Gay issue, advice needed please..

[Lonely Boy]

Hello friends,

This is my first post and its taken me a very long time to pick up the courage to write this. But i really hope you good people will understand and hopefully give me some advice.

Well i have been awfully unhappy for many years now and inside me i know the reason, yes this has eaten away at me for over 20 years i am now 35 years of age and i can't go on anymore, i have never let anyone know until now the pain and torment i have put myself through for so long..

I am Gay and not in the happy sense of the word, if only. I have known since probably around 10 years old, the thing is i cannot accept i am and nor do i think i ever will. I have nothing at all against gay people although i don't know of any personally, there is good and bad people in all walks of life, so my issue is not with gay people but with MYSELF..

I have never had a gay relationship i have tried a few straight relationship's but they have failed, and i so wanted them to workout but i know that will never be and is wrong of me. I would love to be straight and i know i would love a family, i would give everything, and i know i would work hard and shower them with love, believe me i have tried, but there is that little thing which all good relationships must have and i can't give that, it just doesn't work for me, i feel such a failure and its unfair of me to think any girl could possibly live with me when i can't give her everything that she should get from a relationship..

I have gone through my life avoiding situations, and now i find myself sad and lonely and can't face the rest of my life like this.

I have thought about ending it all, but i could never hurt my family that way it would be so selfish of me as i know they love me so much, but i do wish i hadn't been born.

When i was growing up i would think to myself i will grow out of it, but here i am lost lonely and sad.

I can't bring myself to speak to anyone about this, there is no solving this problem that i can see, i am trapped not moving anywere and have been here for a very long time and its a lonely place.

My doctor knows i am sad but not the reason, and has put me forward for CBT, but its not going to make me want to be gay. I am stuck in a person i don't want to be and can't take anymore, that is why i am calling to you all please help me.

Please i don't want this to come across anti gay because its not. How can it be wrong to show love to another human wether it be male or female, you dont have a choice as to which sex you are attracted to, if that were the case i wouldn't be pouring my heart out to you all now.

I just don't know were i go from here, its an impossible situation for me and i find it so difficult to talk about it. I am desprate for some help some advice of what you think i should do. do you know anyone who has been in this situation? anyone who will understand me?

If you dont want to post on the thread, please feel free to message me.


Lonely Boy.

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Lonely Boy

I am sorry to hear you feel so torn with your feelings.

I am not really able to offer you too much in the way of practical advice but only to say that we have a family friend who too didnt except himself as being gay for many years.

I think it was only the eventual acceptance that he was gay that got him through.

I think acceptance of yourself, no matter what the issue is, is the only way forward.

Is there a friend/family member you can talk to, or any other websites that might help you.

Its all very well talking with a counsellor but unless you are honest to yourself then you may find yourself in the same boat.

I would imagine that you are in a place that you dont want to be but you need to give yourself a BIG break, be kind and true to yourself.

I wish you loads of luck for the future.

Take care.

[paula lynne]

Hi, I just wanted to say welcome to the forum, youll get plenty of help and support here and make some good friends along the way x:welcome:

[Lynnann]

Hi Lonely Boy,

I don't have any experience of how to accept that you are gay except that some of my good friends are.

It is just a part of who you are, my experiences differ but we all need to accept who we are and learn to love ourselves:)

Avoiding situations only magnifies them, that approach I have tried :)
Perhaps the CBT can help with that behavioural pattern?

You seem like a good. honest and loving individual, please try to remember that while you decide what you want your future to be:)

Lynnann:flowers:

[KK77]

Hi Lonely Boy - firstly welcome to NMP.

Your issue is obviously about acceptance but do you want to be accepted by others first, before you accept YOURSELF? This is an important question for you. Whatever sexual orientation we may have in life, some people will accept us and some won't. There is no such thing as "normal" - only what the majority in a society follow and do.

There is no easy way to acceptance. You must look at all the reasons why you don't like the way you are. And is this society's perception of you or your OWN?

Finally, it sounds as though you've isolated yourself from both groups. Your first step, before "acceptance", is to slowly move back into socialising and spending time with people - gay or straight. This would be my first piece of advice.

You've raised so many issues here that it's not possible to reply to them all but I hope that helps somewhat and wish you luck.

