PLEASE HELP has anyone felt this BAD and survived?

[joannap]

as i am typing this i am on 10mg diazapam a day, 80mg propranalol, a sleeping tablet and prozac 20mg. very long story but had anxiety problems for years but always coped with anti depressants through the worst of it. i consider myself very stoic and have coped with periods of constant anxiety simply with acceptance even though it has been very difficult at times.

i came off citalopram about 8 weeks ago thinking i could manage without - BIG MISTAKE. Now realise this spiral into a black hole has been coming on for a year ever since i started reducing my dose and the last few weeks my anxiety has been UNBEARABLE. i have also had the worst year ever with 4 tragic events in the family - the fourth being a cancer diagnosis for my step dad last week. 2 weeks ago tomorrow i was prescribed prozac and 2mg diazapam for emergencies. In the last 3 weeks i have had several emergency gp appointments, a home visit because i rang and said i could not cope for another minute - this led to me being taken to casualty on the advice of my gp for a psychiatrist assessment.

i have also had to ring the out of hours doctor twice because i have been climbing the walls. my husband and mum have virtually had to spend every minute with me and whole days have passed with me sat crying inconsably convinced i am going to die or be driven to suicide (even though i desperately want to live and get better). my thoughts have been so black - all about death/dying/admitted to hospital etc and my brain is not giving me a moments peace. i am having to see my gp every two days at present and she started me on 2 x 5mg diazapam for a few days to try and break this cycle i am in.

i thought i knew everything there was to know about anxiety and how to deal with it - distraction etc - having been a sufferer for 13 years but have never been in such hell and it has me so gripped that at times i am not sure how i am managing to remain standing. i am desperately hoping the prozac will start to kick in soon.

has anyone else on this forum truly felt this bad and got through?:scared15:

[mabelthemini]

hun-I cant begin to imagine how you feel, all I can say is Prozac does take time to kick in, i started to feel better into my 3rd week of it, it wasn't too many weeks ago when i thought i would never feel better but as i write this I can see there is hope and i do feel better. i hope you will feel the same soon-huge hugs for you. x

[joannap]

thanks mabel - did you see ANY improvements before the 2-3 week mark or did it happen all of a sudden? when i took anti depressants for the first time in my twenties i felt terrible for 16 days - no improvement whatsoever until all of a sudden i started to feel better. hoping it might happen like this again x

[kirstyt]

Hi hun.yes.i was likr u 4 yrs ago.close to suicide and im still here.and ive never taken anti depressants.just homeopathic remedies.things will get better hun. Xxxx

[mabelthemini]

Hi Joanne-no nothing at all for forst two weeks-in fact felt worse than i did before starting the Prozac..then at the end of the 3rd week i gradually began to feel better, managed to stop getting up in the morning and going straight back to bed again, have now been taking them for about 6/7 weeks and feel much better..stick with them hun, they will kick in..one day you will just feel 'normal' again. Take care. x

[Anna C]

Hi Joanna,

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bad.

Although I haven't felt as bad as you do at the moment, and I'm not on medication, I can relate to how you feel when you say you are crying all the time and even the thoughts of dying -although I also want to feel better.
The good thing is you have a lot of support from your gp, your family and your friends on NMP and also the medication they will help you through this.
I'm sorry I haven't been much help. I just wanted to give you a hug and say I hope you feel better soon.:hugs:

Take care Anna

[Primula]

