I can't go to work today..I just can't cope..help [Archive]

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phil06

15-12-10, 13:49

Basically my parents are on holiday and today I was due to go to work which involved 1 bus and change to another bus to get to work and stop for some lunch before the second bus. I left the house moderately anxious not too bad..got on the bus the adrenaline just rocketed...felt very unreal and not in control of me..like I felt I barely knew what day it was or why I was here.

So my gut instinct says it's anxiety..stay in the situation like my old therapist a few years back said so I stood in the town hoping it would pass...bus journey was 20 mins + 10 mins standing and it never went..so I said "No I can't go to work today" and my head says I barely know what's going on..obviously this is up at the top of the tree on adrenaline/going mad levels. I mean each day I can barely get through a day and all I think is I can't cope..just can't..much of my physical symptoms have eased, most of the time I felt I was starting to feel better but then this creeps up..I want to refer back to a post I made in July: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=74870 I was uptown...mind went into meld down I came home felt better.

Now usually works been a way of taking my mind off it..BAD news..recently at work even going to the toilet has not been enough to calm me down..I've had a few shifts were I was *very* close to saying I need to go home I don't feel well...apart from the weather this week this will be my first day off especially due to anxiety..

I describe it as a breakdown in function because I feel very afraid I'll forget what a bus is, what a key is to get in the door, How I'll manage home ect..this is creating this mental block and adrenaline and I genuinely feel that's it..I'm crazy however coming home now has helped...it relieves it..what I feel made me come home was I usually get a lift by car and I'm use to that routine so I have this major issue in my life where I won't do buses unless I'm coming home from work..to go out socially is a nightmare...there's time's I've had to get a taxi instead..due to this feeling.

Now the feeling can come on anytime...sometimes I can grit it out, and the odd time it gets too much like today..positive maybe it's just the odd time I can't cope? I can't get my head round WHY this is happening? I don't know if I can say it's extreme anxiety or if it's early signs I'm heading for a breakdown (total loss of my mind)..and I duno coming home made me feel safe..but I will feel guilty later, really bad for not going into work.

I felt some anxiety was easing in places then this..I have issues if I really can't cope..I don't mean that light heartedly I mean if all gets too much and I just can't go out, work, do anything..that's the worry. Where will all this go? It's been at it's worst for about 7 months with maybe 5 or 6 really awful moments where I can't cope. I feel really annoyed as there's been times I've went out and been fine and next day I'm as bad as ever..and I really want a life back..

But I can't stress anymore a nervous breakdown/going crazy all that terminology on here I am bricking it that I will lose it, now..tomorrow, next time I feel this worry..I feel this is it..I've gone mad. Now here's another thing I actually text somebody all the time when I get this way as an act of desperation to get my mind off it. I carry the Symptoms page on here with me on my phone when I go out too..but sometimes when I get bad I can't focus to read....

The physical symptoms I've had today with that symptom were just a few:

Tinging head, tense, sore.
Eyes felt blurry and weird.

That was it really nothing major. Obviously I'm worried incase I lose my job if more of these days come, or if this was enough to annoy them. I duno what I want to do with my life..I know that how I feel like this is not something I want to deal with..I'm rarely relaxed..my own downfall this week I've not really had time to plug some headphones in for a relaxation tape.

I think today was too much..I had to go for something to eat, I had to get a few buses which scared me..I could have forced myself but a mental block stopped me..because I felt "No I can't do it"...and if anybody asks I'm on Propranolol and I'm seeing a counsellor had two sessions but she says it takes six and there's been some improvement not seen her in a few weeks due to weather. Don't really want to go on Anti D's either.