[suzy-sue]

I agree with the last poster .You are who you are. be it straight or gay .Only by accepting this and talking to others who have experienced the same will you realise its the accepting thats the hardest part to do .There are lots of Forums for Gay people .So it might be a good place to start .Im sure you will find that many of them have felt like you do .It s no good trying to lead a heterosexual life if you are gay .But at the moment you are denying yourself any kind of meaningful realationship you could have .Dont judge yourself there is nothing wrong with who you are ,and Im sure once you begin to accept yourself you will wonder why you have been feeling like this .Some things cannot be changed no matter how hard you try .There is a helpline for Gay people but I dont know the number it can depend where you live .Maybe you could google it ?.They will be able to offer you some good advice .A lot of Gay people find they feel better once they have come out .Its a big step but this can take the pressure off and can help with the acceptance part .Maybe this is too soon for you now judging by your post .Till then be kind toyourself and good luck with finding a forum or helpline .I really think it will help .Keep us posted .luv Sue xx:hugs:

[Lonely Boy]

Thanks for your kind words and support.

I am so upset right now i can't think straight, i know you are right i either accept this is me and this is my life or i battle through day after day tormented that i wish i had a wife and family, or i end the suffering.

Thing is i am a very shy, self concious, and reserved person. I have only a small circle of friends and none are gay that i am aware of, well most are settled down with familys of there own, something which i envy so much..

I have felt strong love for women and i do still, but its a love of wanting to cherish care and protect but i have never felt that electric pulse, that spark that fire, and to be perfectly honest i have only meet a few people in my life to whom i have felt that way, and all have been older i did wonder if it was connected to me losing my father at a young age, i am not saying that made me gay certainly not but did that make me want that type of figure in my life..

If i am gay which i am pretty sure i am, how do i ever find anyone who i can relate to or who understands, i am not intrested in the "Gay Scene" really that is not my thing, if i have a thing, so looks like i am a minority within a minority and that makes things even harder for me.

I really dont know whats going to happen, i just know i cant go on like this and i dont know how to meet and make friends anymore, i really am stuck in one enormous rut which i can't seem to see a way out..

Please if you think you have any idea, thoughts any websites which may help, or of personal advice, please share with me, i really need your help and support so much right now.

Thankyou.

Lonely Boy

[Rain]

Hello Lonely Boy,

First, let me say how well you have expressed yourself, and what a thoughtful person you seem to be. I can see that you are very sad about all this and feel that happiness can never be yours.

I am a lesbian who came out thirteen years ago at the very age you are now… thirty-five. I would describe my life before that as ‘confused’ and quite unhappy.

I hear you when you say you cannot accept that you are gay. But I think the key to your sadness with the whole situation can be found in your sentence ‘I don’t know of any [gay people] personally’.

Before I came out I didn’t know any gay people either. I had a stereo-typical view of what gay people might be like and didn’t feel that fitted me.

Once I took that bold first step and actually met some gay people, I realised they are folk just like anyone else, in happy families living their lives, and by and large, a million miles from being lonely and confused.

My whole life changed for the better after I came out and the last thirteen years have been the happiest of my life. I can not emphasise enough how amazing it feels to finally allow yourself to be yourself. Coming out as gay to yourself (and by that I mean accepting yourself for who you really are) is hard for everyone at first. But the really surprising thing is, very few people will judge you badly for it. I live in a very rural, traditional community in the West of Ireland and expected all manner of problems. They just didn’t happen.

You have already said that you believe love cannot be wrong and that you know people can’t choose their sexual orientation. I’m guessing your main worry is the fear of what other people will think. If they are worth knowing they will see that you are still you, and just happen to be gay, and they will accept you just as before.

Talking to other gay people can’t do you any harm, and I believe is the way forward for you. You CAN be that happy family guy with lots of love to give. You’ll just be a happy gay family guy.

I never really felt ‘normal’ until AFTER I came out, met my partner and blossomed into the happy, loved person I am today.

There is a happy future for you, you just need to see it to believe it. Take the first step and talk to some gay people. It can’t do any harm and could just change your life. I wish you the best of luck for the future.

[suzy-sue]

Thats a lovely post Rain .:hugs: I have sent you another pm Lonely boy .Stay positive What Rain says makes so much sense ..t/c Sue :hugs:

[paula lynne]

Excellent posts by MM and Rain x:yesyes:

[Dahlia]

Hi Lonely Boy

Welcome to the site, and well done for being able to post about your feelings. I'm so sorry you feel so bad right now.

Perhaps the first step might be to discuss your feelings with a counsellor from a gay/lesbian centre? This is an example of a service offered in Manchester, for example: http://www.lgf.org.uk/directory/view/face-to-face-counselling-services. As you'll see you can talk to a counsellor about any issue - whether you're finding it hard to accept your sexuality, or are unsure, or are feeling depressed and anxious. These services are offered in lots of places around the UK and are usually very cheap or free. Maybe it would be good to talk over the issues in depth, with someone like this type of counsellor, who has probably been in your situation. Perhaps, when you feel more confident, you could join a support group within the centre, maybe make some friends who are gay, share your experiences, talk to people who understand.

I have several gay friends - some are/were into the 'scene', others simply weren't. Same way some people like going clubbing, others prefer to go for meals with friends. With sites like meetup.com, there are lots of ways of meeting like-minded people, whether gay or straight, from all over the country.

And remember - you can still be in a gay couple and have children, via various means. I know several gay and lesbian couples with children. Everything you want in life is still just as attainable whether you are gay or straight - love is love, doesn't matter who we choose to love (unless it's a wall or something, that is kinda odd). You just need to reach the point where you accept yourself, and can let yourself embrace your life and all its potentials rather than feeling you have no place in it.

Maybe take the first step with a counsellor/support group as I mentioned above. You'll feel anxious the first time you go, naturally, but you may find it gives you a tremendous amount of relief and release as a result. And help you on your way to attain the love, and family that you really want, and are completely within reach.

Let us know how you get on.

Dahlia

[ChrisK]

You live in a very gay-friendly country, there are lots of LGBT groups you could join. You will find acceptance, be proud for who you are. :hugs:

[harasgenster]

Hi
Have you any insight into the reason you don't want to be gay? Is it because you don't want to be part of the "gay scene" or are you worried about people not accepting your sexuality or is it mostly because you want a family (or another reason)?

In some ways CBT might help because maybe some of the fears are coming from you jumping to conclusions. For instance, would it make you feel better if you knew there were many people who aren't part of a "gay scene" at all - all of my gay friends don't like the stereotypical party/camp side of things and are attracted to men that seem stereotypically "straight". You wouldn't need to change your lifestyle at all.

If you're worried about meeting other gay men or being alone among your straight friends, maybe you could start investigating ways to speak to other gay men. You don't need to go to gay bars or change your lifestyle in any way, I haven't checked but I'm sure there are support groups and I would be surprised if there weren't other gay social groups that don't revolve around what you might think of as being the stereotypical activities of clubbing etc.

As for wanting a family. Being gay no longer means not being married or having kids. Gay men's rights are more equal now than they used to be and you don't need to write off this future.

Perhaps you need to look at it this way: Being straight or gay doesn't change who you are. It's not an identity and it's not a lifestyle choice. You are you and will continue to be who you have always been. What gender you are attracted to is far more arbitrary than many of us treat it to be. Whether you are gay or straight you have your own personality, your own tastes and your life choices - this is your identity and your sexuality will never change that.

I understand why you feel like a minority within a minority because I think without knowing a lot of gay people you don't realise that many do are not how they are portrayed on TV and the media's main portrayal of gay people, in my opinion, is a rather stereotypical one. Gay people aren't all camp, they don't all enjoy the same things and they don't all prescribe to a certain lifestyle. There are many, many people out there just like you and once you feel able to accept yourself and seek support you will meet them.

Talking here was very brave of you and an important first step. I agree that the next step might be to find a counsellor or support group you feel comfortable with and talk about it in private with them. You needn't suddenly come out to friends and family, just speaking to anyone you feel able to will help, then you can tell your nearest and dearest when you feel ready.

Perhaps what you need to ask yourself is what does being gay mean to you? What do you expect will happen if you accept that sexuality for yourself? Try to get down to the bottom of it and then ask yourself if any of your fears are really true or if maybe there are other ways of looking at it.

The people I know who have come out have been transformed from depressed, quiet people into happy and relaxed people. If anything, I think your friends would be overjoyed to see you happy and accepting of yourself, that's going to be more important to the people who love you than whether you are gay or straight.

Take care

[Lonely Boy]

I really must thankyou all so much for the reply's and personal messages you have sent me, i really appreciate you all, for the support you have given me, its heart warming to know that so many of you care..


It really has been so difficult for me to make this first post, but i can honestly say i am so glad i did.


When i was younger i was just a normal teenager but then i started to feel different to my friends, whilst they were always on about different girls etc. I didn't get the same feelings and felt awkward, i tried a few relationships and to be honest they didn't work out and i felt ashamed and a failure so i thought i must be gay. But i had no real intrest in men either, well not in a sexual way. I felt something was not right with me i couldn't relax. I withdrew from friends and abstained from getting involved in any relationship wether it be straight or gay, it was easier that way because i wouldn't have to endure awkward situations, or make excuses or even lie, to make life easier for me and not to hurt other peoples feelings, i find it difficult to be untrue so instead i became distant. I thought i couldn't for fill a straight relationship, and didn't want a gay relationship so i guess i hid away. The down side to this i have became a very lonely unhappy person. I dont have a great number of friends but i need all the ones i have got at the moment, its been mentioned that if friends don't accept you for who you are they are not worth the friendship. I know some of my friends views on this subject and althought it angers me with their narrow minded views, they do have many good qaulitys and i would be a broken man if i lost thier friendships.

Its all very well me telling this to you over the internet, but i dont think i could bring myself to say this to my GP or the CBT therapst.

My life is just going to work coming home having tea, and then bed and work again, i am really low and the thought of it been like this for the rest of my life makes me suicidal, but i feel so so trapped, but i don't know were to start to try and change it.


The thought of raising this issue with my GP fills me with anxiety, anyone got any tips on how i could possibly approach this subject?



Lonely Boy.

[Groundhog]

Hi Lonely boy,

A lot of therapists deal with sexual problems as well as a myriad of other issues. The psychologist I saw certainly did. When I saw her the talk got round to sexual issues and in particular early dating (I’m strait by the way) and I held back because I had never discussed anything like it before with anyone other than my wife. I remember in one conversation searching for a word to replace a naughty word (I don’t swear so was struggling) and she just said it for me, at that point the connection between me and her just opened up suddenly I could say anything and did not matter, we were discussing aspects of my sex life I would not dream of repeating on a forum and she was so matter-of-fact and relaxed about it, in fact we laughed at some of it.

In truth, and I appreciate it is hard to accept, doctors and therapists have heard and seen it all before probably on a daily basis in some instances. Get in there and let it all out I guarantee it will make you feel better. :)

[Lonely Boy]

Wow Groundhog i am really glad your therapist made you feel comftable. I can understand about not swearing i never swear, i feel embarrased if i do and go red. Although i don't mind people swearing each to there own, i think when i was a child i was told its wrong to swear and i still feel uncomftable now.

One of my biggest bug bear with speaking about sensetive subject's is if i think the person i am speaking to feels nervous or embarrased, if i sense this i couldn't continue as i feel i would be putting them into a uncomftable place and couldn't do that to anyone. I guess thats why i feel so nervous about approaching the subject as i would hate to think i put someone in an uncomftable posistion..


Lonely Boy.

[European]

When I was 18 years old, I went to see a psychologist and told her I thought I might be gay. I felt so abjectly miserable, frightened and disgusted, I expected her to spit in my face.
Instead she replied in the most unfazed, cheerful and matter of course voice: "If this is who you think you are, I suppose it would be a good idea to go and find out."
This is the best advice I've ever received! And I'm ever so grateful for it, as it pointed the way and saved me (and others!) from untold misery, duplicity and fear. Now, 30 years later, I've never looked back.

Of course it hasn't been all a bed of roses, and there haven't been permanent violins in the sky, but I don't think I can blame my homosexuality for this, as all my straight friends have had all their fair share of trials and tribulations as well. Such is life, and the best one can do is try and deal with it. I've had my fair share of problems in this life, but being gay hasn't been one of them from the moment I plucked up the courage to be who I am and come out. I can genuinely say it set me free.

The biggest problem amongst gay men, at least in my experience, is not just a lack of acceptance of themselves, but something called 'internalised homophobia'.
After all, we've all been brought up as heterosexuals, and this includes all kinds of heterosexual values and prejudices that we (gay people) have absorbed from an early age. Which then produces an inner conflict when the fact becomes more and more insurmountable that one doesn't fit in with those values and prejudices, and there is turmoil at the realisation that one is fundamentally different. What happens, in short, is that we tend to direct all those values and prejudices against our self (after all, we are in the minority and seem to presume irrationally that the majority is always 'right'), thus producing a more or lesser degree of self-loathing.
Most gay people, even more so the more prejudiced and bigoted their background, will have to deal with this inner conflict at some point in their lives and find their way out through this tunnel and define who they are.
The basic question is: Do I want to be myself, or do I want to be a person everybody around me wants and expects me to be? The difficulty is that sometimes the two aren't compatible, which means there might be losses, either way. Having said that, in my experience those losses are much, much more dramatic due to one's worked up frame of mind. In reality, most of my own fears in this respect turned out to be completely unfounded, and I can only laugh when I look back at my misgivings of the time, and with the benefit of hindsight realise how ridiculous a lot of them were.

By the sound of your posts, this particular conflict seems to be the crossroad you've reached right now, lonely boy, and my heart goes out to you and the way you might be feeling right now! I think it's great you've made the first step with starting this thread on here, well done!
As for what to do next from here onward, well.... I think that would be entirely up to you. I don't mean to sound callous, but nobody can (and probably will) decide this for you, but as so often in life, you can only help yourself. Which isn't to say that others can't lead you to water - but you can only do the drinking yourself.

Let me just say that one thing that helped me immensely at times (and not just in this particular context) was the simple image of myself on my deathbed and looking back on my life in an attempt to ascertain whether or not I've made the best of it according to my abilities and expectations.
Wouldn't it be desperately sad never to have allowed oneself to be the fully rounded person everybody is entitled to be, and which doesn't require anybody's permission but one's own? Wouldn't it be furthermore desperately sad not to have allowed oneself to love, and to give and to share, but instead to have locked ones heart and thrown away the key?
And as for children and a family - I know not just a handful of gay people, and not just women, who actually have a family of their own and manage exceedingly well, because they allowed themselves to follow their own vision. After all, only what we *think* of as possible will ever have the chance to actually *be* possible.
With all this in mind, I think you have quite a few choices, lonely boy, and being lonely is just one of them. For your own sake, as well as those around you, I hope you will choose wisely! :winks:

Finally, a couple of tips you were asking for: There is a very good website called outeverywhere.com which isn't predominantly sexual, but does have an emphasis on socialising and meeting people for all kinds of activities in real life, whether sports or shared hobbies, book groups, coffee possies or all kinds of outings. There are lots of interest groups all over the UK.
They have a forum on the website as well, where everything, and not just everything gay, is being discussed. There is also a support forum which would allow you to remain anonymous, just in case you'd like to test the water.
Like everywhere else in the real and cyber world, there will be people on there you might get on with, and others you might not. But by and large I should think it's a good way to become pro-active and make some new friends.

As for books, there is a very good one called "The Velvet Rage", by Dr. Alan Downs, which might help you throw some light on your inner conflict at this moment in time. Also, on the top of my head I can think of a very positive gay film called "Big Eden", which I could recommend to get your spirits up a little.

Hope this helps, and I wish you all the best :smile:

[eternally optimistic]

Hi lonley boy

Doctors, counsellors and the like are all geared up to deal with whatever comes there way. I have yet to find one that is too judgemental. I hope that is the case for you.

When I had counselling a few years ago, I was very lucky that the person I spoke with, felt like they were in my mind. That was probably down to there training and the people they see every day.

You wouldnt put ANYONE in an embarrassing position, please believe that.

Not everyone is comfortable with counselling, maybe you are one of them. I could talk for England, and does help.

I think you can reflect on the posts you have had since your thread was started and that gives you an idea of peoples attitudes - we dont even know you, LOL.

Hang in there, please, and source as much help as you can.

If it means coming on here and having a rant... do it.... there will always be someone who will offer you support.

Keep smiling and best wishes.

[bottleblond]

Hi Lonely guy

You know what hun. No matter if you are gay, straight or Bisexual, you are still a human being like we all are. You're not different , you're not a bad person, you have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. You are a person who deserves a life rather than an exsistance.

You CAN have a loving family, of course you can.

You have to learn to accept yourself and love yourself for exactly who you are, only then will you be able to hold your head up and be proud.

I truely hope you can find the courage and the peace to take even little steps to believe in yourself. We believe in you honey!!

:bighug1:

Love Lisa
xxx

[Lonely Boy]

Really thankyou all so very much, you have made me feel so much happier. Its so amazing how i don't know any of you but you have taken time to write your own experiences, thoughts and offered some fantatic advice. I feel very humble to be amongst such lovely people.

Because of feeling uncomftable with the gay scenario and because of the awkwardness i experienced trying to live the hetrosexual life style i will admit i distanced myself from either from an early age, never meeting people or getting involved just incase it would lead to awkward situations or with me feeling uncomftable.

Now i have come to them crossroads, i realise i can't go through my life hideing away from people just incase, i might feel awkward.

I don't have to shout i am gay from the roof tops or anything like that, i would like to keep it private, well at least until i find out if it really is what i want, surely that would be wise.

