Fear of cancer!

[Douglas]

Hello, my name is Doug, and I am 45 years old. I just lost my wife to cancer back in July of this year. I was her main support person for five years as she fought this horrible disease.

During those five years, I would occasionally worry that I too was getting cancer. I would get a pain, or odd feeling and wonder if it was cancer. I was pretty busy with her and life in general, so I didn't really dwell on it.

After my wife died, I was pretty busy for a few months getting all my ducks in a row. Way in the back of my mind, I was fearing the time when the smoke would clear, and I would have some idle time on my hands. Well, that time is now unfortunately.

A few months before my wife died, I had found a small bump next to my tonsil. I'm not sure if it had always been there because I never really paid attention. The only reason I found it was because I was looking at one of my teeth with a flash light.

Anyway, I forgot all about it because I was pretty busy taking care of my wife. And then of course I was extremely busy for a few months after she passed. Eventually, I remembered the bump in my throat down by my tonsil. I started researching it online, and of course all I came up with was throat cancer. I've never been a smoker, but I have occasionally drank alcoholic beverages over the years. This is one of the causes of throat cancer.

So, after a week or so of worrying about it, I went to my doctor so he could take a look. He used a flash light and looked at it, and said "That is not cancer, it will never be cancer, and you need to stop reading stuff on the internet".

After the doctor visit, I was really happy for a week or so. Then my mind started going to work on me. I started thinking what if my doctor was wrong? After all, how can any doctor be sure unless they did a biopsy? How can they tell by just looking?

So, I am constantly looking at this bump in my throat. Some days I convince myself it's growing, and other days it looks exactly the same as when I fist saw it. I also have myself convinced that I have some symptoms. I'm constantly feeling my throat to see if I can feel anything. Sometimes I even pull my car over to look at this bump in the rear view mirror.

I feel like it's gotten out of control and is consuming my life. I am now a single parent of a 13 year old, and I need to have a positive attitude for his sake. I can't have him thinking that there's stuff to worry about. It's bad enough he lost his mom....I don't need him worrying about me. I don't say or do anything in front of him, but kids are smart and can read into your attitude.

I have gotten to the point where I feel like everyone on the planet is just walking around and waiting for their turn to get some disease and die. I know this is not healthy, and I need to fix it. I feel like even if a doctor tells me that I'm fine, I will just turn around and find something wrong anyway. My wife NEVER did anything to jeopardize her health. She had never done drugs, never smoked, didn't drink, ate healthy, yet she got cancer and died. That's the scary part. It seems like if she got cancer, then anyone can and will.

Any suggestions?

Thanks!

[I_worry_2]

Hi, new here.
What you describe..... down to pulling over to use the rearview mirror.... the sunlight does give a better vantage...... anyhow....
I can relate to all of it.
I am on a path right now to making a plan. To silencing the beast in my head.
I just made a LONG and I warn you now, long post all about it here. I have suggestions there on things I plan to do to help make this happen.
to stop this obsessing, worrying.
I agree with you about the children, I fear that if I do not succeed in getting back control of my emotions, that I may send my children into a tailspin of worry as well.

anyhow, my thread is the only one I have started so, should be easy to find by clicking on my name.
good luck and try to stay positive. breathe.

[Douglas]

Thanks for the reply. I read through most of your post, and can relate to most of it. I personally feel really guilty for feeling this way, especially since my wife was so strong and positive the entire time she fought her cancer. The day she died she was being so polite, and thankful. It makes me feel really dumb for having this anxiety problem. I need to be as strong as she was.

[I_worry_2]

I can relate to all these emotions also. In my post I mention that it had been in the news recently that Jon Edwards wife had recently passed of cancer. Elizabeth Edwards, anyhow, when my anxiety set off, that was all I could think about....
cancer....
and then how brave she was. The things she was quoted as saying as she knew her life was at it's close. The guilt and shame of knowing I could never be so composed. Or at least that's how I feel. The reality is, I really have no idea how I would be until in that situation.
As humans we are very adaptable creatures. I want to think that I could deal with such a thing with grace, and manners, as you describe your loss and how your wife was.
I feel so much for you.
I am sorry for your loss, and for your son's loss. I hope you find your way through your grieving and anxiety to be able again to enjoy your life and to feel positive about your involvement in your son's life.
I do not know you but I can say without doubt, you deserve happiness and peace. And I would guess that your wife would want nothing less for you or her boy.
be patient and forgiving with yourself. You are human, and as humans we are never perfect.
You are ok. You will be ok, no matter what happens.

(now I need to go stand in mirror and say that to myself about 100 times)

[Douglas]

This bump in my throat has really been consuming alot of my time. I can't quit looking at it in the mirror, with a light, in direct sun light, etc. I know the doctor told me it was nothing to worry about, but I can't help but wonder if he was wrong. There are times that I look at it and it appears to be getting bigger. Other times I think it looks exactly the same.

I went through many medical procedures with my wife's cancer, and I know the proper way to rule out diseased tissue. I know my doctor said it was nothing, but there is no way he can be 100% sure without a biopsy. I am thinking about going back to my doctor and having him send me to an ENT doctor. I know that if I got it biopsied and it came back as nothing to worry about, then I could forget about it and move on.

I learned way too much medical procedure stuff over the years my wife was fighting cancer. There's also many stories of people who went to their doctor and was told it was nothing, then later they checked again and it was cancer.

