View Full Version : Suicide.
I have thought long and hard before posting this, but it is something that I wonder about and would be curious to know if anyone else feels the same.
To the best of my knowledge, I would say that I'm reasonably normal in mind, or closest to whatever 'normal' means. OK, the Anxiety is irrational but generally speaking I think that I can live my live in a general, reasponsible manner.
However, there comes a time when even the most intelligent 'compas mentis' person suffering the everyday torture thinks 'I've had enough.' I have noticed this now begins to enter my mind or thoughts on a more frequent occurance probably because I am sick and tired of feeling in pain 24 hours, when being told by medical professionals that they cannot find anything wrong with me (apart from suspected IBS).
Over the past 10 years, I have watched my life slowly go down hill. This started with my wife having an affair and leaving me because she found my then Anxiety level and, might I add me 'pathetic' because I wasn't 'a man'.
Needless to say my anxiety level naturally increased. I didn't eat for 2 weeks and only slept through exhaustion. Then my Mother died and again the downward spiral continued. I then discovered that my wife had in actual fact been 'seeing' more than one person and appeared to take it in her stride to have the odd fling with whoever admired her from then on. Although this started ten years ago, it still seems like yesterday and the pain although tolerable is nothing compared to the memories of our time together. My only consolation were my two dogs who at least were always glad to see me. Obviously, animals don't live forever and 5 years ago they both sadly died within 4 months of each over. It was then that my world really did crash down and my loneliness really did kick in.
My Anxiety symptoms then naturally went through the roof and my work suffered as so did my health. Since then I have been a regular visitor to A and E and had all the tests and procedures related to stomach issues. Blood, Urine, Xray, CT and Ultra scan, Endoscopies and Colonoscopies. Only IBS has been 'suspected' and therefore the medication for IBS and stomach acid susequently provided for. Sadly with very little or no effect.
Currently, I am no longer able to work becuase of the daily discomfort, nausea, fear and depression. My social life is zero because I'm always ill to go out plus the Anxiety prevents me from doing anything anyway. I appear to live on a pitance because of Government cut backs etc. My weight is going down because most days I feel too sick to eat anything substantial.
My life has become very boring and depressing due to my illness. I have no family so therefore I get up and no ones there and I go to bed and there's no one there. Anyway, who would want a man in this state, a 56 year old stick insect with Anxiety and no work?
Therefore, my point is, in theory, do I suffer day in and day out, slowly dying inside of pain and misery or, do I set myself free and take the tablets? I am very grateful for the wonderful gift of life but mine is only a daily exsistance of suffering and I now realise that there are many more people in heaven who love me than there are on earth. I'm not sure I can wait for my natural demise that long.
Am I the only one who thinks like this?
God bless you.
Horse.
No, you're not. Even your intelligent, rational side would agree that you're not alone with these feelings in this overpopulous world, with varying problems and crises. However, it is your emotional side which is pain, use your intelligence as an elaborate means towards healing yourself, and not splitting into a helpless side.
There are more opportunities ahead in your future than you may realize now, all disagreeing feelings are a manifestation of depression. Would you really give up existence ? Is there anything you like to do ? Don't you want to leave your mark in this world, however small ? Lead your life somewhere, whether it's in the Peru or at a nearby place, it doesn't matter. Do you really want to meet God this way ? You are a precious child of this Earth and you equally deserve bliss and joy. What would your loved ones, whether in Heaven or Earth, would say ? Ever since you were born, your mother expressed positive expectations in your life with joyful tears. Do you really want to do this ? Can you ?
Horse :hugs:. I think I understand how you feel. I don't think I could ever kill myself (I have teenage children) but I have been thinking lately that I would be happy just to die to get away from certain things in my life (myself, my anxiety, depression, poor health, major financial worries).
Even though I have people in my life, I also understand how lonely you feel. I think you should try talking to someone about how you feel - doctor? samaritans? Mind?
Also, while this might sound trivial, could you afford to get a pet again? Mine make such a difference to my life.