Its just i have locked myself away for so long i really, don't know how to do all this meeting friends thing or were to look for gay friends, like i said before i really do not wish to participate in the "Gay scene" it really is not what i am looking for, just wish there was a place were i could meet like minded people just for a chat and a cup of coffee, just to help me feel comftable with the whole idea.

If anyone may know of any forums or groups that may be of intrest to me please reply or send via message.

I really can't thankyou all enough.

Lonely Boy.

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Lonely

It seems your thoughts and ideas are changing.

What you say about locking yourself away, regardless why, is what many of us do.
I have, locked myself away, I work but sociallising not.

So, that is hard to get back into doing it, going out, meeting people.

I really dont think, although Im not entirely sure, that you need to do the "gay" scenes at all.

You just need to socialise and if anything ever materialises in you finding someone, if that is what you want, then so be it. Just the same as it is for everyone, regardless of there gender.

Is there anywhere in your area you could possibly join?

By the way, NO, you dont have to shout you are gay. You want to be private, which, I think is normal. I wouldnt go to a town square and shout IM STRAIGHT -
its not necessary LOL.

Best wishes and start having some fun this year, whatever that might be.

[Simon-Aldershot]

"You just need to socialise and if anything ever materialises in you finding someone, if that is what you want, then so be it. Just the same as it is for everyone, regardless of there gender"

I think that this is one of the hardest aspects of having anxiety and/or depression. How do you socialise? Where do you go to socialise? If you're basically a very shy person, going to a pub (whether gay or straight) can be emotionally extraordinarily tough unless you go with someone. But if you don't have friends to go with ... it's just a spiral / circle, that you can't get off.

To the original poster - I can understand some of your feelings, even though each situation is unique. Perhaps by coming on here, it will begin to open up avenues that you never ever realised could have existed for you.

[crowbar]

Hi Lonely Boy,my name is Liam and i am Gay.I am now 50yrs of age and came out 17years ago when i was 33yrs.I had struggled for years and just like Rain said, once i was true to myself,everything eventually worked out for the better.I too now live in rural ireland with my partner Simon and our two dogs.You seem like a very nice guy with lots of love to give one lucky guy, but you have to love yourself first!!Your true friends will accept you and love you for who you are,and anyone who doesn't,well they are not worth worrying about.Being Gay isn't all about the scene,we live a very quiet, some might say boring life here in Tipperary,just like any other people,going shopping,walking the dogs,go to the local for a few pints.Wish i knew your name,get in touch with A Gay support group where you will meet other people in the very same situation as yourself,your confidence will grow and when YOU are ready you will come out.I cant leave my e-mail address on here and i dont know how to get it to you,but i can only finish by sending you lots of love,hugs and luck for the future,keep us updated,sincerely Liam.:hugs:

[disco2195]

Hi Lonley,

I can relate to how you're feeling as I had issues with my sexuality as well. I had a number if hetrosexual relationships until I got to University and found that I was able to expereince life being gay. Relationships in Uni weren't that forfilling to be honest and well I just stayed in my shell.

I eventually came out at my mates wedding (lol good place I know but she was happy for me and it was late in the night); and I felt all the better for it. My parents were very supportive and I am now in a commited relationships and I am looking forward to my 3rd year with my wonderful fella.

it is important that you feel comfortable, sod what anybody else says! If you do fancy a chat then drop me aline.

Dave

[Anxious_gal]

I think for you it could help to find somewhere, it's ok to be gay.
I don't know where you live, but there are gay helplines, support groups, bars, clubs, gay hotels and B&B's.

What matters most is how you view your own sexuality,

I think if you were in a place that was safe and welcoming like a gay bar it would help you more to accept your self.
You could even go to a different town where no one knows you, It may even take you a few trys to actually go in to the bar. But it's totally normal, they are so many men who are going through this or have gone through this before,

It doesn't matter if your white, black, fat, thin, tall or short there will always be someone who has a problem with you.
The good thing about being yourself is then you really know who are your true friends.

Remember we don't choose who we are attracted to. do straight people ever wonder why they are attracted to the opposite sex, no because it's just who they are.

[cas82]

Hi

Well i've been gay since 17 I started getting feelings as 14 felt different alien to my friends etc, without sounding crude or anything boys changing room is were it starts the wondering eye etc!

I also found the more I looked at websites on the internet I found myself going onto gay ones and being curious.

That,s not to say I don't think Cheryl Cole is stunning :P

The best thing is to try and accept who you are and if you are happy other people will be, and if there not its best to leave them people to get on with there own life.

