no hope left

[april]

im doing this because i want to get off my chest how i feel with the off chance that someone will listen and understand. its not something i feel i can do with anyone on my life.
i have depression, i have since i was 15 (im now 21) iv had brief moments when iv been happy but i have ultimately ended up here, apparently with treatment resistant depression, im only on citalopram now to finish the minimum 6 month course. i used to be so anxious all the time about how my life will work out and if il ever be happy. after all this worrying the conclusion iv now came to, after weeks of introspection and wondering about the future, is that the future holds nothing that excites me. this life isnt enough. i dont just mean my life but life in general and what it has to offer to anyone. im quite smart, im suppose to be getting a 1st in psychology by the end of this uni year so theres a chance il get a good job and be financially secure, and be in a job i like, clinical psychology has always been my aim ironically. i can be really sociable if i try. but none of this is enough, even if i achieve all of this its not enough. i want more, i want excitement. i know my head lives in the fantasy land of all the books i read but the knowledge that what i want from life is impossible, it doesnt exist, just makes me hopeless and even more anxious about each day, because it all seems pointless.
i originally came on the internet to see if the amount of paracetamol i have is enough to kill myself but maybe getting this off my chest will help.

[amanda*43]

Hi April
I have just read your post and really wish I could say something to make you feel better. There is always hope, always. Just think what you have to offer people. Get your degree, become a psychologist and just think how much help you will be to your future clients with all your insight and knowledge. Life can seem hard and pointless, but you were OK as a child and you will be OK as an adult, 15-21 years are stressfull. Is there anyone you could talk to at uni when you go back, or do you have parents you can confide in?
Kind regards, amanda

[pammy1944]

I hope it has helped for you to 'unload' on here ........this is what the site is for ........just try to relax and take care of yourself xxxxx

[macc noodle]

April

Sorry that you are feeling so grotty but please don't even think about the paracetomol route - there is much this life can offer you.

Especially as you seem a bright articulate young lady - don't give up - who is to say that you cannot have the exciting life you crave.

Make a plan to achieve what you want and go for it - nothing is impossible and you have to at least try before you can come to that conclusion. You are a young woman who has taken the first steps to a profession/career that will provide you with a good way of life which in turn will enable you to strive to achieve the excitement you desire.

Please please call someone like the Samaritans if you are really feeling this bad and talk to someone.

Take care hun.

[gaaron]

April, I'm glad you've posted, I hope by reading the responses to your thread has made you feel a little more connection with life x

[ditzygirl]

April

I hope sharing with us has helped. Do you realise what a strong person you are ?
It takes guts to share such a post.
My heart goes out to you, working towards a great job and successful future is brilliant. I think you are a really switched on cookie.

You and nothing about you is pointless you are just having a tough time just now. IT WILL GET BETTER.

You can only work hard towards your future but things have a habit of working out for the best in the long term - I know this to be true!

Sweetie don't be so hard on yourself, focus on little things, the sunshine, your family, your friends???? and soon you will stop worrying.

This world is a very exciting place, you really don't want to miss a thing.

I really hope you are getting support from family and friends, things will get better I promise.

Please keep talking to us - you are special and we want to get to know you and are here for you anytime.

Hope this helps sweetiexx

[Nigel]

Hi April,
:welcome: to NMP!
I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time at the moment. It takes courage to talk about such things, but I think it does help to write it down – even if it’s to complete strangers on the internet.

I had a good friend who also did a lot of research into what you were. She came to the conclusion that the most likely outcome was to be left with serious liver damage – another problem to contend with. I don’t think it would be a good idea.

I know it’s hard to find any interest or excitement in anything when feeling depressed, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s a bit like being in a dark room – it’s filled with all sorts of things but you cannot see them. Then one day you find a torch...

‘Treatment resistant depression’??? Hmm... :unsure:
I wonder if that’s somebody else’s excuse for their inability to help?

Have you ever read the Depression Learning Path (http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/depression-learning-path/)? It contains a lot of helpful information about how to beat depression. In fact, I like their whole approach to psychology, and you might find some of the other Uncommon Knowledge sites interesting too, with regards to your studies.

I often feel a bit fed up this time of year too – looking back at the past with dissatisfaction, then looking forward and feeling unable to do things differently in order to make the future any different. But I would never give up hope. Perhaps that’s just an excuse for being a wimp... dunno... :shrug:

You’re 21, April, you can be and do anything if you set your mind to it. I know it’s hard to imagine that at the moment, but it’s true.

BTW, my friend was eventually successful in her research and I miss her a lot. I wish she was still here to write to you now – she was much better at it than I am.

Take care :)
Nigel

[elainey70]

Hi April,

Please don't feel like their is no hope left, their is, i promise. You have such an exciting life ahead of you, a career in psychology is something to aspire to and be proud of. Please don't bottle up your thoughts and feelings, is their someone you can talk to? I hope the reply's to your post lets you see that people care about you, please continue to talk to us here. I wish you health, happiness and peace of mind. Take care. x

[Captain Caveman]

Like others have said, there is always hope April:)


but i have ultimately ended up here, apparently with treatment resistant depression,

Here is what Paul Salkovskis (a psychologist) said about the term "treatment resistant" :

"With regard to the label; I really hate it when a person is classified as "treatment resistant". There are a load of things therapists use when they (the therapist) have failed, all of which are designed to "blame the victim". You can call the sufferer treatment resistant, a complex case, a treatment failure...and so on. In fact, it is the problem that is resistant or complex, not the sufferer, and often because the therapist failed to do the right thing. Often? Always, and I don't exempt myself from that. "

[ChrisK]

No such thing as " treatment resistant ", perhaps you should seek unconventional treatments, drugs only provide a breathing room but do not treat the underlying cause. You need to rehabilitate your thoughts and construct a more fulfilling response to depression which only you can do, others can only guide you on the correct path, seeking clarity is most effective. From a personal perspective, I found dietary changes (follow the food pyramid, eat vitamin-rich meals), exercise (gym), meditation (some think it's overrated but not when you learn it from a professional instructor) and a good night sleep really helpful. Also, find good self-help books about depression written by ex-sufferers.

Don't take existence for granted, start caring for yourself, no one will do it for you.