View Full Version : Hi - help
malcolm1971
25-03-06, 09:31
hello folks.
I don't suffer from any anxiety etc etc myself but my other half does. we're at the point of us splitting up and it all seems to be down to the fact that I don't understand what she's going thru. she suffers GAD. she has done for around 8 years now and it's got to the point where i'm up every night all night wondering what I've done wrong. I feel totally rejected by her, frustrated, unloved, unwanted and i feel that I cant bring it up with her in case it's received as another example of me not understanding her problems. I suffer severely from worrying constantly about her and constant worry about "us". she is my dream-girl, my soul-mate and the only woman i've ever loved and yet i feel so alone in our relationship. I also sometimes feel that i'm being punished for not understanding - i'm sure she doesn't mean it but sometimes things seriously get on top of me and I can't help thinking the worst and being overtaken by paranoia. one of the main problems for me is that her problems have taken over her life so much that my cries for help from her are completely overlooked, again Im sure it's not a deliberate oversight on her part. also she is the sort of person who is first in line to help a needy soul and goes out of her way to do someone a favour but never seems to have the time to get close to me. there's never a passionate kiss, spur of the moment playfullness etc etc and im seriously afraid to even mention sex now. this all leads to mad bouts of jealousy on my part - although I manage to keep on top of it and not let her see me get worked up. I've never hit her or been unfaithfull in 12 years together. all Ive done is encourage her in most things she does, try to offer advice, tell her how much i love her, tell her how much she means to me and our kids. I also feel that ive nobody to talk to. my best, and only, friend has kind of been swamped thru her approaches to him for assistance - again it's not her intention but i just feel as if the only person in the world i could talk to about this has been taken away. she will, of course, see things differently as I would expect and "fair enough" as they say - there's 2 sides etc etc.
I could really do with someone to help me understand what she is going thru and help me help her. I so much want to get some sort of decent, normal relationship with the woman I'm totally devoted to. I think i'm a decent sort of person. of course ive got my bad points - i'll never claim to be perfect. i just need some sort of advice before i have a nrevous breakdown. my chest is constantly pounding with the worry and as well as for her sake, for mine, i need to make some progress here. I know this seems very selfish and totally one sided and stating things only from my point of view but after years of trying, and failing, to understand ive never felt so low. I'm writing this after another completely sleepless night of worry, tears and pacing the living room floor for hour upon hour.
help
I should also mention that she is a regular contributor to this forum but for the time being i would like her to remain annonymous to allow me to get some inpartial advice if possible. It was her who suggested I visit this site so there won't be any problems with her reading this post.
Hi Malcolm
Welcome to the forum.
You will find lots of help & support on here.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Hi Malcolm,
Welcome to the forum and well done for taking this step.
Many people underestimate the all-consuming nature of anxiety at its worst, especially as it "invisible". However, living with someone with anxiety must be incredibly difficult. When I am suffering from bouts of anxiety, sometimes the thought of what my partner is going through actually adds to my worries and makes everything worse. By nature, anxiety and panic can be very introspective conditions and therefore our loved ones often feel sidelined and helpless.
Trying to put myself in your shoes, I think I would be consumed by thoughts of "when is it all going to get better". This is undoubtedly a thought that you both share - a common goal, if you like. Do you feel as if she is making progress, even in a small way? Is she responding to any treatment she might be receiving? How does she feel?
Having read you post, I think I'll get my partner to come on here and share his experiences. He, too, has had times where he was worried to the pit of his stomach about what was happening.
Hang in there mate, you sound like a great guy who needs a bit of support too at the moment. Well done for posting and I'm sure you'll get some useful responses to help you both.
Eeb x
i second the two ladies above said
and welcome
bellxx
Hi,
It is obvious how much you love and care about your wife firstly by what you have written and secondly by you taking the time to join the forum and ask for help, good for you.
Unless you actually suffer with anxiety it can be hard to understand the way it makes you feel, things that non- sufferers do with out a second thought, can be a real uphill struggle for someone with anxiety, we fight the anxiety all the time and that in turn can be very draining emotionally as well as physically.
Have a good look about the forum and hopefully it will give you a better insight as to the way your wife feels when she is having as bad day.
You are doing the most important thing though, you are there for her and you are trying your best to understand.
Hope the forum helps hun.
