View Full Version : The only way is up...
Hannahlou84
23-03-06, 18:15
It's a whole pile of things I have been worrying about or panicking about and it all seems out of control. The panic has worn off with some of it and left me feeling low- and the things I was worrying about, I am now angry about.
I have been feeling panicky and scared about the idea of doing a PGCE this year, because it is just a really daunting prospect- and now I just feel like I shouldn't bother, the fear has just left me unmotivated.
Same with my dissertation- it's a mess, and I can't persuade people to read it for me and see if it makes any sense because it is just so dull.
Also, feel a bit crappy about other people. I am just really frustrated that I along with many others have to muddle my way through and keep going no matter what- whereas some people have all the support, half the issues, more time and resources to sort them and they still just won't do that little bit more- yet still end up being able to survive or whatever- that's two instances in the last three days. I keep crying over it for no reason- and I just feel really rubbish for being so horrible. I do keep wondering why I am bothering when it would be so much easier just to give into the negative feelings.
Sorry- this really isn't helped by the fact I feel so unwell.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Sorry you are feeling low and not very well either. There are a lot of bugs around at the moment. Are you eating at the moment?
Could one of your lecturers help with your dissertation?
It is natural to compare help others are getting when you are trying to struggle on without much support. Have you heard from your therapist recently?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
23-03-06, 18:35
I'm not eating much atm- I feel too unwell. Spinning sensations and nausea don't mix well with food. Apparently it's some viral thing that should go away- she didn't get to see my weight or whatever as I wore a lot of clothes [:I]
My lecturers aren't allowed to look at my dissertation. It's against regulations. My mum is having a read, I need to get some more people, who aren't completely dense to read it.... I'll ask one of my friends parents too.
I heard from El, and she has been her usual wonderful self, shame the positivity doesn't rub off!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
There is a virus going round at the moment but I am more concerned about the fact you were not really eating prior to this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">she didn't get to see my weight or whatever as I wore a lot of clothes [:I]</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Was this your doctor at uni or at home? Did you mention the eating problems at all?
Glad you heard from El.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
23-03-06, 19:13
I've been to see my doctor at uni. No, I didn't mention my eating issues.
I didn't think it was relevant.
I can't stop crying.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
23-03-06, 19:36
...also, I lied outright when she asked me about food. I know it's not that that's causing this though, and didn't want her to think otherwise. I know I shouldn't have, but where do you even start? I can't put it into words.
I am such a failure.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
You are not a failure Hannah. It took me months to seek help and even then it was with a lot of encouragement and support.
Why not prepare something in writing to take with you to the doctor? You've explained well to me in writing what is happening and admitting to yourself and asking for help from your doctor is the next step.
I know you can do it.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
23-03-06, 19:51
I'm not comfortable with discussing that issue at the moment- I don't think- and I don't want constant questioning about- I am sure this how everything else got so out of control.
I think she's going to be cross with me.
I wish I could let the things that have bugged me go- but I can't- and I want to email one of the people and let them know how stupid I think they've been. The other person can't be spoken to as her parents are here, and it's semi about that. I just feel trapped. Why am I so horrible? I am just getting more and more worked up about these things, and it's making me feel low.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
24-03-06, 00:01
I am really struggling not to indulge in destructive behaviours (made a little easier by having no door on the bathroom atm). I don't understand why my feelings are making me respond like this. They can't be normal- panic was preferably- I need something to cling too.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Keitharcher
24-03-06, 19:53
hannahlou
Soory to hear you are having a rough patch at this time maybe i can help a little, i am a univiversity levturer and would be quite willing to read your dissitation for you, I may not be able o help on the subject matter as i dont know what course you are taking, but I will read it for you
Keith
Hi Hannah
Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment, all of us with 'issues' find it so hard when there are so many bugs around as well...
Remember it is usually the things we do NOT want to talk about that we really NEED to talk about lol!!!
Take whatever help is offered to you hun and try and take care of yourself as much as you can.....
You CAN get through this...
Good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hannahlou84
24-03-06, 21:59
Hi guys,
Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.
Fee: You're right- it is always the things we try to avoid that need talking about, it's just so hard finding "how". Maybe this is why I am so upset by the other stuff, because it just seems to rubbish everything else. Who knows.
Keith: Thanks very much for the kind offer. Are you sure? I will PM you. It's just a case of seeing each little bit makes sense rather than fundamental flaws, but it's that that is worrying me!! That and I was told my conclusion soounded like an introduction in the first draft- it doesn't now, but am still not convinced!!
Thanks again- I am trying to be positive this evening after a rather weird and horrendous day.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannah
Thinking about you and how well you are doing.
You worry about yourself and not the others. We will help you all we can and you will get there hun.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Hannahlou84
24-03-06, 23:58
Hi Sal,
Thanks for saying I am doing well.. it means a lot, though I am not sure how you can possibly believe it!
And thanks for the support. I am trying to stop fussing about others and their problems- just a bit hard to change yet another habit of a lifetime!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
It is another habit we gain whether ill or not it is natural to worry about others. But you need to think about yourself and to see what i see that you have coped and still are. We are the first to knock ourselves before anyone else is given the opportunity.
I am here for you if you ever want to talk or pm me. You are not alone and i think you are doing really well hun.
Big hugs to you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 17:49
Thank you, Sal, I wouldn't want to inflict myself on you, hon!!
I am feeling rubbish again today- was OK yesterday, rather panicky, but OK, and today I just don't want to fight anymore. I don't understand it really. I just wish I could fix it- and stop crying for like more than 5 minutes.
It's still over similar issues too, I think.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 23:04
As soon as I stop panicking I start crying. I've messed everything up so much. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's OK.
I don't think I can cope anymore, I don't have the energy. Just don't know where to turn next really.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
sorry to read your feeling so bad, hugs for you. im sure everything cant be messed up that badly, do try and talk about whats going on with you, it might help you to cope better. you take care .. andrew
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 23:23
I'm just really scared. I don't feel in control of anything. I am eating too much, not doing enough work, and generally being rubbish- it's my own fault I'm not any better.
All that's going around in my head is that I have no way to make this better- and it's scaring me and making me wish I wasn't here anymore.
Sorry, I don't want to moan.
Thanks for the reply, Andrew.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Sorry you are feeling bad tonight Hannah.
I know it isn't any consolation but you've pretty much summed up how I feel too.
Lets hope tomorrow is better for both of us.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 23:29
Thanks Karen.
I don't mean to be defeatest, but Mondays are never any good for me, will probably be better off just giving up and staying in bed- especially as I was meant to be enlightening my head of year on my circumstances tomorrow. Am scared to email too- because I won't see her reaction. [Sigh...]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
you're just being overwhelmed by your anxiety and depression. easier to say, than to control. dont turn it in on yourself.
i think your doing really well, you've been struggling badly since before xmas, but your still there fighting. you can only do your best with your studies, and however much it is, its just gonna have to be good enough for today. you're a fighter, you seem smart enough, its only a matter of time before you turn this slump around.
im pleased to hear your eating. your eating disorder might think its too much, dont let it be the loudest voice .
and i hope tomorrow is a better day for you and karen, tc both .. andrew
Hannahlou84
30-03-06, 18:31
I feel so crap. So alone. So desperate.
Please help me... I'm scared.
It just all seems to have gone wrong!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
What's up Hannah? Has anything specific happened?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
30-03-06, 19:18
No it had all been going well.
Everything was kind of OK for me, a few low moments, mainly at night, I few panicky moments, but I ride through them. Now I am just too tired to keep making the progress. I haven't made myself sick in a fortnight and cut once in two months, and I don't know how to cope instead- and I haven't heard from El properly since Saturday, and I'm not dealing with anything properly and don't know how too.
[Ugh]
I just don't know how to stop myself feeling so bad, and I am scared I will end up how I did at beginning of month again, and there will be little to stop me.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
30-03-06, 19:26
That and we're all out tonight and I look too fat in all of my clothes. Wish I'd stuck with how I was doing things. Not that anybody told me to make the changes. Maybe I have done it wrong. I am just scared of disappointing everyone, especially El.
My mascara is all over my bloody face too.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannah, it sounds to me like you are doing very well and we all get times when it gets a bit much and we feel we can't cope. But you have been coping and very well too.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I haven't made myself sick in a fortnight and cut once in two months, and I don't know how to cope instead</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well done. This is a great achievement. Just keep taking each day at a time. It is hard when our usual coping mechanisms are taken away and this is the time when you do need some help to develop more healthy ways of coping. I'm struggling with this myself at the moment.
I realise it is hard to recognise but I am sure you do not look fat and this is part of the eating disorder. I had this same discussion with Becky today and I know for a fact that your BMI is much lower than mine. Keep reminding yourself that it is the eating disorder and not the truth about you.
Hope you are able to enjoy yourself this evening.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
30-03-06, 19:46
Thank you. Though the fact that I haven't been sick (intentionally) doesn't mean I have been eating all the time, but then I can't do it all at the same time.
If you could see me at the moment you would probably tell me never to eat again- I look bloody horrendous. Just feel like a biffer, which isn't helping my mood, obviously.
I need to hear from El about what to do to cope in order to enjoy tonight. Though as I am going to be drinking I should at least get a good nights sleep!! Will be hard as I was using alcohol and tablets to cope too... It's crap though, I try and make the changes and I can't trust my therapist down here enough to tell her I was indulging in those behaviours in the first place, and El doesn't seem to realise the extent of it all atm.
Couldn't feel more alone if I was on an island. Doesn't help with my housemates nagging about food etc.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I thought you had explained it all to El. Maybe you need to keep stressing how much of a problem this is.
You do know that using alcohol and medication to cope will not help and will makes things worse in the long run. Have your eaten today? It will be even worse to drink on an empty stomach.
It is not true about your size but I do understand your thoughts about this as I feel this way about myself and it is much more likely to be true in my case because of my weight gain.
I doubt your housemates mean to nag about food but are possibly worried and don't know how to help.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 03:33
Hi Karen,
El does know everything about my situation, generally, just the little things like when I am not coping that take longer, because I am very reluctant to email and say "Please help me", because it just prevents proper responses to other things- that and I email far far too much. I have tried again with "I am doing all these good things, and they make me feel worse, and I am scared because I don't know how to cope with them". We'll see, I guess.
Had a bit of an allergic reaction this evening (I think it was something in the VK), as it often makes me itch, but gave me a temperature today after less than one and it felt like my bones were burning, still very hard to swallow- kept drinking water, but think left it well too late for anti-histamine as feel rather rough.
I did eat today (well yesterday, yeah). Had chilli for tea..
You would be surprised at how fat I look, tbh. I hate my figure, certain aspects just make me look generally fat- and I hate it.
My housemates do mean to nag, and it's getting on my nerves- been a bit of an atmosphere here recently- just tried to discuss it, but i had nothing to add, it's things that aren't going to change that are getting to me- that and I feel generally rubbish, so am not in a postion to comment.
Just wish it was the Easter break now- I am worried it is going to be hell for my brother here next week, poor soul.
I wish I could sleep!!!!
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Han
How you feeling today hun. I hope you managed to get some sleep. Thinking about you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 10:09
Hi Sal,
Thanks.
I've had a little "drugged" sleep, bit nothing more. Need some proper sleep. I'm not feeling any better today really. I need to get away from here really badly. I don't know what to do with myself atm, and my poor little brother is down here tomorrow for the week.
I don't think I can deal with it, and I'm scared.
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I hope you manage to get some proper sleep. I hardly slept at all last night either and it doesn't help when you feel pretty crap anyway.
Hope El replies. I am getting very frustrated about the lack of actual practical suggestions and help from people at the clinic about bingeing. I'm seeing my doctor this afternoon and then the dietician - if my appointment with the doctor doesn't run too far behind. So I do understand what it's like when you try to do all the right things, still struggle and there is no help.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You would be surprised at how fat I look, tbh. I hate my figure, certain aspects just make me look generally fat- and I hate it.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I still think this is part of the delusion of the eating disorder. People keep telling me I look 'healthy' but I believe I look hideously fat.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 11:54
Hi Karen,
No, I haven't had any more sleep yet- and I have no idea how I am going to cope with having my brother here for a week- as he's going to need my attention, and I need to be nice, and it's hard to even feel nice in this house at the moment-it seems as soon as most people are comfortable others decide they aren't. Bloody house sharing!
