grieving

[westofengland]

So two years ago my wife died of breast cancer aged 46, after a diagnosis three years ago.
In September I learned my mum, who has been complaining of tummy problems, has bowel cancer that has spread to the liver
My girlfriend has just left me as I kept pushing her away (my anxiety didn't help) and I miss her terribly

I NEED to grieve all these things. When I am obsessively Googling and in HA mode, I am not thinking about this stuff

I am a single dad with three kids and a demanding job, which I am very good at, but my self esteem is on the floor sometimes
Sometimes I hate myself I am so guilty about not being a better husband to my wife, and splitting up with my gf. I miss her so much.

But I have to believe that I am fundamentally a good person who can learn from my mistakes. I really want to be a better person and a better dad for my kids

I suppose what I am saying is, for anyone who is suffering from HA, it might be about the other things happening in your life. For a long time I didn't THINK I was under stress, now I realise how much stress is causing my problems. Or rather, how I respond to stress and anxiety

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi westofengland,

Sorry to hear your going through such a rough time, I hope things get better for you. I dont think you were a bad husband to your wife, you did your best and that's all any man can do is there best. Dont give yourself a hard time, it takes a lot of work bringing up children on your own. that takes a lot of strength.

You have done well.

I hope you feel better soon. keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.

sending you lots of hugs

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Yvonne

[westofengland]

thanks so much. It feels like the end of the world and this stupid stupid snow means I can't even go for a run
Things HAVE to get better but I am hopefully wise enough to know that I have to get out there in the new year and start living again

[Douglas]

You and I have alot in common. I lost my wife of 20 years last July to cancer.....she was also 46. I was her main support person for the five years that she fought her disease. The whole experience traumatized me, and I am suffering from HA because of it.

What is so worrisome is that my wife was the perfect picture of health. She never once did drugs of any kind, didn't smoke, didn't drink, yet she got cancer. It's proof that anyone can get sick no matter how hard you work at staying healthy.

I don't worry too much about weather I was a good husband to her. Her disease brought us extremely close, and we got to where we didn't sweat the small stuff like we did in the past.

I too am a single dad with a 13 year old son. He is such a good kid, and has handled the death of his mom much better than I thought. I'm grateful for that.

Good luck with your HA......I wish you the best.

[gaaron]

:hugs:xx

[debs71]

So sorry you are having a very difficult time, westofengland.

My heart goes out to you.

Sending you best wishes.xxxxxx:bighug1:

[Neo]

West,

My word, you're having a rough time. No wonder your anxiety is through the roof.

I lost my mum in October to bowel/liver cancer and am not over it yet. I can't believe what's happened these past two months. I'm sure things will get better.

The same will happen for you. You must take baby steps, every day just as it comes and look after yourself well. Hopefully you'll have some time off in the next couple of weeks to spend with family. I hope you have helpers rallying round.

Keep in touch, and let us know how you're getting on. xxx

Best wishes and a Merry Christmas.

[paula lynne]

Being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I totally admire you. x
Please accept my sincere sympathy regarding your wife, and your mums recent diagnosis, I too have been going through similar situations recently, its hard.
You can have lots of hugs from me, as I dont know what else to say at the moment, except, keep going, hang in there.:hugs::hugs:

[eternally optimistic]

Hi westofengland,

Am sorry to hear of your grief at this time of year.

I think all your reactions and emotions all sound very normal and you need a shoulder to cry on, maybe.

You've had a hard time, by the sounds of it, and I truly wish you and your children a good future.

Take care and use this website to bend some of our ears, if necessary.

[JaneC]

:hugs: WestofEngland, I think this time of years makes things even harder for people who are grieving, because of the focus it brings. Paula's right, you just have to keep going and wait for better times - and it's even more difficult when you have children to be there for - having three can be very demanding at the best of times. I wish you well x

[westofengland]

thanks everyone. I sometimes sound a bit glib and know it all (I am a pro writer so can always fire off a smart answer) but I am in a lot of pain and guilt. Much is self inflicted so I am trying to learn from my experiences.

What would I rather have
a) 30 years of HA, stress and damaged relationships with my family. Then I get cancer and die (a real possibility as I will be 77)

b) I deal with my HA, accept uncertainty, live a full life as I can, but then get cancer and die anyway in 30 years

Option b sounds like a better option, I think!

[Going home]

Really sorry to hear about you losing your wife and to be told about your mum just recently, that must be hard. You have to go through the grief and that's a personal thing...there's no time limit on it. Can I ask when you met your girlfriend? I mean how soon after you lost your wife? Perhaps she wasn't the right person for you deep down, even though you say you miss her. When you say she is not in your life because you pushed her away...do you mean you told her to go away or that she just didn't understand your grief? Because 2 years isn't really a long time since losing your wife, it depends on the individual...some people seem to recover quickly and others need more time. I also think most people who lose someone close to them feel terrible guilt after they've died. I felt it when I lost my dad...could I have been a better daughter etc, but the truth is that when he was alive he wasn't the best dad, but I still felt guilty as hell after he died, but I know I was the best daughter I could have been in the circumstances of our lives and we're not all perfect....we're not meant to be.

I'm so sorry you're suffering, try to be a bit kinder to yourself and take one day at a time, think about what you and the children need one day at a time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Keep posting and sharing.

Anna xx

[HazG]

I lost my mum this year to bowel /liver cancer :weep: and i can tell you my year has been awful i have never been so ill i have evry illness under the sun ! so know how you are feeling.

What are the y going to do for your mum ? :hugs: