First time experience on Citalopram

[SanitySeeker]

I have spent the past 9 or so days reading this, and the threads on the patient.experience website. I have found the experiences and advice given by others extremely useful, so i thought i'd pen my own - perhaps they might help someone else.

I am a 28 year old male and I’ve had two major depressive episodes, the first 7 years ago while in my last year at uni - i attempted to cut my wrists during this time and spent several days in hospital, including having surgery to repair tendons i had severely damaged.

My most recent episode is slightly complicated, i won’t go in to the details but it involves a girl i was seeing who has torn my heart out in one of the worst ways imaginable. The situation is complicated massively by me living in a shared house with her.

Recent events have plunged me in to a severe bout of depression. It felt as if my brain was fizzing from all of the horrible thoughts. I recognised the signs and knew i had to get some help, before i did something stupid. I made an emergency appointment with my GP, who prescribed me with citalopram. I was very reluctant to take ADs initially, but i was beginning to doubt whether i could shift this episiode by myself. That evening i took my first 10mg tablet - this was to continue for 1 week, before upping the dose to 20mg (which i did on Monday).

The past 9 days have been a bit of a rollercoaster. I have suffered from anxiety, sometimes crippling and very unpleasant - i went to the supermarket and almost had my first ever panic attack. Braving the Xmas crowds with a head full of mind altering AD (well, during the introductory period anyway) is not something i would recommend!

My energy levels have suffered dramatically. I spend most of the day too tired to move, having to nap frequently - consequently, i cannot sleep at night, starting a vicious cycle of exhaustion. Night time is also when the appropriately named 'chatterbox' becomes more active - so anxiety levels increase, turning the whole situation in to some horrible feedback loop. I have tried herbal nytol and milky drinks so far, neither of which have worked – i am hoping this side effect will die down, or that my GP will prescribe me something to help.

My appetite has virtually disappeared. Xmas dinner consisted of a few forkfulls, before i had to retreat back to bed. My stomach rumbles all the time and i feel hungry, yet the thought of eating makes me feel nauseous. It's odd. Again, i am hoping this is going to pass. Many people report weight gain from being on cit...

Lots of guys seem to complain about um, 'problems in the trouser department.' I haven't had any problems with impotence, quite the opposite in fact, in the words of Austin Powers 'it's like a baby’s arm holding an apple!' My libido seems to be through the roof too. However, 'finishing' is another story. After a sustained effort ‘on my own,’ it can be achieved, but with a girl? I have only had one encounter on it so far, and i gave up... Though i have no doubt i would have been machining away all night like a nodding donkey to little avail. I have done a lot of research and it seems that other Ads can be used in combination with Cit (like Bupropion and Mirtazapine for example) and may help. Also the antihistimine Cyproheptadine. I am going to discuss this with my GP when i see him next week. If these things are going to cause long term sexual problems then i am going to have to seriously think about how suitable they are for me.

I have had one good day since i started these. My of my days seem to be up and down, irritable, not wanting to talk to anyone etc. With occasional feelings of 'i don't care' or 'why am i worrying about this.' The other evening, one minute i was wanting to sleep, the next i couldn't stop talking. It was very peculiar. I am hoping this is going to level off a bit, because at the moment i’m not seeing any real benefit to these things, maybe i need an increased dose.

I am due to start back at work on Monday, but i just don't see it happening at the moment. I would either fall asleep, bite the head off a colleague and/or member of the public, or sit there staring blankly at my monitor! I have my next appointment with my GP a week tomorrow, i don't think i will be going back before then, and i will be signed off for a further week.

That’s about all i can be bothered to write at the moment. I’m going to attempt to eat some pasta, wish me luck!

[HarrogateChris]

Night time is also when the appropriately named 'chatterbox' becomes more active - so anxiety levels increase, turning the whole situation in to some horrible feedback loop.
...
Many people report weight gain from being on cit...
...
However, 'finishing' is another story...If these things are going to cause long term sexual problems then i am going to have to seriously think about how suitable they are for me.
...
because at the moment i’m not seeing any real benefit to these things, maybe i need an increased dose.


Hi SanitySeeker,

One of the factors in my breakdown was having my heart broken by my best friend who treated me appallingly, I don't know why, she refused to talk to me.

Cit can be a bit of a ride in the first few weeks, but it's worth it, I feel so much better now I'm on a therapeutic dose (normally 30-40mg) and it's bought me the headspace to start dealing with my 'stuff'. I had a lot of difficulty sleeping during the first few weeks (although I wasn't sleeping well before cit either) due to the rantings of my chatterbox. Now I'm sleeping really well and my chatterbox is all but gone. The tiredness anxiety loop is horrid, I feel for you. I got so tired of my head banging on and on and on about my friend and things I might say or do to make things right or make her see how much she had hurt me. Nightmare!

I've lost a lot of weight, 4" off my waist, but I'm a 40 year old bloke so that's a result! :D

As far as the sexual stuff goes, I have a similar experience, although there are benefits to my new super human stamina :winks: As a rule of thumb, if you've made someone happy, they are usually quite obliging in finding a way to return the favour. One important point -if your illness drives you to harm yourself, that can have a fairly drastic long term impact on your sex life too.

I'd definitely stick with the cit, if it's working a little bit now then the longer term outlook is good once you get the dose sorted. It's only a few weeks and it is definitely worth it :D

Take care :bighug1:

Chris

[happycamper]

Hi SanitySeeker,

So much of what you've said about how you feel since taking the cit I also experienced, especially tiredness, difficulty sleeping, increased anxiety and loss of appetite. Being a girl I can't comment on the trouser department, sorry!