I am not really expecting a reply from El anytime soon, I had two emails yesterday- so I would be really surprised. I want to talk to her on the phone, but am too scared to just ring without asking first, that and I think I will just cry, so it will be a pointless phone call.
Good luck with the dietician, maybe she is the best person to ask about the bingeing? You are doing really well hon, just been a bit difficult this week, that's all.
I'm still not convinced my behaviour is repetitive enough to be considered to be an eating disorder- I don't meet a lot of the criteria for either bulimia or anorexia- maybe it's just another "phase". Ugh!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 20:44
Feeling quite desperate tonight and have resorted to purging again. I don't know how I am going to tell El, and I am feeling very bad about myself at the moment. I hate being bullied into things I can't cope with. If it's just cake, that's fine, but not a whole calorific meal. I haven't stopped shaking in hours.
I just can't do anything right.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Don't give yourself a hard time for purging. I know how addictive this kind of behaviour is, particularly when you feel you have had control taken away.
What is it about have a 'meal' as opposed to cake that you find difficult. Was it a high calorie meal or more that you don't feel able to eat proper meals?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm still not convinced my behaviour is repetitive enough to be considered to be an eating disorder- I don't meet a lot of the criteria for either bulimia or anorexia- maybe it's just another "phase". Ugh!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 31 March 2006 : 11:54:43</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Most people do not fit neatly into either of those 'labels' and there are other categories of eating disorder. It doesn't matter really which one or more you fall into - as from what I've read a lot of people experience aspects of a number of different types at one time or another - the fact is that you do have a problem with food/eating and your view of your weight. Purging is also something that people without eating issues don't do.
I think once you accept that this is an eating disorder it becomes a little easier to accept that you need some professional help with it. Recovery is a whole other matter and I can't say that it is at all easy. I am struggling so much at present.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 22:20
Hi Karen,
I can cope with a meal. I can cope with eating junk/pudding but not both within a short period of time- and I don't really think that is that abnormal- maybe it is.
All of the meals there were highish in calories, like the "healthy" appearing ones with different sauces ended up being a butter based sauce.. [:O]
I hate myself so much right now, I feel like I have failed myself more than other people, which is a first. I can't admit I have a problem because then it becomes "public". I am dealing with how I feel by drinking, again.
I hate feeling this alone, and I don't think it's going to be fair on my brother to have to spend time with me from tomorrow. I can't go back on it though. Not sure how I am going to cope. I do love him though.
"I'm sick of fighting even though I know I should..."
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 23:25
In a major panic, feel like everything is sliding away.
I know I need help. I just don't know what I need or what to say to anyone or what to ask for. Mum would go mental if she knew I was having problems with food again, the family were far from understanding last time.
I'm just so so scared. I can't even find the words to tell El how bad it is, and everything seems to go bad after a few days or longer of OK/positive moments etc... and I am scared that soon she will say that I'm no longer making progress, which will mean I can't see her... I feel like such a failure.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannah, acknowledging that you need help is a major step and a very scary one I know.
Just tell El what you have been saying here and tell her you would like some help with this. I bet she realises more than you think she does anyway. Asking for help is being proactive and shows that you are making progress. I am sure El won't stop seeing you all the time you continue to take steps towards recovery.
The only reason my therapist stopped regular sessions with me was because being honest I didn't want to recover because I knew that would mean gaining weight and facing a lot of painful issues. I had also dropped to a very serious state of bad health and I've only really realise how bad since reading something where K said she thought I was going to die.
Please do approach El for help now. It is hard when families are not supportive but you can do this and do not need to talk to your mum about it if you don't want to. Just reach out for the professional help that you do need.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
01-04-06, 09:43
Hi Karen,
I can't settle on a decision as to whether to or not it's a problem, because you know, sometimes it's not.
El knows most of this anyway- I just try not to send her needy pathetic emails because it just means it takes longer for me to hear anything at all- that and I worry about it the whole time after I've sent it.
El said there were two conditions to continuing treatment: honesty and progress. She did say however that she knows there are things I will say in my own time, and not offloading them straight away isn't not being honest- that and I make an effort to tell her a lot- but I am not worried about that one as much. It's the progress- I just don't feel like I'm making any sometimes, other times I know I've made heaps- but maybe I feel like that because it's been more than a month since I last had a session, and by the time I get to see her it will be the longest I've been without seeing her since I started- which is kind of hard when I feel I need her so much atm.
I don't know whether to talk to El or my doctor really - don't feel I can do both as I feel that somehow they are going to have different perspectives and ways forward. This is all just so frustrating because I just seem to have it under control, and then something happens and I feel the need to control "my life" again. [Sigh...]
Sorry, feel a bit [Ugh] today.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hey hannah,
just wanted to send u a huge hug!!! been readin over the pages and feelin for u very much!!! hope ur feelin beter!!! i think you should speak 2 ur doctor!!! hope ur doin better hun!!! thinkin of u
ammegx
Hannahlou84
01-04-06, 14:05
Hi Ammeg,
Thanks for the hug.
Today isn't really any better- am trying to sort myself out, but keep thinking about someone I shouldn't. Have only just managed to eat...
Just want to get away from it all. I am trying to word an email to El and getting nowhere.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Asking for help is making progress because you are acknowledging the problem. Try to write the facts to El about how the eating problem affects you, maybe write a list out first. That way you can prevent the email from sounding too needy.
I think it would be an idea to see your doctor too as it is important to have regular health checks when you are not eating properly and your BMI is low.
You are almost there I think in admitting that it is a problem and I know from your posts to me that you will be able to recognise the patterns the eating disorder is causing you to follow.
Well done for having something to eat today. Try to eat regularly if you can.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
01-04-06, 14:51
I've already asked El for help- back in January I explained the hows, whys and effect of it all. It's just I feel like I have it under control more often than not when I email or see her, so doesn't seem very relevant- and there have been more pressing issues. I probably made out weight was less of an issue than it is- but she also believes that my behaviour is an emotional response- and she's had me eating and not being sick, just sometimes I can't fight it anymore, I [b]need/b] to be sick. I even forced the reasoning of my conscious brain away last night, which I am really cross at myself for doing- there's no excuse, and it's taken ages to get to a stage where that part of my brain gets involved at all in such behaviours- so can't imagine El being exactly overjoyed.
I will try and talk to my doctor at home- will try and get an appointment the middle of next week for the following week when I am home.
I'm just eating crap today, because I'm craving it- am sure I will fantastic later...[8)]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
01-04-06, 22:30
Things are going OK with my brother.
I feel so out of control with the eating, even if other things are starting to fall into place.
I am emailing El asap, but not tonight, I'm too scared.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Glad everything is fine with your brother. Could be a good distraction for you.
I hope you manage to write that email to El today.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
02-04-06, 09:36
I'm just feeling so fake- like he's enjoying himself, and I'm not, and I feel horrible because I love him more than anything.
Realised last night how much I'm not over R and I still feel really bad about some of the stuff- but more angry and frustrated than anything.
I think I've got somewhere with the email- I'd rather wait though, I think.....
Just rather scared of what I'm saying.
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
02-04-06, 19:23
Please help me.
I can't stop eating and throwing up. Everything else seems to be going OK- but my control has gone out of the window, and I need to be OK for my brother.
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Try to calm down a bit. Do one of your relaxation CDs or find some distraction.
What advice has El given you about the purging? Could you make sure you are with your brother after eating and ensure you have company for at least an hour after eating. I realise this is very difficult for you.
Are you eating little and often as this would help you feel more in control again.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
02-04-06, 20:46
I can't get away to do a CD. I have my brother here, it's too difficult, it just is- I'm sorry.
I am distracting myself, but the feeling is so strong that even once the hour or more has gone I am forcing myself to be ill.
I am eating when my brother is eating (all the time) and it's rubbish, utter junk. I'll actually be glad to be at my seminar tomorrow, as long as I don't cry in front of everyone or anything because that's how I feel.
I am so fat and unattractive and horrible, I just can't cope with it.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I am so fat and unattractive and horrible<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 02 April 2006 : 20:46:51</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This really is NOT true and is just the way the eating disorder causes you to see yourself.
Have you sent the email to El yet?
Karen x
Hannahlou84
03-04-06, 08:32
It feels true. :( I need to change how I look to feel better- superficial but true.
I'm sorry.
Yes, I emailed El late yesterday morning and have been checking for a reply since... Need to email again and let her know when I am free over Easter now I know, but she will probably pay more attention to the appointment email then, and I don't want her to do that.
Hannah x.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I know you believe it is true but that's the delusion of the eating disorder and I also know no one will be able to convince you otherwise.
Hope you hear from El today.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
03-04-06, 18:27
I can't believe what isn't true. Just mentioned that one of my favourite celebrities has put on weight, and H started going on about how I can't comment on people's weight, and I should give her a break- the celebrity has said herself she has got fat (her words, not mine) because she is happy. Well, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'm not allowed to have an opinion!
Another disastorous day for bingeing and purgeing and needing people I shouldn't. [Sigh...] Nearly cried in my poetry seminar for no reason, and actually started crying in my media lecture- but it's the only time away from my little brother.
Just can't understand it.
Still waiting to hear from El, but she does tend to favour 8-10pm type responses.
How do you get out of this mindset? This is only happening because I am so anxious all the time, and can't find another way to deal with it, same with the depression- well, that's what El says, just can't see a way away from this atm.
Hannah
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
03-04-06, 20:45
Still nothing.
I am going to email again, but don't know how I can keep on like this. I keep feeling really faint and wobbly if I eat or not... maybe I'm ill? And cold.. so cold..
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Of course you are allowed an opinion, just as we all are but I expect you are particularly sensitive to weight comments - just as I am. Comparison and competition is all part of the eating disorder mindset.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I keep feeling really faint and wobbly if I eat or not... maybe I'm ill? And cold.. so cold..
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I think you could really do with a medical check-up. When my weight was much lower I used to get those symptoms and I was freezing even in the middle of summer. I can record only a few occasions last summer when I felt warm enough not to wear a jumper. Everything you are saying points to low weight and not eating regularly or the right kinds of things.
You will feel faint if you don't eat and when I fasted for some time and then had something to eat I found I still felt dizzy. Your blood sugar levels are probably all over the place and purging makes it worse.
Hope El gets in touch.
When will you be able to see your doctor back home?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
03-04-06, 21:09
Thank you, Karen,
H never lets me comment on everything- sorry, I did mean more with her than anything else, but I do feel like my views don't matter, a lot.
My weight isn't the lowest it's been that's why I'm not sure it's related.
I am hoping to see my doctor next week or the one after- I want to see El first, and ask her what she thinks, because I don't want to be trying loads of different approaches again.
I hope she emails soon too. :(
Must go back to brother, keep leaving him to cry- I am crap!!!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
04-04-06, 19:52
I'm sorry for constantly moaning.
Things just seem so bleak atm, and I know it's because my anxiety levels are so high, but I don't seem to be in control of anything at the moment. I hate this so much.
Have been rubbish to my brother, and am constantly eating or thinking about eating or getting rid of it. Still waiting to hear from El, and to say I am desperate is a bit of an understatement.
Anyone have any ideas what to do if you can't get hold of your therapist and you really feel as though you need them?!
Thanks,
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
04-04-06, 21:37
She didn't help me. El didn't help... I don't know what I'm doing wrong- I can't do this anymore- I need her to help- I don't know how to do it.
I told one of my housemates today- but she doesn't know what to do either. I am such an idiot. :(:(:(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
sorry to read you've been struggling a lot the last few days. hug for you.
what are you so anxious about? list the things that are making you so anxious. think of possible solutions that would ease your anxiety. have you got any relaxation techniques - use them. you cant always control how you feel, but you can try to control how you react. get that sensible brain back engaged and try not to let the feelings overwhelm you. stay positive, stop putting yourself down, you can get through this.
try and talk to somebody else.
you take care .. andrew
Hi Hannah
In what way do you feel El didn't help? Are you talking about the eating issues?
This site has some helpful suggestions for coping techniques:
http://www.norfolkeda.org.uk/media/part_2_recovery.pdf
Hang in there Hannah. I know it is difficult.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
04-04-06, 22:25
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for your support. OK... things I am anxious about at the moment.
1) Leaving uni and starting again
2) Surviving in the "real world"
3) Living without R.
