Unusually usual!

[Horse]

I wonder if anyone else who lives alone and by so, suffers extreme loneliness but most of the time preferes not to be with anyone?

There is a saying that if you live alone then 'Saturday night is the loneliness night of the week.' However, I feel that as lonely as I get, any company would be an extra burdon on my already frayed nerves! I think that this is then that we begin to think we are going crazy.

I thought to myself yesterday that I will probably end up being a lonely old man on his own, and then realised that I already am!

[angels22165]

Hi, I can't really comment, I don't live alone but just want to say hello after reading your post, but know about the lonely feeling, but we can also be lonely when in a room full of people. Take care x

[miss_moose]

vhello, i really feel for you and completely understand what your mean, although i dont live alone, i dont have any many friends, i have 2 and months/years go by without me seeing them because although i'm incredibly lonely and i get so upset because i dont have a social life, whenever one of my friends rings me to see if she can come over i get so sik with nerves that i just back out of it, or dont enjoy it if she does come because i'm feeling so sick and shakey.

I really understand what you mean because as much as we would like company, the very thought of having company is enough to bring on a panic attack xx

I hate to think of you alone now i've read your post:hugs:

[Fem_of_the_species]

I completely understand. I feel like this a lot. My good friends live about 400 miles away (where I come from). I am on my own most of the time because I don't really know anyone as a good 'let's have a coffee and a natter' friend up here (despite living here for over 2 years now!). But then, even if a new friend was to come over, I would be extremely nervous about it beforehand and possibly have a bit of a panic attack - it's even worse if I have to go out to meet them!

[paula lynne]

Youre not alone....were all here.....x:D

[Horse]

Thank you for your replies.

Sadly, my loneliness is just the tip of an iceberg! Yes I have a couple of friends but they are unaware of my anxiety problem! Anyway, I hardly ever see them. Also, I have no family except for my brother who lives abroad. My wife who I worshipped left me 10 years ago and refused to accept my anxiety as an illness and was really the reason for her departure. I think my biggest problem is that I can't let go and I probably never will! I am constantly thinking of my two dogs who were the only thing I had left in my life, but sadly they both died.

Someone once told me that my life now resembles something out of a farytale story! A man who lived alone in a castle of ice who was betrayed by a beautiful woman whom he loved. Living each day in pain and mental torture, his heart slowly breaking more and more!
What frightened me was that I realised that it was true!

I prefer to shun away from people now if anything and hate crowds or large social gatherings. It is very true, you can be in a room full of people but be very lonely in your heart. This is a crippling illness and moreso when your confidence and self esteem has been shot to bits.

I now find myself scared of the future and living only in the past. There have been many times when I've gone to bed at night not wishing to wake up in the morning as facing another day alone is constant torture.

However, i am luckier than some. I can walk and see and speak and hear.
I feel love for things of beauty and animals and people. Living in constant emotional pain has taught me much wisdom and many things about people.

I am touched that you feel for me.

May God bless you.

Horse.

[paula lynne]

Horse, would you consider getting another dog at some point? x

[Horse]

Sadly not, as I can't stand the pain when they die.

I do walk a dog for someone once a week but I'm not in the best of health thanks to anxiety, so sometimes even that is a struggle!

[paula lynne]

Maybe you could sponser an animal x

[Horse]

I aready do.

Sadly, I have got to the stage of trusting animals more than people!

[paula lynne]

I dont blame you there!
A friend of mine says "be the person your dog thinks you are"
I like that x

[loveletter]

Hi Horse my heart goes out to you tonight. Your posts really touched my heart.
I do have my 3 boys living with me age 13 23 and 29 but since my husband died 3 and a half years ago the loneliness is really getting me down.
I have a couple of friends but do not see much of them as people seem to be so wrapped up in there own family's, and as I often can not go out the house and on good days can not go far even with someone I think they get a bit fed up with me.
I have convinced myself I will be alone for the rest of my life even though I am only 48 as I wonder who could put up with my panic attacks, agrophobia and ocd
I pray every night for God to send people into my life as with the right people I feel quite a lot better it is when I am on my own I feel worse.
Like you I think I am living in the past but with all my heart I want to move forwards but wonder if I ever will.
How will you be over Christmas as I am dreading it. Every one seems to be playing happy family s and that makes me feel even worse.

I can really understand you last few lines as through my emotional pain that seems to have gone on and on God has taught me so very very much.

May God richly bless you my love x .

[looking4answers]

Its funny you should post what you did.. I was just thinking about my wife and I. I was wondering if we are weird.. Ever since we have been married we stay to ourselves and spend alot of time indoors..Then when we feel like it we get up and go take a ride or do things to suit us..Since we moved to where we did..we have many more people coming to our door ,friends that I have known over the years.. They just pop in from time to time.At first it was ok but now sometimes we don't open the door.. Im not sure that people know that we are home and it kind of makes me feel bad since we don't answer the door.Sometimes we stay at home and don't go out for days.. well ..what I mean is we don't go out on the town anywhere.. we just walk around in the yard and look at our plants etc.. and that is the day.We usually have some project going on that we are working on.We have breakfast and then lunch ,watch a little television and then have dinner and then get on the computer for the rest of the evening until bedtime. Recently we don't answer the phone when people call because we really aren't in the mood for chatting.

Im not sure this is antisocial behavior or just being selfish.. We have been ask to a bunch of outtings since we arrived here where we moved to ..We have gone to a few and others ,"the majority" we don't.. Im not sure the people that invite us is offended by it but guess they understand how we are.I was just wondering when I ran across your post if there really is something wrong with us.. Im not sure we really get lonely having each other but then again when we do have people over its nice sometimes and sometimes it feels like a pain.. lol.. what do you think?

[Horse]

Loveletter.

