Panic Attacks, IBS, Agoraphobia

[MrsCluggy]

Hello Everyone. It's been a while since I came onto this site, but I feel the time has come to reintroduce myself and get help from any source possible. I have SUFFERED with panic attacks for the past 8 years. I am currently taking Mirtazapine 45mg and am now back on Diazepam 2mg. I have IBS which basically gets set off by my nervousness, and the cycle begins. I am severely nervous about going out of my house, this makes me feel sick, this makes me need the toilet, this makes me panic ... I can't leave the house. I cannot find a loop to break this cycle. I can't even take or pick up my children from school anymore, because I find that when I do HAVE to go out, I can't and won't go anywhere where there are no toilet facilities. I literally go from toilet to toilet. There is a toilet at the school which I use frequently. However, I am very aware of how frequently I use this toilet and I am sure the secretary who lets me in is very well aware too. This is also something that plays on my mind. I have missed two appts for CBT because I cannot leave the house to get there, even though the Office is just 5 minutes by car from my house. I had to go yesterday, but the night before at 4.00 a.m. I awoke having a MASSIVE panic attack, I cried solidly for 4 hours. My husband was frustrated, he was caring but he gets frustrated because he can see me avoiding the very thing that can help me, even though I was crying for help, I just want the nervousness to stop. I want to be able to just grab my car keys, walk out of the door and not THINK about anything, like NORMAL people. Just admitting that I am now agoraphobic makes me feel sick. I feel like I am on the very edge of a complete nervous breakdown. I feel that I have let my whole family down because I'm the joker of the family, the pillar that keeps everyone together. Now this pillar has collapsed and I don't want to lose my family. My Dad, even though he is 78yrs old is a great support. He phones me every day to see how I am, he even picks up my boys (aged 10 and 5) from school for me. I know I should do this myself, but yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed. I did, however, in the afternoon FORCE myself to go out of the front door, and walk to the school with the help of my husband to get my boys. I felt awful. All I could think of was, I hope the children come out of school really quickly because I need to get home. My friends in the playground have NO IDEA that I am like this. I don't want to admit this to anyone because I don't want my boys to have the stigma of having a "mental" mum at school. I am constantly frightened. I take Diazepam with so much guilt that I cry as I am taking it because my Doc is VERY reluctant to keep these of a repeat prescription and if I don't have those I know that I am going to completely breakdown. I cannot talk myself down or out of a panic attack when it happens, I need medication to calm myself down. I feel guilty because my family were not able to go on holiday last year. I don't go on days out with my boys, I cannot go and see my son play football because he plays on pitches that don't have toilet facilities. I have never seen him play in a match and he always asks me to go.
I WANT TO CHANGE, I WANT HELP, BUT I AM SO FRIGHTENED OF TAKING THAT FIRST STEP BECAUSE IT SEEMS HUGE TO ME.
PLEASE HELP ME, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS AND ADVISE ME OF WHAT TO DO. PLEASE.

[diane07]

Hi MrsCluggy

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[JaneC]

Hello MrsCluggy :welcome: back. I can identify with a lot of what you say :hugs: but I have been fortunate enough to find ADs that have helped me enormously, to the point of completely taking away my panic attacks and therefore also stopping the slide into agoraphobia. I really think you need to speak to your doc. ADs are supposed to help you get to the stage where you can benefit from other things (eg CBT). If yours aren't doing this, then to my mind they aren't really working. Have you tried any others? Also, as far as IBS goes, in my case Imodium is a girl's best friend :blush:. I never go anywhere without it. Please talk to your doc - you shouldn't have to live like this :hugs:

[MrsCluggy]

Thanks Jane C for your helpful comments. I do take Imodium, in fact I have to take 8 per day !! I can't get it through to my Doc that I just want to take something that will stop the nervousness, will stop my stomach from churning at just the moments thought of doing something that I find challenging. I'm resolved to the fact that there is NOTHING out there, medicine wise, that solves this problem. But from the moment I wake in the morning my stomach is lurching, that makes me go to the toilet, I start sweating, it's never ending. I did, however, speak to the CBT lady that I was supposed to see yesterday and she was VERY sympathetic. She understood, she listened. We have arranged to meet up again next week. She reassured me that if I have a panic attack whilst I am there, we will deal with it together, if I find that I cannot cope, she will take me home. I just don't want to be a nuisance, I don't want to be the chain around my family's neck. I know all too well that I am stopping my boys from having a fun, active life. They don't like seeing me like this at all. It upsets everyone. I've also bought a few books from Amazon today. I always think that knowledge is very much a powerful tool. I've got one on Agoraphobia and an Anxiety and Agoraphobia Workbook. If it can tell me how to switch off my brain then it'll be brilliant. It's 2011 for God's sake, surely someone out there could make or obtain a medicine to cure all of these ridiculous mental afflictions.
Here's to lots of reading !!

[JaneC]

Good move on getting the books MrsC and I'm glad the CBT person is so helpful. I also felt my children suffered when I was at my worst and even now there are some things I just won't do (involving driving mainly) but, at 14,16, and 18 now, they seem to have survived remarkably well. Get reading xxx

[MrsCluggy]

Thanks Jane. Like I mentioned before, my gorgeous boys are 10 and 5. They are getting involved in out of school activities now, joining football clubs, cricket clubs etc. and I'm finding that, esp. with the football stuff, I cannot go, because there are no toilet facilities where he plays. The cricket club is different, that's a fully serviced premises and I feel at home there. I also make an exception that when they are asked to go to friends' houses for play days, I let them go, but I do ask that the other kids' parents come and pick my sons up and my husband, inevitably, has to pick them back up again in the evening. Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous !!! I don't believe in God, but I hope and pray to anyone in the abyss that is listening that I NEVER have a day like I had yesterday. I honestly thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I obviously wasn't because I feel better today and I don't think a breakdown goes away after a good night's sleep !:D