Christmas and weddings...

[harasgenster]

Hi
I used to suffer from social anxiety really quite badly (I used to lock myself in my room when people came to the house!!!) I think of myself as just shy nowadays but sometimes it really bothers me.

I live with my boyfriend but I hardly ever see his friends because I get really nervous about being around people I don't know and I try to get out of it. I feel really bad though because my boyfriend hangs around with my friends and I know he wants me to spend more time with his.

Over Christmas, he wants me to spend Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve with him and his mates. They're going to be drinking (and I don't really drink), which somehow makes this worse. I'm dreading it a bit and don't really want to. We've invited one of my friends along for Christmas Eve which makes me feel a lot better but on New Year's Eve I might be on my own with them. I've got even more nervous about NYE because they're going for a curry and I've had to pull out of that anyway and meet them later because my stomach is too sensitive for spicy food and it makes me feel ill. I keep thinking his friends are going to think I'm weird and, for some reason, I'm scared that when I skip the meal they're going to think that's odd and not like me for it.

After that there's the wedding of two of his friends in February! Last time I was at a wedding I got so nervous around the bride and groom I didn't know what to say and I just stuttered out something really weird and then my sentences stopped making sense!

I've never tried to sort out my social anxiety or challenge it because it's not as bad as it used to be so I saw it as less of a problem than my other stuff.

Does anyone know of any coping strategies for social anxiety? I could really use some kind of technique that would help me through these events!

Thanks :)

[Groundhog]

Anxiety aside I’m not a people person anyway so I dread weddings and the such. I also get bored with people. One of my tactics, at weddings anyway, is to leave the party and go off on my own for half an hour, a sort of re-grouping. My nephew got married recently and as luck had it the reception was in a small town so every hour or so I would walk up the town and have a look in the car showroom or have a costa or window shop.

With the NYE thing why pretend, just tell them you don’t like curries (I don’t either:))and if its all the same you will meet them later so as not to spoil their fun. Be assertive don’t feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to.

[iwillgetbetter]

Hi, I know you've said you've pulled out of going for a meal but could you go but have a korma with plain rice or something? That's what I have as I don't like spicy food. I hope this doesn't sound harsh but it sounds like you're worrying about things too far ahead of time and make your mind up before thinking things through. I do this myself too but am trying to break out of the habit. ie. February is quite a long way off, so try not to think about the wedding until nearer the time, otherwise you will get more worked up about it. I know it's really difficult but the more you try and get out of socialising the worse it can get. It's good that your friend will be with you on christmas eve, by NYE you might feel a bit more familiar with your boyfriend's friends.

[harasgenster]

Hi, I know you've said you've pulled out of going for a meal but could you go but have a korma with plain rice or something?

Unfortunately I've tried this before another time and discovered I really don't like Korma! Nevermind!

Thanks for your advice. You're right, February's ages away. I'll try and calm down! :)

[midgey]

Hi,
I can understand completely how you feel. It's easier said than done to not worry in advance of an event. I have been worrying for months about xmas. I do love this time of year but my stress levels are always high and with social anxiety I dread having to be in a room with people.....even my own extended family !!
I sometimes think I'd be better if everything was dropped on me at the last minute so I wouldn't have time to worry.
I have read quite a few books that I have found helped....Power over panic, no more panic and anxiety and CBT helps. Put yourself in a situation before the wedding which is on a smaller scale. Practice deep breathing and truth statements " I can get through this", and when you have achieved the smaller event claim it by looking in the mirror and say "YES"......sounds mad but it really helps......positivity helps the negative feelings...
Hope this helps x

[fairyclairy]

You've just described me... I never thought i suffered from social anxiety but after the last few weeks, i think i do!

I had to go to a 1st birthday party yesterday and i was a mess, i mananged to smile myself through it but i felt so ill and anxious, i couldnt wait to get out! It was so busy and hot and full of people and noise...