I'm 28 now I don't like the gay scene at all its very small and can be very bitchy not to say you won't have a fantastic night! But you don't need it there are many support groups and local places you can drop into to meet other guys feeling the same as yourself, you can even go on local walks with gay guys and make friends its not all about dates etc

Also there are dateing/chat websites such as gaydar.co.uk and information on being gay http://www.bgiok.org.uk/ google is your friend!

So don't be ashamed and don't hide it as your life will be full of what if's and you could be lonely into old age frightened of upsetting someone, who knows the love of your life could be out there!

All the best...

[barry2010]

hiya how do you expect to love sombody else if you cant even love yourself ? you must accept who you are if you want to be happy..you are not the only one who is gay in this world - do not fear what others think ...people are so judgemental and if it wasnt for you being gay it would be somthing else !

the first step is to accept who you are ..

[PANIC STATION]

Hi .
My names Chris.
As soon as i read your post i felt your pain. I am now 59 and i remember having feelings for a boy in my class when i was at junior school though i couldn't have described them at the time , but i knew i was different.
I carried on in this subconscious state into my teens. I started dating any girl i could find who would go out with me just to stay in with my mates who by then were all pairing off in groups and it was the most miserable time, particularly as i was uncontrollably in love with one of my best friends but never could show my feelings toward him.
When i was 22 i moved away from home to live in Hampshire and to get away from home. I loved mum and dad but things were not great there. After 18 months down here i had the chance to start my own garage business working on my own. I'd started a social life and got into a band etc but even here i started to get feelings for the drummer. In the band it's true to say that girls tagged along and one very nice girl really took a shine to me and i did like her though like yourself i simply couldn't feel that spark as you put it when the inevitable came along. Her dad was a pilot and her home was often free for her and her brother to do as they please at weekends.
One weekend she asked me if i'd like to stay over with her so i did. The bombshell came when she introduced me to her brother for the first time and it was all i could do to contain myself as he was so beautiful. He was also in the house that night with his girlfriend so i do not need to explain how i felt inside. So there i am 23 years old in bed with this girl lying to her and myself when suddenly her brother walks in her bedroom wearing just a pair of skimpy pants asking after a condom! it was a very open house!!.. I knew then and there that i couldn't lie to myself any more as my body and soul responded in a way i didn't know they could at the sight of his body. I got through the night but this laid the foundation stone for a depression that would carry on until i was 27. I couldn't lead the girl on any longer so i let her go. My business then became the medium through which i escaped but as you know reality has a way of bursting your bubble when you least expect it, and in my case it was when i nearly knocked someone down in the high street while driving my van. WHY! Yes; because i was looking at a young guy walking by. The shock made me instantly aware that i had been doing this sub conciously all the time so it was at this point that i gave in and decided to try and come out. I even knew where to buy Gay Times as it was still pretty underground in 1978.
I did make a social life of a kind and did sleep around at first but by my 30's i recoiled in and disappeared back into my work and that's how i stayed right up till now so i am like you only older.
I really did this to please my parents plus all the usual excuses. Really to please anyone but myself!
I won't rattle on too much but even at 35 you have more time ahead of you than me and if you leave it till my age your life will become one big bereavement. Once again reality is bursting my bubble and of course it's our old friend time! Like you i do feel so alone now especially as i reach retirement and will no longer have the work to run in to.
Please take my advise and do not leave it as long as i have to find someone! but you have to find yourself first. The reason i withdrew was the gay scene itself but this isn't the only medium especially these day's and i do still have gay friends from those day's.
The Gay scene really shows up the grey area of sexuality and really breaks down the definitions of gay and straight. This was bought home to me when i met Roy who was divorced in his 40's with two daughters . He introduced me to his brother who is also gay and divorced with a son and daughter and both of them are gay too so who is there to say what's right. I might add that there are more than a few "straight" married men playing about who can't make their minds up too ! At least you and i seem to know which side our bread's buttered if anything else eh!!
I am currently seeing a very good lady who specializes in child / mother / parent bonding and this has helped me greatly to understand how i see my sexuality as i often identify my looking at men as if through my mothers eyes. I feel i am typical of the Freudian view of the domineering mother and absent,weak father. None of us truly understands our sexuality it's just that heterosexual's don't have to question it like gay men do though it's amazing the fascination they can have with the gay subject. The questions iv'e been asked in the past!!.
It can not be unlearned! Though i have learned that if i look at girls as if through my fathers eyes i can feel sexual toward them which supports the Freudian theory. Trouble is do i want to be Bisexual!!. If any of us are truthful, none of us fall at the extreme ends of the graph, we are all somewhere along it's length.
I learned in my therapy how people communicate 80% through body language and i do know that if your mum and dad really love you they will be sensing your loneliness as much as you do, i know it's the case with mine plus my closest straight friends who are desperate to see me with a partner. I am gradually opening up to people and it's only when you do this without putting on the mask that they and yourself can receive each others body language . Sometimes words are best left out it!. It's the one sure fire way of knowing someone is close to you when they can sense your feelings especially the sad ones and show concern. This is also how you are more likely to meet a guy in everyday life. That's if you really want to.
I'd like to link hands across the water and suggest that if i try to make a break for it will you?!

