Suddenly paranoid about HIV [Archive]

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lorenza

12-01-11, 12:00

I am a 20 year old white female and I have had sex with four men. Three of them boyfriends and therefore unprotected.

The first we were both virgins, the second I trusted at the time (three years ago) but he has recently confirmed he doesn't have hiv when I emailed him in a panic. The third is my current boyfriend, and stupidly I just assumed I didn't have anything and neither of us has been tested (he had had sex once previously, used a condom, as far as I'm aware men receiving and giving oral sex is negligible risk)

Basically I have become beyond paranoid that I have HIV, even though I still know these guys and went to school with them, and the second guy is now in a long term relationship with another girl and therefore I expect has been tested.

I have an emergency doctors appointment this afternoon to discuss it, because I've been having full blown panic attacks over it and terrified I've given it to my boyfriend of two years (always been faithful)

I have not had any symptoms, I'm just paranoid. Anyone been in a similar position?

sillygirl

12-01-11, 12:25

Hello, I know exactly what you're feeling, except I may have slipped up one night on my bf (drank too much, don't remember..ugh stupid). In that respect you're even less likely than me to have it. I got tested for HIV 4wks afterwards (negative), my GP said it was fine and he didn't think I needed further tests later, but recently I became paranoid again. I did the test a week ago and am waiting on results. I'm going crazy waiting, and trying to keep busy, which is easier said than done. I'm only 24, and only slept with my two bfs.

The thing I'm more worried about at this point is not actually having hiv, but having given it to my bf. I can have shortened my life with my stupidity, but not his. I feel like it would be the ultimate betrayal of his trust, and how can I say I love anyone if I can do that to them?

Sounds like you have a similar worry, so you're not alone. You're doing the right thing to go get tested because nothing else will calm you down, and you'll know soon enough. Good luck hun, you can get through this!

HEC2308

12-01-11, 12:28

I had exactly the same panic about 4 or 5 years ago. It was something I had never really considered until I read an article about unsterile needles being used to pierce ears!! I was brought up in Africa and had mine done there so cue major panic!!! My mother kept reassuring me that she took me to a licenced chemist and it was all sterile (she is a doc so was big on that sort of thing) but despite all this reassurance I was still convinced I must have it. I was symptom spotting and actually became quite depressed about it. I was too scared to have a test though and it was only when I became pregnant with my first son that I had to face my fear head on as one of the routine tests is an HIV test! Funnily enough it was negative!!!!!

Try not to worry, which I know is far easier said then done. I suspect the chances of you having HIV are slim but if you are worried, please do have a test. There isn't the stigma surrounding the tests anymore and I am sure it will put your mind at rest x

lorenza

12-01-11, 12:29

That's exactly how I feel! I've been the stupid one, and it'll be my fault if he has it. I'm glad you did not have it :) I will keep you updated on what happens

lorenza

12-01-11, 20:31

Had blood taken at doctors today and will get results in a week. Doctor said I have very minimal risk and she would be very shocked if anything showed up.

That's good right?

sillygirl

13-01-11, 00:13

I'm glad you went for the test! Very low risk is good. I was considered that too, which is why I never did a follow up, until I started worrying again. I should hear any day now. Don't drive yourself crazy waiting for the results. You've done all you can for now.

eyeface

13-01-11, 12:36

I understand exactly how you feel. I split up with my girlfriend in 2005 and later found out she'd been cheating on me with a number of people. HIV was the first thing that popped into my mind, so I got tested, and it came back clear. However, I got a tattoo done in 2005 at a place that wasn't particularly clean. I asked a few friends about it, and suddenly, someone popped up on a web forum and said that the place had an HIV scare. I was clearly very anxious, but at this point it was over a year since I had the tattoo done, so I got tested, results came back negative.