Yes Joanne, I was as bad as this in April of this year. Like you I decided to stop taking citalopram. I has been taking 10mg for over two years, which had been cut down from 20mg, and i was doing really well. Started to cut the tabs in half, and then gradually less and less until i stopped taking them altogether. I was thrilled as I had no side effects, and thought I was feeling really well. Within about a month I crashed, and had the worst anxiety I have ever known. I was terrified I would kill myself even though I really wanted to live. I had horrendous panic attacks, and really didn't know how to carry on, I've never been so terrified in my life. I tried to resist starting ADs again, but in the end I went back to the Doc and started back on 20 mg of Citalopram, six weeks later I was still in a state, and increased to 40mg. It has taken until now to feel more normal again. I've kept reading claire weekes, and books on Acceptance and Comittment Therapy which is quite similar to Claire Weekes, and this had helped. Also relaxation and meditation cds have helped, a good one is by Bodhipaksa, it's called meditations for busy people, and it does help you to relax. These are not cures but they do help you to carry on. I have also made the decision to carry on taking ADs for the rest of my life if need be. Hopefully I will be able to lower the dose again, but I never want to go through the anxiety I've had in the last year again. I hope this helps. If you want to message me privately please do.I hope you start feeling better soon. My heart goes out to you.:hugs:

[Vixxy]

1 year ago almost to the day I was in exactly your position. I was tapering off my mirtazapine and was down to 15mg (the lowest dose) when my anxiety came at me like a tonne of bricks. I spent most of December in denial that things were going wrong. By the time I thought to get help it had gotten so bad I had a massive relapse. This was on Christmas Eve. I woke up shaking from head to toe, my heart was hammering, I couldn't eat, I couldn't cope. I eventually went in to see my mum and told her what was happening and she tried to calm me down.
I spent the rest of the day curled up on the bed watching god only knows what on the tv. I couldn't even concentrate on it. It was just on. And that was about it. My nan came over on Christmas day, and even though she is in frail health and probably not much longer for this world I wouldnt come out of my bedroom. I basically hid there for weeks.
My days were always the same. I would wake up shaking and panicking. During the evening the anxiety would start to wind down a little as I knew bed time was soon and I could go to sleep and forget about it all for a few hours.
That was a year ago, and I think I am proof that you can and will get through this! I'm so much better than I was last year. I'm not cured, but I'm getting there!
You can too. It's just a case of getting through each passing hour until the pills start to help you feel better and you need to remember YOU CAN COPE. You've survived for 13 years with this, you have all the tools you need to get past this. You just need to really believe they can work again.
The best thing that helped me during my crisis was relaxation. I downloaded an app onto my ipod and would listen to it EVERY time the anxiety kicked off.
I really hope my story helps you. If you want to hear any more then please ask :)

[blueangel]

Oh, poor Joanna, I know exactly how you feel. It sounds like what I would call stress overload, and I've been experiencing this myself. Over the last three years, I've split up with a partner, got divorced, acquired a new partner with two children (and I've no previous experience of children at all!), moved house four times and changed job, and you just get to the point when your brain says "enough" and goes into total panic mode.

I'd managed to ride most of it until I got an exceptionally bad spate of IBS a couple of months ago and I just thought "right, that's it, you've put up with all this stuff and now you're dying". I fell apart totally a few weeks ago and was getting to the stage of being in a total panic from the minute I woke up, and hardly any sleep. I spent a few nights in complete hysterics. This made me admit defeat, mostly for the sake of my partner, so I'm back on the citalopram. Three weeks down the line, I'm starting to feel a bit better, although imminent Christmas is making me a bit twitchy as I've got to do loads of social stuff that I don't enjoy, but at least I've only got a couple of days of this before I can do the stuff that I want to do.

I can't tolerate prozac myself, but they work in the same way as the other SSRIs. so I'm sure you'll start to feel a bit better soon. Hang on in there, and do please drop me a PM if you want someone else to talk to.

