Dealing with my stuff (Psychotherapy and 'inner child' work)

[HarrogateChris]

Hi All,

I feel like it's time for a new thread. Much of my progress so far has centred around my experiences with Citalopram. I now feel like I am on the right dose and that it's working well for me. My depression has lifted, my anxiety is no longer debilitating. I no longer have suicidal urges, I am actively building new relationships and repairing those I can.

That's all great, but now I have to do the really hard work. As I see it, I'm still very much ill, I just have a chemical mask that's screening me from the emotional pain and illness I've experienced. If I want truly to get better is to deal with the issues and ways of thinking that caused my problems in the first place. This is going to take some time, I have a lot of emotional healing to do, I have to learn more about who I am and why I think in the ways I do.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist weekly since May. Through our discussions it's become clear that my illness stems from a lot of pain and trauma in childhood. Now that I am more stable emotionally I need to start working through that pain and learning to care for the Little Chris inside who has suffered so much in the past. I'm only just getting to know him, he's a wonderful little chap.

I'm going to change my profile pic so you can meet him :D

Chris x

[paula lynne]

All the best with your continued recovery Chris, youve come quite a way already. Best wishes, P x

[JaneC]

Good luck Chris - and you haven't changed much btw! x

[gaaron]

:hugs: to little chris x

[keval]

I have been seeing a psychotherapist weekly since May. Through our discussions it's become clear that my illness stems from a lot of pain and trauma in childhood. Now that I am more stable emotionally I need to start working through that pain and learning to care for the Little Chris inside who has suffered so much in the past. I'm only just getting to know him, he's a wonderful little chap.

Hi HarrogateChris,

Beautifully expressed!

Incidentally, I'm in the same boat. My problems are rooted in childhood and adolescence. I have OCD and GAD but these are symptoms of deeper issues.

Best wishes,

keval

[Dahlia]

He's a little cutie! Enjoy getting to know him more and nurturing him :)

[HarrogateChris]

Hi All,

Apologies that I haven't posted in a while. It's not because I've been feeling better and have wandered off thinking I'm fixed! :blush: I've been working very hard writing a history of my childhood for therapy purposes. It turned into a bit of an epic! Writing it has been a very emotional experience. It's taken a lot of work to get it to a place where I feel happy with it.

The 40mg of Cit is working brilliantly for me. I feel really good. I have no side effects at all anymore. I still experience a little anxiety but my depression has lifted almost entirely. I still get upset, but only over upsetting things. This is great because I am able to feel my anxiety and using mindfulness I catch it early and I'm learning to understand it so much better. I still cry, I had a good old cry in my therapy session today (reading my story to my therapist) but that's OK. The way I see it, I have just the right amount of anxiety and tears to be able to work on my "stuff" without being debilitated by it.

I'm have agreed a return to work date of 7th Feb with my GP and therapist :)

Dealing with my stuff is proving to be both upsetting but also profoundly rewarding and enjoyable process. I am learning to get to know and care for a wonderful little child. I don't mean that in an egotistic way. All of us who were hurt as children and survived must have an amazing little character within in us who got through it. We all made it, we all survived.

I don't want to make my history public, but I am going to share it with a few people I know have been following my progress in a minute. If you're following my progress and would like to see it, drop me a PM and I'll have a think about sending the link :winks:

Hope everyone is heading in the right direction :hugs:

Chris xx

[ditzygirl]

You are doing incredibly well, all your hard work is really paying off.

You should be really proud of all your effortsx

[HarrogateChris]

My therapist said she has never had a client before who has worked so hard and been so committed to getting well! :blush:

Little Chris is feeling proud of himself, he should do! :hugs:

Chris

[ditzygirl]

I have to say I'm fascinated by your approach, set me thinking about how I should approach my issues - thank you x

[suzy-sue]

Your therapist is right Chris .:yesyes:Little Chris was a truly wonderful little boy and has grown to be a very strong and courageous man .He deserves to be happy, and proud of who he is .Well done and keep up the good work ..luv Sue :hugs:x

[Dahlia]