However 6 months on, all that is a distant memory, have had no bad anxiety/panic episodes, feel much more in control of my mind and hoping so much it stays this way, the odd blip allowed, which I've had twice. Just still pretty tired though, especially in the morning which is frankly a real nuisance.

Oh and the loss of appetite unfortunately didn't last, that weight gain has occurred, ooops...going to have to work on that...!

But so worth it, bear the positive posts in mind while you're going through the tough stuff and hopefully you'll be saying the same as me soon. X

[SanitySeeker]

Hi SanitySeeker,

One of the factors in my breakdown was having my heart broken by my best friend who treated me appallingly, I don't know why, she refused to talk to me.

Cit can be a bit of a ride in the first few weeks, but it's worth it, I feel so much better now I'm on a therapeutic dose (normally 30-40mg) and it's bought me the headspace to start dealing with my 'stuff'. I had a lot of difficulty sleeping during the first few weeks (although I wasn't sleeping well before cit either) due to the rantings of my chatterbox. Now I'm sleeping really well and my chatterbox is all but gone. The tiredness anxiety loop is horrid, I feel for you. I got so tired of my head banging on and on and on about my friend and things I might say or do to make things right or make her see how much she had hurt me. Nightmare!

I've lost a lot of weight, 4" off my waist, but I'm a 40 year old bloke so that's a result! :D

As far as the sexual stuff goes, I have a similar experience, although there are benefits to my new super human stamina :winks: As a rule of thumb, if you've made someone happy, they are usually quite obliging in finding a way to return the favour. One important point -if your illness drives you to harm yourself, that can have a fairly drastic long term impact on your sex life too.

I'd definitely stick with the cit, if it's working a little bit now then the longer term outlook is good once you get the dose sorted. It's only a few weeks and it is definitely worth it :D

Take care :bighug1:

Chris


Hi Chris,

Many thanks for your reply. Maybe SanitySeeker was the wrong name, i don't think i'm crazy; happiness is what is seek :)

What you say about your chatterbox rings so true to my situation, in fact i had a mini breakdown at work during one of these active thought sessions. Fortunately my manager has been through depression and told me about the cognitive behaviour therapy she'd had (which she said was the best thing she ever did). Some of the cognitive distortions make so much sense to how my brain thinks about things. I have asked my GP for a referral, hopefully when i see him next week he'll have looked in to this.

I'm 6'4 and the last time i weighed myself a few months ago i was 13st, i weighed myself yesterday and was 11.5. I couldn't believe it! I think i am slowly getting my appetite back though, i've just managed to eat a frightening amount of spaghetti :D

I really hope i don't go down the self harming route again. I am glad that this time i bit the bullet and saw the doc. Sounds like i'll probably need to get bumped up to 30mg though.

Anyways, thanks again for your post. Wasn't sure if i was just writing to vent, or if anyone would actually bother reading it!

I'll post again when there are any further developments. In the meantime, i'm off to find some bricks to tie to my right leg to stop it shaking up and down! Damn this restless leg syndrome, i hope that disappears too!

[SanitySeeker]

Hi SanitySeeker,

So much of what you've said about how you feel since taking the cit I also experienced, especially tiredness, difficulty sleeping, increased anxiety and loss of appetite. Being a girl I can't comment on the trouser department, sorry!

However 6 months on, all that is a distant memory, have had no bad anxiety/panic episodes, feel much more in control of my mind and hoping so much it stays this way, the odd blip allowed, which I've had twice. Just still pretty tired though, especially in the morning which is frankly a real nuisance.

Oh and the loss of appetite unfortunately didn't last, that weight gain has occurred, ooops...going to have to work on that...!

But so worth it, bear the positive posts in mind while you're going through the tough stuff and hopefully you'll be saying the same as me soon. X

Thanks HappyCamper, that's very encouraging to hear. I have plans for 2011, just need to shake this black dog hanging around my neck!

One of my plans is joining the local gym, so hopefully i won't have to worry too much about the weight gain. I've never been a morning person and i'm always tired first thing, so that won't be a real change :)

6 months sounds like a frighteningly long commitment, but seems to be the minimal period from what i read. I was told this by the doc, but dismissed it...

[happycamper]

You can't think more than a day ahead at a time when you're going through the poxy anxiety sometimes, so don't worry about thinking 6 months ahead....but I guess if you've got that positiveness in the back of your mind it's bound to be a good thing.

I'd never have been able to speak like this back in the summer, can't quite believe how easy I can rationalise things now....

Oh, restless legs, that is a little annoyance still!

Clare X

[SanitySeeker]

You can't think more than a day ahead at a time when you're going through the poxy anxiety sometimes, so don't worry about thinking 6 months ahead....but I guess if you've got that positiveness in the back of your mind it's bound to be a good thing.

I'd never have been able to speak like this back in the summer, can't quite believe how easy I can rationalise things now....

Oh, restless legs, that is a little annoyance still!

Clare X

Aye, i will try and think about this one step at a time. I know i will improve 10 fold once i have moved out of my current house. It's just that i have 2 weeks when i go back (staying at my mums for xmas at the moment) where i have to share the house with the girl that has messed my head up. I am slightly afraid of going back there to be honest, in case it flips me out again. I'm going back on Friday, she's away for the weekend thankfully. But she will be back on Sunday - i have had the conversation with her in my head about 50 times, it's not going to be pleasant. I just need to know why she decided to hurt me so much. Sorry, probably not making much sense, but there isn't much point me going in to it all.

