View Full Version : Cant take this anymore xxx
Hello real friends
Im so so so depressed i just cant take it anymore, i f***ing cant truthfully... really this is no quality of life atall.. this is just exsisting.
Im so unhappy and want to be happy for my kids sake, im trying everything nothink is working, i cant take it.
On top of everything friday i wake up sore throat,and i knew it straight away TONSILITIS ,i knew it ... i have this when i get anxiety its part of me, so went docs straight and i was on my anti-biotics straght away which is great, but do you know even though i have been so so ill that friday when i first woke up feeling crap...i had a ex day .. went to town with my dad ..met up with my sisters no symptoms of nothink,and i was badley ill,sweating up, mega sort throat the lot...i thought maybe thats it ...IM FREE.
Think again the next day meaning sat.the eptopics returned with nasty bangs and dizzyness...and then i got up today and within 2 hours of being awake its all back in force...WHY WHY WHY. I CANT TAKE THIS S**t anymore..im too weak-- the tonsilits hasnt helped me im so poorley... you see if i didnt have an illness the anxiety is killing me of...so either way i cant win..but maybe i could make it easyier.
Im hearbroken ...really heartbroken, why does it continure to haunt me so much for gods sake,i know it take a lot of time and patience and more than just one day for the mind to belive we ant bothered anymore, yes i know that, but i was kinda hoping this time would be different.
I laid on the sofa my breathing was hard, my chest was too, and it just all felt very pressured... then my head went light and i felt a pins and needles feeling in my head, i was going to faint, i felt myself go..
I cant take it, i want to be better... i dont know what to belive anymore... ive tried listening to cd, breathing exercises that end up making me dizzy and light headed.
I have been thinking of ending it all,,,, really i have ...but of course i then think of my kids and i couldnt bear them to be without me, they love me so much...and i love them to...but this isnt a good quality of life atall, and it isnt good for them to see me like this is it, how can they possibly enjoy thier mum if she is so dam unpredictable all the time..wouldnt they be better of without me, after all my daughter is such a worrier at her age(12) and that is al my fault she i like that,please no -one dont tell me it isnt because it fu****g is...without me surley the poor girl and my boy would have more of a chance in life..
I never wanted to die ..i want to live and to an old age,being around my kids and thier kids... working and having some money for a change , as i havnt a pot to pi** in..i wanted to be the bestest mum... but i failed and i failed in a big way, maybe i didnt ask for it in some ways but it happened...i want to turn back time so much ,and if i could of done i would of changed my choice in men so that no-one could of hurt me...especially the last physco i was with ...i dunno so much has happened to me... it would be hard to have stopted everything from hurting me the way it did.. i have f**ked up so bad, with everything
Im sorry im not making sense, just know i hate the way i feel and i cant take it no more...
love you all
ashley xx
HI Ash,
Sorry you're still having a bad time, big hugs for you.
It is awful when we keep feeling like you are, and many of us have been there for months or years and come out the other side. I'm having a bad time now but I have been through it before and came out the other side and was fine for a long long time in between.
This is all anxiety and the more we are thinking and worrying about the symptoms, the more they keep happening. It probably hasn't helped that you are also ill aswell with tonsilitis. Sadly the only way to beat this is to accept it all and think more positive, I know that is so so hard to do as I struggle with that too sometimes. Wish I could take my own advice some days!
As far as you kids go please stop talking like you are. Your kids love and need you. My Mum died from cancer when I was 8, believe me no kid should have to go through the death of their mother. You do have a choice to live and you should take that choice especially for your kids. You may think you're not the perfect Mum (and who really is anyway) but you are THEIR Mum and they love you. So you have a few problems, your kids don't see all that, they see their Mum who they love. Believe me there lives would be alot worse without you, you can't even start to imagine how that would affect them. I'm not trying to preach to you, I do understand how you feel but I have lost my Mum and it affected me in so many ways. Your daughter being a worrier is NOT necessarily your fault, sometimes this is just in our genes, but even if she has picked it up from you it doesn't make you bad. My Dad is quite a worrier (or used to be) and so am I, but it's not his fault and evn if I did learn it from him I still love him to bits and think the world of him.
You have not messed anything up, we all make mistakes in life or have things we wish we could have done differently, but that is the past, it's what happens from now that matters.
Hang in there Ash, you really can get through this and life can be good again. Maybe the reason that you had such a good day out with your dad was becasue you were distracted from all this.
Have you had any help for all this like counselling or CBT? it may help you never know.
