My Story

[Phantasm]

Here's tha deal.
My mother had MS and was deeply depressed (getting worse as time passed untill she died). My Father, although a basically good guy, was distant and never encouraged or guided me in any way. My brother bullied me.
Boo Hoo, you might say. But I am damaged by all of this.
Early trauma is hard-wired.
I have never known an absence of anxiety. I do not know what it is to feel relaxed.
My mum once told me that I didn't cry as a baby or child.
The only reason a baby/child doesn't cry is when they have been left to cry until they stopped. (Primary Trauma.)
The first friends I ever made, my brother whispered in their ears and they turned their backs on me.One of my earliest memories.

OK, Where do I start?
I suffered a brutal lynch from about 6 guys who gave me a beating when I was about 17.
I could divide things, but I had a series of complete mental/nervous breakdowns.
I tried to seek help, but they were all tick-box, smug shits who had no insight.
While I was there, my head was both spinning and racing. The floor was wavering. The room was hopeless, and everything had no point or meaning.

[nomorepanic]

Hi Phantasm

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[pammy1944]

sorry youre feeling this way.....i dont agree with the 'primary trauma' thing though........one of my kids never cried and still very rarely does and she 43 now. When you have kids you either get a crier or a non-crier. Ive had both . I feel that you need to 'look forwards' instead of backwards and try and adjust your present life to the way you feel now. That is the only way to go forwards and get away from the feelings youre having. You dont say how old you are , I feel that youre still quite young.you were lucky to have a good guy for a father and dont fret about your brother they are all bullies at some time when youre growing up .........hope you can get to grips with your feelings soon . You might find that going to the chatroom here gives you some help .xx

[Phantasm]

Hi Pammy
Thank you for taking the time to post.
In answer to your question, I am 31 and have lost my entire twenties to mental illness.
Pammy, reading your comment makes me laugh.
It reminds me of the times I've tried to tell people what my condition is,
I sometimes wish I could do a Vulcan mind-meld, just to show what I live with, but if I did they would end up in an asylum.
I suspect my problem is "Depersonalisation Disorder" or one of its varients like derealiasation. Along with Sress Disorder, chronic depression and generalised anxiety disorder.

Anyway, if you dont know how to help me, and can offer no advice, then what is the point of this site?:weep:

[Phantasm]

No offence.
But I've had no help from doctors or anyone else.
I have come a long way, but I tought myself.

[baileys]

I get what you are saying phantasm, not everybody does though and how can they if they haven't experienced it.
Well done for helping yourself and maybe its time to ask for help from others too.

[Phantasm]

I have been thinking about getting officially diagnosed, even though my experiences with the medical profession have all been negative.
I have a good GP, she's great, but everyone else I've met is a liabillity and must be doing damage to the vulnerable. :mad:

[Phantasm]

I guess you have to be philosophical about these matters.
Just as when you employ someone to fix your kitchen, you may get a good or bad workman.:shrug:

[Fly away Katie]

Hello and welcome to the forum x x x

[Veronica H]

:welcome:to NMP Phantasm. This is a friendly place, with great information and support.

Veronicax

[Phantasm]

Sorry about the srident nature of my posts. But I'm sure some of you can appreciate that I would not have survived this long if there wasn't a belligerant spirit keeping me going.

I have observed in myself that you cannot usually tell just how bad you are untill you start to come out of it.

I look back at myself with incredulity at what I have endured.
Perhaps I can take some pride in that.
I look out the window and see all the normals with romances, careers, famillys, travels and life, and I am just a shadow.

I tought myself emdr and have practiced it, in various guises, for the last year.
I have processed so much, but I sometimes think there are not enough tears.
I try to connect with my body and the physical world but it burns when I do and I want to cry and scream. This tires me, and I feel little but a flat, empty sadness. I fight to shake this demon out of me and my life is forever on hold as I try.

I just read "Feeling Empty" about Depersonalisation Disorder and it sounds very familiar to me.
I'de heard of these symptoms, but only as minor additions to anxiety disorder. I thought they were "just me". Turns out they're not, which is a relief. So I maybe troubling the wrong website. My apple-oggies. I know which one to go to.

Still, I might stop by from time to time as I may have real advice to offer after 14 years of the hard way.:noangel:

p.s No offence, but support is good and reasuring - God knows I wish I knew someone who knew and recognised my condition - but you must not stagnate and hold onto it as your identity.
It's an illusion and must be destroyed.:shades:

[Tero]

Sorry to interrupt, but I don't get why you are sharing all this. To help us? Since you do not need support from professionals or anyone, that can't be it.

[Phantasm]

Maybe I just needed to VENT in an sympathetic environment, saying things I could never say anywhere else.
Maybe I was testing you to see if you are for real or just self-perpetuating because everyone has let me down.
But I'm sorry to bother you.

[Tero]

Fine, vent. I am a guy, guys are always trying to solve problems. Nothing I can do here. Take care.

Hmm, you are a guy too. Then, obviously maybe a woman can help you.

[Phantasm]

Thanks for being good-natured about it. I put up shields in advance, which is probobly why I havnt had good treatment. I look strong, speak clever and have self-control (I had my first breakdown in the passenger seat of a car and the driver, my own brother, didnt even notice).

I'de like a girl, but I'm too detached to connect with anyone.

[Phantasm]

Emotional Processing is the only deep and lasting solution.
All pathalogical behaviour seems crazy in the present, but it is all learned behaviour once used to cope with a difficult or traumatic situation.
A tree grows from a seed.

Now I must leave you
Parting is such sweet sorrow
Like tears in the rain

[Phantasm]

You are a ship of fools.