closure not retrbuit
12-12-10, 09:50
Hi all,
Ihope you all doing well and recovering. I have just joined this forum, I have come through it in the past along many others but I was far too anxious to write or even focus on what I have to say.
Well, where do I start!!! I am a young male in my early 30's and my life is catalogues of sad and unpleasant incidents. I have been suffering from severe depression, anxiety and eventually panic attacks. It has not been diagnosed unti llate. I always thought it is normal my normal life and Ishould carry on. Until I started having the panic attacks where they left me completely powerless.
I suffered sexual and physical abuse while I was achild, I left home to go abroad at the age of 17, I run away from the country where I went to again because family members also were there, I roomed the world looking for hiding and refuge from what I had suffered.
Shallowly thinking the issue might disappear when I change places and see new faces!!! It took 12 years of my life to understand that I should not run anymore but Ishould face the problems and resolve them.
I was refereed to the Early intervention team in the local psychiatry and hospitalization was all most necessary but supervision was more properate as the phyciatrist advised. Then I was refereed to the local CBT service. I had 21 sessions so far. Does it work? yes it does. I have come long way from where I was now I have a job, I am studying the subject I always admired, I have sorted my friends out and now I am faced with a very big decision which I urgently seek advice on from the readers. During my illness and unpropare behaviour I was desperately seeking love in any way shape orform. I used to do anything for people so they stay friend with me, giving up my personal affairs to resolve theirs, leaving work and resolve thei rproblems. This extreme behaviour was caused by lock of attention and love in my childhood and also due to the hatred Iwas always facing when Iwas a little boy. As partof all this dilemma Idecided to get married (arranged marriage) ofcourse again that’s was another attempt to seek affection and love.
I phoned my mother and she had found me a girl and went home and got married. A year later my cbt treatment was showing result and now I am left with the fact that my marriage was part of the illness and that I have made the wrong decision. I only did it because I was scared to be alone. I am really down and don’t know what to do. Should I follow my head and make a decision to leave my partner and this decision is part of my life changes or should I follow my heart who says she had nothing to do with it and I should not hurt her!!! If I do not make that decision then the jigsaw to complete my treatment I feel is uncompleted and if I take it it's going to hurt someone. Where do I go from here please advice me.
I HOPE THIS IS MUCH BETTER AT LEAST IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE TO READ
Ihope you all doing well and recovering. I have just joined this forum, I have come through it in the past along many others but I was far too anxious to write or even focus on what I have to say.
Well, where do I start!!! I am a young male in my early 30's and my life is catalogues of sad and unpleasant incidents. I have been suffering from severe depression, anxiety and eventually panic attacks. It has not been diagnosed unti llate. I always thought it is normal my normal life and Ishould carry on. Until I started having the panic attacks where they left me completely powerless.
I suffered sexual and physical abuse while I was achild, I left home to go abroad at the age of 17, I run away from the country where I went to again because family members also were there, I roomed the world looking for hiding and refuge from what I had suffered.
Shallowly thinking the issue might disappear when I change places and see new faces!!! It took 12 years of my life to understand that I should not run anymore but Ishould face the problems and resolve them.
I was refereed to the Early intervention team in the local psychiatry and hospitalization was all most necessary but supervision was more properate as the phyciatrist advised. Then I was refereed to the local CBT service. I had 21 sessions so far. Does it work? yes it does. I have come long way from where I was now I have a job, I am studying the subject I always admired, I have sorted my friends out and now I am faced with a very big decision which I urgently seek advice on from the readers. During my illness and unpropare behaviour I was desperately seeking love in any way shape orform. I used to do anything for people so they stay friend with me, giving up my personal affairs to resolve theirs, leaving work and resolve thei rproblems. This extreme behaviour was caused by lock of attention and love in my childhood and also due to the hatred Iwas always facing when Iwas a little boy. As partof all this dilemma Idecided to get married (arranged marriage) ofcourse again that’s was another attempt to seek affection and love.
I phoned my mother and she had found me a girl and went home and got married. A year later my cbt treatment was showing result and now I am left with the fact that my marriage was part of the illness and that I have made the wrong decision. I only did it because I was scared to be alone. I am really down and don’t know what to do. Should I follow my head and make a decision to leave my partner and this decision is part of my life changes or should I follow my heart who says she had nothing to do with it and I should not hurt her!!! If I do not make that decision then the jigsaw to complete my treatment I feel is uncompleted and if I take it it's going to hurt someone. Where do I go from here please advice me.
I HOPE THIS IS MUCH BETTER AT LEAST IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE TO READ