mothermac
31-12-10, 23:41
Don't know what is wrong with me-everything I guess,have suffered with depression and some form of anxiety all my life so know that what I am suffering is a mental thing.Lately I have felt so disssatisfied with EVERY aspect of my life,my house I live in,the town,the country,my job,my husband even.I feel so negative about things and feel constantly angry and harrassed.I have a part time job in a supermarket and sometimes feel as though I could punch one of the customers,it must show on my face and someone is going to notice before long.I feel annoyed with my husband for no reason and came in off my shift tonight and was horrible to him so he went to bed and now I am spending new yrs eve downstairs on my own-all my fault I know as he has gone to bed ALONE.I have tried to let him know how I feel but it comes out wrong but I do feel unhappy in the marriage,I can't do anything about it though as we have a daughter who dotes on him and I couldn't break up the home anyway,we owe too much money and the house wouldn't give us enough to start again on our own anyway.I look at other men at work and think what it would be like to have a different partner and I feel terrible inside as I never thought I would look at another man never mind fancy him,my husband was everything,omg what have I done.I have just got a new boss at work who is very handsome and I have found myself staring at him wondering what it would be like to kiss him,Jesus Christ if my husband knew that would be terrible.I feel so sad all the time and don't want to get up in the mornings,every day is the same,my husband is taking voluntary redundancy in the new yr and even though he is getting quite a bit of money I feel scared,lonely and terrified of what next yr is going to bring,I feel resentment that I have to go and do a manual job that knackers me in the shop,lifting,stacking,serving customers and he hasn't fought for his job and will be at home when I am grafting,he says he has hated his job for some time and when the redundancy was announced it was an ample opportunity for him to get out,the admin side of it was stressful he said but my job is bloody stressful and I feel under pressure but he has a family to support and he has just walked away,I feel like crying now and it makes it worse as I feel a moaner but I don't want to sound like that but that is just how I feel,I am not sleeping and I had a terrible panic attack in the night a few days ago but got through it alone,I hate letting him know as he doesn't understand anyway.Sorry to go on but I feel as though I will never be happy again and I miss my dad as well who died when I was 11,it is just all crap.