The wheels have come off [Archive]

HarrogateChris

05-12-10, 14:15

Sorry to say the wheels came off for me last night :weep:

I belong to a book group with my friend who doesn'y want anything to do with me anymore. I was so happy to be invited to join.

I looked at the bookgroup facebook page last night and whilst I haven't been thrown out, I have had all my permissions to post anything removed. It's such a pathetic trivial snub, but I think because it's so ridiculous it's really got to me. I've respected what she said a couple of weeks ago and I've completely left her alone, why this now?

It's feeding right into my issues and is upsetting me massively, I have been in floods of tears and collapsed in the street with panic and massive distress when I tried to walk to the shop.

I'm not a bad person, why am I being treated so awfully? :weep:

Chris

JaneC

05-12-10, 14:26

That's horrible Chris, sorry you are being put through this. I really don't understand how people can be so horrible and petty :hugs:

I'm not a bad person, why am I being treated so awfully? :weep:

None of it is any reflection on you. What kind of person you are doesn't come into it when someone decides to be nasty. Are you familiar with CBT techniques at all?

KK77

05-12-10, 15:15

I completely understand the mixture of emotions you're going through Chris. It is petty and trivial and I can't help but feel there's an element of revenge - perhaps she expected you to run after her instead of respecting her wishes to be left alone.

In any case, sometimes it's better to move away completely so don't let this be a reflection on yourself.

HarrogateChris

05-12-10, 16:14

Are you familiar with CBT techniques at all?

No, I thought I was doing OK at dealing with this hurt and thought I was starting to heal, but this has just ripped everything wide open again. :weep:

I think she is definitely taking something from her past out on me. In a way that makes it harder because I know she has such a lovely kind side and that this is because that person is hurting.

Chris

baileys

05-12-10, 16:35

Chris my therapist always tells me that people can only hurt me if i let them. Its so true. You are allowing her to upset you, don't, because she is the one with the problem not you. She may be hurting but you are too.
Shes looking out for herself at the moment and you should do what's best for you too.

ditzygirl

05-12-10, 19:14

How horrible, I really struggle at how people can get a kick out of hurting someone on purpose. I have to say FB can cause so much hassle and in my book is a tool to cause a lot of pain!!!!!!! I have had a similar situation with FB and it caused me a lot of pain too.

But please don't beat urself up for having a little blip - this person is mad, being nasty to someone who is genuine and cares!!!!

The others advise is brilliant. Not allowing people to hurt you is a great skill, I just need to use it!!

Don't change who you are, this person doesn't deserve ur friendship.

:)

JaneC

05-12-10, 19:42

Chris my therapist always tells me that people can only hurt me if i let them. Its so true.

This is similar to stuff I've been reading David D Burns' book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (included here http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/reading/), which was why I was asking Chris about CBT.

What I was reading was about anger (people don't make you angry, it's your reaction to them or their actions) but I think it's quite transferable. As ditzygirl says, knowing the theory and putting it into practice are two different things but maybe it's something you should try to explore Chris, it can be a very good way of protecting yourself from hurting like this x

baileys

05-12-10, 20:11

This is similar to stuff I've been reading David D Burns' book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (included here http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/reading/), which was why I was asking Chris about CBT.

What I was reading was about anger (people don't make you angry, it's your reaction to them or their actions) but I think it's quite transferable. As ditzygirl says, knowing the theory and putting it into practice are two different things but maybe it's something you should try to explore Chris, it can be a very good way of protecting yourself from hurting like this x

It is really hard to put into practice Jane but it does work if you are in the right mood to let it. Its not always easy but people with bags of self esteem do it all the time.

JaneC

05-12-10, 20:18

Its not always easy but people with bags of self esteem do it all the time.

Interesting point Baileys, I guess self-esteem is something a lot of us on here are lacking in, but you're right, it doesn't mean we have to be stuck with being that way. The Burns book has given me a lot of food for thought x

baileys

05-12-10, 20:23

Might have a read of that Jane.....its one thing that my therapist has taught me that makes sense, although its hard to do.X.

