I just cant cope :(

[haziefantasie]

Hi everyone

Well it was my first day back at work today after being off sick for a month, I was at the doctors first thing so went in at 11 and lasted until 3.30 when I asked to go home. I just felt so useless being there, it was so busy and I wanted to help but my head was all over the place and I couldnt remember how to do anything. I just dont know how im gonna cope tomorrow and the rest of the week, let alone next week. I also think im coming down with a cold again, and I was with someone at the weekend who has had swine flu so im worried I might have or get that.

& to make matters worse I just had a call from my friend who is having problems with her boyfriend, I think she may be depressed. Talking to help her is just reminding me how bad I felt a few weeks ago, and I also feel that she wasnt there for me as much as she shouldve been when I needed her. Part of me is thinking why should I help her now, but then I feel guilty thinking this and I dont know what to do, whether to ignore her calls or what. I really felt as though id turned a corner and was getting better but now all of this has made me feel like I just cant cope with anything, I feel so useless x

[ElizabethJane]

Did your doctor give you any tips on how to cope at work today? In hindsight it would probably be best if you could phase your return to work ie work one day then one off or fewer days/less hours? In all depressive illness it is really one step at a time and there will be the inevitable set backs. You managed to stay at work even though you felt that you couldn't cope with the work so that is praise indeed. I would suggest that you talk to your personnel manager and arrange to be signed off for a further period and work out with your GP/work how best you can return to your job. Best wishes EJ.

[haziefantasie]

Hi Ej

Thanks for your reply, its much appreciated. I didnt see my doctor this morning, just a nurse to answer some questions as im new at the practice. Last time I saw my dr he didnt give any advice, I was feeling ok at the time & I guess he just thought I could sort it all out myself. Hopefully my manager will be in work tomorrow so ill speak to her about maybe doing short days and booking some days off, I dont know if that will help. I dont know if ive just had a bad day or if I need more time off, I guess ill have to see how I feel tomorrow and go from there x

[ElizabethJane]

It will always be hard to go back especially if you have been off for depression. I have had this happen to me and I went straight back in.I was always frightened as to what questions would be asked about my absence. I was too terrified to ask for more time off. I would ask your manager for shorter hours and take it from there. You will probably be getting more tired and also your attention span will be shorter. Be kind to yourself. If you build it up slowly then your confidence will come back. EJ.

[haziefantasie]

Hi Ej

Thanks again for your kind reply. I went in at 8.30am today even though this cold has hit me now and I was feeling pretty rubbish. On the way there I started panicking again that I couldnt cope and I ended up crying all morning. I did manage to do some work and some things started coming back but I still felt so anxious and upset. My manager was busy in the morning but I spoke to her in the afternoon and I told her how I felt. She said I need to stop being so hard on myself and try to take things slower, my problem is I want to go straight back to normal as though nothing has happened but I know this is unrealistic. Anyway, we arranged for me to do 10-1 the rest of this week and the start of next week, then increase my hours gradually. I feel a bit better having sorted this but now im worrying that maybe the meds im on arent working properly, surely I shouldnt go this far down if they were? Ive worked through the 'overcoming depression' book which seemed to help (im not beating myself up as much as I was) but im unsure where to go from here x

P.s sorry its such a long thread, thanks for reading it

[ElizabethJane]

Sorry that you are having a tough time. I can't remember what meds you are on? Is it mirtazapine? Any anti d will take 4-6 weeks to kick in and for you to feel any benefit. You will have good days and bad days. It might take months to feel a lot better. Your manager is right that you need to be less hard on yourself especially if you have a cold. Try to ignore others problems for the time being as you have enough to cope with. Things will improve believe me and with depression it really does take time. Crying is a good release and is also part of the illness. EJ.

[haziefantasie]

Hi again

Yes ive been on mirtazapine for 8 weeks now, 4 weeks on 15mg and 4 on 30mg. I know its early days, I guess im just scared of going back to how I was and yet in denial that im actually ill if that makes sense. I do have a habit of trying to run before I can walk in most aspects of my life! Ill see how I feel in a few days anyway and if im still worried ill go back to the doctor. Thanks again for your advice, hope you are keeping well x

[ElizabethJane]

I'm still taking mirtazapine 45mg and lithium 1,000mg currently in remission. My story is very different to yours but at the moment I'm doing ok!! Mirtazapine has been the best anti d that I have been on fewer side effects whilst I'm taking it not so good when trying to come off it. 30mg is a therapeutic dose and I've been on it. There is always leeway for your GP to up it or decrease the dose as you start to feel better. Typically you might be on it for six months. Go and chat to your GP who will know what is best for you. Take care. EJ.