The young soldier avoided eye-contact, lowered his head and sheepishly replied "Alexander."

Alexander thundered back the reply "Then change your behavior or change your name!"

I think you see my point here.

Best regards,

Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)

[gaaron]

I think I've stopped feeling sorry for myself.! No, not think;have.

[looking4answers]

Thanks again RLR.. I have enjoyed your post and guess on the prostate and the tailbone thing the bottom line is that I will probably have to see a doctor.I was hoping to avoid that since I have a phobia about doctors.. "had some really bad experiences' with some ..
Anyway thanks for your positive words and also for shedding some lights of the things I mentioned.. I was unsure about the use of the word sacrum as I had never read where anyone had sacrum problems but the other word you used I have seen people suffering with that a lot from falling years before.Once again you are very kind and I dearly appreciate your kind encouraging words.. Michael