I hope this is in some way of help and please take care of yourself ie don't take the pills. There must be avenues to explore before you resort to that xxx
Captain Caveman
10-01-11, 12:01
Hi Horse. You have obviously had a few wacks along the way, but please don't be going down the suicide path. There is hope for everyone, including you. You will be able to help plenty of people once you can sort yourself out. You will have a big impact on their lives because you can tell them how far back you came from.
Can I also suggest you look up some articles on "Unconditional Self Acceptance". Basically it's about coming to the point of accepting yourself worts and all. There is always room for inner growth, but no matter what the outcome, you still love and accept yourself.
Alos, 56 is young. They reckon people will be living till they are 150 in the not too distant future. I plan on reaching 200. So stick at it hey:)
No you are not the only one that feels that way.
I actually find it a great comfort to know that i can end my life if i chose to, thats one choice i do have.
Chuffed2Bits
10-01-11, 12:06
Hi Horse,
Just to say that there are many (including myself) on a daily basis who feel as you do. However, this does not mean that what you have suffered and what you are suffering means the end. I know that in life, many people are put through the 'mill' one way or the other and it is a testament of their character, their courage, their resilience of how they cope, manage and come through it all. I know it is different for everyone and some cope admirably well whilst others stumble, fall and get buried in their own everyday traumas, and, it sometimes gets to a stage where they just dont want to go through the hassle of 'just one more day'.
What I'm trying to say is three things -
1) - this is a site where many people understand what and where you are - your mind, your body and thought process.
2) - You appear to be a strong willed and determined person who by your own admission have come through many traumas in your life - AND you have survived - so far! (see - testament to that character thing I mentioned).
3) - Try to remember what way things were before all of the dilemmas and unfortunate outcomes...there must have been many good times, with lots to do and lots to look forward to. The loyalty and compassion of many animals and some humans keep us well bonded but ultimately we are an animal that needs to cope to survive and keep one step ahead of the game. Remember - you are resilient, you have feelings, emotions, depth of character and a fascinating insight into your own well-being - that means a hell of a lot.
You have friends here Horse - who will listen, who will understand, who will not judge and who will respect you. I'm always glad to listen.
Your friend
C2B :hugs:
Many thanks to you.
Sadly, it's my pain that makes me think and feel this way. All I want is to be free from the stomach pain so I can work again. Then I will be able to try and move on. Unfortunately, the Gastroenterologists cannot find anything to cause the discomfort so I'm between a rock and a hard place!
I cannot get another pet because I cannot bear the pain when they die. I know it's selfish of me but at the moment I think my frame of mind is probably priority. My lack of confidence and self esteem needs much work. But it's the stomach issues that are more important to me right now.
You are all so kind. Thank you.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome Horse and it's taken a huge toll on my life. The doctors are no help whatsoever. But you need to retain the hope that someday you will be free of the stomach pain, whether it just goes away or you find a treatment. Post on here as much as you like, we'll all support you, but please speak to the Samaritas or someone xxx
:hugs: I'm so sorry Horse. I cant imagine how much difficult things must be for you and I'm thinking and praying for you. I feel with regards to these thoughts; we all have fleeting thoughts don't we? As you say, we all think "I can't do this; this is beyond my capabilities; I'm not cut out for this" and then something eventually proves to us that yes, we can keep going, we do have the strength. The very fact that you get out of bed in the morning tells me just how strong you are.
I'm not sure if what you are contemplating is a wise decision - from my perspective anyway. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - remember the saying "This too will pass"; these feelings are temporary and although it may not seem like it right now, one day things will change for the positive. Once you have done this there's no way of going back - and there's no guarantee it will work either. My mum tried it in her twenties - more as a cry for help - and thank God she failed each time.
Lots of people want you. Think of all the people here that you have touched in some way. The think I like about NMP is that not many of us know each other in real life; often we don't have a clue about the other person we are talking to in terms of looks, status and money - but we want to help anyway That to me is what humanity is all about. We all value you here due to your personality - none of us care what you look like, how old you might be. The people who do care are the people who don't matter.
