I'm so lonely

[QueenOfHearts]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been here long and i appreciate how supportive this forum is. I don't want to bog anyone down as we all have problems i just don't know where else to turn.

I'm in my second year at uni, and finding it hard socially. I suffered severe anxiety right from the beginning of this academic year, and so people have withdrawn from me because they find me difficult to be around. I appreciate that misery breeds, and that people don't always know what to do.

A mother of one of the students in my year found my online diary and told her daughter to keep away from me because i am obviously crazy and need help. This has now spread around my whole year and people are talking about me. Someone i considered my best friend not only read my diary, she also told other people where to find it and told me i was an attention seeker even though she has very big self esteem issues. Lots of people have told me that she is jealous of me, as i weigh less than her and find it easy to converse with a variety of people, but i don't see why. I would never want to be me. My flatmate and her have become "best friends" and have shut me out, to the extent that my flatmate has spoken about me behind my back, and when i tried to approach her 3 times to resolve any issues we had with each other, she lied and said she didn't have any and then told me i was paranoid.

My boyfriend recently dumped me and he was my life. That isn't healthy i know, but he was planning to move down to Southampton where i am at uni and the thought of him being here kept me going.

I have been trying to meet new people but its so difficult when i'm constantly depressed an anxious. People only want to be around me if i'm happy and laughing and i can't do that all the time.

There are a few people who have been very supportive around me the last few weeks and i have been spending a lot of time with them. But i can't be around them all the time because i'm suffocating them, and i need to learn to be by myself. I've joined societies, met more people but they have friends and don't always seem open to more people joining their group. I'm currently having CBT and i have a mentor to help me academically, and my tutor are aware of my health problems.

I'm not sure i even want any answers. I am doing things to make more friends but i hate being lonely. I don't have friends at home when i go home in the holidays so i have nothing here and nothing at home either. I just want people around who understand me, who will let me cry and be me. I want to feel like i belong. I want people to care about me. I'm not saying i don't have that at all because there are some wonderful people who have given me support recently. But i know i have spent too much time with them and i need to branch out more otherwise i will alienate myself by being too needy.

Sorry this is so long.

[Piglet]

Hi hun,

I think because you are so aware of not wanting to become needy I doubt very much you will do.

You sound very much like you are doing all the right things so I would just give it a little longer. Establishing friendship groups takes a little time.

It is hard when you come out of a relationship as we tend to put all our eggs in one basket with this - I am always telling my kids not to do this too. How long have you got left at uni and do you see yourself staying in the S'hampton area once you've finished?

Love Piglet x

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[QueenOfHearts]

I don't finish uni until 2010. I'm studying to be a doctor. I don't know where i see myself when i finish its such a long way off and things change.

Establishing good friendships do take time you're right and i guess i want things to happen quicker. I just hate sitting in lectures alone, eating alone and knowing that some people have preconceptions about me because of people talking about me behind my back. It makes it difficult for me to know who to trust.

If anyone wants to add me to msn or fancies a chat i'd be up for that.

[clickaway]

Hi there,

I can really relate to where you are coming from, but I do think you are making some really positive moves by joining things. Would it be possible to share a flat with some others in order to give you some new and perhaps kinder people to speak to?

Sure, it will take time to get new friends, but once you have one or two, others will follow quickly as your social life returns.

Its a few weeks off yet, but a few people from this site are meeting up on Brighton at the beginning of May. Perhaps you'd like to come along?
[Link removed invalid url]

Take Care,


Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[QueenOfHearts]

I'm actually moving next week as i have just gotten a job as a warden in a different halls at the university. I guess it will be a chance to make a new start but i'm anxious about moving somewhere where i don't know people.