4) Not helping my brother enjoy himself here
5) Upsetting other people in my house
6) Not being able to do my teacher training course
7) People thinking I am stupid.
8) People noticing I am fat
9) Putting on more weight...
you get the idea... I just can't see solutions to those things, not really.
I am missing using my relaxation CDs because my brother is here, so it's harder to calm down- need to get it on to MP3... might try that now.
Karen- Thank you too. That link is rather interesting....I've just gone beyond being able to do this alone, I think. El didn't even mention the food issue- and focused on how we're going to work on stopping the see-saw effect between positives and negatives when I see her. She also asked me some things I emailed her about recently- and I feel like she doesn't read them- especially as they were from emails she never replied too. I also mentioned that emails from anyone seem scarce when I am struggling- so not sure she will have liked that either.
I need to work on what the hell I am saying to my doctor- at this rate I am going to need an hour's appointment! I wanted to discuss it with El first, but not sure this is going to happen. I am so upset and can't do anything about it. And that is doing my head in. I also hate myself for emailing her straight back.... I'm evil though.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
hopefully you got your relaxation cd converted onto mp3 player and thats helped you out.
i dont usually opinionate but maybe this might help you. i think the first thing that would really help you is if you worked on your belief in yourself and your abilities. i usually read your posts and in general you are quite negative about yourself. and it is natural to be anxious about change and future challenges. and if your outlook about yourself is negative, then so will it be for your future and you will be more anxious.
ways to work to change this, get yourself an affirmations book, read some morning and night. end of every day write 5 positive things you've done that day. consiciously challenge your negative thoughts about yourself. this is not about how you feel, its about what you think - the feelings will follow. its not a quick fix, it will take as long as it takes .. but it does work. that will help with 1 - 9, but mainly 1, 2, 6.
i remember reading / learning some good information about 'acceptance' in a claire weekes book. you cant control how other ppl feel. and i know that doesn't protect you from feeling hurt, but maybe it will help you not to turn it back on yourself. 3, 4, 5, 7, 8.
and you are in the process of coming to terms with 9.
anyway maybe some of this might help. stay positive, you can get through this, you take care .. andrew
Hannahlou84
05-04-06, 19:31
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for your thoughts.
You're are right, I am rather negative about myself, and it needs to be changed- I am working on that with El at the moment- it is taking time though- I do find myself being more negative on forums etc because posting how great things are doesn't really get you answers to the things that aren't going so well- so I wait til things are quite bad, and then do it- which is daft because I just seem moody and horrible.
I already do a "positive book" though I have been struggling with finding things to include at the mo, as I haven't been doing much. Though I generally end up with at least 4 things, and sometimes up to 15.
Food is going bad today- can't allow myself to eat at all- have cried everytime I have tried, because I know once I start I won't be able to stop, and I don't think my body can keep taking me making it sick. Have been cold all day, literally shivering even when the sun was out and the wind had stoppped and my little brother and housemates weren't even wearing a jumper and I had 4 layers on... I think I'm coming down with something- which won't help.
I will hopefully find it easier to be more positive once I get some more feedback from El, and will certainly be more so after another session- this is the other problem- this is the longest time I have ever been without a session- so my mind is more than crying out for it. I will hopefully see her twice over Easter... so should be more settled for my final term.
Thanks,
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
The positive book is a great idea and good that you can find some things to write down. Poor self-esteem is something many of us have a problem with and as someone said to me yesterday, this won't change overnight but it is good to keep working on changing the way you view yourself.
Every time you have a negative though about yourself write down one positive though to counter-balance that thought. It takes hard work and persistence but you can get there.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Food is going bad today- can't allow myself to eat at all- have cried everytime I have tried, because I know once I start I won't be able to stop, and I don't think my body can keep taking me making it sick. Have been cold all day, literally shivering even when the sun was out and the wind had stoppped and my little brother and housemates weren't even wearing a jumper and I had 4 layers on... I think I'm coming down with something- which won't help.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I think it is the not eating and low weight that is causing you to feel cold. I have been there myself and last summer was wearing layers of clothes because I was always cold, even on warm days. I doubt it is due to 'coming down with something'.
I do agree about the effects of making yourself vomit has on your body. This is very dangerous and can cause lasting health problems. The answer though (as I know you already know) is not to starve yourself but to eat small amounts regularly. That will help prevent the cravings and out of control feeling of not being able to stop. Hard to actually do but it is true. I was having this very discussion with someone yesterday (apart from the vomit bit). Every time you starve yourself and then start eating again the body hangs onto all the calories and lays these down as fat in readiness for the next fast.
Have you arranged an appointment with your doctor yet? Perhaps you could ask her for a referral to see a dietician. Mine has been much more helpful and understanding of eating disorders than any other so-called professional eating disorder therapist I've seen so far.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
05-04-06, 20:03
Finding it hard to keep up with my book atm with nosey brother around- lol.
Have given in and eaten half a pizza and half an easter egg, which i promptly threw up. That was successful then...
I am seeing El on Monday- but am really upset about the length of emails atm, and the fact that she isn't answering anything. It's making me feel worse. Was just going to send back "Monday's fine" but thought better and added another sentence.
Still too scared to see my doctor, will ask El on Monday- it's sooner than I was expecting, I was expecting Thursday!
Just feel out in the open with it, and don't know how to cope. I can't believe how cold it is.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I still recommend you see your doctor because the purging can cause all kinds of health problems and you could really do with having a health check and blood tests.
The hardest part is admitting the problem. Your doctor sounds like she is very understanding and approachable and I am sure you are not the first patient she will have seen with these problems. Please consider this. You do not need El's approval to look after your health.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I can't believe how cold it is.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I still believe this says a lot about your physical condition Hannah, even though I realise you don't want to admit it. It really isn't that cold at the moment - and believe me I used to be freezing all the time before gaining some weight.
The pizza and chocolate are in the past now. Can you try something light to eat instead?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
05-04-06, 20:27
I don't even know where to start with my doctor- I really don't. I mean, what do you say?!
I'm always scared to drs without El's approval because I usually end up coming back with tablets that I eventually inevitably give into because I am stupid.
I can't eat anything light or healthy I need chocolate and cakes and crisps (which I have done the same with since, and another bar of chocolate). I am sure my body got to soak up some of the crap from that too, because I'm not sick until I am completely empty- because it hurts too much.
I'm really scared- and probably really shouldn't be posting this on a forum.
I can't stand the coldness, my nails keep going blue as well, which is, um, nice... I have been lighter than this though, so am convincing myself it isn't that as I've never had this problem before..
El emailed me back again, but just told me to keep my chin up. I must be being really useless if she can't think of anything to say. :(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I can understand it is difficult to know what to say to your doctor. Can you write something down to give her to read or to send to her prior to the appointment instead? All you really need to tell her is that you have a problem with eating, that you go through periods of either starving yourself, or eating and then making yourself sick afterwards. After that she will no doubt ask you questions and you can take is from there. You really don't need El's permission.
It is very unlikely you will be prescribed medication for this because medication does not help eating disorders. Tell her about your physical symptoms, although she will probably ask anyway. Also ask about referral to see a dietician and also to see someone who specialises in treating eating disorders. This could make all the difference Hannah, honestly it could.
Repeatedly making yourself sick is going to hurt. I only managed to do it once and it wasn't pleasant and I have to admit I have tried since. It is like the terrible stomach cramps I get from using laxatives, even though I know it doesn't get rid of calories. I still do it to myself and I want to stop because I know the health risks. It is a case of finding the right help.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">El emailed me back again, but just told me to keep my chin up. I must be being really useless if she can't think of anything to say. :(
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I think you are mind reading here Hannah ;). She probably thinks she will go through it all with you on Monday when you see her for your appointment. Maybe she is busy too. I get replies like that at times and I understand you feeling upset but it really doesn't say anything about you - it is just that you are filtering the reply with negative interpretation.
You can do this Hannah and I do understand how difficult it is.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
05-04-06, 20:59
I just can't find the words because half the time there doesn't seem to be anything wrong, and the other half I am so over the top and feeling crap and horrible that it's kind of laughable.
I didn't mean I would get prescribed medication for this, but I always get it pushed on me for the depressio/anxiety side when I go- and I hate that. It's sometimes even mentioned when I go about something unrelated. I am also scared she will be cross because I didn't say anything before- and have lied outright about it, too.. [:I]
I need El to help me with this... and I'm beginning to worry I am expecting too much- and it's becoming the same as it was with R.
I'm not going to email El again now before Monday- it isn't worth the "hurt" I go through expecting a response and then being disappointed. I don't know what else to do to get her attention- I am being honest with her, and that doesn't seem to be enough.
Nothing seems to be enough.
Thank you so much for replying, Karen. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
06-04-06, 11:44
Blow.
My doctor is still off sick. Feel kind of screwed now. I cried on the phone and the receptionist was actually quite nice and said I can try again the beginning of next week. She has been off months now.. [:O]
I feel like a brat- but I do hope she is getting better.... I know I only seem bothered about myself. [Sigh...]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
well its good to read that you are taking steps to change the negative opinion of yourself. keep up with the book as best you can. you dont come accross as moody and horrible, thats the negativity im talking about lol.
your food situation doesnt read very good at mo. im not sure how to advise you, other than to seek help. can you not see another doctor, in some ways it might actually be easier to say it to a new doctor. and yes the meds will most prob get pushed your way, but just insist that you to see 'specialist people' for treatment. its not gonna be a quick fix, no doubt you will have to wait ages, so the sooner the process starts the better. it is positive that you are trying to get this sorted, well done.
i do hope you move into one of those periods "where nothing seems wrong" really soon.
you take care .. andrew
Hi Hannah
That's a nuisance about your doctor. I know she is the only one you really trust but could you consider seeing someone else? I really don't think this can wait.
The times you think there is nothing wrong is the delusional part of the eating disorder trying to convince you to hide it and pretend everything is fine. I've been there and done that and know it feels easier to listen to those delusions in the short term. However, the eating disorder takes a greater and stronger hold over you until it becomes even more difficult to reach out for help.
Trust in us as your friends and the people who care about you. We are saying these things because there is a problem and you could use some professional help with it.
Your feelings for El are not unexpected because it feels to you like she is the only person you can hold on to at the moment, particularly after the way things ended with R.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm not going to email El again now before Monday- it isn't worth the "hurt" I go through expecting a response and then being disappointed. I don't know what else to do to get her attention- I am being honest with her, and that doesn't seem to be enough.
Nothing seems to be enough.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I so understand where you are coming from here and all I can say is that I've learnt that the more desperate I become for K to reply, the less likely she is to write to me. I suspect El is doing the same because if she replies to every desperate email, or even every email, it reinforces the attachment. I think you said earlier that whatever attention you get from her is never enough - and that's how I was with K.
You are seeing her on Monday and hopefully will get the chance to discuss all of this. Keep being open and honest with her so that she can help.
In the meantime, consider what you can do about the doctor situation and concentrate on getting through each day an hour at a time.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
06-04-06, 18:04
Hi,
Andrew- Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. I will keep going with the book sometimes I get ahead of myself and do extra pages and add positive things about me generally, or about my life, or something. That and I also write down the things that work with the negative aspects of my problem in the book, and refer to it for reassurance that things can be turned around sometimes. It really is a good tool.
Karen- I don't think I can go and see anyone else, no. I don't particularly like my doctor down here, and she is rather too associated with R for me to be completely comfortable- even though that was what I liked before. I find it really hard to sit in a room with doctors I don't know- and would be very scared of reactions- I just don't know how I would realistically be able to do this. I know I need more help, or at least someone to make sure I'm not doing too much damage and keep an eye on it- but not sure how I can do this when it has taken me as long as it has (since around Xmas) to convince myself to see this particular doctor. I hardly want to go and see the poor woman the minute she gets back either, do I?
I am counting the hours til I see El. And yes, this complete clingyness only really emerged when the thing with R completely blew up for me, so it is definitely related, though I think I was leaning on her more than I should've even before that- I just didn't see it, and she told me it would be OK too, so I guess I just did. I know she doesn't reply to everything on purpose- but you kind of get to the stage where you are so desperate for attention you'd consider saying anything- I haven't done that yet, but atm it's only a matter of time- but I hope seeing her a few times in the coming weeks will settle that. I'm not cling with El all the time, it's just the more crap I feel the less she replies- which whilst it may help the attachment it really doesn't help the specific situation much. But who am I to tell her how to do her job?
