Guilt = panic :(

[tinycritter]

Hi everyone.
I wish I could be a bit more positive and not just post here when I feel down, sorry - but thanks for reading. I don't know if this will seem familiar to anyone else here. I struggle with horrible guilt about things that I'm sure no sane person would think twice about. If I make the slightest mistake or social foul-up (and I mean really idiotic things, like spilling someone's drink or being a bit snappy with someone) I will agonize about it afterwards for months, sometimes years, and it's ruined my relationships with so many friends as well as my ex partner. As a child I was always made to feel very guilty about even the smallest mistake or failing, but instead of growing out of it (I'm nearly 30) it has just grown worse as I've got older.
I don't know if this belongs here or in one of the other forum sections, because I just don't know if it's a symptom or a cause, part of social anxiety or general anxiety, phobia or depression related or all of the above. All I know is that every little mistake I make or stupid humiliating thing I do causes me to panic horribly and keeps coming back again and again. I especially seem to have these guilt/panic 'flashbacks' (not the right word but I can't think of another one) when things finally seem to be looking up for me - I'll be getting on with my day, feeling really positive, and then suddenly I start remembering some awful social humiliation or mistake I've made in the past, and it's like being hit in the face with a mallet. It has just happened again today and now I feel sick and shaky and I can't even face getting out of bed. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone else have any experience of this? Any idea how to cope? Or am I genuinely just a hopeless neurotic? :unsure:
Thanks x

[mr badger]

Sounds familiar but less se ere in my case.

It's the mind hunting for proof that I'm worthless I think, you know, tat old sel esteem stuff.

When I'm 'well' I see things differently, when 'unwell' every past mistake comes slamming forwards again.

I can only say, try to find a bit of perspective; remember times when you've been helpful, positive and worthwhile. Listen to people you love, do something for someone else and break the cycle. Easy to say, hard to do.

[Nigel]

Hi tinycritter,

You’re probably right – it’s probably a combination of all those issues you mentioned, and underlying them all, as Mr Badger said, is probably low self esteem. So it might help to do some reading about that.

“As a child I was always made to feel very guilty about even the smallest mistake or failing, but instead of growing out of it (I'm nearly 30) it has just grown worse as I've got older.”

That makes sense why you’re experiencing these problems still. Sometimes it’s not as simple as ‘growing out’ of these things, not until we make a conscious effort to actually challenge some of those thoughts. Once the mind learns something and commits it to long term memory, we tend to loose sight of it and just automatically act and react in that way. And when you think about it, so many things were learnt as a child because up till then we hadn’t learnt how to respond to that situation. That’s why so many things from childhood cause so many problems in later life – because we never learn any new and better ways.

I bet your parents used the word ‘you’ a lot when they were talking to you as a child. Often with good intentions, but when speaking in that way about some thing negative – “You should... You shouldn’t... You’re bad for doing... You should feel ashamed of yourself for...” – the child grows up feeling that they themselves are a bad person. What the parent should be doing is referring to something the child did or the way they behaved as bad or wrong. Reserve the word ‘you’ for praise and good things.

“If I make the slightest mistake or social foul-up (and I mean really idiotic things, like spilling someone's drink or being a bit snappy with someone) I will agonize about it afterwards for months, sometimes years”

Remember...
I am a human being not a human doing
Don’t think, “I’m bad for spilling that drink,” because it wasn’t done on purpose. Instead think, “It was a bit clumsy to spill that drink.” Blame the act, not the person.

Take care :)
Nigel

[Groundhog]

Hi
Sounds very familiar. It’s not unusual for people that suffer anxiety to want things perfect I think you will find it’s a trait we have to bear.

My psychologist recons its one of my root problems. When we delved into my past there were certain patterns that reinforced this, far too many and complicated to go into here but for example I never take time off work ill for fear of letting someone down, hate making mistakes in any form and seriously worry if I make even a small error. If I do something wrong at work now I have to clear it up then and there I can’t just let it go or deal with it the next day or next week or worry worry worry.

My psyc has taught me some processes to help and I’m looking forward to testing them out when I go back to work in the new term, I know it won’t be easy but I’m up for the challenge.

[tinycritter]

Thank you Badger, Groundhog and Nigel for your replies and insights. I know at the root of this is probably a combination of low self esteem and I am a bit obsessional when it comes to things being perfect - I worry constantly what people will think of me if I make a mistake and will sometimes do things over and over and over again to make sure they're 'perfect' (not possible of course) ... it seems as though the answer is to try to be more positive, as with a lot of our anxiety-related troubles. Easier said than done as Mr Badger pointed out, but I will have to try a bit harder. I know it's all in my mind and that these things don't really matter, but knowing that as a fact doesn't make the problem go away. It's so infuriating, I get really angry with myself when I get like this.
Thank you again for taking the time to reply and offer your help, much appreciated guys. And Groundhog I wish you luck for the new term. :) x

[blueangel]

This sounds like me as well, Groundhog. One of my core beliefs is that I'm not allowed to make mistakes or show weakness, because of the way I was brought up. it does have some benefits, as it has made me very determined to succeed, but there are downsides to it as well.

[happycamper]

Hey tinycritter,

That work guilt resonates with me, toxic guilt is a better description...

I'm 40 and trying to learn not to live with the tremendous guilt I've lived with for a few years now....not for anything I've actually done wrong, but my mum makes me feel that way, partly because of the distance I live from my parents, but also I naturally feel guilty about so much that I know I shouldn't, like yourself.

I do think a large amount is from my upbringing, I presently see a psychologist and she is helping me a great deal with this as well as anxiety, which probably comes side by side. It's all complicated stuff which I'm just getting my head around...

Good luck. X

[Nigel]

Guilt is like indigestion of emotions.
It just sits there making you feel bad but doesn’t really achieve anything.
:winks: