Don't know how much more I can take - Just want to be 'me' again!

[87sal87]

:weep:Sorry guys, I just need a rant cos I don't know how much more I can take.
I've suffered from anxiety for years on & off but this last year has been terrible, I feel like it's destroyed every bit of me & ruined everything.

All I ever do is worry ALL the time, I never stop. I can't get anything wrong with me without thinking it's something serious & I'm going to die, I'm petrified of getting ill with anything because I wouldn't cope.
I'm scared of going out incase something 'bad' happens.
I've lost all my friends because I never go out & they've all just got fed up of me. I can't go anywhere or do anything without worrying that I'm gonna get hurt or everyone will be 'judging me' or 'hating me' :weep:
I'm only 23 but I feel like 63, I even look it! It's aged me so much, I look at older pictures of myself & cry because it's like looking at a different person. I feel ill all the time.

I'm always scared I'm just going to die all of a sudden, I get scared of going to sleep incase I don't wake up.
& It's not just me I worry about...I get the same fears over my family & my cat's, that something bad will happen to them or they'll get hurt. :weep:
It's constant.
I've tried counselling, I've tried meds, neiether worked, or they did for abit then it just went back to square one.

At one time, even just a few years ago, I didn't worry hardly at all. I took things as they came & got on with life without all this. I went out all the time & enjoyed myself & I saw my life as pleasant, content & normal...now that's the last thing it is.

Now I just seem to spend all day in my room, upset & worrying over the least thing & when I think I'm getting round it all, it just comes back :weep:

I'm hoping to go to Uni next year to do drama but it'll probably ruin that aswell. I've had dreams to become a comedian/actress for years now but it's just destroyed everything.
I've been trying to tell myself that I'll be ok & it won't be like this forever but then it hit's me that it will be like this for loooong time yet because I'm far from over it. I keep telling myself I'll make changes in the new year & get back to how I was, but I know I won't & that's what's killing me....

I just don't know what to do anymore...I'm sorry for going on but I just needed to get that out. I can't talk to any of my family about it cos they don't understand, they are supportive but they don't really 'get it' - I put a brave face on most of the time & that in itself is becoming exhausting, I'm sick of having to tell him 'I'm alright!' because I'm not alright, I'm far from alright... :(

[mininikki]

Sal, You're not alone.
You story sounds extremely similar to mine, I too worry all the time about all the things you do and more!
I worry that I'm 'going mental' all the time, I'm currently awaiting CBT, have you tired it? Might be worth talking to your dr about it if not.
Hang in there, WE CAN BEAT THIS!

PM me if you ever want to talk x

[87sal87]

Thanks alot Nikki *big hugs*
It's all been getting on top of me lately more than usual & I just felt like breaking down yesterday. :(
I just wish I could press a button & become the old me again, but it's not going to be that easy.
I haven't tried CBT, I've had normal counselling but it didn't really help much. I'll probably mention it to the doctor next time.

I always think I could be hit by a bus tomorrow & I'm wasting the prime years of life worrying about everything & anything...& I want to do soooo much, so many plans, it scares me that I'll never get to do any of it
:weep:

[jaspar]

I tried CBT and helped me a lot. You have to work at it and practice which isn't easy when your brain is so tired and you can't think straight but it will be worthwhile.


If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the good side.

[Sweetpea6]

Sal,

Sorry you're feeling like this- my thoughts are with you.

If it's any help, I left school halfway through 6th form due to having such bad anxiety, and felt so hopeless for such a long time. I thought I'd lost every chance of going to uni and doing the things I really wanted to do. That was this time last year. I actually thought I'd never get better.

Now, I'm finishing off my A Levels at home, I work in a primary school, have my old social life back and am applying to uni- this time last year I hardly left the house.

I never thought I'd feel normal again, but now I feel 'normal' most of the time! It happened through a combination of counselling, CBT, medication, support of family and friends, and I believe God helping me too.

So if you feel like there's no hope- there is. If you feel like you'll never get better- you will. My advice is not to even think about uni at the moment- it's just an added pressure. Focus on now. Start with really small targets to build your confidence and work your way up from there. It's such a struggle, I really feel for you, but don't give up, you'll get there :)

Keep trying X

[87sal87]

Thanks guys,
That was very inspiring advice Sweetpea! I only hope I can be that strong. I certainly don't feel it at the moment. In fact, I don't even see the point of opening my eyes in a morning at the moment :weep:

I've tried so hard to get 'over it' this past year but I just seem back to square one & exactly the same as I was this time last year :(
Just as I think I'm making progress, something comes along & ruins it.