Sometimes I get so upset with it all that I don't ever want to see her again, and send really crappy email responses, she replies to them, but ignores the crappiness!! Think she might actually be somewhat closer to God than R ever was!! [:P]
Really tired today- have eaten a fair bit, typical amount of calories, and not purged yet- so far, so good!
Thanks for putting up with me!
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
07-04-06, 17:45
I have got so upset today I couldn't stick to the healthy eating.
I practically failed the essay I did at the beginning of the month- which is enough to upset me anyway as I spent ages working on it and was just too thick to get it. I'm also a little perplexed as last year if I had gotten into this mess R would've sorted it as my tutor, but I feel like I am milking the system and am relectuant to ask my head of year for help. I have to see her about the essay after Easter- we were meant to do it yesterday, but I emailed and said I wasn't feeling OK enough- and I am so glad I didn't.
Also my brother nearly got ran over, which just added to the day really.
Want to call El and big for help...but I don't want to give into that.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
try not to be too annoyed and upset about the essay, you've had a lot of other stuff on your mind. tutors get paid to teach and help - where does milking the system come into it. do go and see the head of year and try and get this sorted out.
try to set very simple targets concerning eating.
theres nothing wrong or bad with wanting help. i do hope that you try and widen your circle of support.
do take some time to do something that you enjoy, tc .. andrew
Hannahlou84
07-04-06, 22:01
Please excuse me for not venturing further across the board, time is as limited at my concentration atm.
Thanks for your advice Andrew. I don't know what to do re: the essay. I can't do anything at all for 2 weeks now, that's half the reason I am annoyed. I am just a bit reluctant to explain the state I was in during that fortnight to my head of year- I was experiencing quite scary thoughts at the time and actually went home away from uni... I know people who milk the system and they annoy me, I just don't want my head of year to think I am doing the same, even if she is taking into account what R has said before.
I am really trying with the eating- it's a little easier not to be sick atm because I have pulled so many muscles in the process.
I can't wait to get back "Home" I never, call it that, it's my parents, and usually the last place I want to be, but I am gagging to be back and away from this house- and as far from R and those temptations as possible.
Oh God, I'm mad.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
22-04-06, 15:22
Home didn't help- as I predicted.... though I had at least expected to see my therapist- who ended up cancelling an appointment, and then being too busy to see me- and then there were a few "cross" emails, (from me and her). I'm not so sure where I stand anymore.
In some ways I feel it has made me move away from being attached to her- but in others I just feel so lost and pathetic and horrible. I have decided after days of wallowing (she is away at the moment) that I will try and see her in between now and going back to Bristol again, (and can use the other half of tickets so it doesn't cost me extra, and I can justify it).
I didn't get to see my doctor either- but the receptionist mucked up there because she is back- and was booking daily- still didn't get to see her.
I fainted on the train on way back today, and have had loads of really bad cramps. I'm hoping it's just related to "girl stuff", but I'm a little worried about it. I feel so weak, and yet I'm trying so hard to eat etc.
Still need a way out of this- as other people aren't the answer. :( Even if E (one of my lecturers) has been nice this week, I haven't actually been discussing the issues at hand with her, just niggly things. I am such a loser sometimes. I just hope El will still see me.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Sorry you didn't get to see El or your doctor while at home and I hope you make it back to see one or both of them soon.
The fainting is of concern. You said you are trying to eat, but are you eating very much, or even regularly? The situation is usually pretty bad for fainting to occur. I never had that even when strictly restricting, as I did eat small amounts throughout the day.
Sorry I don't have any better advice for you at present as I am having an awful day myself.
Hope you've made it back to uni safely.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
22-04-06, 16:10
Hi Karen,
Thanks for replying when you aren't feeling so good yourself.
I am resigned to the fact that I am not going to see a doctor re: the eating "problems" until after 12th June... there is little I can do about it, really...
I am hopefully going to see El the week beginning 15th May (as have hospital week before, argh! and essays due the week after). Though whether she is free then, or if she will want to see me is disputable.
I haven't eaten that much today- but probably more than normal without being sick- it's all usually OK until not eating is combined with something else. eg. heat. Hopefully, it is just the cramps causing it or maybe something to do with the latest cold I have picked up this year...[Sigh...]
I'm sorry.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
22-04-06, 21:45
It's defintely related to the cramps! Maybe this explains my complete loss of faith in the last week or so? or maybe not...
I am thinking of finding out more about the implant- if it would be more benefical for my mental health to have it removed- if it will reduce PMT- but then if cramps are this bad with the implant- what will they be like without it? Would have to go to clinic to sort that too, and not my doctor- eep- and i had it fitted at home- so thet may not take it out...
I've run out of Valium... get loan on Monday though...
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
25-04-06, 22:30
Tonight is awful.
I am feeling really low and horrible- and keep panicking- and I'm worried there's something more wrong with me than I'm thinking- but it doesn't matter because I just wish I could get away from all this. I am terrified of wasting my life, and having to rely on my parents after uni- I don't want to be in that situation- noone should be- it's selfish.
I am just feeling quite desperate- I'm so scared I'm going to do something stupid- anything's better than failing in the way I'm going too. :(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
sorry to read your struggling, hug for you. talk about whats going on. not that sure what you mean, how are you going to fail? hows university going? try not to bottle up your feelings.
take care .. andrew
Hannahlou84
25-04-06, 22:50
Sorry- I'm panicking and probably not making sense.
Uni is going kind of okay- I handed in my dissertation today- so am a bit anxious about that, but it's the other essays, I am scared I will mess them up like that last ones, and one of my lecturers has been really supportive even though I am nothing to do with her- but there is only so much she can see- and talking to therapist doesn't help- because of course they're just going to say I can do it- and I'm not sure I can..
I'm not so much scared of failing uni as failing afterwards- I am not likely to get on the course I applied for because realistically I made the decision too late because I wasn't ready- but such is fate. I will be living with my aunt when I go home, and will have to pay my way- and I'm just scared I'm not going to be able to find a job- I mean will do almost anything if I have too- but I know that won't do my health much good and I want something I am comfortable with and I can get better with.
A few people I know just never did anything after uni and live off their parents or partners- and I just don't want to be like that- I know I am quite ill with this, I do, but I want to get better and move on- and i have to do things to do that. I am just so scared- and it's stopping me working on my studies and sleeping at the moment. I am also ill at the moment and anxious about the potential very minor op tomorrow to have the implant removed- I don't know why!! It has been nothing but hell!!!
Thanks for your encouragement and support to post again, Andrew... And thanks for the hugs...
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah, i hope this operation goes ok tomorrow, you might feel abit nervous, but im sure you'll be fine.
well not really wanting to lecture you lol, you can do the essays. take what support you can get from your ex lecturer and i thought some guy on here offered to help you a few weeks ago.
well until your told, your cant be sure that course wont except you. and your smart and determined, so there is as much chance as you being successful as failing, one day at a time is hard enough eh.
try and take care of your health and get some sleep. you take care .. andrew
Hannahlou84
27-04-06, 18:50
Hiya..
I never had the op in the end, bloody nhs- was a really minor thing but it is causing some pretty major symptoms.. Now rearranged for 22nd May!!
Thanks for your support, Andrew..
Am having another bad day. I cried in front of my lecturer today when she was being nice to me!
And I'm TOO FAT to fit in my jeans. :( :(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
crap that it was cancelled, but not too long to wait.
well you could always just buy some more jeans that fit you. if you wanna get back down to your previous size. why dont you try doing some type of exercise/ keep fit every day, or getting involved in sport. as well as burning calories, you'll up your metabolism which will allow you to eat more without gaining weight. and you'll feel better for it.
some more hugs for you. dont worry too much about the crying, its better out, than in. tc .. andrew
hey hannah,
sorry i haven't posted in ages. well done for handing in your dissertation. it's more than a couple of people i know did!
coming to the end of your degree is such a scary time and your fears are all totally normal. try not to be too hard on yourself - i recently quit my job but i had a really really good one for nearly five years. and that was after leaving uni with a desmond and then spending a year and a half mucking about doing odd jobs and watching lots of tv. so there's hope for everyone! a bit of time off after graduating might do you the world of good.
i also can't get into my jeans at the moment. bring on the top shop sale i say!
take care,
henri xx
Hannahlou84
29-04-06, 17:30
You're right Andrew, I guess I will just have to look at getting some new clothes- as soon as I get a job/money!! I can't see myself getting back down to my previous size- Having spent a lot of time fussing over it, it's more of a change in shape than a drastic weight gain- but I have been eating more sensibly, and purging less, so it's inevitable- just wish my therapist would get back to me and help with that one!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
29-04-06, 17:54
Hi Henri,
Nice to hear from you!
Thank you for your positive comments! They mean a lot- and I am trying to stop worrying about what next- though that is hard when you know you need a job to live, etc!!
Thanks for the reassurance- and I will be keeping a look out for Gap/Top Shop sales- because being a midget finding jeans in my size is a laugh!
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
29-04-06, 22:49
I have let myself down do badly tonight. :(
I just feel like I have noone. I have emailed El in desperation because it's all gone so drastically down hill, even though I thought everything was bad before. I knew I made the wrong decision coming back.
Nothing is helping-and noone is there.... it's all such a mess.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
whats up, whats upset you?? tc andrew
Hannahlou84
29-04-06, 23:14
Nothing in particular...
Have been having bad panics all day- and it all got just too much and done things I shouldn't and i need help... and i dont know where to go anymore- I feel like a burden on eveyrone.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
29-04-06, 23:40
I need to sleep so badly. I have taken triple my normal dose of Valium on top of the alcohol in the hope I can sleep... and stop panicking..
I just know this is going to lead to deeper depression tomorrow.. [Duh!]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
01-05-06, 18:51
I am relucant to post this on here, but I have nowhere else to turn right now.
I am feeling suicidal. There isn't any if or but about it. It's how I'm feeling. I have felt it to some degree for days, but now cannot think of anything else.
I emailed El, my therapist yesterday- and given it's a Bank Holiday will assume she hasn't got it. I find it hard to be explicit when I am feeling like this and don't want to send her a desperate email when 1) I don't know when she will get it and 2) because she is so far away.
I don't want ways to die. I want reasons to live. I just don't know where else to go for help. If I go see Carol (my therapist here) tomorrow as planned it will finish me off Please help...xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
There is no reason to feel bad about posting here when you need help. We all do; me probably more than most.
I am sorry you are feeling so low at the moment and I do understand how difficult it is to ignore those suicidal feelings when they take hold. However, K continually points out to me how this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - even if temporary for me has been rather a long time. I guess the point she is making is that we never know what is just around the next corner, or what the future could hold.
These feelings of despair are in response to your present situation and, from my experience of trying to battle depression and an eating disorder (among other problems) is that there are lots of ups and downs. It can be very difficult to see the ups, or even recognise that there have ever been any, but it would be such a waste of a life to give up now when you have been fighting so courageously.
I am sorry I haven't been around or replying as much as usual, as I've been rather self-focused and dwelling on my own issues but I care what happens to you, as do I am sure many other people here, and your friends.
What would happen if you were to speak to Carol tomorrow? Why would that make it worse? Could you ring El tomorrow if she is not answering emails? I know missing your last appointment with her didn't help.
You are bright, kind, caring and have a lot to give. I am sure others could come up with more positivie attributes - my head is rather fuzzy at present [xx(]. There is a lot you could do in your future and I truly believe that getting the right help and support now would enable you to to whatever it is you dream of doing.
When I was petrified the other day that I'd be admitted to the clinic, I was desperaretely trying to come up with something positive I could present to show how serious I am about getting better, just not by being dished out more pills or forced into inpatient care. So I spent time preparing a list of goals. They are mainly goals aimed at working on the problems and difficulties I have, plus a couple of long term goals for how I would like life to be once I have worked through the rest of the self-improvement goals.
Perhaps focusing on something like this could help. I don't know how to achieve these goals yet, but after having rather a bad and negative weekend, I now feel I have something positive I have worked on to take to the clinic tomorrow, which I can ask for help with to work through each one in turn. I am happy to send you what I prepared if it might help.
