Assertiveness and dealing with arguments?

[harasgenster]

Hi
I wasn't sure where to post this so I hope general anxiety is ok!

I just wondered if anyone had any advice on being assertive and dealing with arguments, or if they knew of any online courses I could try? (I'm not one for group therapy/classes etc).

I back down in arguments and just want everything to better again so I apologise if it's not actually my fault and then just continue feeling really miserable and angry about the original issue because I haven't been apologised to and I feel like I've been hard done by.

This happened last night. Me and boyfriend have a bit of a project together, I don't want to go too much into it because I'm paranoid someone who vaguely knows me will come on here and identify me! But it's a creative thing that I write and he helps out with on the more practical side and then it gets published.

I'm really proud of this thing I do and I brought my boyfriend into it because he's much better at the job he's doing and I didn't have time for it. The thing is, I write everything down for him and then he leaves it to the last minute (we have deadlines) and then he doesn't follow my instructions properly and leaves bits out/does something I didn't want him to etc. I don't mind him putting things in that I haven't thought of because he's really good at it. But he just doesn't read the instructions properly and forgets loads of things I've asked him to do.

I feel really gutted when an idea I've had that I thought was good doesn't go into print because he's forgotten about it and I always keep on top of him to try and help him manage his time. If I talk to him about it he always tells me I'm just stressing him out and goes off in a sulk. I told him off a bit last night because we had a deadline and he left it too late (again!) and then he missed out some bits I really, really liked.

I'm absolutely gutted that it hasn't come out as it should have because, like I say, I'm really proud of my work. But he went off in such a sulk and has been so weird with me that I apologised. He hasn't apologised to me for not following my instructions and is instead acting as if this is all my fault! He's just moaning that I seem to want him to work more than he should have to, even though I've told him he can drop out anytime!

Sorry for the long post. I just don't know how to deal with these situations. I get so angry and I can't show him how angry I am because of the consequences (him not talking to me or getting sulky or being angry with me). I don't think he's ever going to apologise anyway. I asked him to put in the things he missed tonight and I'll ask if I can make changes with the publication. But I don't think he's going to do it. I think he's just going to blame me for making his work too complicated, which will take him longer to do.

We get on in every other way except for this. We never argue, except for over this. I don't think he wants to drop out because he enjoys it really. He keeps saying that he wants to do it. But I need to find a way I can show him that I feel angry and be able to deal with him being sulky for a little while!

[Anxious_gal]

HMM by arguments you mean talking things out?
Cause some times one person gets angry then I think it's best just to walk away if they can't calm down.
the best way to win any argument is to stay calm, thats why kids are so good at it, they wind the parent up, the parent gets angry and the kids win lol.
like if you have an opinion it's fine to stick by it, you can still do so even by acknowledging the other persons point of view, thats the difference between open minded and closed minded people.
if some things not your fault you shouldn't take responsibly for it even if others are telling you other wise, cause if you back down your giving them permission to walk all over you.
some people theres just no talking to so it can be better to say your piece and then walk away.
if he's not doing it right then you should do it your self, it doesn't seem like he's taking it very seriously. I know he said he would help you out but it doesn't seem like he's actually helping much.
ok nagging at a guy is not going to work if any thing it could make him resentful and possibly passive aggressive.
if you want it done right then do it your self or find some one else to do it who can be professional about it.
he's doing the typical guy thing acting like it's not his fault, when you nag you in a way become his mother n he reverts to a child.
you could have apologized for how you acted or if you shouted, but if he's being all weird, then try to sit down and talk to him, it sounds like he didn't really want to be doing that job at all.
hes a grown man, ye should be able to sit down and talk with out him going of sulking.
if he's doesn't want to talk, i would leave him alone till he is finished sulking, no one should have to put up with that mind games.