Take care
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
Hey Malcolm
Well, I am so glad that a 'partner' has written in actually wanting to know more about how anxiety works and how it makes the sufferers feel. I have a husband just like you. I suffer from bouts of severe anxiety and it is causing some discomfort between us too, because he doesn't understand and he wants to make me feel better but he can't because there's no where to put a plaster or bandage an injury. But what he does do for me is LISTEN. He listens to me when I am having an anxiety attack. He 'talks me down' if you like and makes me feel calm. But although he is there for me in that respect, it's difficult for him because his nature is to be socialable, he has a very sociable job where he, or rather we both get invited to various parties, functions etc. An absolute delight for him but for me, from the moment he opens any invitations, my stomach goes into overdrive, I feel sick, I feel panicky, and I worry myself to absolute distraction until the actual night of the party arrives and it really is a toss of a coin as to whether I am well enough to go or not. This is what he finds frustrating. Because when I have a 'good' day I can do anything. I am the most confident person on this earth. But when I have a bad day, I am a jibbering wreck and no good to man nor beast. What my husband doesn't understand is the whole difference between these two characteristics. He can't understand why I can't be totally confident 100% of the time, and it really is so difficult to explain because it's hard to put into words exactly why it happens. The only way I can explain to people how I feel when I know an anxiety attack is coming is from the moment I wake up in the morning, I get the kind of nerves you experience when you have to go to an important interview or you are going to have a driving test. But it's frustrating because it happens for no reason what so ever. You cannot put your finger on what triggers an attack. If I could, if I had a magic button, I would immediately press it and get on with my day, but it's not that simple.
That is probably one of the reasons why you are feeling left out Malc, because your partner cannot realistically express to you how she is feeling. It's frustrating, it's depressing, it makes you as low as a snakes belly, and you are always on the edge because you are worrying about whether today will be the day when you have another attack, you are constantly on edge trying to protect yourself from having another attack.
It's also true to say that what you find a 'normal' every day task, she might find an absolute nightmare to carry out. My husband thinks nothing of driving to towns and cities miles away just for a visit, but to me, that is a minefield of dread. I am like a cat on hot bricks when I know that I have to spend a long time in the car on a journey, or if we have to visit his friends that I haven't seen for a long time. That makes me nervous and I am constantly trying to relax, trying to breath properly etc. This is probably what your partner is doing when you think she is ignoring you or giving you the cold shoulder. She is probably doing what all of us on this site are doing, she is doing her very best to cope.
You have been together for such a long time and have a couple of wonderful children. This is just a hiccup in your partner's life and you must understand SHE NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER. She may not show it and she may be acting as if she doesn't love you or want you near her, but believe me, if she is anything like me, she would be absolutely lost without you.
My husband is actually in Spain this week on a Golfing week with his friends from work. Before he went, he was getting on my nerves and I felt agitated every time he was around. But that's just how I was feeling, I was agitated and panicky because he was going away and I was going to be on my own with our 5 year old son for a whole week. But, because I was being quiet towards him and shutting him away, he knew that I was on edge because he was going away and he called me a
malcolm1971
25-03-06, 12:24
thanx for all the replies folks. one of the main problems i have is the feeling of rejection. i find it extremely difficult to cope with the feeling that she simply doesn't love me and doesn't want me with her. for me it's getting beyond the stage of trying to understand her problem and is getting to be more ands more about my depression due to it. i know i should be doing more to help her but if im honest i'm finding myself saying more and more "is it worth the hassle?". im finding it extremely difficult to cope with moving from one crisis to another - eg: in the build-up to christmas her job as seriously getting to her so she decided to quit - with my full support. yeah, it meant we'd be a bit skint financially but hey, it's only money and i'd pay the highest price possible just to get back some sort of "normallity". however, the job was dropped but we have now moved onto another crisis or 2 in her life. it just seems that nomatter how much I try to understand and help and support her i'm fighting a losing battle. I dont want to give up!!!! i love this woman with all my heart. there are times tho when i feel that she is deliberately hurting me and it's getting hard to take. I know she's not doing it deliberately but sometimes..............X*1Z!!*/*X**=* !!!! (if you know what I mean?)