Keep going Hannah. You can get throught tonight. What about watching a kids DVD like you were suggesting to me the other day. Find something not too taxing to help distract and take you out of those thoughts for a while. I know you can do it.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
01-05-06, 19:24
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry. Don't worry about not being around- I know you have other things going on.
I don't meant to sound spoilt and horrible- and things had been getting better in so many areas. I didn't think I'd end up in the same situation as last year messing around with pills and generally wishing it was over.
Carol always makes me feel worse and I usually have to spend a few days sorting myself out afterwards because she just makes me feel so bad- and I would never be honest with her about the eating or anything.
I think I will try phoning El tomorrow- I just don't know what I would say. I am feeling so bad I would happily spend my whole budget for the next month on going back to see her whenever I can.
I am supposed to have Physio on Wednesday, but can't go because my wrists are such a mess. I don't want to ring up and cancel at short notice though.
I will work on the positives, yes, please, seeing yours would help. It's just so hard when I have work to do and can't do it- and I'm scared I'm going to end up stuck with my parents with no job forever and ever.
I need more alcohol. I feel so yuck from eating- I just wish I wasn't bothering, but then most people would feel yuck after nearly 3000 calories.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
You do NOT sound spoilt and I do understand how difficult things can be, particularly when you feel you have no support.
I can't exactly say much to you about the pills when I've just posted about how I am abusing them myself, but please be careful, and try to avoid adding alcohol to the mix.
Could you cancel the appointment with Carol if it makes you feel worse? There really is no point having counselling that makes things worse, which is what I finally had to say about what's been happening at the clinic for me.
I think it would be an idea to try to contact El tomorrow. You could tell her you are finding things really tough and the phone call is a follow up to the email. If you need a session with her that badly could you make it back to see her?
Regarding the physio, is that for the tendon problems? I am assuming you are talking about 'being a mess' in relation to cutting? If it would be too painful to have the physio then it is probably better to cancel tomorrow and rearrange, otherwise perhaps try and go anyway. I realise that will be difficult.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I will work on the positives, yes, please, seeing yours would help. It's just so hard when I have work to do and can't do it- and I'm scared I'm going to end up stuck with my parents with no job forever and ever.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
My list is kind of positive but more personal goals of the problems I know I need to overcome and where I would like to be at the end of it. In fact, maybe I'll post it on the forum so it will keep reminding me of what I am trying to achieve.
I empathise with the eating thing Hannah, as that's how I felt yesterday but adding alcohol won't help. I realise it is difficult but treat yourself gently tonight and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps remember the good advice you gave me yesterday, even though I was too caught up in the desperation of it all to follow it.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
01-05-06, 20:22
Hi Karen,
Alcohol is the only thing I have left that truly makes me feel better- I don't use it all the time, but right now it just takes the edge off.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I have been focusing on the positives so much in some ways that it seems like this has come from nowhere, but I knew it was going to end up like this before El couldn't see me over Easter.
If she can fit me in, then, yes, I can get back to see her- money wise it's not a good move, but I'm not going to lose anything else by going with feeling the need to spend all my time in bed at the moment. I don't know where else to turn.
I'm just not turning up to the appointment with Carol, if I cancel it she will try and rearrange it, and I can't and won't see her again.
The physio could be rather painful, it depends what they want to do tomorrow really- but I am more scared about them seeing the cuts- as they weren't fresh last time, and now they are- and I don't want them to think anything bad about me... I just didn't know how else to cope.
My advice is meaningless. I'm just useless. I'm sorry. :(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Alcohol is a depressant you know, so although it might help you feel a bit better at the time, it is likely to leave you feeling worse tomorrow.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">My advice is meaningless. I'm just useless. I'm sorry. :(</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is complete rubbish and not true at all Hannah. Don't keep putting yourself down. It is just very difficult to follow our own advice isn't it?
I have now posted my goals Goals (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=9825) if you want to take a look. Not sure if it will help you or not but I won't be able to get away with ignoring them now!
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
01-05-06, 21:32
I need the alcohol to take it away. I need to sleep somehow, even though my dreams have been horrific. I do know alcohol is a depressant, and sometimes it has that effect on me, but it is a risk I can take without people getting upset with me.
Just told my housemates I can't do physio and why. Have been dropping hints all night- but didn't tell them well and it sounded like I just want attention and when I tried to hug one of them after she pushed me away.
Just made myself some tea and left it on the side with the bag in it and milk out because I don't want it. I can't stand being with people, but can't be on my own and feel like it won't make any difference to anyone if I'm not here, which it wouldn't really- I would be easy enough to get over.
Still praying for an email from El- because I hate phoning her and know I will cry.
Your goals look very good and you're certainly half way at least to meeting some of them!
I just don't know what's next, so I can't do much like that atm.. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
02-05-06, 18:48
Still not feeling good.
I managed to force myself downstairs a while ago- and got hyperactive to hide how I was feeling and got shouted at, so came back up here.
Was also told I had to eat earlier- and whilst it had been what I wanted at 11, I didn't want it when my friend got it at 1, but ate so they didn't shout at me... and then ended up throwing it up. Annoyingly I will probably do the same with tea tonight as we are having pizzas or curry- and I will be told how much to eat. :(
I'm still trying to think of reasons to keep fighting and have found none.
El got in touch and told me she would email tonight though- I hope she is able to help, otherwise I just don't know what to do.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I hope you managed to eat some of the meal and to keep it down. Could you try a smaller portion and then avoid vomiting afterwards?
Have you heard from El?
Of course you would be missed so pleased don't talk like that. I've been feeling like that for several days now, following a series of events that have been happening. You know depression causes these feelings and things can improve again. Hang in there Hannah.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
02-05-06, 22:06
Hi Karen,
I only ate a third of the meal and then threw that up- it just felt so horrible and greasy I had too. I don't like being bullied into eating anyway- and it makes it a lot easier for me to be sick afterwards if I am upset about it- so my housemates whilst trying to be helpful are making things worse! [Sigh...]
I am repeatedly checking my email and hoping to hear from El as she promised earlier- she has a good hour yet within her normal time scale- I'm not sure how I am going to feel if she doesn't email as I am this anxious now- but I'm trying not to think about- and am just hoping it's because I gave her a fair bit to think about.
That's very sweet, Karen, but I don't do anything for anyone else, really- and feel right now that I am causing more grief through my existence than could ever occur through my death... I know that's a horrid thing to say- but I can't find anything positive to grab on- I'm relatively healthy, sure, but what's that when I can't enjoy it? It's all so double-edged. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
02-05-06, 23:18
****!!
Nothing from El tonight- I was relying on that to sleep. My friend has persuaded me to try and see the other female doctor tomorrow (as mine doesn't work Wednesdays) and try and get something to calm me down/help me sleep.
Recovering from a really bad panic- I was just so desperate to have some way to continue- and I thought the attachment was less... maybe it is, but am very scared she's never going to help me.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Morning Hannah
I hope you are feeling a little better and calmer this morning. It really doesn't help when therapists promise to be in contact and then you don't hear from them.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I only ate a third of the meal and then threw that up- it just felt so horrible and greasy I had too. I don't like being bullied into eating anyway- and it makes it a lot easier for me to be sick afterwards if I am upset about it- so my housemates whilst trying to be helpful are making things worse!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I do understand your thinking on this, as I need to be able to choose what I eat and when. It is the control side of the issue. It is like Annie (supposed to be head of the EDU) is very inflexible about diet and what food we should be eating, whereas when I spoke to Julia she told me it is much more important for me right not to eat regularly, even if these are my safe foods, so that I won't purge or feel the need to use diet pills.
Perhaps you could have a word with your housemates. Explain that you understand they are trying to help because they care but being bullied to eat doesn't help. Maybe they could encourage you to eat small amounts of the kinds of food you feel safer with and which you won't then get rid of by vomiting. Just an idea.
Are you going to see the other doctor today? It would be a good idea and she might be much more understanding than the other one. Could your friend go with you?
I hope today is better for you.
Karen xx
I am repeatedly checking my email and hoping to hear from El as she promised earlier- she has a good hour yet within her normal time scale- I'm not sure how I am going to feel if she doesn't email as I am this anxious now- but I'm trying not to think about- and am just hoping it's because I gave her a fair bit to think about.
That's very sweet, Karen, but I don't do anything for anyone else, really- and feel right now that I am causing more grief through my existence than could ever occur through my death... I know that's a horrid thing to say- but I can't find anything positive to grab on- I'm relatively healthy, sure, but what's that when I can't enjoy it? It's all so double-edged. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 02 May 2006 : 22:06:50</div id="right">
[/quote]
Hannahlou84
03-05-06, 09:12
Hi Karen,
Sorry, I'm not feeling much better this morning. After having days of one of my housemates erupting at me and generally because she left her dissertation to the last minute- I've kind of had enough. I mentioned this to one of my other housemates, who I am quite close too, and she has been pissed off with this other housemate for sometime- and her response: "I don't want to get involved". Involved in what?! Involved in the fact that I am upset? Involved in the fact that H is being a bitch- and it's not a temporary thing?! I'm just knarked because I have to put with everybody else's bitching- and I didn't even want to bitch- I'm just upset.
The food thing with my housemates never goes anywhere, when I ask it lasts three seconds- I have a day when I don't want anything and they practically force-feed me- which is pointless- it really is- except they don't seem to cotton on to that bit.
Had to phone the Physio and cancel because my wrist is still bad- made an appointment for next week- an appointment they offered me in the first place- so don't feel too too bad about that- and the lady on the phone was nice- but then I did apologise a lot- and sounded upset anyway...
Not brave enough to phone the doctors just yet... I don't know if I should.. I'd be surprised if I get anything out of them to be honest.
I need to hear from El too, but it would just be plain rude to contact her again really- not that her promising after a week of nothing- and with me asking her a heap of things isn't rude...even an "I'm sorry, I can't reply properly tonight, I will email ....<whenever>" would've been better than me checking all night.
Just feel like everyone is fed up with me and ignoring me and that if they keep doing it I might go away- and I just wish I had courage to do that.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
03-05-06, 10:10
I have an appointment for 3.20. Not sure who with, I know the name, but not someone I've heard of before- must be a locum, I guess- not sure if they're male or female though...
Listening to my Avril Lavigne album from a few years ago (the second one), and it's all still ringing true... not sure if it's making me feel better or not yet though.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Well done for making that appointment and I hope the doctor you see is sympathetic and can help.
It sounds like the housemate's eruption wasn't really aimed at you if she has been like it with everyone but maybe you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Try not to take it to heart. Remember you don't have that much longer of being with these people anyway.
I think the only way to deal with the food situation is to get tough and assertive. I know from experience that being pushed to eat gets me nowhere. I used to just refuse, but there have been times at the clinic when I've been forced to eat and that's what started off the purging.
They cannot force you to eat Hannah and you really need to do it for yourself. They might nag you about it but if the food is something you know you will bring up again by purging then there really isn't any point eating it at this stage. Be firm and say you are not able to eat whatever they are planning, but say you will have a different meal instead - whatever you feel you can manage. I know from how ill I have been feeling that purging really is very risky and can cause so many health problems, whether it be purging through vomiting like you do, or the use of laxatives that I've become caught up in.
A year ago I felt in control of this and even though I wasn't eating much, I felt fine and so much healthier than I am now. I just hope you are able to get some help before this illness gets too far out of hand for you again. I would hate to see you waste your life when you have so much you could achieve with the right help and support now.
If El hasn't been in contact by the end of the day, I think it is fair enough to contact her again. As you say, it takes hardly any time at all to send a quick email explaining that she is busy and giving an indication of when she will be able to get back to you. That's what I hope from Jill but I know she never has been good at answering emails and even less so when I am having problems and need a response. She'll only reply to positive news [Sigh...].
No one here is fed up with you Hannah. Post as much as you like if it helps.
I hope things are going well at the doctor's.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
03-05-06, 16:25
Hi Karen,
Thanks for still being "there". I know I am being a moany cow.
El replied at about lunch time, wasn't that helpful for now- but when I've got some sleep her list for each day idea may work- thing is, I do that anyway... maybe not in the right way. She should email again- have emailed her twice this afternoon [:I] though second time was after doctors- and have asked to see her- even if I have to borrow money to do it.