Something i forgot to mention in my epic first post was alcohol. Blimey do you have to be careful drinking on this stuff! Xmas eve i met up with my old school friends, 2 pints in and i felt heady. I had no problem drinking a fair amount that night, but the hangover was 2 days of horror. Not sicky, just all in the mind and very unpleasant. I'm going to be VERY reserved on NYE. That's going to be a challenge, i'm not an alcoholic but i like a drink at the weekends with my friends. Though abstaining for a while is preferable to ending up in a funny farm i guess :)

I need some kind of machine to rig up to my right leg to harvest the energy from it constantly moving! By the time i come off these things the muscle will probably have built up so much in that leg i will only be able to walk in circles :D

[HarrogateChris]

happiness is what is seek :)



Thanks HappyCamper, that's very encouraging to hear. I have plans for 2011, just need to shake this black dog hanging around my neck!
...
6 months sounds like a frighteningly long commitment, but seems to be the minimal period from what i read.

Seeking happiness sounds like an excellent idea to me, it's too easy to go after things we think will make us happy in the future rather than see the happiness around us.

I can see you have no doubts that you will get through this bad time, that's great, but heads are funny things and slow to fix, so don't go giving yourself difficult deadlines for being better. Six months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, it took me longer than that to work out I was ill even though I was a complete mess!

Chris

[SanitySeeker]

Seeking happiness sounds like an excellent idea to me, it's too easy to go after things we think will make us happy in the future rather than see the happiness around us.

I can see you have no doubts that you will get through this bad time, that's great, but heads are funny things and slow to fix, so don't go giving yourself difficult deadlines for being better. Six months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, it took me longer than that to work out I was ill even though I was a complete mess!

Chris

I intend to try this whole positive thinking lark that i believe CBT encourages. It's just easier said than done though isn't it. I know i am unwell, i am also fearful of what the future will bring which doesn't help - I don't want to be hurt again.

I've just been sat having a (of course futile) thinking session. I had a very odd sensation, like cold water being poured over my brain coupled with an impending sense of doom. It's not something i have ever experienced, and i can't say it is something i want happening again. I wish i could just stop thinking about things, that there was an on/off switch, or a mute button. Maybe i am going mad.

Well, it's just gone midnight, I wonder what time i will sleep tonight. I wish i felt this awake in the mornings :/

[eternally optimistic]

if only, if only there was an on / off switch.

Incessant mind chatter and worry is soooo draining..

It is horrible.

It will go, if that is any consolation, and the citalopram will kick in, if they havent already...

I am really tired on mine, mornings HAVE got better though and I am not feeling bed bound like I was a week ago.

[SanitySeeker]

if only, if only there was an on / off switch.

Incessant mind chatter and worry is soooo draining..

It is horrible.

It will go, if that is any consolation, and the citalopram will kick in, if they havent already...

I am really tired on mine, mornings HAVE got better though and I am not feeling bed bound like I was a week ago.

Hey :)

How long have you been on them for and what is your dose?

The more i think about the thought thing, the more i think that depression is a disease that mainly affects people with a modicum of intelligence. I don't think the more simple of folk out there have the ability to think about, and over analyse situations. It must be a peaceful existence! Oh to have been born a simpleton...

[eternally optimistic]

12 days.

first 4 days, no change - good or bad, then day 5, wam bang, last day due at work and i was an a b s o l u t e b a b y, couldnt move off bed, it was pathetic.. really, went to docs and it was bad until last thursday. everytime i moved i felt a rush, i am sure all tablet induced..

mornings are iffy in as much that i am pretty exhausted but i am sleeping right through, like a baby again... lol

you are right, although not very intellectual (probably spelt that wrong), i do so wish i could be very simple and let it all wash over me....

oh to have been born a simpleton... many would say i am....

[HarrogateChris]

I wish i could just stop thinking about things, that there was an on/off switch, or a mute button. Maybe i am going mad.

I woke up one night and I started violently pounding myself in the head with my fists really really hard trying to silence my chatterbox. It was a terrifying experience. Not being able to escape the chatter is horrific. I'm not sure you can think your way through though. That's a reational solution, but at the moment your mind is in trouble and isn't behaving rationally. I wasted a lot of time trying to think a solution, but if anything the harder I tried the worse it became.

Without a doubt the cit has helped quiet my chatterbox a huge amount. The other big help has been the mindfulness (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showpost.php?p=771591&postcount=77) techniques I've been learning which have really helped me change how I see these thoughts and give me a way to deal with them.

The voice can be all but silenced and it's ability to hurt taken away.

:hugs:

Chris

[SanitySeeker]

I woke up one night and I started violently pounding myself in the head with my fists really really hard trying to silence my chatterbox. It was a terrifying experience. Not being able to escape the chatter is horrific. I'm not sure you can think your way through though. That's a reational solution, but at the moment your mind is in trouble and isn't behaving rationally. I wasted a lot of time trying to think a solution, but if anything the harder I tried the worse it became.

Without a doubt the cit has helped quiet my chatterbox a huge amount. The other big help has been the mindfulness (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showpost.php?p=771591&postcount=77) techniques I've been learning which have really helped me change how I see these thoughts and give me a way to deal with them.

The voice can be all but silenced and it's ability to hurt taken away.

:hugs:

Chris

Thanks Chris, i had actually seen you mention mindfulness in another thread. I'll have to look in to it. Any additional weapon in the fight against the chatter is welcomed! :)

Had an ok day today, left my house for the first time in 6 days. Drove to Brighton, saw a friend, felt good to be out and speaking to people. I have been getting cabin fever at home, and i think the cats are plotting against me :D Did get roadrage though, the cit has done nothing to suppress that! :blush:

Driving back to where i live in Kent tomorrow, that's going to be the real test. Being back in the house is going to be tough. Going out in the evening and trying to refrain from tipping copius amounts of beer in to my face is also going to be a struggle. Especially as the group of friends i'm going out with don't know about the cit.

[happycamper]

Hi SS,

I also try mindfulness techniques, never even heard of them until I realised I had this poxy anxiety 6 months ago. But I can see the benefits of it, although putting it into practice isn't the easiest thing in the world. Also understanding the importance of relaxation, go to a good yoga class and the relaxation at the end is beneficial, but again, having the discipline to do it at home is a different matter. Oh and plenty of blokes go to yoga, not just a mamby pamby girls thing....!

I've got to try and hold back tonight with the alcohol too, got an old school friend staying over for NY who can knock back loads and knows I used to be able to too - except the cit say no...!

Have a good time chuck... X

[SanitySeeker]

Well, last night couldn't have gone worse really. I am an idiot.

I ended up getting hammered. A friend of mine has been sort of seeing this girl, she is moving away in 6 months though so it's not a permanent thing. However, he likes her a lot. She was paying me quite a bit of attention last night, including grabbing my 'jewels' while i was stood at the bar. My friend lives above the pub. I went upstairs, she followed me, we hugged and had a kiss. Well, to cut it short, we got caught and i was made to leave the pub. I feel like a complete sh1t for doing it, i have never done anything like it in my life. Blaming the cit would be an easy way out, but i think this is a fairly good example of why not to drink on this stuff - this was completely out of character and i would normally never do anything that could hurt my friends. My friend has contacted me today and says it's all forgotten about, but to say i still feel bad about it would be an understatement.

Coupled with the above - I am now back in the house where all of my initial problems started, not in a happy place today. Can't even muster the energy to get out of bed :(

[lucyloulucylou]

i took my first citalopram this morning and have been panicing about the side effects and how long its going to take for me to get better :(

[happycamper]

Hey SS,

Well I wouldn't think much of the girl for doing what she did to your friend...

Have you explained to your friend about the cit? Maybe it would be a good time to do so if you haven't? Maybe he would appreciate the honesty more than anything. He'll prove he's a good friend if he understands.

Don't let the incident get you down chuck, we all make silly mistakes...you live and learn and it makes you a better person, although I still cringe to high heaven when I think of stuff I did in my teen and 20's.

Come on - chin up!

Clare X

[SanitySeeker]

Hey SS,

Well I wouldn't think much of the girl for doing what she did to your friend...

Have you explained to your friend about the cit? Maybe it would be a good time to do so if you haven't? Maybe he would appreciate the honesty more than anything. He'll prove he's a good friend if he understands.

Don't let the incident get you down chuck, we all make silly mistakes...you live and learn and it makes you a better person, although I still cringe to high heaven when I think of stuff I did in my teen and 20's.

Come on - chin up!

Clare X

Thanks Clare, i always have a shadow over me on hangovers anyway, the cit has made it 10x worse (i think i have actually learned my lesson about drinking on this stuff now though).

I really don't know what is going through the girl's head. I have explained to my friend about the cit and he has been texting to see if i am ok - he is such a good bloke and i really don't want to lose him as a friend. I know i have been an @sshole, but as i say, it is really out of character. I am hoping he realises that.

I feel like complete death - haven't been able to eat anything yet.

[SanitySeeker]

The friend in question has just been round. Had a long chat with him, he was more concerned about me than the situation. I really am lucky to know him. I feel a lot better now things have been discussed.

Just want this day to be over now though.

[mizfiesta]

Your friend sounds like a real gem. He clearly treasures your friendship and probably realises you acted out of character. Maybe it will also be a wake up call that he needs regarding this girl. If she was 'that into him' she wouldn't have been trying to seduce you.

I'm the same with hangovers also. It's a massive come down and I feel 'edgy' all day and spend most of it ill in my bed - like today.

I'm currently taking Mirtazapine but I'm planning on stopping them and am gradually tapering their use just now. I'm thinking of trying AD free and just reading lots of cbt books and see if I can use that approach.

Anyway, wishing you and all your thread posters a great 2011. We all could use a bit of luck right? Especially in the love department. Makes life a little easier eh.

[SanitySeeker]

Your friend sounds like a real gem. He clearly treasures your friendship and probably realises you acted out of character. Maybe it will also be a wake up call that he needs regarding this girl. If she was 'that into him' she wouldn't have been trying to seduce you.

I'm the same with hangovers also. It's a massive come down and I feel 'edgy' all day and spend most of it ill in my bed - like today.

I'm currently taking Mirtazapine but I'm planning on stopping them and am gradually tapering their use just now. I'm thinking of trying AD free and just reading lots of cbt books and see if I can use that approach.

Anyway, wishing you and all your thread posters a great 2011. We all could use a bit of luck right? Especially in the love department. Makes life a little easier eh.

Thanks, you're right he is a gem. The girl is just going to end up messing his head up i think. It's more a kind of 'friend with benefits' type situation, but he likes her more than she likes him.

How have you found Mirtazapine? I was going to discuss this one with my doc next week, it's supposed to be good for sleeping (i'm suffering big ime with the lack of sleep at the moment), eating (i have zero appetite and i'm getting a bit concerned about my weight loss), it's also supposed to have fewer sexual side effects (rather important!).

Some luck certainly would be nice. I can't help but wonder what horrors 2011 has in store. Positive thinking though right!

[mizfiesta]

I've only been taking Mirtazapine for six weeks now and already decided it wasn't for me. I am now cutting back. I know it's probably too soon to report any real positive effect on my mood, but the side effects are more than I am able to put up with. There is one really good thing I will say for this - which would be right up your street - and that is that you will get a fantastic sleep! I have never slept so well in my whole life and I will miss the benefits of that.

