Terrified of anxiety returning.

[happycamper]

Hi Guys,

Feeling compelled to post a thread here after having a tearful session today with my psychologist, the first time in ages

Basically I had 3 years of increasingly worse anxiety secondary to a number of stressful events close together, mainly cancers in my parents (x3), moving to another part of the country, major relationship problems with my mother, new job etc...

However since June I've thankfully been on the up after realising what I had and what I needed to do to help myself, take citalopram which has helped a great deal and felt on an even keel, finally. But however had a couple of episodes of anxiety recently for no real reason and it's made me feel so scared that the horrendous anxiety I had this time last year is to return. I can't explain just how terrified I am of it, it's like a phobia...sounds ridiculous I'm sure to most people, but I'm hoping someone on here can enlighten me or understand what it's like to get anxious about poxy anxiety.

Any offers gratefully received!

[Geoff2301]

know exactly how you feel as I've just gone downhill over the last couple of weeks..... remind yourself that you always get better..... might take a few weeks but you will definitely get better!! Try and keep busy... not always that easy I know, when you're feeling rough,,,, and remember also that "blips" are very common...... something I have to keep reminding myself of!!

Geoff

[happycamper]

Thanks Geoff,

I know over the last 6 months I've been getting better without a doubt and I appreciate it's normal to have blips.

Just thinking though if the worst anxiety returned I don't know how I'd cope with it again. I'm on the verge of tears thinking about it and being on cit has meant I've not been tearful in any way due to it's numbing effect, (not sure if that's good or bad...?).

Blimey I was even contemplating stopping them in the near future I felt that positive, but could that mean the return of the anxiety monster?

Sorry for seeming so negative, I can be positive easily for other people though - I hope your blip sods off asap chuck! x

[Dragonsblonde]

Hiya

Since my main fear always resolved into a fear of the fear itself, maybe I can shed some light lol. My fear begins with the thought of my husband dying and being on my own without him and then spirals quickly into just the fear of the fear itself. At it's height I would get instant mind flashes from simple pictures of me crying to full on being put in a stright jacket and taken away. The thought of having to fight and cry my way through the day just to exist was more than I could stand. Now though I am doing just fine

Couldn't stop fighting myself in my head, thinking I was weak and helpless and that there was no way I could avoid it. I found myself trying to achieve things that were silly. I thought I wouldn't be ok again until I could sit in silence doing nothing at all and feel totally calm!!!! bearing in mind that is something I never do normally at all lol

You can be tearful, angry and feel hopeless and worthless. None of that is true though. I have had a blip which really worried me, but am past it now. I just relaxed and carried on as normal and let it go and all in all it lasted about a week.

Please remember these simple things though, it is winter and everyone feels lousy at this time of year (it just shows up more with us), Christmas is coming and even if you love it, life gets busier and more pressure is applied.

Apologies for the length of this, but you have helped me out in the past and I just hope that I can return the favour xx

[happycamper]

Don't apologise DB, I'm very grateful for your time in replying.

Glad your feeling better from your blip.

I didn't know if I was having a blip as such, but maybe I am. Just had a little niggling uncertainty and anxiness which isn't major, but it just reminds me of how I actually felt at my worst when I thought it was long forgotten, then bang, suddenly it's become a very scary prospect, I never realised just how bad I must have been a year ago. In my mind though, if I've been like it before what makes me now immune to it happening again, especially when I stop the cit.

I know it's crazy, but I just feel like pleading to anyone to stop it coming back into my life, although of course that won't work!

But I take on board what you've said and hopefully be back to advising other peeps having their blips again - we're all going round in circles! X

[fishman65]

Hi Happycamper,I can identify totally with what you are saying about the fear of the anxiety returning.If we look at it logically (which we anxiety sufferers seldom do),what we are seeing here is a self-fulfilling prophecy at work.We fear the fear,and that leads to the symptoms returning because we are afraid of those very symptoms.However,you say you are still taking citalopram and that it has worked very well for you.I really think that the citalopram will continue to work for you and prevent you from becoming as bad as you were before.I was on it for 7 years and found it acted like a sort of 'firewall',it seemed to stop the very worst of the feelings and definitely blunted the anxiety's destructive nature.Ok it probably won't get rid of the anxiety TOTALLY but enough to begin to regain some sort of normal life.Good luck with it anyway and keep us posted,

Take care, Fishy

[happycamper]

Thanks Fishy,


citalopram will continue to work for you and prevent you from becoming as bad as you were before.I was on it for 7 years and found it acted like a sort of 'firewall',it seemed to stop the very worst of the feelings and definitely blunted the anxiety's destructive nature.

That's a very good description of how citalopram feels, it gives a sort of safety net to anxiety I think. Certainly I've never had no-where near the same severity of it since taking cit. That's a reassurance, I'll keep that on board, just maybe haven't come to terms with just how bad I actually was prior to the cit and I didn't even realise it was anxiety at the time.

Out of interest, are you still on cit? I really want to know how long I'm likely to be stuck on it for - I bet string is in the answer...?!

Clare X

[fishman65]

Hi Clare,well how long is a piece of string? :winks: lol no seriously,I was taken off it just over a year ago and put on paroxatine (seroxat here in UK,paxil in US).However,I found the citalopram was very effective for me over a period of roughly 7 years until it finally conked out.I think we do become tolerant to a degree and that's why I think it packed up on me.Of course,there are different anti-deps for different people and some will suit some people more than others.This is where the 'piece of string' analogy comes in.Having said that,the seroxat is doing a good job for me too,I certainly wouldn't want to be without it.Many people hate the idea of being stuck on a drug and in an ideal world I too would rather be taking nothing.But,I think if we went cold turkey and chucked our anti-deps in the bin,I'm pretty sure that feeling the full wrath of anxiety/panic/depression would make us realise that taking a pill every day is far more preferable to the alternative.Hope this helps.