I'll look into the meet up, thank you very much for your advice. :)

[andrew]

hi sarky,

hopefully your move will go ok, good luck with that. i think your well shot of the other 2 so called friends.

being lonely hurts, try not to let those feelings overwhelm you. its great that you are actively trying to deal with it by joining in - do remember to stay positive with yourself.

and about being needy, hopefully you will start recovering and you wont always be so needy, so dont be in such a hurry to leave ppl that do care about you. and some ppl dont mind needy ppl around them either. you take care .. andrew

[QueenOfHearts]

I went into uni today and am feeling worse than i was before. Yesterday i found out that one of my friends has tried to kill herself. She has a lot of problems and it was a very serious attempt and although she's going to be ok i know she'll try again. The only reason she wasn't successful already is because she has physical disabilities which stop her.

I went through so many emotions when i found out. I have tried to take my life in the past and although i promised never to go down that path again i feel like i have nothing left even though i know that isn't true. I'm so glad she isn't physically hurt by what she has done, but i know the scars run much deeper. I understand why she did what she did and to be honest i feel the same.

Although i was sitting with people in uni today, they have all gone off with their partners now (their all in relationships) and i've been left by myself. One of my friends spoke to one of the girls who i've been having problems with (who i considered one of my best friends). She is spreading rumours that i am jealous of her because she has new friends amongst other things. I just don't feel like i can face people at uni anymore. I have 2 days this week where i have to be by myself because the people i know won't be there and i'm dreading it.

All i did wrong was to be ill. To suffer from depression and anxiety and not have the best coping mechanisms. And because of this i've been shunned, people are talking and laughing about me behind my back, my boyfriend has dumped me and i've been left wondering what the point in carrying on is. Everytime i build myself up something comes along to knock me back down. I've been depressed since i was 16, i'm 21 now. I've acheived a lot in that time despite my problems but it means nothing when i'm going through life feeling alone.

[shiv]

I really feel for you so much. When I was your age I had a massive circle of friends but when my partner and father of my son died when I was 21 they dropped off one by one. I then became very ill with anxiety and my friends at that point all but disappeared. They were complete s**ts. It's taken me to the age I am now (32) to have built up adecent yet tiny circle of friends. It takes time but you will get there. People can be so mean particularly if they've got no experience of mental health problems. You're also young and no offence to the younger people on this forum but at that age we can be incredibly selfish and quite mean!

Believe me , you WILL look back in years to come and wonder what you ever saw in your so-called-friends. I know I do. Keep coming back and talking to us. Do you have a counselling service at your uni? Throw yourself into your studies and keep tight with your true friends. As for your suicidal friend, just be there for her. It might make you feel better and give you some feeling of self-worth: besides she needs you!

Keep battling and don't let those a**eholes get you down

Shiv x

[QueenOfHearts]

Hi Shiv and thanks for your reply.

This time last year when i was stronger this would have annoyed me, but would not have knocked me down like it has. My self esteem is rock bottom and having people coming up to me saying "i've heard your flatmate saying this about you" doesn't help. As she is on my course its very difficult. My degree is 6 years long and people are very cliquey. She should know better. She's 21 like me, but already has a degree so has been to uni and knows how it works. Because she is quite influential people listen to what she says. We seem to have a lot of 18yr old sheep (no offence because i know i wasn't like that at 18).

Apparently one of the mothers of one of the people on my course happened to come across my online diary and told her daughter to keep away from me because i am mentally ill and should not be associating with people. This has spread around my year so i am now the butt of people's jokes.

I know i have to learn to be by myself and i can't be surrounded by people all the time. There was a time when i could do that and be quite happy in my own company. But when i was like that i always knew in the back pof my mind that people were there if/when i needed them. Now i don't even have that.

[QueenOfHearts]

Oh and by the way, i am having CBT and see a mentor at the university. I am trying it just seems like no matter what i do people want to try and drag me back down. And i don't feel strong enough to face it all.

[QueenOfHearts]

Someone i go to uni with has just told me that basically my fault that these girls aren't talking to me, that i need to sort it out because its affecting a lot of people and that "i'd better have a good reason for being like this".

They're turning people against me and there isn't anything i can do about it.