Mrs C said that you were looking forward to your hubby getting home. I envy him. I'm never made to feel wanted or needed. I work long shifts late at night and she is normally sleeping by the time I get back so time between us is very precious to me. she never seems to make the effort though. never seems pleased to see me. i never get the huggs and kisses when i come through the door at night. i normally get a look of "can't be bothered with you" and off she toddles to her bed as soon as i get in. recently ive come home to and when i get to the front door the bedroom light is on but when i go inside and go up to see her the light is off and she's "sleeping". i can only deduce that she is pretending to be asleep as she doesn't want to see me. last night was an example that sums up how i feel. we were meant to be "making up" after a difficult week. during the daytime whenever i tried to get a kiss/cuddle etc etc I was warned off because she "hadn't had a shower" and felt dirty. we'd arranged a nite of baths and massages for my return from work, told the eldest son his friends couldn't stay so that we could have some privacy etc etc. on my return from work around 8 hours later i find her on the couch still dressed as before and saying "oh, are you back - i'd forgot about you" or words to that effect. she then takes an hour to go for a bath, comes to bed and says "i dont feel like a massage any more - im going to sleep - goodnight". I'm finding this very very hard to cope with - this is constant behaviour and a regular occurrance for her to completely forget about me. to continue with this example - we have made this arrangement approxomately 50 times over the last couple of years and NOT ONCE has she made the effort to show any kind of enthusiasm to spark any kind of passion/closeness in our relationship. at the weekends when im off, there's always an excuse about feeling to tired to pay me any attention and she generally lazez about the house in her dressing gown again giving me the excuse that she feels dirty and telling me not to get close to her. I feel totally rejected by this. totally. I know you're probably judging me as someone who is simply making demands for intimacy. maybe youre right - it's just hard to take the constant rejection. I start to think crazy thoughts like she's having an affair etc etc. I go through all the feasable explanations for her rejecting me and thats the only one left after ive ruled out all else. of course, not suffering from GAD myself I dont understand the underlying issues that she has so my logical thought process leads me to her having an affair. stupid i know, but my brain is in total meltdown after 8 years of trying to understand and putting up with this total
Malcolm, in my experience, the withdrawal from intimacy that you describe is indicative of two things; the first is that she may be suffering from depression, the second is the desperate need for affection that does not lead to sex. She may well be depressed, judging by her apparent lack of self-esteem and loss of libido is one of the symptoms. However, the intimacy thing might actually be quite simple to understand. Sometimes women just want to be able to express their love via cuddles and hugs - intimacy without the pressure of it having to lead to lovemaking. Many men, however, think that expressing love means making love. There are many relationships out there which fail because the couple do not understand this or express these feelings to eachother. I've done it myself - done anything to avoid even touching, because my partner at the time didn't understand that although I loved him, I didn't necessarily want to perform the act. I felt under siege all the time and withdrew. My advice would be to talk to eachother properly, do not be confrontational, reassure her that cuddles are not only a precursor to making love, and mean it. Take the pressure off her and yourself.
Ironically, the symptoms you are now experiencing sound to me like anxiety. Yes, you may well be having the physical symptoms of stress. Check out the information pages on this website and see for yourself. You need to pop along to the doctor and talk this through with him - he will be able to help.
In the meantime, neither of you should contemplate making life-changing decisions at this moment in time.
Eeb x
Hi Malcolm
Supporting someone that suffers i can only imagine will be a long hard road and not a lot of light to where you want to look.
Before i suffered i couldnt imagine how i felt let alone someone that would support me.
It isnt easy and my impartial advice if i hadnt suffered would be to say walk away but i have suffered so now i would tell you to dig deep and it will get better. Your wife will become a stronger person in time and that will benefit you both.
Best of luck and we are all here to support the both of you.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
malcom, we love men like you who give a **** about your other half enough to talk to others like her and have a desire to understand.
we know how hard it must be to live with people like us and even though we are deep down good people , when we go through this it leaves us with little time for others, such is our fear and panic.
i was wondering had you or your partner ever read clair eweekes books " self help for your nerves " or essential help for your nerves". these are 2 great books to help both her with her symptoms, but both aso mention how hard it is for the othe half to understand . it the essential help for your nerves she speaks to you directly to help you see what she is going through.
this book is available from our reading website and also from good book shops
i hope this helps. this site will also explain alot for you so keep posting your questions. we will always answer no matter how hard you think it is to ask
welcome
jackie
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/default.asp?t=cms&c=reading
sorry malcome this is the site where you can order the book
good luck
jackie
malcolm1971
28-03-06, 01:45
Hi again folks. many thanx for your replies, kind words and general advice - IT HAS HELPED!!!!! of course we've not got everything sorted out yet but your responses, along with other posts I've read on this MB, has at least helped me understand a little of what's going on in her head, and obviously helped me respond in a different way. my other half has had a couple of good days over the weekend and we've been able to at least talk about a few things and realise how each other is feeling about the situation. she has taken the first steps and booked an appointment with a therapist re: Cognitive behaviour therapy.
This is only the first step towards some sort of "normality", but hey, it's a positive step, right???
it probably won't be the last time I visit this site to ask advice and I know my wife visits regularly for advice and general chit-chat to "keep her chin up". I just want to say thanx for all the advice and a big thanx to all of you for keeping her going and pointing both of us in the right direction.
until the next time..........lol
take care folks.
That's fantastic news Malcolm! Well done both of you.
Keep up the good work!
Eebx
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