Feeling sick is a tough one. Why not try small simple foods that are easy on the stomach? Cereal, toast with butter, crackers, porridge, custard, soup, noodles... A good one is to really pig out, buy all the foods you love - if it gets you eating its worth it.
I wonder if it's worth trying a new GP - sometimes it can take a while before you find a really good one; you might need to shop around a bit.
I wonder also if you have tried counselling? Even contacting the samaritans. breathing space, saneline - they might offer a listening ear and maybe some advice. Samaritans you can email too (jo@samaritans.org as far as I recall) or even write a letter - their adress is on their webpage so lots of options there.
Employment might not be what you are looking for right now, have you thought about voluntary work? Maybe working for a charity or community organisation? A quick google search or asking at the library should find you something?
I'm not going to say "DO NOT DO IT" because that will probably have little effect - this is at the end of the day your own choice - just that this might not be the only option open to you.
I do know of people who are bereavers of suicide victims; a school friend's mother hung herself when friend was five and her sister was new-born. Postnatal depression and marital difficulties, with additional stress from a neighbour. She was a very quiet woman, very gentle and never spoke out of turn to anyone - much like yourself I imagine. Most of the village attended her funeral. Most people still struggle to think about it, not least those closest to her. The anguish is evident on her widow's face.
I'm not saying that to make you feel at all guilty - but if you went ahead I very much doubt that people would not be affected. Quite the opposite in fact.
You mention "God Bless You" at the bottom of your post. I wonder if that too might provide you with some comfort? I'm a practicing Catholic (well, I try) and believe God's always there to help you. Whatever you've done, said or thought He'll always be there to give you a hand. Any kind of faith or belief can be a great comfort.
Hope things start to look up, you know where I am, keep posting.
Love Linda
(daisycake)
:hugs: XX
ladybird64
10-01-11, 12:26
Horse, I have found your post very touching, you put your point across clearly.
Please don't not take offence at my question but in response to what you have written you will understand why I ask.
Have you considered that the nature of these pains may be caused by a psychological problem? Don't think I am saying they are not real, they obviously are but if all tests have shown there is no physical cause for what is happening have you considered the other possibiity?
I don't know, I'm guessing based on the information you have posted. Maybe if the psychological side of things (if that's what it is) was addressed your pain would start to minimise too.
As regards your ultimate question..please believe me when I say I understand. There have been issues in my life where I would quite rationally have shuffled off this mortal coil without a second thought.
I have nearly lost my life 3 times..literally.(Through illness) I have been extremely ill and on life support, have recovered and gone home. There are still times even given the fact that I have been "spared", I couldn't take any more and desperately wanted out.
The fact of the matter is that we can never be sure, absolutely certain of what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month. I'm the not the eternal optimist but have hope that I can turn things around, that there will always be something in this life that makes me want to be here.
I sincerely hope that you find something that persuades you that there is always a chance of change.
Take care :hugs:
Hello dear friend
I can't think of anything better than other people have said just that you have friends here who will always be happy to talk to you when you feel the need.
:bighug1:
Many thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply to my post.
On a lighter but ironic note, some of you have suggested The Samaritans.
Would you believe I did go and see them about 10 years ago when all this kicked off. I was sitting opposite a woman telling her all about things and to my disbelief, the bloody woman was asleep!!! Doesn't do much for your self esteem does it. No, it's something I can deal with myself.
As I said it's the stomach pain under my right ribs that's the cause of my suicidal thoughts. I just want to be pain free that's all.
Ladybird64.
Funny enough, I believe that the whole thing is probably Psychsomatic.
I studied Psychology for 10 years and I believe that whatever happens above the eyebrows, is responsible for whatever happens below the eyebrows. However, as you say, the pain is very real.
Daisycake.
