hi

[sassy]

hi im emma, a single mum of 4
i stumbled upon this site whilst searching for advice with how to deal with obsessive thoughts.
ive suffered panic/anxiety attacks for 13 years and just recently ive started obsessive thinking. i imagine harming my children, and altho i would never hurt them, the thoughts keep intruding and are distressing me. they are at their worse when im stressed..i have alot going on at the moment and today they are bad. i feel i constantly have to keep busy so as to keep them at bay. the minute i relax they return. sometimes i feel like im going mad.
im on anti depressents for the anxiety and was given 5mg of diazepam which im too scared to take lol
its like im in a dark tunnel with little or no light at the end.
i feel terrible and alone with these thoughts and im terrified of speaking about them because i feel so guilty. i have no idea why they are aimed at the kids..all i can think is that since my baby was born 22 months ago, he has been such hard work. he used to cry up to 15 hours a day for a year or so. he is better now. his father is dying of cancer and my father may have the same. its been a terrible year.
if there is anyone who has been where i am now, i would love to hear from you.
end of the rambling :)
em

[trac67]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends.

Try these links on thoughts see if they help at all :

Lets try to keep our thoughts in perspective (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=283)
Mind Games (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1789)
obsessive thoughts & anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3096)
Still suffering this damn "suggestive" thing.. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4288)
How to CURE yourself ! The definitive guide here.. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5357)
Its happening again ! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6094)
Things to consider for success! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6165)
[Link removed as post deleted]
Thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7187)
image projection in my mind (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7358)

Take care

Trac xx






'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[sassy]

i read all of the links and i was in tears. i have been in such a state today and other days, thinking that i was alone in such disturbing thoughts. today i even told myself that if i did get to the point where id harm the kids..id kill myself before i had the chance.
just to see im not alone is so wonderful.
i suffer extreme low self esteem and have days where i can barely look in the mirror nor hold my head up high around family. the funny thing is that altho i suffer these thoughts, i have never been able to admit them till now. ive been scared they'd take my children and put me in a mental home.
im writing alot because ive never felt able to say before now. so sorry for the rambling but thanks for those links..i'll sleep tonight :)

[trac67]

Hi Sassy,

Glad they were of some help to you, I went through all the thoughts like you are now, and my self esteem sucks big time, but hey it is something that can be resolved so never give up on it mate.

Feel free to pm me if you ever need a chat

Take care

Trac x

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[Alexandra]

Hi Emma

Welcome to the forum.

You will find lots of help & support on here.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[vernon]

Hi Emma and welcome to the site. I did meet you in the chat room last night but it was a bit quiet there, keep returning it does change from time to time. I fully relate to your thoughts I had them years ago when my children where younger and told none not even my wife. I loved and still do love my kids so much and really protect them as much as I can. But I remember the time me and wife used to walk into Town most days as we where close to town centre, We had to cross over a railway bridge and I used to walk really fast with the children in the pushchair as I used to think I was going to throw the kids over the bridge, and at night I used to think about this in bed and other horrible things and what if I do this or do that to them. I know we won’t do these things and they are only unwanted thoughts, but they where so distressing and they didn’t last long. I think it best not to fight the thoughts just tell yourself they are just thoughts and thoughts mean nothing then just keep trying to ignore them. Sorry I cant really be of anymore help , but I am sure they are just like all other anxieties, they are short lived, cos as you know with suffering long term like me the symptoms do change all the time but none of them are nice. Anyway I am sure these thoughts will die out and be replaced with different thoughts and even though the different thoughts are not nice any thoughts are better than thinking we are going to harm our kids, Take care, hope you feel better soon. Vernon

[Robertc160882]

Hi Emma

Welcome to the forum.

You will find lots of help & support on here

Robert

[sassy]

thanks vernon, its comforting to know that im not alone in those kind of thoughts. panic attacks are bad enough, they can be pretty terrifying..but the thoughts r the worst by far. like you said..anything has to be better than thoughts regarding our children.
i feel so much better since finding out last night that im not as mad as i thought, so thanks again.
this site is wonderful x

[clickaway]

Hi Em,

Lovely to have you aboard. There are some great and caring people here, and we're here for your comfort and to give you a bit of support.

Take Care,



Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Meg]

Hello Sassy

Read through some of the personal stories - thay have great insight too

Glad you liked those links - here are some more to keep you in tears of relief . lol

odd thoughts... (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5201)
Strange thoughts....Anyone else? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5294)
Silly thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5694)
strange things! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6461)
worried... (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7323)
scared and down! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7389)

Dealing with negative thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7821)

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/lounge /topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3799

Have you ever achieved freedom from your thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3184)

Mind racing? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3774)


The Battle that Rages in my Head (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4149)
struggling... (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6901)
TAKE A STAND?! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6823)


Living in my head 24/7 (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6491)
ITS ALWAYS AFTRWARDS (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=775)


obsessional negative thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3343)
what if I kill someone? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1972)
Horrible thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5280)
Morbid thoughts (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5482)
just needing some reassurance i'm not alone (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6532)
Feeling lonely (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6820)
What's happening to me? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7446)



Confused? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4187)


I'm new! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3739)
http://www.nomorepanic.org.uk/lounge/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1299
Madness (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5154)
mentally ill?! worries (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5335)
Its happening again ! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6094)
hearing voices (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7332)





Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

proactiveness, positivity, persistence, perseverance and practice = progress

[sal]

Hi Emma

I am so pleased you have found this site and we will all help you. I really feel for you as i have being through the same thing and it still is hard to think i could think like that. I was scared to be in the same room as my daughter and would not go in the kitchen in case i went to the drawer with the knifes in. You are not alone and i completely understand how you feel. I felt so alone and when i have a bad attack even though i have all the support on here it still is hard. PM me if you ever want to as i do understand i am thinking about you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[sassy]

thanks sal :) just finding this site helped. i slept like a log last night and the thoughts were easier to push away. im sure i'll have my bad days like everyone here but now i know im not alone i feel tons better.

[vernon]

Hi Sal, Yes I remember talking to you about these thoughts too.You have to have kids yourself for people to realise how bad these types of thoughts upset a parent? take care salxx

[sassy]

yes they are upsetting, not only that but they are extremely difficult to talk about. i told a friend today that i had a friend who had such thoughts (obviously meaning me) and her instant reaction was has social services been called and are those children safe with her etc. people simply dont understand them. i figure the thoughts are a way of self harm. and sal i totally understand the knife thing, when my son screams non stop, i have to avoid washing the knifes like a plague.
today i can laugh about it lol..in fact im beginning to take them less seriously :)

[jackie]

hi sassy

i hope you feel at home here. i too am a mum only of 5 kids and i know how hard it is. i have a 18 month old and a 7 month old along with twins at 3 and a 12 year old, so it is hard to get through the day with the responsibility and the obssessive thoughts.. just a thought but have you read claire weekes books. thety definitely mention nervous illness and obsessive thoughts. she individually mentions the harming baby fear which she says is quite common in people who are suffering from panic, anxiety post natal depression, etc

welcome to the site
jackie

[lildutt]

welcome hun hope you get the help u need from this lovely people i have bellxx

[sal]

Hi Sassy

They are not easy to contend with at all and i totally appreciate how you feel. So pleased you slept last night as that helps us through it. You are doing great and always remember you are not alone and these are thoughts and also remember that your post has helped me loads and i really appreciate that.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".