Thank you for your reply.

Sadly, my father passed away suddenly when I was 13, my mother was only 45 then and would of quite happily walked under a bus if it wasn't for me being with her at home (my brother had by then emigrated).

It is hard growing up without a dad at 13 and I have been told that this was probably the main reason for my anxiety starting as after that I became very insecure and wouldn't go out or to school. Subsequently, I lost all my friends and became a loner.

I know that this time of year is terrible, because everywhere you go, you see couples shopping together and it upsets you that other women should still have their husbands. Sometimes it is hard to believe that there is a God. Don't forget though, we only see the people who are enjoying themselves and not the ones who are worse off than us!

Sadly there are no answers to our questions. Loss is a terrible pain and no amount of medication will relieve it.

I try and believe that one day we will be united with everything and everybody we have lost if such a place as Heaven exists.

If it don't............then I ain't going!!!!!!!!!

May God keep you safe and strong.

Horse.

[Horse]

Looking4answers.
I think the main point is that if you are both happy doing what you're doing together then it doesn't matter what you do.

[loveletter]

Hi Horse. My 13 year old son has not been to school only about 8 times in 2 years.
He does not want to leave the house as he does not want to mix with other children.
The education people took me to court in March this year and tried to get me sent to prison.This was the most terrifying time of my life. And since March my anxiety has been really really bad.
My son 2 years ago said he would hang himself if he was made to go to school.
The education department have put me through hell.
Social services got involved and a year ago put my son on a child protection order saying I was emotionally harming my son.
My son locks doors all day and wants the curtains closed, is really frightened if any one comes to the door even the postman and runs upstairs.
He prefers to stay up all night and sleep in the day.
I have now with the help of people from church put in a 60 page complaint to social services as they said for a year and a half there was nothing wrong with my son.
A few weeks ago we got a mst can worker and they got my son to see one of there doctors that has now diagnosed my son with post traumatic stress.

Horse with all my heart I believe there is a place called heaven and I also believe we will be given glorified body's therefore no anxiety no worry's no pain ever again.
Thanks for replying it has really helped me tonight x

[looking4answers]

Horse..I totally understand about growing up without a dad. My mom and dad divorced when I was too.. Talk about hard.. growing up in the 60's and 70's with no dad was totally unacceptable..Back then I was from a broken home..Today its totally normal with people divorcing all over the place and marrying again...its not unusual for kids to have several sets of parents or no dad or mom..Not that its any better.. Im just saying it was hard..Thank God my mother had sisters that had husbands..I had an uncle that was the closest thing to a dad I could ever hope for..He and my aunt allways had a house full of foster children as well .. It gave me a place to go on weekends and holidays to be with those children and my uncle that treated me just like one of the kids..I learned more from this man than anyone alive.He had a six grade education but there wasn't anything he couldn't do..Never believed in hiring anyone for anyone..,Anyway getting to my point..My mother and my brother and aunts and uncles were my life..everything I had ever known.. Now they are all gone..and I have recently moved back to the city where they were..Now its just a place filled with memories but it has some great ones..When I lived somewhere else before moving here again..I would have passing thoughts about those who have gone before me..now living here ..it makes me miss them more.. but its nice to still have the memories. I grew up hard child of a single parent that worked hard to survive and we made it ok.. I know I have anxiety but well thats nothing new I have had it most of my life.. and thinking back on how I grew up..i don't think I would have changed anything but I can surely identify with how you feel about losing people and missing them .. Hope you feel better soon.Take care..

[Horse]

Loveletter.
I can totally relate to what your son is going through.
Of course, if the powers that be took the trouble to study Child Psychology, they would of realised that that is the normal behaviour of a child experiencing PTS disorder!

I'm sure your local paper would be very interested in the pain your education authority have put you through.

I was under a Child Psychiatrist for 2 years after my dads death and I ended up have home tuition because of my insecurity.

I can only advise you to give your son as much support as possible to help him and comfort him.

Sadly, I didn't have this as my mum used to beat me and say that I was only doing this because my dad wasn't alive! Of course she was totally wrong but it wasn't her fault. She was only beating me to release her own anger because she had lost her husband. But at 13, I didn't know this naturally!

Your past 3 years has been hard and it will be hard in the future. May your faith keep you strong.

Remember, You are never so lost that an Angel cannot find you!

[loveletter]

Horse thanks so much for the reply.
I have been blamed by social services and education.
I have so much paper work telling me how it is all my fault.
I really think if it was not for God I would have totally lost the plot.
Thank you for believing me about my son it has been so horrible to see him suffer like he has.
I begged them for home tuition but they said nothing was wrong with him.
The school has said he can go into a unit which is in the school with only a few children in. He has been a few times in the past for a few hours at a time and has quite liked it if he does not have to stay for more then a few hours.
The big problem I think is that we live 6 miles from the school and he would have to get on a bus full of other children.
The education people made him do this bus journey which he did a couple of times and went to bits he sew fights people swearing it scared the life out of him.
With my church I have fought for a year and a half to get him taxies which now they say they will give him after Christmas now he has been diagnosed with pts but I must understand this will only be for about 6 weeks after this he has to go on the bus.
I am so worried about all this I really up.
When I went to court they where also talking about tagging me so I could not go out the house from 7pm till 7am.
Tagging for a agrophobia woman that can not go out any way.
The only place I ever go at night is twice a week to bible study and someone picks me up and brings me home by car.
My friend who was with me at court said to the probation officer if you tagg her I will take it to every christian newspaper in the country.
So sorry to go on and to go away from what you was talking about to start with but I have just needed to get it all out of me tonight.

I am so very sorry to hear about what your mum did to you it must have been such a hard time for you.

God bless my friend x

[Horse]

Don't worry.

Our day will come.