Take care, Andy x

[Tero]

Maybe it's winter and all this darkness?

[fishman65]

Oh for sure the winter months are definitely worse for me,enviromental factors need to be considered too.

[happycamper]

Thanks so much for the replies guys.

I'm trying my hardest to train my mind to go down a logical path rather than that of anxiety as it seems to have pulled me along down for the last few months. Boy, it's hard work!

Just something that bothers me though, after reading your post Andy, I'm just confused that I lived 40 years without anti d's, 3 or 4 of those with the poxy anxiety, but surely that doesn't mean now I'm on them I'm stuck on them?? I do appreciate many people do need them for many years, but why would someone get so far, right into their late 30's, for them to suddenly go pear shaped.

Is string in the answer again...?!

Clare X

[fishman65]

Hi Clare,yes I appreciate what you're saying when you ask 'why now after all these years?'.To be honest,I find myself thinking about how I would be if I came off my meds.After all,I didn't start suffering with anxiety until I was 20 in 1985.Ok I had always been pretty shy but it was at 20 that the anxiety hit and hit big-time.By big-time I mean to the point where it starts to affect your life...both in terms of employment and socially.I struggled on for another 3 years by managing to hide it from my work colleagues but then it just became unbearable and I cracked in Feb 1989.I was then off for three years and managed to get back working again in 1992.This was followed by periods of being in work and then breaking down again.

To get back to the point,my anxiety went untreated pre 1992.It was then that I was put on prozac and diazepam,and continued to go through various anti deps until I found citalopram which was the drug for me.I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel I'm better off on some kind of anti dep than not.Of course it may turn out different for you.Possibly your anxiety may not return after stopping your meds,you won't know until you try.But for me,and in light of my own experiences,I think I'd rather stay on them than take the risk of backsliding.When the cit conked out on me at the tail end of 2008,I crashed badly.I don't want that to happen again,not just for my sake but for my wife's as well for whom I'm her carer (she has crohns disease and chronic fatigue syndrome).As I said in my last post,ideally I'd rather be on no drugs at all but in my case I'm happy to be on them.I hope I haven't rambled on too much lol.Does this help at all or is that piece of string still there? :shrug:

Take care, Andy

[happycamper]

Thanks Andy,

Yes it's helped, the string thing is just something you get when people just don't really know the answer one bit, it's one of those frustrating terms!

I get the impression you're settled with what you need to keep you ticking along? Of course that's much better than being in limbo with what you need to do to move on from just living a life of anxiety, (if you get my gist).

The 'crashing' you mentioned is the thing that worries me, not sure what that means other than having a relapse type thing? If you crash is it much harder to pick up the pieces. Is the only way of knowing by stopping the anti d's, how do you know when is a good time to give it a go?

I guess I'm in limbo!

Clare X

[Chris2000]

Hey Clare, I'm totally with you too. This time last year anxiety hit me so hard and I feared everything to the point I couldn't leave the house, I feared for my life basically! I went on Effexor around January and after a few months things picked up and I felt normal. I have struggled now and again this past month but I think that may be down to thinking too much about the possibilty of it all returning. Some days are hard but I am gradually allow the thoughts and feelings to pass so I'm not engulfed with the beast! I wish you the very best!

[pixie_x]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of the rough time you have been having. I too have recently been diagnosed with suffering from anxiety. After speaking with my doctor and my boss, alot more things seem to make sense. It's as if I always knew they were there but it took 2 people to actually make me realise it. I believe that everything happens for a reason and in my case, me suffering from anxiety was a long time coming. It was a wake up call to change the way I acted and went about doing things. I'm no longer going to be negative about anything, as I was a very negative person. But like my boss told me today, only positive things happen to positive people and I think that is why certain things in the past haven't gone the way I planned. After having bad luck with relationships I have come to realise those realtionships weren't sucessful for a reason. It was a way of telling me that those relationships whether it being boyfriends or just friends were bad for me but that doesn't mean that people are all bad. Just that I no longer need to dwell in the past. I need to look forward positively and hopefully some positive things will come my way.

Hope this helps.

-x-

[happycamper]

Thanks for the replies guys.

It's frustrating isn't it. I'm becoming increasingly intrigued in the Buddhist thinking, the psychologist I see highlighted me to it, certain things do make a lot of sense.


While psychologists stress actively challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more optimistic ones, Buddhists focus more on detaching yourself from all thoughts to create a state of stillness conducive to ultimate self-understanding, or enlightenment.


Buddhism is associated with happiness and according to Buddhist thinking, happiness and sorrow are our own responsibility – and completely within our control.


Interesting stuff, I'd be interested if anyone had any thoughts on it. But easier said than done ey... X

[Dragonsblonde]

Hey hon

I looked into the Buddist principles, personally I struggled with it as a lot of it places thought with a "Higher Power" and I am not a believer. However I know it works for a lot of people, I find that the principles of Mindfulness is based on Budddhism, just for a Western World audience.

I have a few of the books and mp3's. Also a book I found really good is (pardon the language) "F***K IT, The Ultimate Spiritual Guide". It made me laugh a lot whilst getting over some such basic principles that it is the easiest to sink in to my mind.

But am right behind you and thinking good thoughts for you xx