Yes, there is something that makes us turn to God or religion when we are at rock bottom isn't there? I must admit, when you are on your own and there's no one to listen, then perhaps that's what the Bible is for. I believe in God, simply because one day a few years ago, He sent me an Angel who did save my life and befriend me. Gladly, she still is a very good friend of mine. Without her I would be gone by now. However, that was before my pain.
Diva, JaneC, Chuffed2bits, Baileys, Captain Caveman, ChrisK and anyone else.
I am comforted by your words of kindness and wisdom. Thank you so much for your contribution.
May whatever God you have keep you all safe and heal your suffering.
Horse.
I have thought long and hard before posting this, but it is something that I wonder about and would be curious to know if anyone else feels the same.
To the best of my knowledge, I would say that I'm reasonably normal in mind, or closest to whatever 'normal' means. OK, the Anxiety is irrational but generally speaking I think that I can live my live in a general, reasponsible manner.
However, there comes a time when even the most intelligent 'compas mentis' person suffering the everyday torture thinks 'I've had enough.' I have noticed this now begins to enter my mind or thoughts on a more frequent occurance probably because I am sick and tired of feeling in pain 24 hours, when being told by medical professionals that they cannot find anything wrong with me (apart from suspected IBS).
Over the past 10 years, I have watched my life slowly go down hill. This started with my wife having an affair and leaving me because she found my then Anxiety level and, might I add me 'pathetic' because I wasn't 'a man'.
Needless to say my anxiety level naturally increased. I didn't eat for 2 weeks and only slept through exhaustion. Then my Mother died and again the downward spiral continued. I then discovered that my wife had in actual fact been 'seeing' more than one person and appeared to take it in her stride to have the odd fling with whoever admired her from then on. Although this started ten years ago, it still seems like yesterday and the pain although tolerable is nothing compared to the memories of our time together. My only consolation were my two dogs who at least were always glad to see me. Obviously, animals don't live forever and 5 years ago they both sadly died within 4 months of each over. It was then that my world really did crash down and my loneliness really did kick in.
My Anxiety symptoms then naturally went through the roof and my work suffered as so did my health. Since then I have been a regular visitor to A and E and had all the tests and procedures related to stomach issues. Blood, Urine, Xray, CT and Ultra scan, Endoscopies and Colonoscopies. Only IBS has been 'suspected' and therefore the medication for IBS and stomach acid susequently provided for. Sadly with very little or no effect.
Currently, I am no longer able to work becuase of the daily discomfort, nausea, fear and depression. My social life is zero because I'm always ill to go out plus the Anxiety prevents me from doing anything anyway. I appear to live on a pitance because of Government cut backs etc. My weight is going down because most days I feel too sick to eat anything substantial.
My life has become very boring and depressing due to my illness. I have no family so therefore I get up and no ones there and I go to bed and there's no one there. Anyway, who would want a man in this state, a 56 year old stick insect with Anxiety and no work?
Therefore, my point is, in theory, do I suffer day in and day out, slowly dying inside of pain and misery or, do I set myself free and take the tablets? I am very grateful for the wonderful gift of life but mine is only a daily exsistance of suffering and I now realise that there are many more people in heaven who love me than there are on earth. I'm not sure I can wait for my natural demise that long.
Am I the only one who thinks like this?
God bless you.
Horse.
dont please my good man you can and will get better time is a healer so dont cut out the time !!
westofengland
10-01-11, 23:23
Hang in there! Sounds like you have a lot of grief over your past relationship problems, and low self esteem. Things can get better if you start to work on these issues and stop beating yourself up for your perceived failiures.
Like ladybird says, we never know what will happen, which is the curse (but also the blessing) of us professional worriers! I don't condemn anyone who takes their own life - god knows I have thought about it a few times and still do sometimes - but it's kind of like an expression of the ultimate need for control, and certainty.... I just think it's a terrible shame.
You may think you are alone but hopefully all the people on this site have shown their unconditional love and support for you. Hang in there! God is love.
Hi Horse,
Let us know how you are please?