Good luck on your journey
Chris.

[mtatum4496]

Thanks for your kind words and support.

I have felt strong love for women and i do still, but its a love of wanting to cherish care and protect but i have never felt that electric pulse, that spark that fire, and to be perfectly honest i have only meet a few people in my life to whom i have felt that way, and all have been older i did wonder if it was connected to me losing my father at a young age, i am not saying that made me gay certainly not but did that make me want that type of figure in my life..

If i am gay which i am pretty sure i am, how do i ever find anyone who i can relate to or who understands, i am not intrested in the "Gay Scene" really that is not my thing, if i have a thing, so looks like i am a minority within a minority and that makes things even harder for me.

Lonely Boy

Lonely Boy, you have a lot on your shoulders right now and it may seem impossible to sort out. A few things stuck out to me in your post and maybe this will give you some food for thought.

I belong to a liberal religious community that is open to persons of all orientations, ranging from asexual to hetero and homosexual, bi sexual, and just about any other "sexual" you can think of. Rather than being all that concerned about who consenting adults love, the emphasis on is on encouraging people to find their soul mates, those who they can build a life with.

In reality, there is no such thing as a gay lifestyle or scene any more than there is a straight lifestyle or scene. Just like straight folks, gay and bi folks run the gamut - some are partiers, some are promiscuous, some are stay at home types who want a home with one significant other. If you aren't interested in the partying and living on the edge kinda stuff, take heart. There are plenty of LGBT people out there who feel the same way, and can often be found if you know where to look.

I agree with what was said earlier about acceptance. Before you will be able to move forward, acceptance of self is very important. I suspect that could be helped if you could connect with others who see sexual orientation as something that just is, like hair color and eye color, and not something that defines the whole person.

Do take some time to look into opportunities to socialize with other gay people as well as straight and bi people who are "just folks" - that go to work each day, go home to a significant other at night, and like doing stuff like going out to eat, having friends in for a dinner party, etc. I don't know if you are religious, but if so find a house of worship that is open and affirming. You not only will have the chance to make some acquaintances of free thinkers of all orientations, but also learn a thing or two that could help. They would probably have some thoughts and some literature that could provide you with additional information that may help.

A wise person told me years ago that no matter what you say, think, do, or are, some people will love you, some people will hate you, and the vast majority of people won't care much one way or the other. I've found that to be true. Don't let what others think and the fear of disappointing them prevent you from discovering who you are, what you have to offer, and what you want in life.

[PANIC STATION]

hello lonely boy
it sounds like such a simple thing but you have to be yourself in this world, you can`t keep everyone happy believe me. regardless of who you fancy, or sleep with or whatever whether it`s a bloke, a woman or a shetland pony there`ll be people who agree with it and people who don`t.

I know straight people who are completely f**ked up yet think it`s ok to be awful to gay people. how does this work?

being gay is like being white, or brown or having freckles or a hairy arse, it`s just something that you are or you`re not, it`s nothing for other people to judge you on.

I`m married with two kids and during sleepless nights, or being covered in half eaten ice lollies, or sterilising bottles in the middle of the night, there`ve been many occasions when I wished I was gay believe me !

take care and don`t give a toss about what others might think, you sound like a genuinely good and caring person, I`d sooner know someone like yourself than a gobshite who is `normal` on paper.

best of luck with everything and I hope you meet someone wonderful very soon who accepts you and wants to help you grow.

Paul

Right On Paul!.
It's not often i hear such honesty from married guy's.
The other side of the coin is that i regret not having kids but as you well know there is always a price to pay. Enjoy your's ! I know my dad wishes we had spent more time together. He's 88 now and i'm lucky enough for him to have lived this long to tell me. Don't let it all come too late like this eh !.

Chris.