Take care,
Lisa x
Oh lisa ..im so sorry for saying that, see i feel guilty now... of cousre thats not what i want ...but im just so desparate mate...i love my kids with all my heart and soul..i just want to be able to enjoy life and enjoy life with them, and how can i like this...i never want to go anywhere-because im scared...always..and im para to the extreme...ive just had it ..
im so sorry for saying such awful things ,,but at my worst point i feel this way,and have visons in my head how i would kill myself ..if i had to... this is not the ashley redworth i know,im just being honest with you this is what i think at times, i frighten myself..this is someone else, someone who has had anxiety/panic /and depression for 20 years and has had enuff now.
im so so sorry, thanx for caring..and lisa im sorry about your mum.
i can be so poistive for everyone else, but negitive all the way for me
ashleyx
Hi Ash
Sending you big hugs and thinking about you hun. Im a bit out of it today myself, panic has got a nice hold of me. It is horrible and i do understand where you are coming from. The way i look at it know is when those bad days really get me it is my daughter that gets through.
Take care hun.
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Hi Ash,
There is no need to apologise or feel guilty, really there isn't. I was just trying to point out that it doesn't help to think that way, and I was trying to show you that what you think isn't true.
I really do know how this gets you down, I have days where I can't cope with it well too, but it really can get better. Maybe you need some more help with it from somewhere, then you can have the life you want and deserve.
Try and focus on the positive things in your life, however small - like your kids smiling or whatever, think how special these things are. These are the things that really matter in life. Hang in there, you can do this.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
thanks girls..i do appreicate your surport truley i do, everything is so very bleak,and dark for me.. i am finding life very hard.
ash x
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 17:54
Sorry that you are feeling so bad.
How young are your kids? Are they young enough for you to be able to have "fun" with them? Board games, films etc?
I know you are feeling pretty rubbish right now, but I usually find being around children makes me feel a bit better, you know, the innocence of it? Also, it might make you feel better as a mother to them- though I am sure you are doing a fine job.
If they are a bit older, is there anything you think you can do with them this evening to distract yourself, make yourself feel a little better, and spend some time with them?
Sorry if I haven't helped- I am always reluctant to post to people who seem more worldly than me, because I feel as though I am being patronising!! Hope I'm not!!
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Ashley,
Hang in there!!! Tomorrow is another day - hopefully you will feel a little better then. Believe me when I say - I get days like this too - days where I really think that I cannot cope being like this another single day - days where I think that I am slowly losing it- I too have thought that my kids would be better off without me - they don't need me messing up their lives too - but in my sane moments I know that it is just the anxiety & panic talking. I was like this on Friday night when I started thinking about a flight that I have to take in July - I cried for hours & screamed & myself because I thought I really cannot take this fear anymore - it's squeezing the life right out of me. Oh & the thing about thinking you are a rotten mum - I promise you I feel like that 80% of the time. I'm terrified that I am going to pass this on to my kids. But kids are able to cope with our moods better than you think. I asked my son (he's 11) about a month ago if he was ashamed of me - he said that no way was he ashamed of me - he said you would'nt be ashamed of me if I had fears would you? Of course he was right - I would'nt - but when it comes to ourself we are so hard on ourselves - probably this is part of the problem.
Anyway - I am telling you all of this to help you to realise that you not alone - you are not a bad mother - & even though you feel like you can't go on like this today - tomorrow is another day. Don't give up please.
Thinking of you Ashley
Ash...... What a weekend hey! Hang in there, you are a good mum and the fact your kids love you so much proves that! Dont think so bad of yourself, this is just pain in the a***e anxiety trying to get the better of you, some days are bad and tomorrow will be better, you will beat it!
Wendy xxx
thanx you guys thats all so nice of you, but theres so many negitive things going on ... everything is falling apart for me...even my washing machine has just busted --ive no money to get anthour the laudrette is down the road i have no car...its painful going out(thats just a small thing but anthour disapointment )
i am just finding it all to much... i look at myself and whats there to possible like about me... ive damaged goods inside and out.. i see nothink good happening to me in my future..it hasnt so far, oviuosly my kids have, i love them there the best thing ever,i have no money always without and struggling, cant give much to my kids,im 35 nearly and i have nothink absolutly--- i have no car-the things in my house are nothink special, its embarssing to people that do vist me, especially when most of thier houses are nice,i now have no social life(scared to go out much) ive put weight on and i lost so much, its such a shame, im looking old,i got no one to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright and they love me, anyone that i have loved has battered me, i look at my friends and see thier nice little familys and wish i had that, but i dont really want to be with anyone really because of what happened to me last year especially.