Thinking of you. :hugs:
xBettyBoopx
11-01-11, 00:46
Hi Horse
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and have been going through with all these nasty (to put it mildly) things happening to you. You are so not alone with how you feel, personally I feel like that most days! I struggle to find a reason to get out of bed and I feel pointless and useless.
I would say that I cannot believe the woman at the samaritans fell asleep, but nothing surprises me anymore!!
People say that there is always a point to every life but I disagree.
Please know you are not alone in respect of how you feel. I am thinking of you and wishing/hoping/praying that life does a 180 degree turn for you and me and all others who are finding life too difficult.
Love
Els
xxx
Horse,
Some people I have spoken to, tell me they'd never actually commit suicide, but to know there is a choice to live or die, makes them feel more in control, if that makes any sense.
I a so sorry to learn what happened with your wife, and then losing your dogs. Pets are such a comfort and offer unconditional love.
It takes one small step to change a life around..just one. I don't know enough about you to even suggest when or how. I do know anything is possible.
There was a study done in Germany where psychologists worked with IBS and other, similar stomach ailments. The talking therapy worked for a big % of people.
Problem is, so many things have happened and then you kind of circle inward...making the symptoms worse which makes us more anxious and sad, which encourages mores symptoms.....you get the picture. Breaking into that cycle is hard but it is possible.
Are there any support groups in your area?
Horse, I hope you are ok tonight. I don't want to labour the point about speaking to someone if you don't feel that's right for you but wanted to say that having one bad experience with the Samaritans doesn't mean they are all bad. I once saw a psychologist who was unbelievably horrible, really nasty, but I have also had good experiences of another psychologist and several psychiatrists x
Horse
Nothing new i can add that hasnt been said already but i found your post really touching.
:hugs:
mandie x
Once again many thanks to all those who have replied to me and expressed concern.
It's funny isn't it how people you have never met or had any previous contact with show so much love and concern for you but the ones who you love never care!
Just to answer a couple of points that some of you have mentioned. Sadly, my Health Anxiety prevents me from going out to a certain degree. Unfortunately, over the years I appear to have developed quite a few phobias which have crept up on me. Agoraphopia and Claustrophobia is quite bad, as well as the 'What if' syndrome. In other words, I fear going out incase I become ill and embarress myself. I have also noticed an awful sense of insecurity over the past 10 years has taken over. I guess years of rejection and emotional abuse is responsible for this. Needless to say, Social Phobia has become quite strong and I become very self conscious when in public. My emotions run high all the time and I will normally fill with tears everytime I hear of cases of child or animal cruelty (beginning to fill up just typing the words).
I get up in the morning and look in the mirror and think 'who would want someone like me'? I see a man slowly becoming old and sad, round shoulders replace the ones that once stood so proud and happy!
My main passion has been Photography for the last 40 years. If anything, I gain great pleasure from this and also from creating my own 'fantasy' digital art which I reproduce from my pictures. I would like do nothing more than to be able to do this for a living, but I know it will never happen owing to my severe Anxiety symptoms. But nevertheless, it is a world that I can become lost in and on the odd occasions when I am well enough to get out with my camera, nothing else matters anymore and I am happy. My pain usually disappears and I feel at peace. I built my own photo website and exhibit my work there. Basically, it's trying to prove to people that I am showing the world what I have inside me. What I can create in my heart and that I am not useless or 'pathetic' as I have been told over the years.
Sadly, that is all I have left, my camera and a small amount of talent.
Perhaps one day I will be lucky enough to meet someone who loves me for what I am and not for what they want me to be! Unfortunately, that day is probably far away owing to my difficulties and current problems. They say that young women are now beginning to fancy older men............I'm just wondering how old I've got to bloody well get before they fancy me!!!!!
Thank you once again for your kind words and care.
Please excuse my swearing and any typing errors.
Your compassion has given my heart a reason to give an extra beat.
'Love the one you're with.'