[jodie]

sarky
i would just keep your head down at uni and make frends out side of there
you sound like a bright person and the fact that you are going through a bad time at the min the people giving you grife probably dont know anything about anxiety so there for dont know how to deal with it.
its easy to close your eyes to things you dont know anything about .
stay cool with them show them you dont care
jodie xx

[Jason37]

Hello,
I'm glad you are here on this site. You won't meet a set of nicer, more caring, more concerned people anywhere else that I know of.
I don't have any great insight, I just wanted to offer a little thought. I suffered with depression in my second year at Uni, too. I became seriously ill with it. I couldn't do anything. Eventually I went home part way through the year. It was like going back to basics, going back home to the 'nest' as it were. It was like going back to the last two people in the world (my mum and dad) who would look after me even after everyone else fell away. And my friends did fall away, and I never forgave some of them for not being there.
Now I hardly remember their names. It's 17 years later and I am still here! I am still me. I made it. And you will too - that's the point. (Sorry it took so long to get to it!) You will make it. You will rebuild what you've had eroded by the unkindness and thoughtlessness of others. Your sensitivities and hurts will heal in time, and you will find the right way for you to go back to basics, and know what is important.
You are clearly a very open, articulate, thoughtful, considerate, pragmatic and proactive person. That is a hell of a lot to have going for you at such a young age. I wish I had had that much about me back then! I also think you are a brave and sensible person too. These qualities will see you through these dark and difficult times, I am sure of it. Go easy on yourself, and if you don't already, try to eat well, drink water, take a good vitamin supplement and do a little exercise... I have enormous faith after reading your posts that you will get better.
Wishing you every success and happiness, and saluting your bravery and openness,
Jason
xx

[QueenOfHearts]

Thank you jodi and jason, your messages were really kind.

I wish i could just ignore it and get on with it. I'm trying to by hanging around with different people but its not as simple as that. I'm not showing any emotion around them like i used to. One of my old friends who has recently been supportive has told me not to trust someone i have been confiding in. So now i'm just so confused. Who can i trust out there?

I'm trying not to stoop to their level. I can't anyway they are a much bigger group than me and i wouldn't want to because it would make me as bad as them. I just want to be allowed to get on with my life as normal without feeling like everyone is judging me and has a preconceived idea about me because of their backstabbing.

I don't want to go back to uni at all. I had a few people who i thought i could trust and now i can't even trust them.

I know it won't always be this bad, and i know people have much worse problems than me. Thank you for all your advice.

[QueenOfHearts]

I went to see my tutor and showed her the print out of the msn conversation i had with a certain person. She said she can arrange for a mediation session but is worried it would make things worse which i agree with. She said i am donig the right things and that i should carry on, but its so hard when they won't just keep things between us and feel the need to bitch and backstab me.

Why is it so hard for me to have people who want me around and are trustworthy and loyal?

[MrsCluggy]

Hi There Sarky,

I just read your story from start to finish and I must say, I came away with a very strong impression of a person who is so brave, so conscientious and has got so much to offer to the world. For a start, you are training to become a Doctor at a University in another part of the country to your home. That is what I dream of. I am a housewife, aged 36 years, with a 5 year old son, and some days I get so worked up about picking my son up from school in the afternoon that I feel like my heart is going to throw itself out of my chest. You are such a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. As far as those 'friends' are concerned, just leave them to it. Throw yourself whole heartedly into your studies, keep with your mentor and your CBT and take small steps when it comes to making new friends. We are not all that mean and self centred, with a narrow view on the world ... and I most certainly do not think for one minute that you are 'mad' or have severe mental problems like that girl's mother has suggested. What a small mind she must have. It must go with her very sad life !!

You must be very intelligent to be on the course that you are on at Uni. What do you want to do when you graduate, are you going the be a GP or do Hospital work? When you think about it, if you do become a GP and come across patients who have similar symptoms to what you have now, just imagine yourself saying to them "actually, I suffered the same symptoms many, many years ago and I found that this helped me or that helped me" . You would make an abolsutely awesome Doctor because, in my experience, so many doctors these days throw pills at you without actually getting to the route cause of the problem. You will have a wealth of experience to give to the medical world.