And if you are looking to gain weight then these will certainly do that! That's one of the main reasons I am stopping it. I gained around 10lb in 5 weeks! My appetite increased rapidly and I honestly couldn't resist the food cravings. I had read a lot about 'Mirt' before I started taking it and had read about the pitfalls of weight gain,:) but I thought I could control my food intake. Highly laughable and doubtful! Have you ever smoked hash? Had the associated munchies? Well it's like that ha!

I know that controlling the depression is important' but I like to watch my weight and have attended fitness classes for years to keep myself a healthy weight. I'm not prepared to put on three or four stone (that's what some people have gained!). It will play havoc with my self esteem! I am single and obviously want to attract members of the opposite sex. May sound as if I've got my priorities wrong but surely there are other meds more suitable for me.

So, in short, 'Mirt' should fit you perfectly. Don't know about any sexual side effects but I'm sure I read somewhere it doesn't affect performance though everyone is different. Let me know how you go :)

[SanitySeeker]

I've only been taking Mirtazapine for six weeks now and already decided it wasn't for me. I am now cutting back. I know it's probably too soon to report any real positive effect on my mood, but the side effects are more than I am able to put up with. There is one really good thing I will say for this - which would be right up your street - and that is that you will get a fantastic sleep! I have never slept so well in my whole life and I will miss the benefits of that.

And if you are looking to gain weight then these will certainly do that! That's one of the main reasons I am stopping it. I gained around 10lb in 5 weeks! My appetite increased rapidly and I honestly couldn't resist the food cravings. I had read a lot about 'Mirt' before I started taking it and had read about the pitfalls of weight gain,:) but I thought I could control my food intake. Highly laughable and doubtful! Have you ever smoked hash? Had the associated munchies? Well it's like that ha!

I know that controlling the depression is important' but I like to watch my weight and have attended fitness classes for years to keep myself a healthy weight. I'm not prepared to put on three or four stone (that's what some people have gained!). It will play havoc with my self esteem! I am single and obviously want to attract members of the opposite sex. May sound as if I've got my priorities wrong but surely there are other meds more suitable for me.

So, in short, 'Mirt' should fit you perfectly. Don't know about any sexual side effects but I'm sure I read somewhere it doesn't affect performance though everyone is different. Let me know how you go :)


The sleep bit gets my vote, i've been lying here for nearly 3 hours trying to sleep. Given up now, going to do some reading.

Putting a bit of weight on would also be good for me, especially coupled with the exercise regime i have been planning.

It does sound like Mirt would be ideal for me, i'm a bit baffled as to why i wasn't put on it in the first place to be honest. The doctor asked me what i would like, i said something to help me sleep, something to get my appetite back and something to make me happy! I know Cit and Mirt can be used together - i found this when i was doing my research http://www.choiceandmedication.org.uk/leeds/questions/771/ - the first bit relates to Cit and Mirt being used together to help sexual dysfunction. Sorry to keep going on about the sexual thing, but i am a 28 year old red blooded male. If that part of my life isn't going to exist, then i'm never going to be happy!

[abic77]

Hi all,

What a brilliant support network this forum is first of all! I had suffered (unknowingly) with mild depression for as long as i can remember with a constant black cloud of doom looming over me always. I had a very bad episode around 10 years ago, then around 7 years ago and finally easter last year. Ironically last year it was my boyfriend proposing to me that kicked it off. SO many feelings of worthlessness and OMG why does he want to mary me and he can do so much better etc! I had basically been living with horrendously low self esteem for years which made me behave in certain ways which then made me even worse. I would go for months of just crying and drinking and crying and drinking etc and got to a point last year when i didn't see the point in being here anymore. SO....that was when i went on citalopram 20mg on 1st June 2009 (i forgot it's 2011 now!).....for the first few days it was horrendous...no sleep, diahorrea (from anxiety i think) and constant chatterbox always...analysing peoples comments, text messages convinced that my friends had all fallen out with me but hey why did they want to be my friend anyway..etc ete). After 10 days i was feeling more positive (and less sick and anxious) but still very spaced out and like i was on another planet (depersonalisation they call it). After 3 weeks i was like a different person.....i was so upbeat and back to the happy person that i never thought i could be. Finally the black cloud of doom had lifted!
My point is...stick at it and it will be so much better in time (whether this is 3 weeks or 4 or 5 but it will get better!). I also can't comment about the trouser department BUT all i would say that whoever you're in a relationship with if they are a decent person (and lets face it you don't need to grief of someone who isn't!) will be open to discuss any issues....no doubt your partner may have her own issues or insecurities (all us girls do!)

Since i went on cit i stayed on 20mg the whole time and after 6 months felt ready to come off but the dr told me to stay on for minimum 12 months. So I got maried and had an amazing day and honeymoon etc then decided that the time was right to start trying for a baby. To do so meant coming off cit which i did 21 days ago. BOY OH BOY now that was an experience i would not like to repeat!

ONE PIECE OF ADVICE i can give to you all on AD's currently...if and when you decide to come of PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you insist on tapering off them! I have been thru hell for around 18/19 days of withdrawal and I have to say much of it i believe was due to coming off COLD TURKEY. DON"T DO IT!
Do some research, speak to a couple of dr's and make your own mind up but please please make sure you taper off....i made the mistake of taking my drs advise that i wouldn't have a problem seemingly because my dose is a low dose BUT it was awful.

DON"T GO COLD TURKEY! (do you think i have made my point yet???)