But thank you, I know I just need to be positive, it just get's so difficult...
Hopefully I'll make some improvement next year...

[abs]

Hello lovely, this sounds EXACTLY like me, I'm only 22 and I just spend my time worrying, thinking I'm going to die, feeling though "something is going to happen", staying in, watching films, scared of the outside world, I know exactly how you feel. Next time your upset, i'll be right there with you, just in a bedroom somewhere else in the country :) xxx Let's turn this sh*t into a diamond

[Sweetpea6]

Hey Sal,

It's ok if you're feeling weak- just work with it. Facing your fears is strong in itself X

[Nigel]

Hi Sal,

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this at the moment. The thing with worry is that that it leads to feeling anxious. Feeling anxious starts to engage fear, and fear keeps the mind locked onto the object of that fear. Fear is all about keeping us safe from harm, so it’s best not to take our eye off it.

Most of the things you appear to be worrying about are just thoughts, not real situations, but because they trigger fear, the mind will stay locked onto them. It becomes a vicious circle. They’re also thoughts that cannot be resolved, hence they just keep spiralling round and round.

Perhaps it would help to make a list of everything that you’ve been worrying about. It helps to see things written down as opposed to just going round in the mind. Then arrange those thoughts into two new lists. One will be the things you can do something about or plan for now, and the other for the things that are just too vague or far away to plan for.

The trick is to take full control of the things you can control, because that feels empowering, then trust the rest to fate for now. That’s doesn’t mean totally ignoring them. They’re still important issues to you, and trying to deny them will only make them come back and grab your attention again. It’s a bit like a messenger carrying some vital piece of information that must be delivered.

The thing is to reassure yourself that you’ve received the message but there’s nothing that can be realistically done about it at this time. There simply isn’t enough information available to plan for it. When you reassure yourself that the situation is under control and that you’ll reconsider it again if you have any new and relevant info, those nagging thoughts often subside.

“I've been trying to tell myself that I'll be ok & it won't be like this forever but then it hit's me that it will be like this for loooong time yet because I'm far from over it.”

It doesn’t have to take forever. It’s amazing how quickly changes can happen when the whole mind gets behind a new idea. I hope she doesn’t mind me mentioning her, but have a read of the recent posts by ‘allergyphobia’. A few weeks ago she had terrible food phobias, then something clicked. In a few short weeks she’s eaten many different foods, eaten at work, in pubs, a work’s Christmas meal out... she’s been amazing! It doesn’t have to take forever.

Take care :)
Nigel

[allergyphobia]

Nigel you terror! :winks:

:blush:xxx

[Nigel]

Hope you didn’t mind :blush:
You’re just such an inspiration :yahoo:

[allergyphobia]

hehe of course not, but i might not be able to get through my front door tonight with this big ole head of mine!!

:hugs:

[Applecider]

Sal,

Wow you sound so much like me. I stay in watch films all the time scared of eating a prawn that will kill people that people are going to do dirty things to my food. Just know your not alone! People ask me am I alright and to be honest im not but I gotta get on with it.... the only reason I do is because of all the people around me. The last person I wana hurt is my mum, boyfriend and close family. If I carried on the way I was I would have been in a mental ayslum or worse... and that would hurt them alot more that me.

My advice to you (and possibly its not the best because im only starting to recover) is to accept the fact you have anxiety no meds or quick fixes will work. FACT. They may help physical symptoms but not the mental.

Your mind is so tired from worry fear panic that it needs to rest and I found the best thing to do was to start living again! Its not easy and sometimes im sitting there with my friends and family and I feel like im not really there or that I wana be sick. But the more and more I did it the better I started feeling.

I didnt psh thoughts away I just left them there chattering away and gt on with things, taking it day by day and NOT LOOKING into the future. Believe me thats the worst thing I found you can do and dont get me started on googling things!!!!!!!!!!! I hate google lol.

anyway feel free to PM for some chats and maybe we can help each other thru this but remember one thing, you have to want to get better. lots of hugs cause I know how u feel xx