I then had to go to a wedding reception after my tea with my boyfriend (it was one of his friends getting married and like you, he always wants me to socialise with him and his friends but i dont drink either and i find it soooo hard) anyway, id already said i wasnt going to stay late lastnight because i had work this morning which is another thing i struggle with but when i said i was leaving he went in a complete mood and we had a huge argument in the car on the way home - he says he cant handle it and just wants to be able to socialise as a couple and he sees everyone else having fun and he feels hard done by because for us its such a struggle... i hated every minute of the wedding reception, i was in a complete panic, i didnt know anyone so i didnt have any friends to talk too and get my mind off things and it just went from bad to worse with this argument - i feel so incredibly guilty that i have these panic attacks and anxieties that he struggles to deal with and i would give anything to feel normal and be able to go out and socialise without a problem...

I just thought my feelings were normal about going out with other people and i just put it down to my phobia (vomit phobia) and panic attacks but i think i suffer from social anxiety too.... its horrible!

We've got new years eve tomorrow too - im going out with him and his friends too which im dreading because the pressure is on that i have to stay out past midnight to see in the new year and il feel added pressure bcos i wont want to upset him again by leaving early...... i hope you get through tomorrow night, atleast you know you're not alone :hugs: x

[harasgenster]

Hi fairyclairy
I'm not quite as strong as you, I'm afraid, I got so upset after Christmas Eve (just felt like everything had gone wrong) I couldn't cope with New Years Eve. I've told my boyfriend I'm not going. He was upset but understood. He knows how anxious I get and I explained it's just too much of a big step. It turned out it was a house party we were going to (my worst nightmare!) and then we were going to have to sleep over. That's an entire evening, night and morning. I don't think I can take such a massive leap just yet!

Have you tried explaining to your boyfriend? What I've decided to do, and what I've told my bf, is to go to small things (I went for a meal with his family today) and then build up to things like house parties where people are going to be drunk and might be loud and be more persistent in speaking to me!

Also, could your boyfriend not socialise without you sometimes? Surely he doesn't have to go when you go all the time. I would try and make a compromise and promise you'll learn how to socialise more. I'm going to try graded exposure (which is sort of what I described of doing small things then building up).

You can also try jumping in the deep end. Before I was just shy like I am now (although I guess the fact I'm avoiding things makes it social anxiety, I don't know) I was very phobic of socialising and it really took over my life. Eventually (after a couple of years) I got sick of it, took a deep breath, and went over to a group of people that were in one of my classes at uni and joined their conversation. At that point I didn't like going shopping in case the cashier said anything to me so this was a big deal! What I found was that nothing horrible happened and because I'd taken a big leap, all of the smaller things that used to scare me seemed trivial.

Hope any of this helped.

[fairyclairy]

I really wish i could do the same - im dreading tonight, im sat in work now and iv already had about 3 panic attacks, just feel like curling up and shutting myself off from the world.

My bf has been very supportive over the years (been together 5 years) but i think hes just getting pissed off when he see's his friends and their gfs socialising together, having a drink etc and i struggle to do that so we're always on edge..
He does alot of socialising without me... his nights out drinking are always without me because i cant stand being with him when hes drunk because hes a horrible and nasty drunk - which is why the added pressure is on tonight because i know how drunk he'l get.

I ended it a few months ago because i said i didnt want to drag him down with it all and have him put up with my panic attacks etc but he said he can handle them and wanted to be with me....... so i dont know what else to do! If i end it, he'll say he can handle it but if we stay together, he gets pissed off.

The last few times we've gone out and socialised together have been fine and iv been the last one to leave etc and was improving, but one bad night and he gets in such a mood and the bad night was only bad because i had so much going on that day (work, a 1st birthday party, wedding reception and a good friend of ours was critically ill in hosp - that was all in one day so no wonder i was struggled by the time the wedding reception came around)

I just dont think he gets it and he makes me feel so incredibly guilty if i cant handle situations which makes going out the next time so much worse x