I duno why I'm posting really because it's just silly..but maybe somebody can understand..I can't carry on like this..maybe my question is like is this some form of breakdown? Is it just high anxiety?..and exactly what could I have done to have went to work today? What did I do wrong?..has anybody else had this? To me it's serious..I can't lead a normal life..:blush:

jaspar

15-12-10, 16:41

You sound so desperate and in such a high anxiety state. If you copy what you have written and take it to your doctor they will see that you are really not coping with life at the moment. Don't be totally opposed to anti depressants, they do help when used in the correct way. They take some time to work but you can't carry on the way you are at the moment.
Talking about your feelings really helps too and visiting this site. Anxiety affects such a lot of people.
I have been in that place before and each day is a struggle but you will get there and it will make you a stronger person in the end and also a more compassionate person. You are not a weak person it takes strength to go through every day feeling so anxious.

pixie_x

15-12-10, 16:55

You are not alone. From what you have described it sounds like anxiety but to get a proper diagnosis, I suggest going to see a doctor, as it sounds like there could be other problems beside that. The sooner you see a doctor, the sooner you can get yourself back on track again.

Hope this helps.

-x-

phil06

15-12-10, 17:16

Thanks..well I've been fine since staying at home but it's more when I'm out I feel REALLY weird and everything around me seems sooo weird and unreal and crazy..I've been told countless time's that's Depersonalization but it's that strong a feeling it scares me..I'm at a train station and it's so hard to describe I feel surreal in me like I'm not part of it..that makes me worry I'm crazy. There's no doubt at home when I'm not having panic I feel alot more relaxed.

I'm quite orderly where:

If I get a bus myself..I'm able to push myself...
To go with somebody I'd not do it as I'd fear going crazy
I won't travel to my local town or the one next to me..under any circumstances right now.
I can't face the shops..but I work in one..
I won't consider going on a plane right now.
Cinema is hit or miss how I feel.
Nights out - same as above.
Walking places - Bit of a no go most of the time as I fear exhaustion, passing out, going mad, dying from cold...ect..
One reason I did give up and cancel my 5th try at my driving test was I felt my concentration on the road was not as good due to anxiety...

So it's quite complicated right now in my head..I can do stuff, but very orderly...if I'm not doing it alot..I fear it..

How on earth can I get over this? ...Basically I see outside as a danger..and the danger is incase I go crazy...or lose my mind when out. :ohmy: Other than "You don't know if you go mad, others notice" how likely is it your mind will suddenly go or lose control of reality? Does alot of this pressure not make it go mad? The fear for me is I won't be in control of my mind, I won't function, send signals to parts of the body ect..crazy as it sounds...I've spent lots of time worrying. I feel I duno who I am anymore...look at myself in the mirror as a stranger if that's not going mad I duno what is..I googled a nervous breakdown and I get disorientation and I felt like my body would not move..so maybe I have some symptoms of going mad?

phil06

16-12-10, 13:33

Anybody know where I'm coming from? I've woke up feeling mad again today..yet there's no real reason why? :shrug:

blueangel

16-12-10, 13:42

phil06

16-12-10, 13:53

Hi Phil

Is there any way you can get in to see your GP over the next few days? I agree with Jaspar, you need to print out what you've written down here and take it to him/her to help you explain how you feeling. It sounds to me as though you're in a really high state of anxiety and you need some help with it.

My only option is Anti d's which I don't want.

Last few times I went they just gave me self help sheets..kind of relives me for a bit until I worry again.

I am doing a bit more self help to get myself back on track. I think yesterday was one of those really bad days as I've been improving other days.

I just have this major fear of breaking down..just seems like a massive weight on my mind. :huh:

eternally optimistic

16-12-10, 19:04

Dragonsblonde

16-12-10, 20:07

Can I ask if anyone with this issue on here has tried the Claire Weeks books or CD's? Whilst I am actually happier outside than in I do know that she does do some very interesting work in what amounts to some agoraphobic tendancies??

As she says 'a journey made with panic is as succesful as one made without it' and the very fact that you can have no panic whilst travelling one day sets you up to feel panic the next time as you are almost watching for the panic to come back.

Not my area of expertise, but I know her work on this has helped a lot of people. I hope you all feel more comfortable soon x

phil06

16-12-10, 20:08

Phil

How you doing, I didnt make work today either....