Horse.
ladybird64
11-01-11, 12:17
We would like that heart to keep on beating for the unforeseeable future if you don't mind. :winks:
Horse my friend..you come across as an eloquent, compassionate person who also has a good sense of humour. You also have anxiety issues like the rest of NMP..and how many members has this site got? So we don't know what you look like in person..like we would care anyway!. :lac:
Everyone that has resonded to your original post has done so because we "get it"..we know it hurts like hell and that there seem to be logical reasons for contemplating the "S" word..but we also know that us anxer's cannot predict the future and that things CAN change.
We do NOT think you are pathetic and I happen to believe that our opinions count for a fair bit. :D
I do still think (don't get cross!) that there are ways that you can try to break free of these confines you have but as always, it takes a lot of courage and a certain amount of faith in oneself.
You "lose" yourself in your photography world and I would hazard a guess that there are a heck of a lot of photographers that do exactly the same, maybe even for the same reasons.
Your talent and your photography are expressions of who you are..can you believe yourself that you are not useless or pathetic?
A sackload of total strangers who have read your posts want you to figure out a way to stay around..perhaps start to make one small change and positive things will follow. Perhaps an answer to the question of the pain and how it can be tackled.
Stay please..we like your company. :hugs:
allergyphobia
11-01-11, 12:26
Great words Ladybird
:hugs:
countrygirl
11-01-11, 12:41
Oh Horse I smiled and I cried while reading all the posts especially yours. I know how you feel as do alot of others on here. I posted re feeling suicidal a couple of nights ago due to no sleep and weird sensation when trying to get to sleep. I know today after a good nights sleep even with the weird sensations that it was my horrible panic I was wanting to get away from. The posts I got on here in reply to mine really helped me to calm down and change how I was feeling/panicking at least for last night!
You mentioned you have a website of your pictures - is it for public consumption???
Due to childhood trauma my one consuming fear is being left alone so I can understand so much how you must be feeling in that respect - the fact you are still here is to me with my fear amazing. You are stonger than you think.
You said you have had endless investigations for your pain under right rib- has a gallbladder problem being compeltely ruled out - just asking because a friend of mine had pain for years and kept being told her gallbladder was fine on scans tests etc but eventually they took it out and her pain went???? whether this was phsycosomatic or she just had a problem gallbladder she never knew - if you have already had yours out then skip this!!!
Keep here please your posts are wonderful - sad but alot of the time you also make me laugh - I love the way you can laugh at yourself and I for one can identify with your comments so much:hugs:
Ladybird.
Thank you so much for your kind compliments.
I have had many people say that I have a excellant dry sense of humour but sadly, most of the best comedians wear a mask in order to hide their inner torture and suffering! Again, some of the greatest artists have constantly fought the pain that cripples their soul and as a result, have produced breathtaking work. Spiritually, I know longer live in this world as far as I'm concerned. We are all surrounded by abuse, be it mental, physical, emotional and sexual. People are starving while we are more concerned about technology. The drug companies are not too eager to find a cure for Anxiety because they are making millions out of the likes of us. We are now told to expect a 'hard' year ahead. Great fun! Therefore, I will continue my daily struggle to live in my own world of peace, love and compassion and devote myself to my art.
Thank you once again.
Countrygirl.
I too suffered from the 'fear of being alone' syndrome. I would panic everytime my wife went to work. Now of course, I am constsntly alone and therefore have no choice. Strange enough, it doesn't bother me anymore (the fear that is). I believe it probably substituted itself into another fear that I didn't have back then, a problem known as 'Symptom Substitution' in psychology. For the record, I had my gallbladder removed in 2009, since then, I've had no end of problems but they say there is nothing evident so hence my situation. I completely understand your nightime anxiety fear. The 'evils of darkness' are no strangers to us sufferers and it would appear that the devil is always ready to breath down our necks untill morning comes if we let him! Yes, my website is available for public viewing but I didn't intend to do a commercial for it or blow my own trumpet. If you would like a link then I will PM it to you as I don't wish to use this wonderful site for advertising purposes. (Hope you are looking after your nails and not cutting yourself to much by the way).
Have faith.
Many thanks to all.
Horse.
Hi Horse
Just checking in to say hello.