Big hugs :hugs:

[elainey70]

Hi Joanna,

Yes, i have felt like this,i was so far down i didnt think i would ever get up again. I to suffered from those dark thoughts (about suicide) even though i wanted to live. I ended up in a physc hosptial for 6 weeks i was so bad. I was on 30mg of diazapam, 30mg of seroxat and 20mg of temazapam a day. 18 weeks later and i have to say i am starting to see improvement. I no longer take diazapam or temazapam. I know its really hard, but hang on in there, you WILL get through this rough patch and things will get better for you. Look after yourself and take care x

[joannap]

thanks guys for all the lovely replies. think the prozac may be starting to do something but have been on valium for 3 days so not sure what the improvement is exactly down to xx

[Kristopher :)]

Hi :) I honestly cant say I am as bad as that 'yet'. I have not been to the doctors im 20 yrs old and have only recently (3 or 4 months) suffered from anxiety, it came from nowhere. All I can say in relation to your story is that I get worried when I am in the house alone sometimes, cry for no reason, suffer from brain fog that really gets me down. I also sometimes have to have the phone beside me when i try to sleep incase something happens to me and i dunno why, and all these other random sensations make me think im going crazy :( Hang in there, be strong and you will get through it. You already have proven you are strong coping now! Good luck xxxx

[Chips]

Oh yes, I know these feelings. It's the pits and I would not wish it on anyone. I'm on Seroquel (to help sleep) and Propranolol. AD's send me up the wall to the point where I can't function.

My darkest moments always revolve around subjects such as death, dying, making myself die through stress, sudden death from panic, nocebo and anything to do with the negative power of the mind over the body.

The only things that have helped me in the long run is to wrench myself away from my own thoughts and force myself to think something else, or, flood my brain with information on my worst fears until it just doesn't have any more effect. Two years down the line and I'm still here thinking the same old rubbish but it has gradually gone in the right direction.

When it's black, it's so hard to remember that it didn't always feel like this.:hugs:

[Anxiousgal]

Joanna - I just found this board and could have written this post myself. I heve recently had a relapse getting of of Celexa. I thought Celexa wasn't doing much but it must have been because I am so much worse now. I have constant GAD and panic and horrible depression. I panic thinking I will never stop panicking! I have been miserable for three months because I re-tried Zoloft for 7 weeks and it made me worse! I know this post is a bit old but how are you today? Has the Prozac worked? Just wondering why the doctor put you on Prozac rather than going back on Celexa (citalopram)?

[blue moon]

Hi Joanna
Yes I too have been in one big hell hole.I lost 2 son's in Iran and a lot of family members,I went into shock and was laden up in my bed for many months,my hubby who is a Psych,could not even help me,I ended up in hospital and stayed there for quite some time,as all I wanted to do was die.I was having terrible thoughts about doing myself in,but realised that i had 2 other children that needed their mum,so slowly I began the long road back to sanity.My family moved to Australia and it was here that I got the proper treatment for PTS,and Anxiety and all that goes with it,I now try not to take any meds I just do breathing exercises and visualistion.I also do yoga.I still have the odd day where i feel bad,but really have more good days now.You hang in there Joanna.
Love Petra xxx:flowers::hugs:

[joannap]

thanks guys for your replies - very emotional reading and have to say petra - that your post made me very emotional - you are one inspirational lady! my gp suggested i go back on citalopram but i refused to (developed a fear of medication after a bad reaction to a stomach drug and was terrified any medication would do the same). For some reason i was not as scared to take prozac (have had it once in the past) and thought it may be better for my acid reflux as it is in a shell rather than being a chalky type tablet.

i am 4 weeks and 4 days into prozac - it took 3 weeks and 3 days before i even noticed feeling a little more stable (even though my family said they could see improvements) but i am still having some very black days where i have to take a diazapam. i am taking hope from people saying that it is a slower acting ssri because in the past - medication has lifted me out of anxiety/depression within 3 weeks at the most although i have to say i think that this is the worst i have ever been so perhaps i am hoping for too much too soon x

[JT69]

Hi Joanna,

Glad to hear you are starting to feel some benefit from the meds and slowly getting there. I was in the same situation as you just over a year ago and never thought I would come through....you always seem to feel like that and cannot be convinced that you can ever feel any different!! Truely awful!! And only those of us who have suffered really know how it feels.

I wish you more better days ahead....you have come a long way...keep going.

Take care of you.

Jo.xx