Ive never had any stability in my life , ive never had a secure feeling i guess----i know there are worse people out there and forgive me, im sorry for feeling this way when someones child out there has died or is dying, thats the worst thing that could happen to anyone right...but i just cant help the way im feeling...im so sorry
thankyou everyone for being so caring and sweet
ashley xx
Ash.... I really feel for you, know so much how you are feeling, I often think that wish I had what others or could give my son more but the most important thing to give a child is love and you give them so much of that and that is what matters, Dont give yourself a hard time about the past, I done that to myself and it doesnt work the future is what is what is important now, and I know we feel s***t now but we can make the future better! you will come out of this
Wendy xxx
Ashley,
Have you told your doctor about how you are feeling? If not, why don't you pay them a visit - they should be able to give you some help - please, please let us know if you do. No matter what Ashley - keep posting because letting it out hopefully will help a little - I'm thinking of you & hope that you feel a little better tomorrow.
Hi Ashley,
Just sending you a big hug, hang in there, things can get better.
Maybe going to the doctors is a good idea, maybe you can get some CBT therapy to help you or something.
Take care,
Lisa x
Hi all and much thanx
Nothink is getting better everything is getting worse and worse, last night my washing machine broke and that measn taking washing 1 mile down the road to the laundrette in a weely suitcase..wont be able to afford a new one no way...to top that had a problem with my eletricty last night and from about 10pm i was in complete darkness... freaking out because i hate the dark... i never had liked the dark.. then my battery on my mobile went so i then felt totally insecure, rang the eletricty board but no answer, kept thinking maybe my ex- is seeking revenge for him having to go to prison and he has cut my wires or something.
I have had it,when i am low nothink but negitives come my way...why...its not fair ..that just makes it worse and worse for me...
I cant take anymore, ive got my cousin (whom i love dearly) coming over today and she and her husband are having major problems, bless i hate to see her like this,and she is family i love her, and ive tried to be surportive, but i cant deal with any others problems... i cant handle it thats what it is...its different coming on here ...we are all in the same boat and we are there for each other ....right..
But even though my cousin has been there for me, and i have her in the past... i cant ..really cope with the non-stop talk of her problems when i am so suffering with my own,,, honestly i cant... and she wont want to listen to mine, and thats not her falut... coz she is so hurting and suffering and bless her i so feel for her.
But i cant handle it,sitting there listening to her go on and on and on about her problems and she likes my advice she respects it,but my brain is in such a muddle i cant answer,i will but it will be hard for me to and painful.
Something has got to change for me,i cant cope serioulsy no more, no more no way.
The symptoms every day,panic , eptopic beats, spaced out ,depersonlized feelings,dizzyness, panic, aggitated... breathing problems, oh and the million other symptoms...im sick of it ...sickof it...it isnt going ...
I have been to the doctors folks for so many reasons,ive been on beta-blockers these scared me...nasty side effects..gave them up, he gave me anti-depressants... but i havnt took them as if i feel this bad imagine me taking them, i have been to relaxtion classes and have been doing breathin exercises, nothink is working atall.
I went to mind regarding counselling as i do need it, there is a 3 month waiting list.
Its true and i belive you have to help yaself.. i have but still nothink has been working..i just cant cope with it.
thankyou for ya surport , you are all so very sweet and caring..
ashley xx
Hi Ashley, panic & anxiety is really hard to cope with, & it feels a hundred times worse when you're ill as well. I know things always seem like a struggle. I got so bad that I did try suicide & nearly died 12 months ago. If I could give anybody the best advice I could give, its to never ever consider suicide. Until you've been so close to death, no matter how crappy you think life is, it really isn't that bad at all. I'll regret that day for as long as I live & all I can say is someone was watching over me & willed me to stay for my 3 beautiful children, who wouldn't have coped without me. I lost everything, my husband (not my fault), my home, got into debt, etc., but I'm still here Ashley & I'm so glad that I am. Even though I am thwarted with bloody anxiety, I have a life, I don't just exist any more & I realised that the day I took those tablets.
I hope you start to feel a bit better once the sore throat has settled down, but no more talk of not being able to take it any more. Grab it head on Ashley & don't let it beat you like it nearly beat me mate. I'm so grateful I got a second chance & I'm slowly getting my life back on track. You can too.
Take care hun, Les, xx
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