YOU ARE AWESOME and I applaude you very loudly for the way you are living your life. I can't honestly remember the last time I laughed or felt comfortable with myself. My confidence is at an all time low and my self esteem is it's ominous partner.

I was sorry to read about your friend who tried to commit suicide. But, that is one example of how you think that everyone else has it all rosy and nice in their life and suddenley they let you know that actually their life isn't that special after all and it takes something like a suicide attempt to bring their plight to everyone's attention. I really and truly hope she feels better soon. We can all learn a valuable lesson from her. No matter how life is, no matter how low you feel, you are still breathing. Every day, just breathe, in an out like the rest of the population. Just breathe.

Hope this helps, Doctor !!

Kindest wishes and fondest regards: Jackie xx

If the opportunity doesn't knock .... build a door.

[MrsCluggy]

I sincerely apologise, Queen of Hearts.

I called you SARKY by complete mistake. I've just been talking to Sarkey and as I'm a mother of a 5 year old, my mind has gone to complete mush !!!

My message was for you, QUEEN OF HEARTS, and not SARKY.

I do apologise. I need chocolate, obviously.

I'm just off to demolish a bar of Dairy Milk. It's on prescription from Willy Wonka. Honestly !!!!

Jackie xx

If the opportunity doesn't knock .... build a door.

[QueenOfHearts]

You weren't wrong...I'll pm you to explain :)

[QueenOfHearts]

That was a really lovely message Jackie.

I would like to be a childrens doctor but i haven't ruled out being a GP. They aren't seen as very glamourous compared to hospital doctors but i want to help people as much as i can. If it means people feel they can approach me more because it treat them with more respect then that is good.

Just for the record, studying medicine is not about intelligence. You need good grades to get you in but they definetely don't keep you here. I work hard, but i don't think i'm especially clever.

I have distanced myself from this people as i'm not wanted around them and i don't want them to be part of my life considering they treat me so badly. However they won't let me just get on with things as they are telling lies to other people who are then coming up to me saying "why are you being so horrible to so and so when she hasn't done anything" even though i have explained that i don't want to get other people involved so i won't tell other people what has been going on.

I just hope i meet some people who show me that i can have some faith in people. I'm seriously doubting everyone and as for trust. I only trust one person and she is too far away.

Thank you, and if/when i make it as a doctor i will prescribe you a year round supply of chocolate :)

[Meg]

QOH

You are sooooooooo needed and we know how rough it is to get into med school and also know how many toes were stepped on and how hard it is when you're a house officer too to keep on everyones right side.

Its great in some ways that you are learning to cope with adversity and diversity early on, it will stand you in great stead ater on whilst others are stressing and not coping.

I so wish you well

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

proactiveness, positivity, persistence, perseverance and practice = progress

[andrew]

hi qoh,

i think you are doing the right thing distancing yourself from some of your former so called friends. eventually you will cease to be the current person being picked on. when they do try and drag you in, just give them all the same answer, i havent spoken to anybody so im not sure what you're talking about and im not really interested.

not having people to trust and finding them is hard. if you do need to share personal stuff try and stick to your mentor and counsellor whilst your trying to build new relationships. theres quite a few young women at uni on the forum, maybe you'll find ppl here to share with confidentually.

we need sensible doctors, stick with it and try to stay positive. hopefully you will have a change of luck to go with your change to a nicer name, you take care .. andrew

[feege]

Hi QOH

I have just read your thread and am so pleased to see you have had such wonderful responses.

It must be incredibly hard for you - so many people struggle to qualify for so many reasons but you sound absolutely amazing, really strong, intelligent and aware and I agree with what a couple of other people said - in time these people will be completely forgotten..

