How to turn down a family New Years Eve?

[debs71]

Hi Friends,

Well, I am living with my parents at present and I feel a little trapped at the best of times- though I appreciate and love my parents dearly - but I am really feeling a bit pressured with New Year coming up.

The thing is, last year I was in Spain for New Year, which was not the usual for me, as I normally spend a quiet one at home with my parents and sister who comes 'round, but I just fancied getting away to spend time with my friend, her little girl and my boyfriend who lives there for a change. My parents and sister meanwhile spent NY with our extended family - my Auntie and Uncle, their kids with partners and their grandchildren. They spent NY Eve at their house and then went out for a meal NY Day.

Anyway, this year my parents suddenly announced they intend to do it again this year, and expect me to go too.....

I REALLY do not want to do this at all. I had it set in my mind to have a quiet NY at home as normal after last years busy one. It has only been a few months since my panic attacks/ social anxiety returned and I am only now feeling better, and I just don't think I can face a big family do.

The trouble is, when I mentioned this to my Mum she said 'well you went away last year without a problem' and doesn't understand my reasons, and just sees it as a snub and that I will offend my family.

I love my family very much, but I also need my own space, and sometimes feel overwhelmed by the noise, questions that I get from them, and the hectic nature of it all.

I just would love some thoughts and advice about this? Am I being unreasonable?:unsure:

[Pcdaft]

no you are not dont be silly somethi g happened to me last year at this time and this year i have not been to any partys or dos or that this year had a few invites ?ust try and make her understand how you feel ? if you dont want to go then you dont need to go i know how you feel thats how i felt whe all the xmas party invitations started comming in ? go with your gut feeling ? what med are you taking for panic attacs?xx:hugs:

[debs71]

Hi panic52...I'm on Cipralex 10mg a day, so only a low dose, but it has helped me so much. It is just I would like a quieter Xmas and New Year this year as it has been a pig of a few months and I just can't face the whole smiling whilst gritting my teeth thing, you know what I mean?:weep:

[Pcdaft]

Hi panic52...I'm on Cipralex 10mg a day, so only a low dose, but it has helped me so much. It is just I would like a quieter Xmas and New Year this year as it has been a pig of a few months and I just can't face the whole smiling whilst gritting my teeth thing, you know what I mean?:weep:
yes i know how you feel i was on cipralex 6 years ago? i went on them 2 weeks ago but i had to come off them as i tookan alergic reaction to amoxicillion and diclofenex so i never ent back on them only had 2 thoi was only on 5mg?and they helped me i hope you feel better soon:hugs: xx the side effects are quit bad tho?xx

[Del1970]

I do think your mum should respect your wishes too and not put any pressure on you whilst your feeling anxious Debs, I hope she cuts you some slack and lets you have your quiet New Year, i'd try talking it over with her again in a few days if I was you.

All the best
xx

[Kells81]

Hi Debs

Have you explained to your mum the reasons why you just want to stay and have a quiet night at home? I am sure she wont object if she understood the reasons why.

You are not being unreasonable at all, I refuse to go to big family things at the moment. I just know I will be in a right state and totally hate it and I think that I deserve a bit of a break over the xmas holiday.

Dont feel guilty about saying no to your mum, you are not doing it because you are selfish.

I hope you manage to sort it out xx

[Anxious_gal]

sometimes family think they can talk you into wanting to go.

[debs71]

Thanks everybody so much for your kind replies.

I do feel very pressured by my parents when things like this crop up. They make me feel guilty for not wanting to go, and I become paranoid that my family think I'm either antisocial or a basket case. I just don't think they understand about anxiety at all which makes it hard for me to get across to them my feelings. My sister also chastises me when I don't want to go to family do's as being rude.

On one hand I also think that why should I explain myself at all? I am a 39 yr old woman and were I not living at home I would be making decisions more independently than I do living at home where I just feel the pressure to conform.

It is so hard to be understood sometimes with these conditions.

Thanks all so much again. Your support means the world to me.xx

[paula lynne]

Hiya Debs x
I think as a grown woman, you should be able to decide where you spend New Year. Is there a compromise you can come to with your parents?
Anyway, with the snow etc set to continue well into January,(Met Office, 18th Dec), will you be able to get a flight? Dont know how the weather is with you, but its pretty bad everywhere at the moment. I hope things work out for you, and you do what you want in the end. Gosh, I feel the same as you, trying to spread myself thin to please everybody...it wears me out! This year Ive told everybody Im staying at home, and if they want to visit, they are welcome. You cant please all the people all the time it seems love. x
Hope you are well, love and hugs, P x

[debs71]

Hey Paula.....I hope you are ok too hun.xxx

You are right....I always feel guilty when I don't do what others want me to, and then the other side say 'can I not do my own thing as an adult please'?? I think it is also that thing of going along with their plans because I don't want my family thinking I am off on one of my mental health problems again. I already feel like the black sheep with my history.

I think I will have another word with my Mum about things as suggested.

Thanks and love to you and all.xxx:hugs:

[debs71]

Hi again....

Well I broached the subject again with my Mum that I really did not want to go to my Aunt's for NY and she said ' well you will have a miserable NY then won't you.'

The reaction I expected.

I am now being cold shouldered by both my parents now.

I am so tired of this. Why do I end up feeling guilty when I am entitled to make my own decisions? Even explaining my reasons falls on deaf ears.

