feeling really low

[candicemarie88]

I'm 22 years old and suffer from general anxiety, health anxiety, social phobia, ocd and depression. I am currently studying at university and am in my first year.

I have always been a worrier and spent the last few years since my A levels working, living with my parents and pretty much being alone. I have a boyfiend who i've been with 3 1/2 years and three close friends. However, my friends went to uni at 18 and i was too afraid to at the time. I only see them twice a year and since I finished school I made no new friends at work or anywhere. I moved away to go to university in September and have made one fairly good friend, though I don't see her very much since she has other mates who she sees too.

I have a deeply ingrained thought that everyone hates me and this is the reason that people ignore me. I have been told many times that I'm 'boring' and 'no fun', which has added to and maintained the negative thought that eveyone hates me and I am a loser. This caused me to develop social phobia and i have really struggled over the last few years. I find it very hard to go out alone and if i do I disguise myself in sunglasses or a hat, to try and blend in. I was teased at school because of my freckles and height (im 5ft1) and I still replay these events over and over in my head.

I'm often told that I look about 16, since I'm really small and have a really young looking face. My sister is 19 and she looks older than me, people always think im the younger sister and say 'oh, i can't believe you're 19, you don't look 19' and they nearly faint when i tell them im actually 22, nearly 23! Because of this, I still fell like a child and as if i can't grow up. I miss my parents when I'm away at uni and cry myself to sleep most nights because I feel so alone.

I get on with my flatmates, but I don't bring much to the conversations, I just nod along with what's being said and I lack the confidence to actually speak my mind and argue my personal opinions. I fear I will mess up and besides, during conversations my mind goes blank and I lose the ability to think stright, so I can never elaborate or add to what's being said. I try to avoid people if i can, because I hate and can't stand people looking at me, it makes me so nervous.

I have one friend who lives nearby, she's fairly shy too, but she is well-liked and I notice that she doesn't speak a lot to others, but they still accept her. I really think that people don't take me seriously because of my appearance, I mean they think I'm a kid, so why are they going to talk to me? I'm so self concious it's unreal. Even with make-up on i still look really young. As my parents say, I know I'll appreciate it when I'm older, but could I at least look 18 now!? I also hate the fact that I'm short, it makes me feel very inferior to other people.

Sorry to go on and on, I just have a lot of emotions built up inside that I need to let out. I just want to be able to hold and lead a conversation, to not constantly worry about what's running through the other persons mind. I really struggle with eye contact too, so want to overcome that. I'm just very lost at the moment.. living in a city with only one real friend, it's so depressing. I have also missed most of this first semester at uni and am considering quitting, because I really can't face my fellow students. I know I have my boyfriend, but he is much more outgoing and I don't really speak to his friends or family. I just feel like I'm dragging him down and preventing him for having fun, because he is always trying to reassure me and help me through my constant worries.

I'm such a miserable person and long to be someone else. why is there always something wrong with me, why can't i just be normal??

Thanks for reading if you got this far! hope you all had a lovely christmas.

[spiral]

Firstly - well doing on going to uni :-) What are you studying?

People tend to point out random differences between you and themselves - but almost always they only do this about things that they don't think are negative things. So people with often say things like you're short (I get that one too, i'm 5'2) and you look young as they don't see these as negative things. Not many people would say you're bald or you're fat to someone.

It sounds that maybe you are pushing yourself too hard and perhaps you should focus on a small step at a time. You have already managed to move in with a group of strangers at university :-) The next step might be to try not to avoid people, focus on listening to them rather that worrying that you are not entertaining them.

I'm not sure if i'm making sense. I just think that by trying to become outgoing straight away is too much. Most of the population love talking so someone who just listens to them is often well liked, you said your shy friend is accepted and maybe people like her because she listens rather than what she actually contributes to the conversation. I feel that might be the place to be aiming for now and when you get there then you starting thinking about contributing your personal opinions and eventually you will get to the step where you start to lead conversations.