The hardest thing in life to understand is that no-one is completely, 100% trustworthy because we all make mistakes. Some of these people are probably struggling as much as you are and are behaving really badly because of it. You don't need anyone else in order to achieve your goals but you will find over time that good people do come into your life and care for you and support you. You will find some of the most fantastic people in the world on this site and you can make very real friends here... we understand loneliness, anxiety and depression.

I hope today is a better day for you!

loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxx


Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[QueenOfHearts]

Thank you everyone for your very kind replies. I hope i can be there for you as much one day if its every needed.

I'm feeling very very low today. Its the last day of term and i woke up with an anxiety attack so i was unable to go into university. Everyone is packing up and going home for easter and i have to stay here for a week. All my friends are going back home to their family, or with their partners. I always spent my holidays with my boyfriend and now he's not here. I don't have many friends at home in London but at least my mum is there.

I've been crying non stop since around 6 this morning and feel so alone even though i acknowledge that you guys have been fantastic. I just want someone to cuddle me and let me cry, and tell me that everything will be alright. Babyish i know.

I'm constantly swimming against the tide, and i know this is selfish but i just want to stop kicking now and let it all wash over me. I try to be a good person, i think i'm a good friend, so why don't people want to make me part of their social circle.

I know time is a great healer and things will get better i guess they already are. I'm just so tired. I want some peace.

I'd do anything to make all this go away. I can only think of one way and i couldn't do that even though i think about it.

[opal]

Hi Queen of hearts

Sorry to hear you are very low today.
If you want to chat on msn, pm me and I will give you my name.
Be strong and you will get throught this. Everything seems to feel like it is caveing in on us at times.
I am around today for a chat.
Let me know
Opal:)

[mandiemae]

Hiya QOH,

relating to you original post.......Its when your going through difficult times that you find out who you can trust. Ignorance is bliss and these people are to be sympathised. I know thats a hard thing to understand when you are at the recieving end of it, but you are a better person and wiser than they. Its not neccessarily their fault that they dont understand, they just havent experienced that side of life to make them any wiser.

You try to hold your head up high and think to yourself when people are negative and nasty towards you, "what a shame you are blissfully unaware of what life can really be like for some" and for those who do have an understand, they will see these people for who they really are. (What goes around, comes around.....eventually) You may not gain from this thought straight away, but try and keep trying and it WILL eventually help to make you feel better and more able to cope in these situations.

Have a wee look at this link it might help a bit
"Words of Wisdom" that helped me.......PLEASE READ (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=8768)

things will get better, take care

AmandaXXX

" knowing and regarding reality as it is, one should know the true facts about this earthly life and look at it without making excuses, and regulate ones daily life according to this knowledge and standpoint." - the book of Buddism

[feege]

Hi QOH

Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and hope that your day improved - you're not alone any more hun!!!

Loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[sal]

Just caught up with your post.

Firstly welcome and we will help you all we can.

It must be so hard for you having people so close turning their backs on you and if you read my personal story i do understand how hard it is. Even now if i upset someone or more importantly i should admit if i think i have i stew on it and make myself feel really ill again when really there is nothing to answer to apart from me again reading the wrong vibes. But when i became ill so many people turned on me it is hard to break the cycle of seeing the wrong part of it.

I admire how well you have coped so far, and you are a lot stronger than those that have turned their backs on you. I wish you the best of luck with your training and i can assure you we need more doctors like you that have experienced this and i am sure in years to come so many people will value you your excellent and professional support.

People judge too quick and those people that have judged you have obviously never experienced how you feel and i hope they dont.

It isnt easy from either side i do appreciate that but some compassion should be shown rather than the lack of understanding you have being offered.

I am pleased you confronted your flat mate, i did my best mate at the time and she denied it all and said i was being paranoid, so i know how that feels.

You are not though hun you are seeing it how it really is, just a shame they cant be honest and see you for what you are and not judge by others standards.

Thinking about you and here if you ever want to talk.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".