Extreme anxiety about someone else's safety.

[pd]

I have extreme anxiety about my boyfriend's safety. It's worse right now because I'm at home for Christmas and he lives permenantly in the town where I am at university, a few hundred miles away. If I can't get hold of him I panic. I imagine everything that could have happened to him. I only feel 'right' if I can talk to him on the phone, and even then, as soon as we hang up I'm back with the anxiety until I next hear from him. Over the past week or so I've spent hours in total sitting in front of the BBC travel reports, scouring for accidents in the places he drives. I call all the time, and he's working, he's busy and can't spend all day talking to his freak of a girlfriend. It's slightly better when we're in the same town, but lately I find that unless we're together I worry. It's beginning to take me over completely. I just can't get over it. I'm driving him as well as myself around the bend.

[Ocho]

Hi, I'm new here.

Has anyone got anything to say about this previous post?

We're having real trouble with our daughter. She's 22 and has a boyfriend.

Lately, she's exactly like pd on the previous post. She is beside herself when she doesn't know where her boyfriend is. Currently she's spending about 4-5 days at his house which is about a 1 hour drive away and about 2-3 days at our house (the family home). Occasionally her boyfriend stays with us.

Two weeks ago he was going to leave to go home by himself (as he usually does) however our daughter was beside herself. She didn't mind him leaving as long as she went with him. After a bit of a confrontation with us and her boyfriend (which was the first time this had happened in front of the boyfriend) we all gave in and she went with him.

It's now got to the stage when she is following him in the car when he goes to cricket training, phoning him on the mobile phone all the time (does he have his seat belt on, etc).

She's had one session with a psychologist but it's obviously a bit early yet. The only problem with that is that this psychologist is only occasionally available and we have to wait for ages to see another one.

Last Tuesday she was supposed to stay with us but she apparently had a bit of a fight with her boyfriend over the phone when he said for her not to call and that he would call her when he got home. She couldn't stand that and wanted to leave straight away and drive an hour to where he was training. We were determined not to let her go but gave in at the end as the shouting and screaming wasn't helping anyone (including my wife).

Sorry for the long post.

Does anyone have any experience with this and what we can do?

[Ocho]

Gee, not much support on this forum for this kind of thing I see. :ohmy:

[Belleblue]

Hi Ocho, I don't know if you noticed pd's post is almost two years old. It was also posted around Christmas-time during which a lot of folks are really busy and so therefore problems on forums tend to go notoriously unanswered for this reason :)

I don't have personal experience of your problem, but I will try my best to give you some sort of helpful feedback until hopefully someone else comes along and can be of more help to you.

Your daughter's anxiety comes across to me as strangely parental. I recognize this because I used to get extremely anxious for my son when he was growing up, then as a teenager and young adult. I think many parents on here will relate. I did my best to conceal this and to get things in perspective and not let my imagination run riot on me. I knew he needed to feel I trusted him to take care of himself and inappropriate interference from me would drive him away. If not physically, then certainly emotionally. I managed somehow to do this and he has turned into a well balanced man and we have a good relationship.

Your daughter's behaviour in this regard will almost certainly result in driving this boyfriend away. He's a fully grown man and needs her to know that he can take care of himself. I feel I need also say that she needs to be careful that this anxious behaviour is not eventually interpreted by him as a type of stalking. There's a very fine line. This type of attention will eventually feel overwhelming to him and will certainly overwhelm her if she can't get to grips with it.

You are going in the right direction in encouraging her to see a psychologist about it. Is there any chance of her getting more sessions, even perhaps with another one as this one is not available on a regular basis? I think some CBT sessions would be very beneficial and help her to unravel the reasons for this extreme worry.

Finally, I'd like to say what a good and caring Dad you obviously are, coming on here in an effort to better help and understand your daughter's predicament. Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going for you all.

All the best and take care.

Belle x

[Ocho]

Thanks for replying BelleBlue. She is finally having her second session tomorrow but she is currently worrying like anything as he has been away for the weekend for a couple of cricket practice matches. He is driving home as I type from about a 4 hour trip.