I'm glad I got tested, and I'm glad you did too, because it really does put your mind at rest. But I did learn a lot in that time I was waiting for my results, and one thing I learned was that the HIV virus is very weak. Even if your partner had HIV, it's still unlikely you would catch HIV if engaging in 'conventional' sex. I'm not suggesting everyone goes out and has unprotected sex, as of course there are lots of other nasties out there, but actually you generally really need to lead a high risk life to be likely to get it. The virus tends not to survive many conditions outside bodily fluids.

I completely understand your concerns, and I think the frightening thing for me was that HIV (or AIDS) was 'final', and many people would (wrongly) suggest it was an undignified way to die ('it was probably your fault' etc).

But you'll be fine, and I mean that!

MoonlightFire

13-01-11, 22:06

I can totally relate. I went through this a few months ago...I had been worried on and off for 10 years and finally decided to get tested. Well done for going for the test, it's an extremely brave thing to do even when you're considered very low risk and you should be very proud of yourself for being courageous enough to do it.

I was considered very low risk but was TERRIFIED. I'd had unprotected oral sex with guys I didn't know when I was at uni and had had a couple of split condom incidents. I became completely obsessed and eventually had a bit of a breakdown and was signed off work with anxiety. I was in constant panic and developed some horrible symptoms...I couldn't eat or sleep for days. I went for an instant test at my local GUM clinic and, thank goodness, it came back negative. I am so so pleased I plucked up the courage to get that test, it's totally turned my life around. I'm on a higher dose of my anti anxiety meds now (I have suffered with health anxiety on and off for the last 17 years) and am doing so much better.

If you need some support give me a PM :) Lots of us have been where you are now and everyone in here is so supportive, we'll help you through the wait.

Moonlight xxx

lorenza

14-01-11, 08:18

I haven't slept I'm so worried...I can't wait any longer I keep getting convinced I'm the one in a million who has it. Nightmares, crying. What do I do?

Dahlia

14-01-11, 09:13

Awww. Re-read all our posts. Believe me, with the sexual behaviour you have described it is so unlikely that you have it. Like REALLY REALLY REALLY unlikely. I'd bet all my teeth you don't have it :)

Dahlia x

lorenza

14-01-11, 13:40

unfitwellhappy

14-01-11, 15:33

Very very very low risk.

HIV transmission rates are low at best like in the 1/1000 for Hetrosexual sex (male to female conversion / per sexual contact (vaginal)) - This is for a 100% infected male - the rates do increase if you have higher risk acts (Anal (receptive)) etc.

Combine this with the fact that the chances are the guys you have been with statistically wont be infected will make it's an incredibly slim chance that you have anything to worry about)

Of course, there is some chance, but put it in to perspective... I have been told that the odds of slipping and fatally injuring yourself in the bath is somewhere in the region of 1 in 2232, your odds are most likely 10-100 times less likely that you have become infected with HIV.

Don't get me wrong - i'm an advocate of safe sex, and regular testing!!! it's a very good thing to do for peace of mind, but in westernised countries, HIV isn't something you are likely to catch unless you are sleeping with high risk groups or performing high risk activities.

The only way to know is to get tested!! so try to relax, statistically you have nothing to worry about, but remember. If the worst comes to the worst, HIV is a very managable infection and your life span (in westernised countries) is approx the same as a non-infected person given the right treatments and healthy living.

If you want you can PM me. I have had my fair share of visits to get tested (was pretty wild in my yoof! )

lorenza

14-01-11, 22:56

Am trying to tell myself how unlikely it is unfortunately nagging doubt keeps creeping in! Not sure how some of you managed with this fear for years, I'm almost cracking under it already

Simon-Aldershot

14-01-11, 23:26

The risk of catching HIV is lower than many other conditions, such as chlamydia, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, CMV, herpes, genital warts etc..

It's so easy to be complacent and think that because someone is heterosexual the risk is low. It may be for HIV, but not for many other things.

