harasgenster
22-12-10, 14:46
Hi everybody
I feel like I've posted about a million times in the last week. Sorry, it's been a rough patch!
As always when I'm having a bad time, every worry and problem I've ever had is crowding out my thoughts at the moment.
One of the worries I've had is to do with addiction. I wrote something in the OCD forum here: http://nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=87084 that I now realise doesn't have anything to do with OCD. It's a long post so don't worry about reading it but it was about having obsessions with people that made me worry I would become a stalker or become a danger to others (especially as I felt I began to act on my obsessions, always justifying what I did to myself with lies, pretending the two things weren't connected).
I've done some thinking (and some Googling) and have come to the conclusion it may be a problem with addiction that I have. There's a thing called borderline-pathological celebrity worship I read about that says: "I think about so and so even though I don't want to" which is what I had and thought it was OCD, but reading a little more into it I saw it described as obsessional-addictive disorder. There aren't many references to this, I don't think it's an official name, but it seems about right.
It occured to me that my obsessions with people - which I always found frightening and upsetting and it really had a big effect on my life - felt the same as the eating disorders I used to have.
I once had an eating disorder that was somewhere between bulimia and compulsive eating disorder where I would binge until it hurt as many times a day as I could. I did this for five years, literally eating then going to sleep then eating again, it's all I did, except for the occasional month I would completely starve myself, lose all the weight, and go back to it. It even led me to do things that completely go against my core beliefs and morals - I used to steal money for food for example, even though I have very strict rules on this and have never been the kind of person that can justify doing wrong for ANY reason.
Basically, the fear at the moment is that I seem to become addicted to things and then I ruin my life. Like, really ruin it for a while. And I have no control over it, the feelings are so strong that I can't push them back and I end up doing THE ONE THING I DON'T WANT TO DO over and over and over again. It's extremely upsetting. I'm grateful that I have never been addicted to alcohol or drugs and I don't think this will happen as I'm not particularly keen on them. But I am scared it will happen again. It's happened whenever my life is turned upside down for any reason - like someone splitting up with me or, in the case of school, getting a couple of bad marks! (Oh my God! Five years of hell because I got a C! What's wrong with me! Haha!) At the moment everything's fine but I'm scared that I won't be able to control myself if anything happens. Like I said, I felt last time that it went too far and I began acting on my obsessions, actually doing things that I was terrified I might end up doing.
How do I know that a) This won't happen again, b) I won't be worse this time, c) I won't become a danger to others?
Or rather, if it does happen again, how do I work out how to stop?!
Does anyone else have experience with addictive behaviour? Were you able to break free?
Thanks
I feel like I've posted about a million times in the last week. Sorry, it's been a rough patch!
As always when I'm having a bad time, every worry and problem I've ever had is crowding out my thoughts at the moment.
One of the worries I've had is to do with addiction. I wrote something in the OCD forum here: http://nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=87084 that I now realise doesn't have anything to do with OCD. It's a long post so don't worry about reading it but it was about having obsessions with people that made me worry I would become a stalker or become a danger to others (especially as I felt I began to act on my obsessions, always justifying what I did to myself with lies, pretending the two things weren't connected).
I've done some thinking (and some Googling) and have come to the conclusion it may be a problem with addiction that I have. There's a thing called borderline-pathological celebrity worship I read about that says: "I think about so and so even though I don't want to" which is what I had and thought it was OCD, but reading a little more into it I saw it described as obsessional-addictive disorder. There aren't many references to this, I don't think it's an official name, but it seems about right.
It occured to me that my obsessions with people - which I always found frightening and upsetting and it really had a big effect on my life - felt the same as the eating disorders I used to have.
I once had an eating disorder that was somewhere between bulimia and compulsive eating disorder where I would binge until it hurt as many times a day as I could. I did this for five years, literally eating then going to sleep then eating again, it's all I did, except for the occasional month I would completely starve myself, lose all the weight, and go back to it. It even led me to do things that completely go against my core beliefs and morals - I used to steal money for food for example, even though I have very strict rules on this and have never been the kind of person that can justify doing wrong for ANY reason.
Basically, the fear at the moment is that I seem to become addicted to things and then I ruin my life. Like, really ruin it for a while. And I have no control over it, the feelings are so strong that I can't push them back and I end up doing THE ONE THING I DON'T WANT TO DO over and over and over again. It's extremely upsetting. I'm grateful that I have never been addicted to alcohol or drugs and I don't think this will happen as I'm not particularly keen on them. But I am scared it will happen again. It's happened whenever my life is turned upside down for any reason - like someone splitting up with me or, in the case of school, getting a couple of bad marks! (Oh my God! Five years of hell because I got a C! What's wrong with me! Haha!) At the moment everything's fine but I'm scared that I won't be able to control myself if anything happens. Like I said, I felt last time that it went too far and I began acting on my obsessions, actually doing things that I was terrified I might end up doing.
How do I know that a) This won't happen again, b) I won't be worse this time, c) I won't become a danger to others?
Or rather, if it does happen again, how do I work out how to stop?!
Does anyone else have experience with addictive behaviour? Were you able to break free?
Thanks