I'm really glad to hear this, Chris. It's very courageous of you - and it's fantastic that you're making progress and have found something that really connects with you. Please keep us updated :)

Dahlia

[heavenly]

I will keep my eye on your thread Chris, and will read the link with avid interest, I will probably cry too! You have been a great support to me. I, too, have issues going back to being a little girl. I had an extremely difficult father who I could never ever please and who I don't see anymore, and I took that with me into adulthood. I am going through all this with my counsellor. I wish you love and courage on your journey and I know you will get through this and out the other side! xx

[Little Nicky]

Hi Chris, Just wanted to say you are a very inspiring person.x. The biggest thing that jumps out at me from your post is your commitment to your own healing and resolution.x. I guess that's the key to making some kind of peace with stuff that's hurt us in the past - committing ourselves to the process of healing even when it gets horrible and tough.x.

Maybe one day I might like the little me inside myself but right now I hate her, but what you say about there being something about the character of our 'little selves' because we got through and survived has really given me food for thought:winks:

I think it's one thing to get through the 'crappy stuff' and survive but completely another to actaully LIVE after surviving. You sound like you are really starting to live the life you want and maybe that ability is in us all even if we can't see it sometimes:winks:

You kind of make sense of that old saying "We are masters of our own destiny".x.

Take care and stay strong.x.

[carldourish]

Wonderful little Chris,

Some links that may interest you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTmW8mciBAs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr_tVGD0qNE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJTEqozJ9aQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6djli3XPB4

Make peace within & let go...

Carl.

[HarrogateChris]

Maybe one day I might like the little me inside myself but right now I hate her, but what you say about there being something about the character of our 'little selves' because we got through and survived has really given me food for thought:winks:

Nicky,

Thank you for such a lovely post.

I think Little Nicky is probably a very frightened little girl. For years I have been scaring Little Chris with my anger, it's only in the last couple of weeks that I've worked out that my own anger, a learned behaviour, was still terrifying the little boy inside. It was a viscious circle.

You know Little Nicky is a beautiful wonderful innocent child, whatever happened to her wasn't her fault. I hope you can make peace with her, I think you'll find someone very very special.

:hugs:

Chris x

[HarrogateChris]

Make peace within & let go...

Thanks for the links Carl. I am using elements of NLP and EFT, although mindfulness is proving to be the technique that's really working for me. Never hurts to have more tools in the toolbox though.

John Bradshaw's book Homecoming (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/0749910542) has been a fabulous help, I'm tweaking some of the techniques and meditations he describes to fit in with the mindfulness work I am already doing and also so that I can work with my therapist too. (A word of caution though - this book may not be suitable if you've suffered certain types of abuse, you ought to seek professional assistance first - which I have - if you are at all unsure).

Thank you, I will watch those videos with interest :hugs:

Chris

[paula lynne]

Not sure if you got my PM Chris, but if you did, you'll understand me when I say my little Jack and I had a great adventure with lego tonight, it was amazing to hear his ideas and his excitement at play...thats down to you. I know it may seem silly, but little Chris has helped little Jack, whos still little....thanks.

All the best with work on the 7th of Feb x

[carldourish]

No worries Chris...

My tool box is big...lol. I encourage all to watch the links...The process of FasterEFT is amazing.

Remember, it's never to late to have a happy childhood.

Peace.

Carl.

[HarrogateChris]

my little Jack and I had a great adventure with lego tonight, it was amazing to hear his ideas and his excitement at play...thats down to you. I know it may seem silly, but little Chris has helped little Jack, whos still little....thanks.

Oh Paula :hugs:

That's a wonderful thing to hear, I'm so so pleased. I've filled up! :)

Give Little Jack a cuddle from Little Chris.

Chris x

[HarrogateChris]

Remember, it's never to late to have a happy childhood.

I'm just learning how very very true that is :yesyes:

Chris

[carldourish]

Video on Matrix reimprinting working with ECHO's almost the same as 'inner child' work. The ECHO holds the trauma or negative emotions, so you can still function. Another simple powerful technique.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGrTh_9wffs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlUvTcXREpU

Carl.