Doctors was pointless. He said from the onset he wasn't going to prescribe sleeping tablets- ended up leaving with nothing more than "look at resources on the internet". So that leaves me where?! I don't understand how I am supposed to do work when I am this God damn tired.
Feeling very fed up and wondering why I bother, really!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah,
Keep trying though ; )
Have u got a good bedtime ritual, like winding down for an hour before, things that u do so u know it's sleep time?
I get a hot choc and read for bout an hour then listen to relaxation tape....sometimes if i can't get to sleep i'll get up and look out of the window for a while and then go back again and that sometimes works.
Take care,
Sarah
Hannahlou84
04-05-06, 00:39
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for the encouragement, hon, much appreciated!
I do have a wind down routine, and certain things I normally do when I struggle to sleep, but none of them are working for this- it's been more than 2 weeks now and is making me too tired and "fuzzy headed" to do my work...
I know it's anxiety keeping me awake, but I can't control the anxiety because I'm too tired- and it got as bad as it did in the first place because I haven't seen El and had hypno for nearly 12 weeks... which is the longest ever.. before it was 8, and then I was desperate!!!
The doctors advice was to have more hypno and look at the section on insomnia at http://www.patient.co.uk which kind of demonstrates how much he listened, even though I reasoned I only wanted a few nights worth to get a routine back he wasn't having any of it..
In the good news... (through the desperation!) I am probaby seeing El in just over a week... even though she is really busy, as she is away for most of June (something i assumed, but didn't know) so defo need to see her now as can't go running to her when things go wrong when I go back "home". [Sigh...]
I'm sorry!! I'm drunk (again) should sleep some tonight and the next 2 nights for the same reason- I feel sick though!! [Ugh]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
06-05-06, 11:58
I'm feeling so bad and desperate again.
I need R for the first time in ages. I have to stop myself emailing my other lecturer before she decides she's had enough like everyone else..
I just don't know how to get out of this hole... I'm doing stuff- and things I need to do- but just too tired from the insomnia problem to deal with any of it.
Just feel like everyone hates me.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannahlou,
im sure everyone doesn't hate you.
do keep reassuring yourself that you can get through this even though you are feeling so bad. try and relax, do something you enjoy, watch/listen to stuff you like. hope you start sleeping enough soon.
tc .. andrew
Hi Hannah
Sorry you are still not feeling too good today. I'm not feeling at my best either.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just feel like everyone hates me.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 06 May 2006 : 11:58:46</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I thought we had this conversation last night ;) lol!! No one hates you. It is more a case of you struggling to like yourself, or at least I know this is how it happens for me.
Any news on an appointment to see El?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Hannah,
How have you been today? I noticed you haven't posted on here in a couple of days, just wanted to check you are okay,
Hope you managed to get some sleep,
Henri x
Hannahlou84
09-05-06, 18:16
Hi All,
Andrew- thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot.
Karen- Thanks, also. I got to see El yesterday in the end- which was a bit of a Godsend!!
Henri- thanks for your concern- I am doing a little better, thank you.
I had to go home unexpectedly on Saturday as my friend and her boyfriend were in a car accident- and she had to stay over in hospital- and was very upset- not that I have been much use to her. It's one of those situations when you don't know what to say. Though I probably shouldn't go into details on here..
I got prescribed two weeks of sleeping tablets by my doctor at home- I felt guilty because the one here said no... but she said he was "silly and unreasonable". So hopefully I will get some sleep and things will look brighter. Unfortunately, I didn't talk to her about anything else- other than my chest infection she picked up on! Means I can't have the operation tomorrow, so that suits me fine, really. Shame I wasn't able to mention the eating though. I let it go because I got haven't been very well at all really.
I got to see El yesterday, and it went well from the point of view that I got to chat with her, and got some sleep but it was a bit weird. During the hypnosis I felt really weird and wanted to tell her to stop, but didn't let myself. Yet, when I "came round" I found I had cried a bit, I think, and just felt shaky, lightheaded and like I was going to faint or be sick because my head felt like it was spinning.. I can't find any logical explanation for it. I kept her too long though- we'd overrun as it was, but I did feel really horrible.
I have been eating ok(ish) too, so I don't get it!! I'm trying to some control back- after the compliments/comments I've had from El and my doctor I feel I have a lot to prove still!!
Thanks for "listening"!
(This is my lame attempt at positivity!)
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah,
Well, that all sounds quite positive to me, I'm glad you got hold of the sleeping pills, they might help you get back into a routine with your sleep.
That's terrible news about your friend, hope she recovers soon.
I'm sure you've discussed this before but I obviously missed it - what sort of therapy are you having with El? Is it hypnotherapy? Just out of interest. I did CBT and found it really helpful but too expensive, so i'm rooting around for other options.
Take care,
Henri x
Hannahlou84
09-05-06, 18:42
The therapy with El seems somewhat eclectic sometimes! But it is actually hypnotherapy, which is also on the expensive side.
Can you not get a referral for CBT on the NHS? I didn't find CBT very helpful, really, well more so than most of the counselling approaches I've tried, but it didn't compare to the hypno- that and I only got 6 or 8 weeks worth, which was annoying, as I don't think I was really finished!
xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 12:10
Trying a more positive approach today.
As predicted they took one look at me this morning and said they couldn't do the op because of the anaesthetic and my breathing being bad- so that was good... then went across to physio (glad I didn't cancel it). Apparently I have a curve in my spine and that's why I have the de quervains thing in both wrists- she said I'll probably have to have the op on the left wrist too, but they effects won't last forever- so makes me wonder what the point is!! I'm just a little bemused that none of this had been brought up before- at least I don't have to see them again though!!
I slept really well last night-so well that I want to take another tablet now and sleep through the afternoon- but I've promised people I won't use them for that!
I think my eating is more controlled at the moment too- I've set a target to reach everyday, and I intend on doing it.
I have also been looking at jobs online for when I go back home- thing is, most of them are permanent, and I would feel bad about lying and then leaving to do the course- but having said that- the one I really want to do is only for August- and it's working with children with special needs, but if I don't do my course, it won't be enough to sustain me. I suppose I could look more closely when I know!! I wish the teacher training thing would hurry up. I also need something for July, or some of July, ideally- but not sure how easy it's going to be. I am surprisingly positive about it though!! Not sure if this is from talking to El, or just having a reality check!!
I can't do anymore at the moment until my aunt emails me my job title from my time with her, and a referee! but I feel like I am doing something now, which is an improvement- I'm not so much scared of working as scared of not finding a job and people being cross with me! Though my doctor said she thinks I need a break- I need money- though that was the other thing with the August job- it won't give me a lot to save, but I'd enjoy it! It is hard to know what to do in most respects..
Sorry for the long post!
xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Well done for the positive approach and for avoiding using the sleeping pills to get through the afternoon.
I've not heard of De Qervain's being caused by a curve in the spine, although I guess it could mean your posture is not ideal when typing etc. How do you feel about having the op? Did it help the right side?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think my eating is more controlled at the moment too- I've set a target to reach everyday, and I intend on doing it.<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 10 May 2006 : 12:10:05</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Is this a realistic target?
Hope you sort the job situation out.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 16:35
Hi Karen,
No, I hadn't heard anything about other problems causing De Quervains. It's all rather bizarre to me, and whilst I've had problems with my back they have not been where she indicated and are due to me being rather out of proportion! lol.. They're not doing anymore physio though. I don't think I would like the op on my left wrist, tbh, it has helped a little with my right, but it caused a few other problems and is still painful- so it wasn't exactly the solution they promised. The physio was hinting at the injection again too- so might look at the route again first- especially as my left one isn't so bad. I have to say my back is really hurting now!!!
How do you mean realistic? (Sorry, I'm not quite sure what you're asking!) Can I do it? Yes.. Is it an improvement on now and in the direction of getting better? Yes, I would say so- not sure I've answered you!!
Thanks- the job situation is just going to take time, I think, and I have too accept it.
I'm a little over-excited today (probably the sleep!) But I am practically counting the minutes til 9pm when I can see the apprentice!!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I had the full range of treatments for my De Quervain's but it has remained a chronic problem for me, despite being told that being medically retired from my typing job would lead to it settling down - although I am still typing which I suppose doesn't help!
I had numerous operations on my wrists and each time the damage was more severe due to scar tissue and adhesions. Each time I was told it was 'worth giving it one last go'. I would suggest maybe consider the injection first to see whether it helped - this never gave me relief for very long. If you do have surgery I would only give it the one attempt. This is just my personal opinion though.
What I meant by asking whether your eating plan was realistic was whether you are allowing yourself sufficient food and nutrition, or whether this is still based on restricting.
It is good that you believe it is realistic and a step in the direction of recovery. I just wondered what that meant for you at present.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 18:10
Hi Karen,
I would definitely consider the injection again- but probably not the operation- the injections helped me for quite a well two of the times, but the other two it was a matter of weeks, but then I was doing exams etc. I am hoping now with an injection and adequate rest (it's not like I write with my left hand) then it will be more bearable.
I'm not so sure about the food thing anymore. I am trying to have 1200 calories a day, I'm not letting myself be under 1000 or over 1200... (so an extra bar of chocolate). But I am not sure I can do this having just eaten tea- especially as it is hard to work out exactly what I have eaten with regards to calories!! I do feel rather sick now, but that may be because the prawns weren't too good.[xx(]
I just feel quite fat and horrible, despite the positivity- and it's hard to not just give in. It's even harder in that I need sleep really badly again now, but I need to watch 'The Apprentice' with my friend- I am still excited about it- but I just want to sleep and not think!
I don't really know what to do now... I would quite like to be on my own for a couple of hours, but I think things might go to pot if I do.
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I think it might help if you are with other people and distracted. I find eating and the time immediately after very difficult and (as I am alone) I tend to eat and be posting on here of my other forum as a method of distraction.
When at the clinic I am often alone and therefore my coping mechanism is to use one of my relaxation downloads.
I think you are being very brave in trying this and doing well. You know rationally that eating that amount of calories is not going to lead to weight gain and eating regularly and avoiding purging is what will help you recover.
Keep going. You are doing well.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 18:39
Typically everyone is busy for now! I might call Mum (God forbid!)
I need some physical distraction, I think, I don't think my tummy is too happy with me at the moment. I do have some really bad chocolate cravings too- and as it's hormonal nothing else is going to get rid of it- eep!
The thing is Karen, I have been eating that amount and less and still putting weight on. I don't really understand it, and am very frustrated because it's not just weight, it shows. El did try and reassure me that I have nothing to worry about, but I don't really believe her on that.
Thank you, Karen..
H
xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Did you find some distraction?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The thing is Karen, I have been eating that amount and less and still putting weight on.<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 10 May 2006 : 18:39:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The dietician explained to me that this happens at first but once your body adjusts to receiving regular food (and not purging it), it settles and levels off.
I know how hard it is going through this stage though.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
10-05-06, 22:45
Hi Karen,
I do kind of understand that I will put on weight to start with, but I need to lose it- I am already at the weight I didn't want to go over and it's scaring me a little bit. That and I am feeling quite bad about how I look at the moment anyway- especially when I see dieting programmes or am around my friends a lot.
I did have a distraction- we watched The Apprentice, it wasn't that much of a distraction really though!! How sad of me. I couldn't even enjoy it properly because I kept panicking.. Feel really horrible now. I think it's set all the job thing off for me a little really.
I have so much more to say, but have kind of realised this isn't the place I should be saying it. [Sigh...] [:I]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
11-05-06, 11:53
Today isn't so good. :(
Whilst I have forced myself to get up I can't do anything. Just feel worked up.
And I am feeling really lonely at the moment, and just wish I had someone who cared about me to cuddle up to and feel safe with.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Sorry you've been having a tough day and are feeling so alone. I sympathise as I am feeling much to same myself at the moment too.
Did you manage to get out for a while and do something?
I understand about the weight situation as I am well over the weight I feel happy with and it is so hard to come to terms with. Remember though that the eating disorder leads to a distorted self image. This was very much in evidence for me the other day. Another patient asked to speak to me as she was also struggling with the conflict between wanting to get well but also seeing herself as being too big.
She said to her I look thin and she feels much bigger. I told her I see it as being the opposite way round, with me being so much larger than her or anyone else in the EDU. The thing is that my view is more based in reality, since she mentioned weight and is at least a stone lighter than me.