To Sanityseeker and others on this page, please persevere coz it's worth it.
Please seek counselling/CBT etc to understand why you do the things you do and accept that you will have bad days and that it's ok to feel rubbish and it's ok to feel a bit sorry for yourself. Accept it, have your bad day then move on.

If your chatterbox is too much then do one (or all) of the 3 things I did:
1. Buy a notebook and keep by the bed. Write your thoughts down. When they come back into your head for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time etc just tell yourself there is no need to think about it as it's written down. Eventually you'll stop thinking it.

2. Get into reading - before bed 20-30mins of reading a really good book will help distract you from your chatterbox (has to be a book you can lose yourself in). I can recommend Peter James "Roy Grace" novels.

3. Get some sleeping tablets to use when nothing else works.

Good luck all and apologies for such a long post. Let me know how you get on! x

PS a hot bath 45 mins before going to bed helps too.

[abic77]

I have realised I haven't really helped much with your sleep and sex thing so apologies for that. I really can't help with the sex bit as I don't know what it's like to be a red-blooded male so really will have to leave that for the boy experts on here.

Re the sleeping thing though i honestly think that if you persevere with the cit and do all the things they say to do to aid sleep and follow the tips i did then you will be ok in time.

I wish you well and please get some counselling for the thoughts that run through your head.

Also don't try to think about what 2011 has in store....2011 os 365 days and thinking about that many days and what they may mean or bring is enough to funk up anyones head....just think about the now. THink about what will make you happy today, what distracts you (distraction is a technique I learned thru counselling), acceptance was one to0 (I accepting that some people won't like me, accepting that i will feel rubbish some days, accepting that i cant/won't always perform etc and that actually it's ok!)

Read a book called "Manage your mind" by Gillian Butler - genius!

:-)

[SanitySeeker]

Thanks Abi(?), encouraging words there. I am feeling a little distressed today i'll be honest. The girl that caused this whole situation has just returned home, i haven't spoken to her yet - i'm dreading it.

Your point about not going cold turkey seems to be the general consensus on here - i will definitely take your advice and be careful when coming off them. I think i am going to be on them for the foreseeable...

I have spoken to my Dr about CBT, hopefully he'll be able to give me some more info when i see him next week.

Regarding the sleeping, i am getting so sick of this. It was gone 3 when i finally got to sleep last night, i woke up at 7, awake for a few hours then slept, then woke up at 11:30. I went to the pharmacy earlier and bought some Nytol, had to lie to the pharmacist and tell them i wasn't on any other medication though. Silly i know, but i am desperate for a good nights sleep. I have done some research and it seems others on cit use nytol.

I am so glad i found this forum. Hearing the experiences, and having the kind words from others really is an inspiration. It also gives me a place to vent.

Hopefully in time i will be one of the people that can say 'give it time' or 'i feel happy again.' I just wish there was a fast forward button (to go with the mute for the chatterbox!). Thank you x

[happycamper]

Hey SS,

Just wondered how it's going for you? Did the nytol help at all?

Clare X

[SanitySeeker]

Hey SS,

Just wondered how it's going for you? Did the nytol help at all?

Clare X

Hi Clare :)

The Nytol did actually help me sleep. I had a crazy dream though - that i went to see my Dr, he made me crawl under a building, in the space between the building and the ground. He was waiting at the other end, kneeling so he could look underneath. He then proceeded to ask me how things were going (with me lying under this building, sort of looking out and up at him). I told him i was struggling with the side effects, he just kind of sat there thinking. So i tried to talk to him and he just held his finger up to silence me! I must have woken up shortly after because i don't remember anything else, i just remember it being SO vivid and i really thought it had happened when i woke up! Crazy.

Today has been rubbish to be honest. The girl who caused the initial problem came back yesterday and didn't even bother talking to me, before staying out last night. Today i had a text saying she was coming home and bringing her new b/f with her. I can't deal with that, she knows i can't. So i had to go out, fortunately when i came home they had gone back out. It's such an awful situation, i feel like a prisoner in my own room. She had told me she was going to respect my wishes, all that has obviously gone to pot. It's apparent she doesn't give two hoots about my feelings. I am going to try and see the doctor tomorrow, then go and stay with my sister in London for a few days. The girl goes on holiday on the 15th, so i have just got to bear it until then. It is very difficult though and is hurting lots :(

How are things with you? x

[HarrogateChris]

It is very difficult though and is hurting lots :(

I know about that one, my best friend ditched me when I was rock bottom. I really cared about her. It was a deeply painful experience at a very difficult time. :hugs:

Chris

[themanofmoon]

sanityseeker et al its been good to read about your experiences. I started on cit roughly 3 weeks ago, on 10mg as 20mg was a bit too much for me (woke up at 3am after day 3 terrified the world was going to collapse!). Back on the 20mg now, been 3 days and am feeling some side effects again. Have a big cold too whcih is making matters worse- in fact, note to self, on cit use night nurse sparingly! slept for 14 hours last night :S

as for the alcohol, after new years I think I had the worst hangover for years. Not to mention Im not myself on this stuff when drunk. had the same thing as you sanity when I told my best mates girlfriend I thought she was really sexy. luckily, they took it as a joke, though im not sure I meant it that way...weird.

[happycamper]

Hey SS,

Oh yes, vivid dreams and cit go together I think. The one thing I'll look forward to when I eventually come off the stuff is a normal nights sleep and not feeling still knackered in the morning!

I house shared some 10 years ago with 3 other peeps, one being a bloke I then had a relationship with for a couple of years, he called it off but we still lived together until I couldn't bear it any longer and moved out, leaving London altogether, was also sharing with a good female friend of mine, so it was even harder to leave. But I survived, got over it and moved on, not the easiest thing in the world and I was deeply hurt. If he'd liked me enough I'd have stayed put I'm sure! If she won't move out would you be able to, to give you some sanity?