Let's hope that all comes back as negative.

peter34uk

15-01-11, 08:54

Am trying to tell myself how unlikely it is unfortunately nagging doubt keeps creeping in! Not sure how some of you managed with this fear for years, I'm almost cracking under it already

Hi Lorenza, you really need to take a step back and breath. Accept you have health anxiety & despite all the evidence to the contrary you believe you have it.

I was the same for 14 years and didnt get tested until recently. My wife had an op and they found something that could have been attributed to by STD's. Panic mode set in and I was convinced thatnot only I had HIV, but I passed it on to my poor wife too.

She then had a full Sexual health screening which included HIV and it was Negative. All results normal.

I went to Guys for a rapid test and that was normal.

So now Im waiting for the rest of the bloods which includes a repeat HIV test. Im still worried even though I tested negative a few weeks back but I know its my anxiety rather than reality.

If your that worried, ring your local hospital and get a rapid test. Takes 20mins for the results and they are free.

But I have to tell you, YOU ARE HIV NEGATIVE!!!

Wait for your results, enjoy the euphoria of being Negative & then get on and enjoy your life......responsibly of course! ;)

Captain Caveman

15-01-11, 09:08

Am trying to tell myself how unlikely it is unfortunately nagging doubt keeps creeping in! Not sure how some of you managed with this fear for years, I'm almost cracking under it already

Hi. I totally realise and think it's nice that everyone is trying to hep, but I have to disagree with all the reassurance posts that have been posted on this thread. The following is from David Veale. You'll find specialists treat OCD and Health Anxiety with the same sort of treatment. Lorenza wants to be certain she doesn't have HIV. Here is a passage about HIV fears and why reassurance is counterproductive:

"The need for certainty is a common theme in OCD, especially for events in the distant future that are impossible to disprove. For example Mark, the man with OCD mentioned earlier, demands to know for certain whether he is HIV positive, despite repeated reassurance from negative tests or positive explanations for his symptoms. Such patients always have a nagging doubt – the blood sample could have been accidentally switched, there could be a new type of HIV which has not yet been discovered, the sero-conversion has not yet occurred and so on. Mark is demanding a 100% guarantee or absolute certainty, which is of course impossible. However, while he continues to believe that he has to be 100% certain, he will focus on the possible doubts. Obviously the feared situations are possible, but they are highly improbable. It is important not to get involved in a detailed analysis of probabilities but to help the patient to focus on the process and recognise the link between the demand for certainty and their distress and further doubt. This will help them to step back and focus on the much higher likelihood of a poor quality of life if they continue to seek reassurance. Patients can be helped to tackle their beliefs using humour: we can guarantee two things in life – death and taxes! A third guarantee is that while the patient continues to demand a guarantee that a feared consequence will not occur they will continue to disturb themselves with their symptoms."

lorenza

17-01-11, 16:54

I will be getting the results tomorrow. Had a good day yesterday in that I almost convinced myself of the unlikeliness of having it, but had a nightmare last night that I went into the doctors office and was told I have it, and now my brain is coming up with reasons why I could have it for example: my first boyfriend wasn't really a virgin, or his mum had it and passed it on to him, or that someone has had sex with me whilst i was asleep or drunk and i haven't realised etc.

ahhh

Anxious_gal

17-01-11, 20:10

Okay I emailed the second guy again and he said he's certain because he'd only slept with two people before me and used protection all the time. And the first guy was a virgin. And the third was a virgin and we used a condom.

So I'm like low low risk right? I still have that fear in the back of my head that I'm going to go in and be positive!

if you are going to ask one guy then you might as well ask the two women he slept with and then it can go on and on :blush:
i know your only tying to ease your anxiety. its good, everyone should get a HIV test after each partner, its the responsible thing to do :)
it's good ye used protection too.
the chances are very low, i know theres still a chance but it is small so try not to blow it up too big in your mind x :hugs:
all those guys are still healthy and well too so that that a safe bet that everyone will be ok.

Anxious_gal

17-01-11, 20:13