So bear in mind that the way you see yourself is often warped by the illness.
Hope you are feeling better this evening.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
11-05-06, 22:11
Hi Karen,
Thanks, but it is actually my weight that is the problem, rather than looking at anything comparitively- though having said that I wouldn't mind being R's or El's size, and they are both bigger than me.
I am very drunk, and veyr not in control- I wrecked a good night out. I am so self-centred it's untrue. Feeling very bad about myself right now. :( I am a LOSER.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
12-05-06, 00:54
Feeling so desperately low and scared- I don't know what to do. :( I know it's hormones right now, I do, but I can't face more days like this. Have been crying (in the unable to breathe way) for hours now..:(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
12-05-06, 13:13
I still keep crying to the point where I can't breathe and everything hurts. Why do I feel so bad? Why doesn't anyone care?
Why won't it all just go away?
I don't know how much longer I can do this- I want to phone El, but I don't think she'll be able to understand me, that and I'm trying to get less clingy before she goes away. :(
I feel so so empty.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
13-05-06, 19:46
I actually left my room today!! Woo hoo. Actually hardly spent any time in here at all- not that that's helped. Amazing how easy it is to feel alone in a roomful of people.
Just feel like if I can get rid of this feeling of "aloneness" I will feel a lot better- but I just don't know how without getting other people to understand me...
Food has gone a bit wrong today- but I didn't have a lot of choice in that!! [Sigh...]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Well done Hannah!! I know what an effort it can be to do anything when feeling so low.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just feel like if I can get rid of this feeling of "aloneness" I will feel a lot better- but I just don't know how without getting other people to understand me...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I understand what you mean, or at least I have similar feelings of being alone and believing that this is the way it will always be. But it is not really a case of wanting to be among people in general; it is a need for something specific that is missing from my life and I know there is not an answer to this problem for me at present.
Keep going with trying to motivate yourself to be with other people though because even though it might not be the ultimate answer, it is better than shutting yourself away and being completely alone.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
13-05-06, 20:27
Hi Karen,
Thank you. It doesn't feel like much- I'm just glad I was able to stop crying for 5 mins!
I have just found out what I thought was my last seminar this Monday was cancelled last Monday- I am very excited (it won't last!!) But it means bar the essays uni is done- how scary. Unfortunately I emailed the lecturer and asked her about it, because I didn't understand what Lila had said... so will now look thick!! need to see her to discuss the essay too- eep! I'm sure it's all wrong so far too- and I've barely been able to work on it in last few weeks. :(
I feel weird!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
13-05-06, 21:19
I have no self-control at all. I am pathetic.
I have just seen something that has really upset me for no real reason. I hate the internet it is evil.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
14-05-06, 17:04
Everything is caving in around me.
I hate it.
Still waiting to hear from El and thought she would've by now as she knew I was upset..
Please help me, I'm sorry.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Sorry you are having a bad day - join the club [Sigh...].
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I have just seen something that has really upset me for no real reason. I hate the internet it is evil.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 13 May 2006 : 21:19:09</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
What did you see and why dit it upset you, if that's not too personal to ask?
It is not true at all that you are pathetic; you are simply struggling with a number of issues with little or no support.
How can we help Hannah? Did El say she would reply today? When are you seeing her next?
I know it is difficult but hang on in there. You were feeling more positive for a while yesterday. Have you been out of your room and among other people today? If not, could you do that for a bit?
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
14-05-06, 17:18
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're not having a good day either..
I'm sorry, I don't mean to behave like this I just feel so crap I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone has deserted me, and noone really cares.
It wasn't anything major that I saw, just some more "information" about someone, it wasn't anything bad- just made me feel bad- because it reminded me that she is still here and that I still need her. There was also a new picture.. I didn't mean to look either- I hate the uni website.
I don't know how anyone can help- I just don't want to feel so alone and like everyone hates me, I keep panicking and can't deal with it. There is noone around today, really, so can't socialise. I don't even get invited out anymore...
El said on Friday night she would email me "later on" and I've actually emailed her since (last night) and still nothing- I know I am just being selfish and impatient, but I feel like I have noone. I have no idea how I am going to cope when she is away. I won't be seeing her now until late June/early July- and that's assuming I get a job. :(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't know how anyone can help- I just don't want to feel so alone and like everyone hates me,<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 14 May 2006 : 17:18:05</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well for a start NO ONE here hates you.
We are here for you but I so understand about feeling so alone. I too feel that way and it is why I am struggling partly.
Write here as much as you want and I hope you hear from El. I want to try to go back to sleep as I can't cope with the binge urges again today.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
16-05-06, 20:53
The email that I got from El (after waiting 3 days) didn't help at all. I am at a loss what to do.
I have been really unwell physically the last few days- and whilst I may be getting some control back with the panicking, the depression is still holding on. :(
Still feeling trapped and alone.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
17-05-06, 16:01
Things are such a mess.
I haven't receieved another email from El yet. I haven't worked out any kind of pattern yet either, if I send one email I could be waiting a week for a response, but if I send 4 I could be waiting the same amount of time. I know she is busy and can't spend all her time sat at her computer waiting for me to email, but I just feel really insecure about it. It's like it's not constant and there's a chance she might just not reply. But I am always wary of sending more than one email because more focus is often placed on the second one (which is normally more positive) and I feel the first one is the one that needs answering- but I'm just scared I wouldn't get a response if I keep waiting...
I am a bit upset at the moment because everything I am doing seems to be wrong, or goes wrong. I've had a migraine for the last few days, and was sick for hours at a time on Monday night (I've never felt this ill with one, ever, and I usually end up in bed and/or being sick). Ended up at the walk-in centre at the hospital (because I'm not registered down here anymore) and I just got told it was stress and to take the medication and sleep it off... nice...mentioned the fainting too as that's got bad, and said it had been for a while- and he was like, "oh that's just anxiety". Just before I went one of my housemates brought up the food issue- and now they seem to think it's some kind of imbalance... which would be fine if I was having a bad time with food at the moment, I could accept it.. but I'm not. I've been a load better than I have been in ages, and I'm just incredibly fed up with feeling yuck.
I don't know who to talk to, where to go or what to do.. I'm just finding it incredibly hard to keep going- and I'd love to be able to say all this to El, but that is exactly the sort of email that I feel gets ignored until it has all blown over. :(
I'm sorry, I don't want to feel so alone.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Reading the first part of your post was like reading something I might have posted during my first months here (or even longer).
I was constantly trying to work out a pattern to K's replies and drove myself mad with thoughts about it dominating my every waking moment. I would just think I had worked out a pattern and then it appeared to shift again.
Although I still find it hard at times, I have not learnt that it is not possible to predict when she might reply and if she doesn't reply I mostly manage to rationalise that it is nothing to do with me but is because she is busy, or to do with what's happening in her life.
I really think it would help if somehow you could stop trying to figure it all out, when there isn't any answer. No matter how much we might wish things could be different, we cannot know what someone else is thinking, or get them to reply when we want them too. It is very very hard I know.
Even now I have similar thoughts to those you are having about sending further messages/emails, particularly if there is something important in the first one. Plus I am trying to not keep writing more and more messages when she is not in touch. How long since you last heard from her or when did you last email? If it is really important you could copy the content from the last one into a new message, or forward it and ask whether she has received it. There is a fine line though (I find) between just wanting and needing the contact, and there being something I do urgently need a reply to. Actually today is one of those days as it is to do with my treatment, but I am patiently (almost anyway) waiting.
I get migraines too and used to feel that ill with them for days at a time until I got some prescription medication from my doctor. There is also a bug going around though which seems to cause bad headaches and vomiting.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just before I went one of my housemates brought up the food issue- and now they seem to think it's some kind of imbalance... which would be fine if I was having a bad time with food at the moment, I could accept it.. but I'm not. I've been a load better than I have been in ages, and I'm just incredibly fed up with feeling yuck.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
What did they do about this? Did they take any blood tests? The thing is Hannah you have been having these food issues for quite some time and electrolyte imbalances are a possibility. I think it would be a good idea to get this checked if it hasn't already because it is a serious health issue.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't know who to talk to, where to go or what to do.. I'm just finding it incredibly hard to keep going- and I'd love to be able to say all this to El, but that is exactly the sort of email that I feel gets ignored until it has all blown over. :(</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I think this is the kind of thing you need to tell El. There is no point in sending a positive email just so she will reply. She might not reply immediately and if not, say to yourself that you will give it x number of days and then resend it, saying you really need some help with these issues. She is your therapist after all.
I completely understand the feeling of being alone. I feel very much like that too right now.
Hope the migraine goes and you are feeling better soon.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
17-05-06, 20:56
Hi Karen,
Thanks for the reply.
I know it's really bad for me to try and work out a pattern, but it's just that she sometimes takes so long to reply, and I know she checks her email 4 or 5 times a day, so it becomes a case of what can I say to warrant a response. I did email her again, in the end- and it was more positive than negative [:I] but I put the main parts in there, however, I played them down, so probably won't get a response to them. I last heard from El on Monday, and I wouldn't be needing to email now if she had helped then, but her email was about as helpful as the one she sent on Friday saying she didn't have time right then to reply. I just feel like I don't matter, and I guess in the grand scheme of things, I don't. Bette told me that El will never give me a second's thought outside of seeing me, that's not to say she won't help me to the best of her ability when she does see me, but I guess I need to accept that. :( not that I want too. It's not that I am desperate for contact at the moment- I am, but I need help more, but I don't seem to get responses to those emails, maybe because they are negative?
I'm not sure if I could send her the same message twice, I'm worried she'd think I was being pushy and demanding.
No- the doctor said to see my GP for some blood test. I don't see the point to be honest. My GP doesn't actually know there is a problem anyway, so that should be interesting to say the least.
My migraine is much better today, thank you.. It hasn't gone completely though.
Have just had an argument with one of my housemates over noise, and the fact L is trying to do her essay- it's not like anyone was really quiet when I felt like my head was exploding- and somehow, not to sound selfish, but that's more important- not that there's quiet when I am doing essays either- she's only typing it up- and watching a film with her boyfriend at the same time. It sounds like I'm bitching, but I just hate these double standards, and make a sarky comment about it to H on my way up the stairs, so now they can have something else to add to their bitch list about me... I just can't wait to be away from here, but I don't want to be back "home" either. I just want to live in a cave!! I couldn't feel more alone than I do now!
Sorry!
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
18-05-06, 23:46
Heya.
Today hasn't been good. I have tried so so hard to be positive, but after so little sleep last night it just didn't work. Someone upset me last night and I couldn't settle.
I am in a similar situation tonight. I have had an argument with one of my housemates over the use of a word she find offensive if I use it, but she can use it- and to me it smacks of double standards.. and it's made me feel really crap.
This is the same girl who when she enters a room I am afraid to speak, or I have to leave the room, because she disagrees with everything I say even if fundamentally she agrees, and is very confrontational with it- and personally I can't deal with it. It doesn't help that she is hardly ever aware of the issues on which she is commenting and more often than not her views reflect this.
I can't bear to be in this house at the moment- I am tempted just to go away, for most of the three weeks I have left.
My other housemates can see what it's doing "but don't want to get involved"- and it's just making everything else seem like a struggle. :(
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
lifes not easy when you dont feel happy and comfortable where you're living.
she doesnt sound like a very nice person and i wish i could give you some advice on how to tell her to shut the f*** up and stop picking on you, without you worrying about it.
anyway, hope you're ok and are looking after yourself and have managed to get some decent sleep, tc .. andrew
Hi Hannah
Sorry you are struggling but remember that you will soon be moving from those people who are not helpful to you, and I know you do have the strength to keep going until then.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">No- the doctor said to see my GP for some blood test. I don't see the point to be honest. My GP doesn't actually know there is a problem anyway, so that should be interesting to say the least.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 17 May 2006 : 20:56:12</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is important to get this checked out by someone Hannah. Electrolyte imbalance is serious and the purging you've been doing for some time now could have led to an imbalance. That's why we have weekly blood tests at the clinic.
Any news from El?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 09:57
Thanks, Andrew, I had to knock myself out to sleep last night... which annoyed me, as I know that's not what the tablets are for. I should be used to my housemate being like this by now, it has been nearly a year- but I don't think I even realised quite how much of an impact she has been having. I'm just going to ignore her totally and noticeably leave the room when she enters it, I think. I feel really horrible because this whole situation leaves me feeling completely vulnerable and is causing me to be anxious and have panic attacks (which were few and far between weeks ago, and now happen regularly). I just don't think it's helping with the depression.