Argghhhhhhhh.:shrug:

[eternally optimistic]

You are certainy not in the wrong here Debs.

Christmas should be about what you want from it and if it is a quiet xmas, which to me sounds lovelly, then a quiet xmas it should be.

With anxiety, or anything else, I say you have to go with your gut instinct and live with it.

I was due to have the "in laws" for dinner on xmas day but we have cancelled because I just cant handle it. It wont help me or anyone else..

I hope you get to have the Christmas YOU want.

Take care.

[debs71]

Thanks so much Jackie, it is so good to know I am not alone in my feelings. I hope you have a great Xmas and NY.xxx

The problem I think is that nobody really understands about anxiety and the way it makes you feel, unless they have had it themselves.

xxxxx:shrug:

[eternally optimistic]

Cheers, you too. I dont know why I do that, say "cheers", Im virtually tee total...

It is hard for others to understand how we feel..

[debs71]

Hello Friends,

Well, it is that time of year again. Yet again I am here in tears.

My Aunt is having another dreaded NY Eve get together and has invited us. Yet again I am being cajoled into going by my direct family.

I have just become very angry with my sister who apparently was interrogating my Mum on the phone about why I do not want to go again this year, along the lines of 'WHY doesn't she want to go? Miserable cow, etc. etc.

I am so tired of feeling duty bound to go to all family do's when I am 40 years old and a grown woman with a mind of my own.

Why is it a mortal sin to not like NY and not want to attend a party when I don't feel comfortable or settled at them? Why do I have to justify myself?

My sister and I have a tenuous relationship as it is. We have nothing in common. She is a high flyer, stable. monied, successful.

Frankly I am not, and I am so tired of her judgements in particular when it comes to things like this. She is the partner in a chartered accountants after a promotion this year, and treats me like a member of her staff, always criticising and bossing me.

I have had enough of it.

It is last year all over again.

Sorry for the rant.xxxx:weep:

[macc noodle]

Awwww Debs - know exactly where you are coming from on this one - there is so much pressure on everyone to oblige and conform to the accepted ideal of what constitutes a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" .................................

For years I have gone along with trying to please everyone and probably end up pleasing no one - least of all myself !

So for the past few years, I tried a new tack and that was to say what my family (myself, hubby and kids) were doing and invited nearest and dearest (parents, siblings etc) to join in with us (or not as the case may be - it was up to them) to different events over the holidays and left it with them - making it politely quite clear what I wanted. We have even got on a plane on Boxing Day and left them all to it for a few years (which was marvellous I have to say but not an option in the current economic climate).

I know that it is different when you are at home with your parents and that expectations are different - they cannot help themselves when you return to the nest - you suddenly become 12 years old again in their eyes!!!! (I know, having returned home after my first marriage broke down simply because I could not abide living on my own - ha ha soon cured myself of that and returned to my own place I can tell you LOL).

I guess that I am now going to say something quite different to everyone else on here and that is that there are two sides to every story and maybe you could consider your parents position in this and ask yourself how bad would it really be to go and join in with their plans? Perhaps you could reach a compromise which makes you happy enough to join the party or perhaps you could arrange to go and see a like minded friend so that you are acting independently but at the same time not sitting at home which clearly upsets your parents (probably because they are worried about you being alone)?

Debs, only you know the answer to this one - but please do not let it make you feel ill getting worked up about it.

Good luck honey with your decision.

Thinking of you .

Macc Noodle
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Anxious_gal]

They are bullying you.
Why do they want you to go? Maybe because they fear they will look bad if you don't .
Maybe they are mad they cannot controle you, cause if you usually do what they want, suddenly saying no could be surprizing to them. They are fighting to get the controle back.

You will know when it's time to put yourself first, despite upsetting the family.
Anger can be a good thing as it helps you to stand up for what is right for you.

You know what I think ? It's easy for them to go out n have fun while you'll be there fighting your anxiety and feeling bad , so screw them, why should you put yourself through that?
In the end it's not worth keeping the peace if it stresses you out.
They'll eventually get over it :)

[Magic]

I agree with Jay ann Debs.
Your wishes should be put first.
I can never understand the new year and xmas thing. It's just like having a party.You can have a party anytime and see relations, why all the fuss?
I can remember asking a relation years ago if her and her family were coming to ours on boxing day. Her reply was "OH yes we take it for granted we are coming".
What a cheek!!!! They have continued to come. BUT NOT THIS YEAR.
We have had a very bad year,and all the family know this. so I have asked my hubby if it was the right thing to do (as they are from his side)he agreed to cancel.
There will be five of us at our house for both days, and then Boxing night I am taking my daughter to the football . Stoke City and there we will be content.
Love to all

[debs71]

Thank you Macc, Mishel and Magic.

I do appreciate your kind advice and support.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:weep::flowers:

[FRANKIEISBACK]

be assertive


you suffer from anxiety

being in stressful situations will not help you

tell your family its on doctors advice you take it easy

end of story !!!!

xxx

ps...I do thi sort of thing all the time with social occasions I feel uneasy about

[Gaily]

Hi what you could do is offer to go but within a time frame that you feel comfortable in. Perhaps say that you will go along later say 1130pm that way they will all be merry, you can pop in quick drink, wish them well and leave. This way they will remember you going & its still on your terms. Or go earlier in the evening with a set time to leave. Or just don't go at all. i am a great one for not doing anything that i don't want to do :-) Just remember you have a choice!