JaneC

05-12-10, 20:36

It's not the easiest book to read IMO but I'm reading a bit, taking a break, then going back to it as there's a lot to absorb. I'm finding it very interesting. I did CBT with a therapist years ago and on one level it's acting as a refresher course on things I covered with her but on another it's introducing me to stuff that's new to me as well (and it wasn't expensive either) x

Hazel B

05-12-10, 20:41

Chris, sometimes people project all their crap onto other people and can be selfish and thoughtless. The FB behaviour puts me in mind of school bullying, very childish and unnecessary. A mature person would talk to you face to face with their issues, not hide behind the web. I don't know the history with this person, but at our lowest times we find out who our true friends are. Please try not to let this have power over your emotions any more, Baileys is right, people only hurt us if we let them and give them head space, try to make her smaller in your mind. I know it's not easy but you deserve better than this.

Take care.

HarrogateChris

05-12-10, 22:49

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice.

I have a lot of self-esteem issues to deal with. She was my best friend, but deep down I never believed I was good enough to be her friend and have accepted her behaviour as something I've deserved. Unfortunately, knowing that isn't true in my head is much easier that feeling it.

I need to stop obsessing on how she has treated me and start dealing with my deeper issues around self-esteem and validation. Her behaviour is unfortunately really pushing my buttons, and I need to recognise that and deal with the bigger picture not worry about her.

Making her smaller in my mind is a really helpful suggestion/image. Is that a CBT technique?

Thanks again, feeling better this evening.

Chris

Granny Primark

06-12-10, 02:31

Lack of self esteem comes with this illness we suffer from sadly.
People really cant see we are ill when seem to be looking so well from the outside.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Hazel B

06-12-10, 11:42

Chris, making somebody smaller in my mind is something I've learnt to do myself, not sure where I got it from. I make someone smaller, than send them out of the top of my head like a little smoke cloud. It works, it's probably called visualisation.

I also have a trick when I think someone is trying to intimidate me, I imagine them as a cartoon like Daffy Duck/Scooby Doo, it takes the fear away.

I would gently like to advise that you concentrate on yourself and get yourself well. She's not worth it and you really do deserve better.

Take care.

gaaron

06-12-10, 12:01

Hazel

I love your 'visualisation' advice! x

ditzygirl

06-12-10, 13:22

I am not excusing this persons behaviour but I can't help wonder if she herself has a low opinion of herself and takes it out on the people who really care for her. Usually behind every bully there is a real problem.

But ITS NOT UR PROBLEM. You have feelings and a genuine friend will respect you and who u are.

Chris - its hard isn't it to believe in yourself, im in a bit of a rut coz i choose the wrong men, in my head i don't deserve a decent bloke. but i don't deserve my current situation either.
But you are you , anyone can be hit with anxiety, depression, low self esteem. Anyone who thinks they wont is being very presumptious.
You can get through this and you deserve good honest kind friends. Don't ever give up being kind and caringx

t0rt01se36

06-12-10, 14:31

Sorry you are suffering from self esteem issues. I too suffer from self esteem issues so maybe we could help each other out?

Ju

HarrogateChris

06-12-10, 16:55

Thank you all for the kind words and positive suggestions, I'm honestly touched by them. :blush:

I think my depression is a symptom of some deep and fundamental self-worth issues which I'm coming to terms with in therapy. My friends actions have really yanked that particular chain very hard.

Hazel - thanks your technique has helped today and I need reminding to focus on me,

Ditzygirl - Thank you, I think you're right that my friend has her own issues and they are not my problems. I need to be who I am.

Ju - If we can help eachother out that sounds splendid :hugs:

I'm feeling really cared for, thank you.

Chris

mick_uk

06-12-10, 18:54

Keep on being yourself Chris. Don't change. It's their loss in the long run.
Take care mate.

Mick

HarrogateChris

07-12-10, 20:51

SHYGIRLAJB

07-12-10, 21:29

Today has frankly been a shocker.

I'm desperate to be well again, I know the problem with my friend is actually about something much deeper in my past, but I'm having such a hard time trying to find a way to start healing. In the meantime I'm in this Hell of depression.

I just want to hide until the monster has gone.

Chris

Awww do you, I wish I could help,sending big hugs to you my friend I do care. You can speak to me anytime, if you want to meet up I will try my hardest to try and do so.

I may be weird but I do care.

Anita, xx.

HarrogateChris

07-12-10, 21:43

You're not weird, you're a star :D

xx.

paula lynne

07-12-10, 22:25

Me too, I care.....x:hugs:

Hazel B

08-12-10, 19:06

Chris, you're not alone. I hope this passes very soon.

:hugs:

HarrogateChris

10-12-10, 18:54

Thank you all for being so kind. :hugs:

Been away for a few days, still feeling really rubbish and having real difficulty sleeping. Going to see my GP on Monday as I think I either need to up the Cit from 20mg or come off it. Where I am at the moment is just really horrible.

Chris

t0rt01se36

11-12-10, 12:19

Chris. Your task for next week for Self Esteem reasons is:-

Write down five things you are good at and can include skills. Keep it safe.

Ju

Tero

11-12-10, 14:34

Oops, responding to another old post.

How is the book club part working out, did you find another one?

HarrogateChris

11-12-10, 17:53

I'm very good at lots of things, my esteem issue is not that I'm rubbish it's that I'm hated. I basically don't believe anyone likes me, I appreciate that's not rational, but it also doesn't help when someone you loved cuts you off dead.

Tero - I wish it was as simple as finding a new book group, that would be easy. It's the treatment by friends that hurts.

I crashed my car last night, not badly, I ran into the back of a lady who set off on a roundabout and then changed her mind and stopped. She was seven months pregnant. I spent the night terrified that I had hurt her or her unborn baby and that I was going to be responsible for something truly terrible happening to someone just before Christmas. I resolved I would kill myself if the worst happened.

Thankfully she is fine, she's been checked out at the hospital and everything was OK. She was even kind to me when I phoned as I was so concerned.

I arrived home and phoned my parents, who know I am unwell but don't really understand, my Dad accused me of abusing him and my Mum and launched into a 'tough love' I needed to get a hold of myself type speech. My crime is being a bit short with them occasionally, not sure that counts as abuse. I decided not to raise their withholding of affection through my childhood unless I did what they wanted as well as they wanted.

I'm so very tired of all this pain. It seems like there is no end to this misery.

Chris

Tero

11-12-10, 18:36

ditzygirl

11-12-10, 18:45

Chris, you poor thing. You really are having a horrid time.

Why do u feel hated ? this friend has hurt you and i reckon she is hurting more - she has her own issues, a true friend wouldn't hurt you this way.

I thing you are amazing - why???? well you are completely open about how you are feeling and why on here to us. That shows how strong you are. Keeping your feelings to yourself is a different thing altogether.

I bet the lady u ran into last night in your car is really touched that you called to check she is ok. An accident can happen to anyone at anytime. Dealing with it in such a caring manner again shows your strength of character and your concern for others. They are attributes to be proud of in my book.

As for your parents - well no one teaches you to be an adult or a parent. Maybe they feel guilty about your childhood, maybe they don't know how to love unconditionally, maybe they have had their own personal issues with anxiety and depression that you are not aware of.
I know my anxiety comes from a learnt behaviour. On the bad days I blame them, but on the good days I know I need to find a way through it.
I have issues from my childhood too which have effected me in a huge way. I just don't want to end up bitter and twisted so have to find a way to just accept it.

Your not alone with how you feel - honest.

I reckon your so called friend needs her head testingxx

Tero

11-12-10, 20:45

As for your parents - well no one teaches you to be an adult or a parent.
Yes, have that framed.

HarrogateChris

12-12-10, 01:17

Dealing with it in such a caring manner again shows your strength of character and your concern for others. They are attributes to be proud of in my book.