Hi Karen,
I might go to the doctors when I get home.. I'm not sure I really want to though, and am just hoping that by trying as hard as I have been any problems will iron themselves out. I just can't imagine she will be very impressed- especially as I have lied so many times about eating over the last few years.
Still nothing from El, and I don't know what to do- especially as she is away for just over a fortnight from next Saturday. I don't know how I am going to get through all the changes I need to without panicking and feeling worked up all the time, and then just giving up and hiding in bed.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 14:57
I'm trying to push the thoughts away, and push through the day, but am getting nowhere.
I can't do anymore work until I have received confirmation I am doing the right thing.
My PGCE letter only arrived today, and my two first choices are full... and I wasn't too struck on the third- I am looking at commuting to Swindon, but not sure if I would then have to get a bus once I get there as well... it's not like I've eaten managed to find a summer job yet.
I've been out, but nowhere else to go- and feel like I can't leave my room because The Fascist is downstairs. I just want to take some sleeping pills to get me through today- but I know it won't help.
Am being good with food, though still need to take the tablets, just in case. At least they won't be doing me any harm with the amount I take, will just have to try and keep it at that amount.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Sorry your first two choices for courses were full. Are there any other choices?
The blood tests are important because electrolyte imbalances can cause all kinds of problems - serious ones. Please consider seeing your doctor when you get home.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Am being good with food, though still need to take the tablets, just in case. At least they won't be doing me any harm with the amount I take, will just have to try and keep it at that amount.<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 19 May 2006 : 14:57:33</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm what pills Hannah???
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 17:59
Hi Karen- I still have my third choice, and technically I could commute to Swindon, but I am not sure. I can also get in through clearing to Cardiff or the main Bristol one- and if I get accepted by my third choice or Swindon I can't do this. I could also loook at worcester, which like Cardiff would involve living away from home... or my aunts. Rather confused, and noone to really discuss options with.
My sleeping tablets are crap, I'm awake already and not feeling well.
I will consider seeing my doctor when I get home, I have other things to see her about anyway.
It's a form of diet pill. [:I] It is has a number of jobs- haven't had any major problems with it yet.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It's a form of diet pill. [:I] It is has a number of jobs- haven't had any major problems with it yet.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 19 May 2006 : 17:59:49</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I hope this is not anything I've given you ideas for. I know I can't really say anything with everything I am doing to myself, but I am sure you know that this isn't the answer.
Have you told El about the diet pills?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 20:10
No, it's pills I've been taking for months. Not your fault at all.
No, El doesn't know about them. Not sure when I will tell her, or if I even will... don't know if I'll get the chance.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
And are they working? I don't know which ones you are using but have you considered that this is why you could be feeling so ill? Sometimes the effects are not apparent immediately.
I think it would be in your best interests to tell El. She can't help if she doesn't have all the facts.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 20:29
I think they do seem to be working, yeah, I lost weight when I started taking them...not sure though.
I don't think they are making me ill.
El isn't helping much at the moment. What can she really do?
Hannah xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
I'm not sure I should be reading about this really because I am desperate to lose weight and to know what you've found that helps. But at the same time rationally I cannot encourage you to keep using the pills when I know it just leads further into the grips of the eating disorder.
I cannot really say what El would be able to do to help but at present she is working from only half the information. I know it is part of the illness to want to hide information like this but it would be a really big step forward if you could tell her. I really want to hide what I do from staff at the clinic but then I will never have a chance to get better and they wouldn't be able to trust me if I tried to hide things like this.
Give it some thought.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 20:49
Put it this way, the pills don't work on their own!! And they are probably not as effective as the ones you take. But I won't mention them again. Sorry.
I don't know what El can do to help full stop. I have been struggling over a week with no real input- and its less than a week before she goes away now.
I can't imagine telling her would make any difference to her treatment.
I'm only really bothered if I go into self-destruct, tbh.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannah, I didn't mean for you to stop mentioning the pills and I am sure you reading my thread is not helpful for you either.
You say that you taking the pills would not make any difference to El's treatment of you but you can't know that for sure. It shows how much of a problem this really is, particularly as you have been taking the pills for months.
I know the damage I am doing to myself and I really would not wish this on anyone.
If you don't think El can help then perhaps you could tell your doctor about the pills and as well as the other problems you've been having and ask for a full check up with blood tests.
You say you are only worried if you go into self-destruct. Do you consider restricting, using diet pills and vomiting after eating self-destruction?
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 21:22
I think my doctor would be a better bet. El would just tell me to stop them.
What I meant by self-destruct is what I am doing not being enough. I don't think what I am doing is destructive in moderation. No.
Feeling very lonely tonight- and just need to talk. I was going to watch Big Brother, but the company in the lounge is a lot to be desired.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
H Hannah
So, do you think you could confide in your doctor rather than El? Telling someone in a position to help is a very big and courageous step.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't think what I am doing is destructive in moderation.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not sure what you mean by this? What is being destructive in moderation?
Sorry you are lonely. Is there only one TV there? I started to watch Big Brother but got bored and couldn't get into it.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 22:00
Ah, I'm not missing much then. Yes, there's the one communal TV, and it's downstairs, the others all have TVs in their rooms(mines the one downstairs), so I am feeling a bit cut out at the moment. Especially as it's the "well it's your problem" attitude.
I am not sure that I could actually tell my doctor, I think she would be upset with me, to be honest, and I don't think I want to stop taking them.
I meant what I do isn't destructive if I do it in moderation. So if I do those things to much they become destructive.
I can't believe I haven't heard from El at all since Monday and that was the most unhelpful email. I don't want to have to do this on my own. I think she's fed up with me. Even sending a positive email didn't get a response.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Your doctor would not be 'upset with you'. I think she'd think you brave for admitting to having a problem and for asking for help.
It is entirely usual with eating disorders to not want to give up the behaviour or using anything you think helps to control weight, and your doctor would expect this.
When did you last email El? In view of the fact she is going away soon it wouldn't be unreasonable to send her a gentle reminder.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 22:55
I don't know... I have lied outright to her about this so many times. And I felt really bad when all the depression and self-harm stuff came up because she seemed genuinally upset, maybe cos she hadn't noticed? Or more that she had but hadn't clicked (she said that before). I also don't want to be in a situation where other people have to know. Frankly it's all embarrasing and I hate myself for it.
I emailed El on Wednesday- which isn't that long ago- I just can't keep going like this- and am frustrated because she seems to wait til she thinks it has blown over and then asks how I am. Sometimes I think this "relationship" (in therapy terms) has run its course, but the hypnosis still helps- and with more input (via email or whatever, if only one a week, as long as it was help) it would be enough. I just don't feel like she takes me seriously sometimes.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Hannah
Hiding the truth is part of an eating disorder and I doubt your doctor would be surprised that you have not felt able to admit your actions before. The first step is admitting it to yourself and the second step is seeking professional help and feeling able to be open about it. It took me a long time to see my doctor and a lot of persuading by K.
Do you think perhaps you have gone as far as you can with therapy with El? I know it is hard to move on but sometimes a fresh approach can help. She doesn't seem able to give you the help you need at present and probably the distance problem hasn't helped.
Perhaps you could ask her how to move on from here.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
19-05-06, 23:46
I don't think it is the therapy that has run its course, but the relationship. It hasn't been right for a while, and whilst I don't need constant email reassurances anymore, I do still need advice and input, especially as I have noone down here, and I am not sure she sees this. I really don't want to start at the beginning with someone else though- because having read through stuff I wrote this time last year I have come a long way.
I can't ask her about moving on because I need her on some childish level too.
One of my other housemates has been talking to the one I have fallen out with and they think I should talk to her. I have apologised, which is more than she's done- so what more can I say?! She's not a person I would chose to associate myself with anyway.
I'm so bloody miserable atm that I am packing to get on the train home tomorrow. I can't stop crying. I hate all of this. It is utter crap.
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
sorry to read your feeling so upset and miserable with everything. maybe a few days at home with your family might give you a break from it all. wishing you alot of support cos it sounds like you need some.
and if you've been made to feel uncomfortable sittting with the others, take your telly back to your room. the distraction and possible enjoyment will help. dont be worrying about what any of them think, they've got there own tvs and can sort it out between themselves. altho making up would be the better solution, but easier said than done.
anyway, stay positive and carry on making progress, hopefully your feelings will pick up soon enough, tc .. andrew
Hannahlou84
25-05-06, 19:50
Hi Andrew- thank you so much for your reply and ongoing support- I just didn't know what to say before-and didn't want to keep moaning unnecessarily... so thank you.
I also went away for a few days- but not with family- and it wasn't too great an experience, but it made me feel better about the situation here- so that's good.
Not feeling too grand today. Handed in last piece of work for uni today- after nightmare experience yesterday- and we get dissertation mark tomorrow- and we thought it was next Tuesday- so rather nervous!!
I also had my last email contact with lecturer E today, and it's left me feeling rather deflated and rubbish- and wondering about R... which is crap!!
I have decided not to email El now, well, not regularly- I will reply when she emails- which she does sometimes, and that's it other than to make appointments. This seems sensible as it is the email relationship that is upsetting me- and when I email her for an appointment she always replies quickly.. It's very hard though- as I did email her back yesterday- it's hard not to want a response, and to tell her how bad things have been- but have been disciplined this last week or so, as I know she is goin away soon... It just makes me feel more isolated, really!
Not coping too well with the panic and the very low mood at the same time, as it's usually one or the other and rarely fluctuates this quickly...[Sigh...]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
hopefully you'll get good marks for your uni work. is that it now, degree finished?
moving on from ppl can be pretty sad, just try not to dwell in it and stay positive.
the email situation seems to create anxiety for you, so good that you are taking positive steps to counter that. ive felt that want before, its not easy but you can do it - hug for you.
good luck with your results, take care .. andrew
Hannahlou84
26-05-06, 12:13
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for the luck! Yes, providing I haven't failed anything my degree is finished. The dissertation results aren't back- and that's all up in the air, which is a bit rubbish to say the least!!
Thanks for the hug- hopefully the email situation will get easier.
I discovered last night that it is actually vodka I am allergic too (through having a reaction to it) so I am feeling pretty rough at the moment.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
hopefully they've sorted those results out and you've done ok. well done for completing the degree course, you might not have enjoyed it, but it is a Great Achievement.
so hopefully, if you stay off the vodka your general health and well-being will improve alot. that would be good. i'd be struggling with that lol, i dont drink that often but its all vodka based.
take care .. andrew
Hi Hannah
Have you had your results back yet? You've done well to finish your degree with everything else that has been going on.
Moving on and losing those email contacts is adding to the way you are feeling at the moment. Everything is changing for you and change can be scary for many of us. I think you are doing so well regarding the situation with El.
I hope you can stay off the Vodka now you know you are reacting badly to it. It probably isn't helped by other medication(s) you are taking.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
30-05-06, 10:42
Hiya,
Still no news on the results front. Today was the original deadline, and still nobody knows what's going on... and the student portal is down too, which is oh so helpful!
Thanks for your support Andrew and Karen.
It's going to be hard to avoid vodka, because it makes me feel better- yet another thing I should probably discuss with my doctor tomorrow, but I think I already have too much to discuss! [Sigh...]
I hate the fact that everything is changing, and I don't know what the "new" things are going to be- and it unnerves me... El was very "perceptive" and told me that was the reason everything was so up and down- yeah, my tiny brain didn't figure that one out.
It has been hard with the emails too, as El has been emailing this week- and asking questions- which is just going to make the weeks she is away harder, but I don't want to ignore her. If I get a job I can see her again!!!
I'm going to miss having regular net access so much. I don't actually know what I am going to do without it- though most people don't actually bother with me anymore, so it shouldn't be as big a deal as it is. [Sigh...]
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
hi hannah,
hopefully somebody will sort the results out soon. good luck at the doctors tomorrow. good luck finding a job as well. im sure you're like most of us and pratically deal with change better than you think about it. that sounds like sods law lol, you try and back off the emails and she starts replying more often. im off net for a couple of weeks on hols, hope everything goes well for you, take care .. andrew
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