I know lots of people dont like the idea of meds, but it may just give you a bit of strength to get back on track.

Have you had any CBT.

I know what you mean about breaking down, I felt like that this morning.. I cried and it was great...

I'm seeing a counsellor..not been able to see her in a few weeks due to the snow and working. It had been helping a bit though... I also have a few CBT books.

eternally optimistic

16-12-10, 20:13

Good Phil, glad you got some counselling. keep it up, mate.

Sure it will help you through...

Carly Lou

16-12-10, 20:23

Phil.... I was in the same situation as you, i was like it for months and months, ambulance call out, thinking i was dying and had some terrible disease... along with all the symptoms you have...
i tried cbt didnt help, did the anxiety sheets and questions... last option was meds... I have been on mirtazpine for 7 weeks now... and im not joking i am almost back to my old self... back a work full time, enjoying life, appetite back, i know some feel they dont want to go on meds, meds was the last resort for me... and it has worked... it doesnt mean you are a failure...
It means you will do ANYTHING to get back to how you once were, thats what i have told myself
Chin up phil xxx

Carls xxx

phil06

16-12-10, 20:48

My immediate concern is can I cope with work? Worst case I do go to the doctors I don't want locked up or meds take a while to work anyway.

I have spent like most of today in "worry", worry my mind will just vanish or I'll go crazy..I just wish I could lose that fear as it seems terrible. I can see my counsellor next week hopefully...

I duno what it is..just the fear I can't like work, have friends that's why a breakdown scares me..but when I challenged it I suppose people would recover..the symptoms page on here describes how I feel right now. Also really silly but I feel I'll lose my identity too.

The fear of going mad aside my minds that like worried it feels blank..and I find it so hard to distract. I read doing maths, brain training stuff really helps...when I'm this high on anx distraction would need something major, relaxation is a bit hopeless only works when relaxed, exercise I guess helps, cutting caffeine too. All that helps is really doing regular stuff and trying to see this out..I felt this way before it took like a week to move onto another worry..

I just don't get it..feeling worried all day..why? I can see I'm overly worrying so why does it have the power over me? Just to add the only anti depressant I can go on is one type as I had a manic episode 5 years ago..so the doctor was quite reluctant to do it..so it would be try that one but if that never worked then yep it really would be natural stuff to help...they said a year for counselling that's why I paid for one..I just don't want to be seeing doctors all the time..

I have been better along the line so I know it can be done..but it's days/weeks like this that I feel I can't cope..if anybody gets what I mean? :huh: I just feel like staying in when it's this bad..

phil06

16-12-10, 20:50

The Fears: going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings

What you feel:

You suddenly become afraid that you might lose your mind or that you are not able to think. You may also feel that you are not able to remember things as easily as you once did. Sometimes you become afraid of having a nervous breakdown. You also may have periods of 'crazy' thoughts that frighten you, or those thoughts 'just pop up' are bothersome by the content.
You fear that what you have is terminal and nobody knows. You may also fear that the chest pains are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in your head are the result of a tumour or aneurysm. You feel that any one of the symptoms you experience are life threatening. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can't get it out of your mind.
You feel as though something extremely bad is going to happen but you are not sure what. You may also feel as though your world is coming to an end.
You may become afraid of something that you had normally thought was not fearful. It may be a sudden fear of being alone, a fear of inanimate objects moving or talking, or an unsubstantiated fear for your safety to name a few (the fear that you may hurt someone or yourself when using a household knife is common. For example: you fear that you may uncontrollably stab a child, mate or yourself when using a kitchen knife).
You may feel that now you are frightened or have fearful feelings about almost everything, even things that have no real reason to feel that way do. Even small challenges well up fear in you, and seem difficult or destined to doom or failure.
What causes this:

An over stimulated nervous system can alter our feelings, impressions, thoughts and sensations involuntarily (by itself), because it is so interconnected with the brain. In addition, high stress biology produces increased feelings of fear and anxiety as a side effect. When you couple these heightened levels of fear and anxiety with randomly altered moods and thoughts, it becomes clear how these distressing and bizarre thoughts can seem so frightening, confusing and real. Simply stated, when the brain and nervous system are stressed, they can play tricks on your perceptions.
When these symptoms first appear, they often shake the individual's composure. Further episodes can erode their confidence leading the individual to question their sanity and stability. With the growing apprehension and concern over their questionable mental state, added anxiety increases the already high levels of stress biology which in turn produces more fear and more anxious thinking. If left unaddressed, these symptoms and the concern about them can become entrenched.
In this situation, it is important to remember that both the increased fear AND irrational thoughts are symptoms of an over stimulated nervous system. Despite how real these feelings may seem, they are false impressions caused by high stress biology. They are not signs of serious mental illness. They are symptoms only.
To remedy this, when the symptoms appear:
Recognize that these irrational fears are caused by the over stimulated nervous system and are symptoms only, not a serious mental illness. Do your best to remain calm, since added fear only compounds the symptoms. Thought stop or thought swap to change your self talk about what you are feeling. Make sure you are giving your nervous system ample rest. Accept the fact that these symptoms will come and go until your nervous system has received sufficient rest. Remember that you have the choice on what to do with each thought that comes along. You can dismiss, change, or act on them. You do so by choice.

That totally sums up how my symptom feels.

phil06

17-12-10, 12:39

Update today:

I duno if I will mange work tomorrow..I hope I can really need motivation..

I could maybe have a date too but duno due to anxiety...I actually don't feel I'm going mad as much more of a surge "I'm going mad" in my brain all the time as a thought...

It could be a bit of depression I mean I could just lounge in my room all day..this time of year never really helps either..I mean I have gave up on my love life so that's classic depression..:huh:

I admit I feel very sorry for myself..I can see what's going on clearer today. I really have felt 2010 has been a year of knock backs and rejection..it's left me disheartened.

It's just about pulling myself together..I hate the past know it can't be changed..I guess I just fear more turmoil and hassles ahead and little positive hence why I feel I've gave up.

STEPHYUNO

17-12-10, 12:55

Hi Phil, my name is Stephen and this sounds like somethinga can relate too, not that that on its own makes it any easier, however I have been there mate and know that feeling when it creeps up and suddenly I feel likeI can't perform the most basic function.
It is much better now and you will get there too. I have come to realise that the reason it goes away when you get home is that your mind has less things to irrationally worry about, which for me was like fainting in public and witnessing or being subject to crime among other things. I only take a two milgram diazepam in the morning before I go out and it just takes the edge off, psychologically and physically.
Please do not think you are weird or anything, the mind is complex and powerful. Aside form mild sedatives you can learn to control it again and not the other way around, all the best Steph

jaspar

17-12-10, 18:10

phil06

17-12-10, 20:35

Hi again
I too can recommend Claire Weekes books. She has written several on anxiety and agrophobia and her understanding on these subject is remarkable. They are easy reading which is important when your mind is racing all over the place and she explains all the symptoms of anxiety very well. When I first started to read them I felt instant relief that my symptoms were really caused by anxiety and not just in my head. You can get them from your local library.
Please revisit your doctor. When I first started taking Anti Depressants, Citalopram, my symptoms were worse for a week or two and the doctor gave me a small dose of diazepam to take as well for a couple of weeks. This really helped the transition.
Keep posting on the forum we are all with you.
Take care.

I have heard of these books I may give them a go. I already have one on affirmations and one called CBT for dummies. I posted above why I can't take anti depressants so I'm interested in natural techniques.

I managed to get out today and into town so I'm happy about that..still feel a little crazy. I'll definitely try those books since they get mentioned alot here.

eternally optimistic

18-12-10, 15:45

Glad you got out, Phil, hang on in there.