Im new and Heres my story.

[kailazee]

Im kaila,
I have had anxiety since I was about 10 years old,
It all started by an Intrusive sick thought about hurting my new baby brother,
I felt so guily it ate at me for months.
Ever since then I have had a horrible panic disorder.
I have been trying to tackle it without meds, Just my therapist.
But for the past two weeks it's been hell.

I have been suffering from horrible head pressure, Feeling like im going to faint in the middle of classes, I read slower, I think slower, My mind just feels exhausted. I havent been able to think or see clearly for two weeks.
I have those "Im going crazy thoughts constantly"
I have intrusive suicidal thoughts, Not constantly but I do.

And something else I just noticed and was wondering if any one can relate...


Say I like a guy, Not just like a small crush, Like I found a guy im interested in.

Everytime i think about him, I panic? Even though I like him, I like being around him.
And eventually They get on my nerves because I panic about them so much...
I'm worried I will never be able to have a relationship.
i really don't want to stop liking this guy.
It sounds like a little kid I know, but it's bothering me.

I just wanted to let you all know my story,
It's to the point where i may have to give up and start mind-altering meds.
:wacko:
I might add that I understand it could come from being traumatized as a child,

Im not trying to get you to feel sorry, but could this contribute?

I have a dad, who stays in and out of jail for Drugs, theft, ect...
And my mom is addicted to Pills,
I have never had anyone to help me through hard times such as,

Experiencing my Grandma and Cousin Trying to kill themselves infront of me before I was even 11 years old.

I have never had somebody to confide in, to talk to me when I was confused about things.

I stay in and out of hospitals for Pneumonia, Multiple times have I been on life support.

I had to watch my mom Overdose on Soma's.


And Now im wondering if this is all in the back of my mind, Mentally breaking me down.
Does this sound possible?

[nomorepanic]

Hi kailazee

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[gaaron]

Hi, you'll find loads of support on this site..
:welcome::flowers:x

[Nigel]

Hi Kaila,
:welcome: to NMP!
“And Now im wondering if this is all in the back of my mind, Mentally breaking me down.
Does this sound possible?”

More than possible. I think it’s very likely. I mean, to witness some of those things with your parents, and your Grandma and Cousin, at the age of only 11 – I’d struggle to cope with some of that as an adult. You sound like a courageous young girl, but sometimes we can try to be strong for too long.

And to have nobody to confide in – we all need people to talk to and help us make sense of things, even more so when growing up and trying to makes sense of this crazy world. So keep talking to your therapist, and you’ve got us lot here too. Feel free to write as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. There’s always a sympathetic ear willing to listen :)

Take care Kaila :hugs:
You sound like an amazing person.

Nigel

[sop84]

:welcome:Your in the best place hunny. For support and advice :D
I have a family member who used to actually threatn suicde to me and my siblings in a a malicious way in order for us to behave. She attempted it once and my little sister found her and then she blamed her which was awful.

PM me if you wanna chat. I'm here most days usually 9-5ish.

I agree with Nigel you sound like an amazing person and have been thru alot keep on chatting on here and hopefully you will start to feel better xx

[Dizz]

Hiya Kaila.

Reading your words and hearing what you have been through and seen as a child actually made me cry. I hope you don't mind me saying that.:hugs:

I agree with everything Nigel has said and that was what I was going to say too.

I don't know how old you are now but you are obviosuly a very brave and strong young lady to have lived through all the terrible things that have been thrown at you by your families actions and their ways.

Talking about it with your therapist is a great way forward and I really hope it is working for you... it may take time but you will get there and one day you will turn around and realise that although the memories are still there those memories aren't hurting you anymore...:hugs:

....you will be happy and you can build the lovely life that you so deserve.... hopefully with a very yummy guy who will treasure,love and take care of every little bit of you forever :hugs:

Infact I'd like one of those too so if you find two can I have the other one :winks:

Look forward to chatting to you on here anytime

Take care x x x x x

[Nigel]

Hi again Kaila,

Just to add...

“I found a guy im interested in.
Everytime i think about him, I panic? Even though I like him...”

There’s a funny thing about panic. When you really think about all the physical sensations, they’re almost exactly the same as ‘excitement’.

Do you think some of what you feel could perhaps be a little excitement, only it’s being interpreted as panic because that’s more familiar?

Take care :)
Nigel

[recoil]

hi and :welcome: to nmp

[Veronica H]

:welcome:to NMP Kaila. You have been through so much:bighug1:.
You will find good information and support here.

Veronicax

[baby bell]

hi hun welcome i can relate to u so much its so hard but im learning loads from this site pm me plz i would love to talk and try and help oh and the guy thing its normal i think every women gets that not just us only we feel it that bit more u know what stick to it when u think of him its only the excitment making u think ur panicing coz he must be so cool in ur eyes lol xxxxxx