Ditzy thank you, you said a lot of very lovely things :hugs:

I think I'm hated because I have some sort of attachment disorder/avoident personality disorder thing going on. I am constantly striving to be perfect to everyone because if I feel like I'm not I start getting massively insecure and needy. Being perfect all the time is impossible so I spend most of my time convinced that people are angry or fed up with me. It's this behaviour that is my part of why my friend has behaved how she has. I think she also has her own problems though.

Caring is a good thing, it's a fundamental part of who I am. But I would have protected myself from a lot of pain if I'd turned my back months ago when she started behaving erratically towards me and refusing to talk about why. I knew that she was acting out on her own issues and I basically destroyed myself trying to save a friendship that she was determined to break without actually facing up to what she was doing. I had a lot of other stuff going on as I unravelled and I became obsessed with trying to fix our friendship in the belief that that would sort out everything else as well. I failed and I am utterly heartbroken.

Chris xx

HarrogateChris

12-12-10, 01:20

Your parents are not going to be much help. The lonelyness seems to be a major part of your situation. It is just something one has to learn to live with. The people you have run into do not seem to be worthy of trust. Keep looking. But do not get dragged down my parents etc.

Sorry Tero, but that's quite a dark and bleak outlook. It's a bit too dark and hopeless for me. Relationships are something to work at, especially with close family.

Chris

Tero

12-12-10, 02:02

No, that may be right, keep a working relationship, but some things are not to share with the parents.

I never agreed with my dad about politics. So we never discussed the topic.

ditzygirl

12-12-10, 16:17

Chris,

You haven't failed at anything. I am sorry this person has left you heartbroken I wonder if she has any idea of the pain she has caused ??? Some people get off on causing pain to others - they seem to get a kick out of it.

This person isn't worthy of your feelings sadly, she obviously has her own issues but you are not responsible for them.

I am also sorry you feel the need to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect for anyone, you just have to be you. We all have good days, bad days, up and downs. We all make decisions that don't work out either.

Personally I think a real attribute in anyone is someone who is honest enough to share who they really are. Showing you are hurt and have feelings shows you are really caring and that is really something you should be proud of.

I've come to the conclusion that as long as in your heart of hearts you have been kind and tried your best - that's all you can do.

Good luck with the GP tomorrow.

We're here for you anytimex

HarrogateChris

12-12-10, 22:36

You don't have to be perfect for anyone, you just have to be you.

Thanks Ditzy, I'm working on that one :blush:

Had a pretty good day today, even managed a trip to the supermarket without feeling too overwhelmed :)

Chris

Hazel B

13-12-10, 13:25

Well done, take one day at a time.

Hope you feel better soon.:hugs:

HarrogateChris

13-12-10, 17:40

This has been posted before, but it's such a great poem for me right now I'm giving it a well deserved bump...

Love After Love, Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

happycamper

13-12-10, 19:42

Like that a lot Chris!

ditzygirl

13-12-10, 20:11

great words Chris.

I've posted this before too, but I use these words a lot:

Life is too short to wake up in the morning
with regrets. Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just said it would be worth it.

In my book time is a great healer, so be patient Chris, things
will get better and when they do you will be in the right place
to embrace a new or different opportunity- you;ll see.

In the meantime we here to support you .
And hope your feeling better todayx

HarrogateChris

13-12-10, 21:18

Hi Ditzy,

I like that :D

I know this will pass in time, I'm doing the right things and working on straightening my thinking out a little.

Still learning to give myself a break and stop pushing so hard.

Today has been OK, good start, wobble in the afternoon but OK now. Didn't manage to get an appointment with the Doc, will try again tomorrow. Would be good to feel a little further from the precipice.

Chris

ditzygirl

13-12-10, 21:45

lol I'm glad you are feeling better, the pain of someone hurting your feelings is horrid.

I wish I could give up thinking - life would be so much simpler lol!!!

Im rubbish at giving myself a break too - but that's when I have a wobble, but we get by!!!!

Hope u get to see the Doc this week, I hate going to Docs but the reassurance is really important.

you sound really positive today so hang on in there - it WILL get better!!!!x