harasgenster
21-12-10, 15:16
Hi, I've never thought of myself of having OCD and still don't but I was wondering what people generally do about obsessive thoughts or silly ideas coming into your mind?
At the least I have things like I convince I'm going to do something inappropriate/very distressing when I'm around people. For example, I keep my hands locked together when I'm in company sometimes because I'm scared I will:
a) grab their genitals
b) take my clothes off
c) start masturbating!
I get this most in situations it would be worst - like when I'm with my family.
This bothers me a bit at the time and I start to worry but I've found I can tell my boyfriend later and we can laugh about it and that makes it better. It's caused trouble in the past because I feel like I'm going to touch people sexually even if they're a woman (I'm a straight woman) and then in the past I've become terrified I'm gay because I really don't want to be! Even though I realised the reason I don't want to be is because I want to go out with men and I don't want to be intimate with women, this didn't help the anxiety. This still worries me sometimes and then sometimes I have dreams where I'm with a woman and feel relieved that I'm "allowed to be gay". I used to have dreams I was with women all the time and I never thought anything of them. There was never any sense of being allowed to be gay or anything before this anxiety started. Obviously this relief feeling makes me anxious when I wake up because that seems like a sign that I must be gay and I'm just going to have to get used to the idea.
These anxieties can last a few weeks then my mind is taken off it by something else and I forget about it, then it doesn't bother me and when I look back I can't understand how I was ever confused because it's obvious I'm straight! Regardless, if the thoughts are triggered again by a situation where I feel like I'm going to lose control and touch everyone up then it all kicks off again.
EVEN MORE WORRYING is my obsessiveness under extreme stress/depression. This has only ever happened when I've been very ill but I have become obsessed with men. It was embarrassing when it started when I was 16 and in an abusive relationship and I got obsessed with a male celebrity. But this was like, I was anxious if I hadn't searched his name on the internet that day, it felt physically uncomfortable. This disappeared when I became happier in my life and then was replaced by a different celebrity a few years later when my life went bad again, then a different celebrity after that and then the really worrying stuff. People I don't know who aren't celebrities. This is where it felt like I'd crossed a line because I felt like a stalker. It's really important that I point out here I got NO PLEASURE from ritualistically searching on the internet etc. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and I was extremely worried about my actions but I felt I couldn't stop myself.
In an extremely bad place a couple of years ago I began talking to someone over the internet on the back of a celebrity obsession. I then became obsessed with the person I was talking to. They lived far away in a different country so I felt like I was safely away from them. Then I was looking for bursaries to go back to uni and I could only find them to go to different countries (they had been cut mostly in the UK due to lack of funding). I thought I should apply as I was in a pretty desperate situation and thought the change of situation might help. There were two choices of country. One of them was where this person was. I chose that one. I kept telling myself it wasn't because of the person but because of the course and the country. Then I chose a university in the same city as this person despite the fact there were better universities. Then I was really worried. To be honest, when I didn't get the placement, it was a MASSIVE relief. But nowadays I'm scared about that whole thing. I didn't enjoy it. At all. I hated every minute of it and I was so embarrassed. Nowadays I really worry about it. I worry that I could have gone one step further and become a stalker and that it just shows how far I could go if I lost my mind.
I'm happier again nowadays and am back to being totally uninterested in celebrities (which is normally my position on them!) but I still occassionally remember back to that time in my life and feel absolutely humiliated and terrified. I wish I could go back and make it so that there was no obsessive behaviour, but to be honest, I don't know how I would do that.
My psychotherapist at the time did not really put much weight on my worries about this with the whole "lots of people get crushes on celebrities, it's not unusual" approach, but he didn't seem to understand that I was getting only shame and self-loathing from my activities and no pleasure whatsoever!
Is any of this like having OCD temporarily or can mental illness just do this to you? I'd really like to know how I can prevent it from ever happening again in case my life ever gets turned upside down again!
Sorry for the massive post! Didn't realise I had so much to say when I started this!
At the least I have things like I convince I'm going to do something inappropriate/very distressing when I'm around people. For example, I keep my hands locked together when I'm in company sometimes because I'm scared I will:
a) grab their genitals
b) take my clothes off
c) start masturbating!
I get this most in situations it would be worst - like when I'm with my family.
This bothers me a bit at the time and I start to worry but I've found I can tell my boyfriend later and we can laugh about it and that makes it better. It's caused trouble in the past because I feel like I'm going to touch people sexually even if they're a woman (I'm a straight woman) and then in the past I've become terrified I'm gay because I really don't want to be! Even though I realised the reason I don't want to be is because I want to go out with men and I don't want to be intimate with women, this didn't help the anxiety. This still worries me sometimes and then sometimes I have dreams where I'm with a woman and feel relieved that I'm "allowed to be gay". I used to have dreams I was with women all the time and I never thought anything of them. There was never any sense of being allowed to be gay or anything before this anxiety started. Obviously this relief feeling makes me anxious when I wake up because that seems like a sign that I must be gay and I'm just going to have to get used to the idea.
These anxieties can last a few weeks then my mind is taken off it by something else and I forget about it, then it doesn't bother me and when I look back I can't understand how I was ever confused because it's obvious I'm straight! Regardless, if the thoughts are triggered again by a situation where I feel like I'm going to lose control and touch everyone up then it all kicks off again.
EVEN MORE WORRYING is my obsessiveness under extreme stress/depression. This has only ever happened when I've been very ill but I have become obsessed with men. It was embarrassing when it started when I was 16 and in an abusive relationship and I got obsessed with a male celebrity. But this was like, I was anxious if I hadn't searched his name on the internet that day, it felt physically uncomfortable. This disappeared when I became happier in my life and then was replaced by a different celebrity a few years later when my life went bad again, then a different celebrity after that and then the really worrying stuff. People I don't know who aren't celebrities. This is where it felt like I'd crossed a line because I felt like a stalker. It's really important that I point out here I got NO PLEASURE from ritualistically searching on the internet etc. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and I was extremely worried about my actions but I felt I couldn't stop myself.
In an extremely bad place a couple of years ago I began talking to someone over the internet on the back of a celebrity obsession. I then became obsessed with the person I was talking to. They lived far away in a different country so I felt like I was safely away from them. Then I was looking for bursaries to go back to uni and I could only find them to go to different countries (they had been cut mostly in the UK due to lack of funding). I thought I should apply as I was in a pretty desperate situation and thought the change of situation might help. There were two choices of country. One of them was where this person was. I chose that one. I kept telling myself it wasn't because of the person but because of the course and the country. Then I chose a university in the same city as this person despite the fact there were better universities. Then I was really worried. To be honest, when I didn't get the placement, it was a MASSIVE relief. But nowadays I'm scared about that whole thing. I didn't enjoy it. At all. I hated every minute of it and I was so embarrassed. Nowadays I really worry about it. I worry that I could have gone one step further and become a stalker and that it just shows how far I could go if I lost my mind.
I'm happier again nowadays and am back to being totally uninterested in celebrities (which is normally my position on them!) but I still occassionally remember back to that time in my life and feel absolutely humiliated and terrified. I wish I could go back and make it so that there was no obsessive behaviour, but to be honest, I don't know how I would do that.
My psychotherapist at the time did not really put much weight on my worries about this with the whole "lots of people get crushes on celebrities, it's not unusual" approach, but he didn't seem to understand that I was getting only shame and self-loathing from my activities and no pleasure whatsoever!
Is any of this like having OCD temporarily or can mental illness just do this to you? I'd really like to know how I can prevent it from ever happening again in case my life ever gets turned upside down again!
Sorry for the massive post! Didn't realise I had so much to say when I started this!