I'm not the best the last few days, feel really uneasy and anxy, but guess it's a combination of post Xmas/NY/alcohol/gloomy cold days etc....Back to work tomorrow so better pull my socks up!

Clare X

[themanofmoon]

Hi Clare,

Im the same about going back to work tomorrow, think it is the post xmas overindulgence that has something to do with it! night nurse again tonight i think...

I had to move out of London a while ago too under similar circumstances, back to my mums in fact. Seemed like a good idea at the time, how wrong i was!

Hope you feel a bit better soon, good luck at work tomorrow :) x

[SanitySeeker]

sanityseeker et al its been good to read about your experiences. I started on cit roughly 3 weeks ago, on 10mg as 20mg was a bit too much for me (woke up at 3am after day 3 terrified the world was going to collapse!). Back on the 20mg now, been 3 days and am feeling some side effects again. Have a big cold too whcih is making matters worse- in fact, note to self, on cit use night nurse sparingly! slept for 14 hours last night :S

as for the alcohol, after new years I think I had the worst hangover for years. Not to mention Im not myself on this stuff when drunk. had the same thing as you sanity when I told my best mates girlfriend I thought she was really sexy. luckily, they took it as a joke, though im not sure I meant it that way...weird.

It's exactly 2 weeks today for me, any positive effect of the cit is being outweighed by living in this house. As i have mentioned earlier in the thread, i've got another 2 weeks to 'grin' and bear.

Sleeping 14 hours sounds blissful to be honest! I'm supposed to be back at work tomorrow, but it's not happening. I can't see that i'm going to be able to until i get out of this house to be honest.

I have learned my lesson from drinking, i am going to be off it until i'm done with the tabs i think.

Hoping to see the Dr tomorrow...

[SanitySeeker]

Hey SS,

Oh yes, vivid dreams and cit go together I think. The one thing I'll look forward to when I eventually come off the stuff is a normal nights sleep and not feeling still knackered in the morning!

I house shared some 10 years ago with 3 other peeps, one being a bloke I then had a relationship with for a couple of years, he called it off but we still lived together until I couldn't bear it any longer and moved out, leaving London altogether, was also sharing with a good female friend of mine, so it was even harder to leave. But I survived, got over it and moved on, not the easiest thing in the world and I was deeply hurt. If he'd liked me enough I'd have stayed put I'm sure! If she won't move out would you be able to, to give you some sanity?

I'm not the best the last few days, feel really uneasy and anxy, but guess it's a combination of post Xmas/NY/alcohol/gloomy cold days etc....Back to work tomorrow so better pull my socks up!

Clare X

Thing is, the house is hers! She's my landlandy, though she is a year younger than me (before you get weird images of some old trollop!). So the option is, i move, or i stay and deal with it. Which i can't so i have to move. She goes on holiday on the 15th, i have the room until the 22nd, so i just have to last until the 15th. But that seems such a long way off. Going to stay in London to occupy some of this week, but next, i'm not sure. Might even go to my mums.

I was also supposed to be going back to work tomorrow, but it's not happening. I need to see the Dr again and get signed off for the remainder of this week, who knows about next...

Hope you have a good day tomorrow tho x

[themanofmoon]

It's exactly 2 weeks today for me, any positive effect of the cit is being outweighed by living in this house. As i have mentioned earlier in the thread, i've got another 2 weeks to 'grin' and bear.

Sleeping 14 hours sounds blissful to be honest! I'm supposed to be back at work tomorrow, but it's not happening. I can't see that i'm going to be able to until i get out of this house to be honest.

I have learned my lesson from drinking, i am going to be off it until i'm done with the tabs i think.

Hoping to see the Dr tomorrow...

Well good luck tomorrow at the docs, you might want to get something to help you sleep- my doctor prescribed me some diazepam to counter the anxiety at night..it kinda works, but im still having weird dreams.

As for the benefits, 2 weeks is not long enough to see them from what ive read, keep going for 4-6 week and you should feel a bit better. sorry to hear about your house situation dude

[abic77]

Hi SS again,

I'm sorry to heat that the girl is back...don't think i appreciated in your original message that she lives in your house. I don't know how long it will take you to get a CBT or counselling session but I would encourage you to have a look at the book i mentioned above (Manage you Mind - Gillian Butler & Tony Hope)....really has helped me and there are some good sections on loss & bereavement, blame, anger, sexual function etc. which may help you rationalise and compartmentalise some of your thoughts. I can't pretend to imagine how you feel but whatever you feel is normal and just needs to be managed in the right way...it's just for you to get that help may take some time (or not? i don't know) so may be worth a look.

Glad you got a better night sleep the other night....3 more tips (which I actually thought about telling you about when i was in bed not able to sleep!):

1. Tell yourself it's ok not to sleep....i think sometimes we work ourselves up SO much TRYING to sleep that you effectively stop yourself from sleeping through anxiety. Lie with your eyes closed and just say "i'm not bothered if i don't sleep i'll just close my eyes instead"

2. While doing the above, imagine you are in a black room (or a white room) with nothing on the walls...just a plain white room. Thoughts will immediately start to come into your head but as they do tell them to go away and that "now is not the time to think about you, I will think about you tomorrow"....do it every time without fail. DOn't let the thoughts into the room. Keep telling them to go away. Only YOU allows you to think the thoughts you think. If you don't allow yourself to think them then they can't get to you! It really is that simple when you start to do it.

3. Alternatively if it is something that won't go away then allow your self 3 minutes to think about it and then put it in a box until another time. I swear once you get the knack of these techniques you will be so much happier.