I really dislike this fear.

[Douglas]

Ok, I went back to my doctors today, and had him look at this bump next to my tonsil again. He of course said the same thing he told me last time. That as you age, your tonsils shrink up, and that the bump is just a small piece of tonsil tissue. But, without me saying a word, he said he will send me to an ENT doctor to confirm what he is saying so I will feel better.

He also said that if it was cancerous, that it would be hard with a white sheen to it. That of course made me start looking for spots like that in my throat after the visit. And guess what??? I found a small white spot next to my other tonsil in about the same area as this bump I have been concerned about. It's more flat and small about the size of a tiny bird seed. I'm sure the doctor today would have seen that when he looked at my throat again right? And if it was concerning he would have said something??

At any rate, I will go and see the ENT doc after the new year. I'm a bit stressed about that as well.

[Douglas]

I have read so many threads where people didn't come back to tell how they made out with their doctor visits. So anyway, I just got back from the ear/nose/throat doctor. I thought he was just going to look at my throat. He ended up spraying some numbing spray down my nose and throat. He then fished a scope down my nose, and into my throat.....all the way down to my voice box. He then could see all of my throat. He said everything looked normal. He said the bump was tonsil tissue, just like my regular doctor said. Man was I relieved. It kinda scared me when he said he wanted to stick the scope down my throat. It made me think that he possibly saw something sinister when he looked through my mouth. He said their was nothing wrong with me coming in and getting a second more thorough opinion.

He said the little white bump was a normal cyst like a pimple. A plugged duct. This procedure was really what I needed to put this behind me.

[ladybird64]

Douglas I'm so glad to hear that you have had a successful visit to the doc.

Nic (NMP bosslady :D) has raised the same point as you did many times..it would be nice if people returned and told us what the outcome of their medical consultations.

many do but there are a heck of a lot who don't..a real shame.

Thanks for posting :)

[midgey]

I'm really pleased for you Douglas. I hope you manage to keep the anxiety levels down and don't find another thing to worry about. Have you thought of counselling to discuss the loss of your wife and her illness which ahs obviously had an impact on your health anxiety? Regards

[Stav_98]

Douglas that's great news. To me it goes to show if you're not happy then keep badgering them until you are.

In my experience GP's are great at telling you everything's normal, but not explaining why they've come to that conclusion. My GP is so used to me asking "why" to everything that he now provides a little detail instead of "nothing to worry about, you'll be fine".

[MusicAfrica]

Hi there Douglas

Firstly, I would like to offer my sympathy to you at the loss of your wife. My wife had breast cancer 5 1/2 years ago and managed to recover. I know just what a hell it can be, but I cannot begin to know what it must be like to lose someone.

I am so glad to have found this thread and this particular forum, as I have been struggling with exactly the same issues for 15 years. Before my wife's illness, I had had some serious health issues and she had a mild heart attack, so it is clear to me that the anxiety that perhaps was sort of "dormant" gets "activated" by an event.

Like you, I have a fear of this and the sore throat which we fear is something "sinister". My GP knows my state of mind, and he said in early December when I went to see him, that this sore throat was a typical infection which I get from allergies, aggravated by a knock I took to it whilst playing with my dogs.

Not satisfied with his explanation, I went to his locum 2 weeks later (when he was away) as it had not cleared, and he said the same thing - infection and the "lump" feeling was either anxiety or a remnant of a possible injury to my throat.

We don't trust even our most trusted doctors (I have had 3 visits to the A&E for chest pain) and several bouts of IBS which I though was colon cancer. I quit smoking 8 years ago (I am 49) and do not drink; Every ounce of common sense tells me this is simply a throat infection, perhaps a healing injury and maybe irritated by chewing gum (my only vice !!).

I don;t know if I have offered any help, but I can empathise and know that - as an impartial/unaffected outsider, what you have is not dangerous at all.

All I need to do is convince myself that this time - like every other time - is simply what the doctors say it is, and get this monkey off.

All the best

Mark

[Douglas]

Have you thought of counselling to discuss the loss of your wife and her illness which ahs obviously had an impact on your health anxiety? Regards

I did go to a grieving class that was catered to getting through the holidays after losing a loved one. I can't say it helped at all with the health anxiety issue though. I may look into something more specific to my anxiety issues.

[Douglas]

Hi there Douglas
Like you, I have a fear of this and the sore throat which we fear is something "sinister".

I think it's incredible how powerful our minds are. I was actually convincing myself that I was having symptoms. Nothing major, but I was aware of any twinge, or sensation in my throat/jaw area. They all went away after yesterdays procedure at the doctors.

I wish I could harness this mind power and only use it for good stuff.

[westofengland]

Doug, I've been there - this is classic HA stuff. I had it too I was convinced I had mouth cancer too.
Here's the thing
1) Accept the doctor's diagnosis. They are the experts and you have got a second opinion
2) Accept that although you don't have it now, you can NEVER be 100% sure you won't get it. You could. You could not. Try to get comfortable with uncertainty as there are many other areas in your life where you accept uncertainty. I can't guarantee you won't get hit by lightning or abducted by aliens. There's a chance, but it's not as high as you think - same with cancer
3) What is driving this is the fear that YOU will die too, and leave your kids on their own. I have the same thing as I too am a single parent
4) What helps you get out the house? What do you enjoy doing, what did you enjoy doing before your wife died? Tried to reconnect with that. Exercise helps.