You come across as an eloquent, sensitive and lovely man.
We are all here for you - keep posting.
:bighug1:
Thank you Diva.
You are most kind.
westofengland
11-01-11, 23:11
How you doing Horse?
When you feeling better, three suggestions
* You talk a lot about your body and low self esteem and relationships. This is something you can do something about - why not start to get fit again? Exercise is a great way to feel better and you don't need to join a gym, you can do press ups and jog.
* Keep up the photography. I work in the photography business and suffer from anxiety too. Send me a private message if you want to talk more about how you find photography therapeutic, I'm also a journalist and I know one of the big photography magazines might be interested in this story (thereby also promoting your work)
* Your GP can fix up you with further counselling for free
Horse, I can tell from your posts you are a smart, educated guy. So it's about focussing on what you can change about yourself in a positive way rather than brooding on what you can't change. Good luck and email me privately any time you want to talk off forum
Many thanks Westofengland.
I have PM'd you.
Horse.
Hi Horse
Just checking in with you.
I'm glad you've hooked up with Westofengland - He sounds like a lovely guy too and has also been through a bad time. Good for both of you to have some boy talk!
xx
scaredstiff695
12-01-11, 22:41
hi horse
really hope you can find a way to keep on smiling... anxiety is so hard harder still when poeple cant understand i find this forum so helpfully when your feeling down just to read that someone else feels the same way too and together you can help each other. no in the past few days alone ive felt hopless worthless and wante dto die but that isnt the answer. xx
thats lettng the panc win
stay strong xxx
Thank you Diva and Scaredstiff for your kind words and comforting thoughts.
Horse.
Hi Horse,
I'm new here (joined a few weeks ago). I too have had thoughts like you described. I feel ashamed to say that though, as my grandad commited suicide when I was 18, so I have been on the other side too.
I don't think I would ever do anything but like others have said, I want a stop to the miserable existence that is anxiety. I know that all suicide does is leave many many people heartbroken. You say you have no one but then you talk of your lovely friend, so you do, as well as many many people on here.
What I wanted to chip in and say was that as well as having anxiety I am a nurse, and when you said you had your Gall Bladder out 2 years ago I wonder if they have thought of adhesions? This is scar tissue that builds up at a site of previous surgery...and i know the pain can be excrutiating. Worth a thought?
Take care, keep safe,
Midgey.
Yes, I thought about adhesions as well but the Gastroenterologist has not mentioned anything sadly.
Personally, I can't see this being solely IBS as the pain is always upper right quadrant to centre and after being on Buscopan and now Mebeverine for IBS neither which have made any difference, I am beginning to wonder.
My suicidal thoughts are more related to my constant discomfort in my stomach as oppose to my Anxiety and loneliness. My life has changed so much owing to the pain that I no longer live properly anymore. I agree when our Anxiety is strong then I can sometimes force myself to do things and go out etc., even though I am Agora and Claustrophobic, but with pain, it's a different story. No one wants to do anything when they're in pain.
However, maybe one day God will answer my prayer and relieve my suffering. I continue to live in hope.
Thank you also for being a Nurse. It is sad how many Nurses suffer from Anxiety. Is it the Anx that makes them a Nurse or the Nurse that makes them Anxious?? Anyway, May God bless you all.
Horse.
Fuzzylogic.
Thank you for your reply.
Yes, I have been tested for the H Bacteria (via a stool sample) but negative.
My last Endoscopy was done last April and showed no sign of erosion or ulcer.
As I stated, all tests have proven negative and therefore IBS has been presumed. However, I am slightly bemused by the fact that I suffer pain all day and everyday which renders me pretty much useless in my book. I was led to believe that IBS does come and go and is usually relieved slightly by medication and diet, neither of which appear to have much affect.
Therefore, I have my doubts as to their diagnosis!
Horse.
Thanks for reply Fuzzylogic.
I very much appreciate your compassion and advice.
The way I look at it is.....I will either make it or I won't.
Bless you.
Horse.
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