Same applies to daytime when you have thoughts (be it good, bad, sexy, ugly, whatever)....if something is playing on your mind then allow yourself a pre-determined amount of time to think about that thing and then put it in it's box for another time.

Try it for a few days and tell me if it works!

Enjoy the dreams....they are only dreams (seriously half my life i don't even know to this day if certain things happened or not....it doesn't actually matter though!)

Please let me know how you get on!

Abi x

[mizfiesta]

Hi guys,

SS there will come a time when you can look at this girl and wonder why she had such a destructive impact on you, but right now I can understand how you feel. Love hurts. You need to avoid her like the plague! Stay away as much as you can while she's at home.

I'm still tapering the Mirtazapine (down to 7.5mg daily). I feel like crap today though. I'll see my GP on Thursday and no doubt she'll kick my ass for deciding to stop the 'Mirt' without any input from her - but I simply refuse to end up fat and 40! 10lbs in five weeks and I'm only five foot four!

Hopefully she'll suggest an AD where weight gain is not ALWAYS a side effect. I've read that Citalopram not too bad weight gain wise. I know my mental health is important but so is my self esteem. Right, rant over, phew :scared15:

[SanitySeeker]

Hey guys, just a quick check in. I've had to come back to my mums again, being in that house was cutting me up. I'm off to London to spend a few days with my sister today doing touristy things to try and take my mind off this. I'll respond to your posts when i get home (not sure whether i'm coming back tomorrow or Friday yet). Take care, and thank you so much for writing to me xxx

[SanitySeeker]

Hey all, i'm now on day 26. Feeling slightly better in terms of anxiety and general depressive moods. However, i am still suffering with my sleep. Taken a diazepam and 2 nytol to try and get to sleep tonight, hope it works because i really need to start functioning in normal hours - not vampire hours!

The good news is that i can now eat, i have been shovelling the contents of my mothers fridge in to my face at a rapid rate :)

I'm seeing my Dr on monday, going to raise the sleeping thing and the sexual thing as issues. I will never be happy if i can't enjoy sex!

There is another issue, at the moment i feel like i just don't care about anything. I can't feel any enjoyment. I have little motivation, and frankly i am struggling to find a point to everything. The plus side is that most of my crappy thoughts have disappeared, but i need a kick up the backside - being so tired i am half comatose during the day doesn't help. I think i'm going to try taking the tabs in the evening instead of the daytime.

x

[happycamper]

Hey SS,

Good to hear things have improved somewhat for you.

The things you mention I too have shared. Sleep has improved greatly as time has gone on, not 100%, don't think that'll come back until I stop taking the cit, however, continue to be knackered every morning, but the time of year doesn't help either. I take mine on an evening.

Yup, appetite a little too healthy, last winters jeans no longer fit...ooops...

Know what you mean about lacklustre. I felt emotionless and numb, however think that has improved with time, unless I'm just used to feeling that way...but if I do, it doesn't bother me any more at least.

Maybe when Spring arrives and this miserable dark winter makes an exit, the tiredness and lack of motivation may also start to go too. Fingers crossed. X

[SanitySeeker]

Hey SS,

Good to hear things have improved somewhat for you.

The things you mention I too have shared. Sleep has improved greatly as time has gone on, not 100%, don't think that'll come back until I stop taking the cit, however, continue to be knackered every morning, but the time of year doesn't help either. I take mine on an evening.

Yup, appetite a little too healthy, last winters jeans no longer fit...ooops...

Know what you mean about lacklustre. I felt emotionless and numb, however think that has improved with time, unless I'm just used to feeling that way...but if I do, it doesn't bother me any more at least.

Maybe when Spring arrives and this miserable dark winter makes an exit, the tiredness and lack of motivation may also start to go too. Fingers crossed. X

Hey :)

I'm still back at my mums, going back to 'the' house on Sunday, hoping to get a new place sorted on monday or tuesday.

Today i had a good day, went out for dinner with my aunt and mum, was really nice. I am kinda measuring my days in terms of the number of smiles i have, like looking at a car in terms of miles per gallon. It's smiles per day (maybe it should be smiles per milligram of cit!).

I made the mistake of falling asleep earlier though. Now i can't sleep, despite having too nytol. Not mixing them with diazepam again it made me too groggy today.

Anyway, hope you have had a good day. I'm going to do some job hunting i think, enough to send anyone to sleep :) x

[heavenly]

Today i had a good day, went out for dinner with my aunt and mum, was really nice. I am kinda measuring my days in terms of the number of smiles i have, like looking at a car in terms of miles per gallon. It's smiles per day (maybe it should be smiles per milligram of cit!).


That's a great idea, I take things one day at a time and thank my lucky stars every evening if I have had a good day, I appreciate it so much now!

I am glad you are feeling ok. :hugs:

[SanitySeeker]

That's a great idea, I take things one day at a time and thank my lucky stars every evening if I have had a good day, I appreciate it so much now!

I am glad you are feeling ok. :hugs:

:)

Went to the Docs this morn, he's just suggested carrying on for another few weeks and seeing if the symptoms lessen and my mental state continues to improve. That will be 6 week, by which time i should be feeling the full effects.

I came back to my house today, which was unpleasant, but the girl is on holiday so i haven't had to see her. I'm going to see some rooms tonight, so hopig i can get out of here asap. My other housemate is also moving out because of her behaviour. That has kind of made me happier in a morbid sort of way!

Fingers crossed for the rooms i'm going to see! X

[SanitySeeker]

Oh yeah, got signed off for another 2 weeks too. Not ideal, but will give me time to sort my head out once i'm out of this situation.