[HarrogateChris]

Just suffered another silly Facebook snub from my former friends :weep:

I sent a copy of my Little Chris story to them with a note saying that I hoped it might help them understand why I had behaved so emotionally during my breakdown and that I understood why they felt uncomfortable.

No reply, so far, just the removal of the ability to comment or like anything they post on Facebook.

Was having a really good day too.

Chris

[cherbear32]

Absolute fantastic Chris

All the very best x

[ditzygirl]

You still are having a good day hun - this is the part of Facebook I can't abide!!!

I think your very sensible and brave response has touched a nerve with them and they are feeling guilty.

Be proud of yourself - these people don't deserve your timexxxx

[HarrogateChris]

I think your very sensible and brave response has touched a nerve with them and they are feeling guilty.

I have doubts they even read it. :shrug:

I know they have their own issues, I understand and I care. I just want to talk and help us all feel better rather than have these silly childish games.

Chris

[ditzygirl]

I agree with you totally, we are on this earth once, it's not a dress rehearsal!!!! I hate nasty behaviour.

Life might be good for these people just now and they can afford to be like this but no one is immune from difficult times.

Just keep being you sweetie they will see their errorxxxx

[Little Nicky]

Hey Chris please don't let them spoil your good day honey.x. It was very brave of you to reach out to them in the way you did and it shows you are the better person. It is their choice to behave in this way and make you suffer the fallout.x. Maybe there is no more you can do honey.x.

Please don't give yourself a hard time because of their choices you don't deserve it.x.:winks:

[HarrogateChris]

Really starting to hurt now :weep:

[HarrogateChris]

Thanks Nicky, I'm feeling a lot of old pain and it's not nice :weep:

Off to do my mindfulness and give Little Chris a mental cuddle.

Chris x

[paula lynne]

Chris x
You did the right thing. You send the messages, to give them a better understanding of past issues. You "gave it away".....what they choose to do with that info is up to them. REGARDLESS of what they do, youre the winner. You are the bigger person.

You dont need these people to validate who you are anymore.

Concentrate on the positive feedback youve had. Forget the others, they dont deserve you my friend x:hugs:

[HarrogateChris]

You dont need these people to validate who you are anymore.

Thanks Paula, you're exactly right. They are pushing a very particular few of buttons of mine, rejection, friends turning on me and making me feel like I'm giving unwanted attention. You'll know why those things really upset me from my Little Chris story.

But Little Chris and I don't need them, I need to stop giving them my love and care to have it thrown back in my face over and over.

Poppy thank you for your support. I have had a lot of positive experiences through Facebook and only this unpleasant episode.

Chris

[HarrogateChris]

I've unfriended the two people concerned. Six months ago I would have described one of them as my best friend without hesitation. I am deeply deeply saddened.

:weep:

Chris

[HarrogateChris]

Hi Dahlia,

Thanks for your support, I think it was more a case of my friend struggling to cope with the ill me, rather than the new me.

I've received a gentle and sensitive reply from my friend in response to my last contact and unfriending her. I've reacted very optimistically, but I need to just keep a hold of myself, because there have been a few false dawns along the way. She has however said some things that make a lot of sense of what's happened and I least feel like I have some understanding now.

It's so difficult, my memories are the memories of a very ill person. My emotions were all over the place, how do I know my memories are fair? Something I'm learning with the mindfulness is that thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions, not necessarily reality.

I've had a pretty good weekend, have had a friend come and visit for the weekend and had a fantastic time. We've accepted another offer on the house for more than the buyers who dropped out offered and there's a possibility of having an amicable outcome with my friend.

Feeling OK :hugs:

Chris x

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Awwww im glad hun. :D

[Little Nicky]

Hey Chris I know exactly what you mean in 'How do we know our memories are fair' What if what we remember isn't how it was? It's really difficult.x.

[HarrogateChris]

Hi Nicky,

Great to hear from you hope you're well.

I've had a fantastic day today, the sun has been shining and I've been wearing a big cheesy grin on my face for most of it. :D

Things are far from fixed with my friend, but I understand why now and I know there is no malice or ill feeling. That's more than I had hoped for.

Chris x

[ditzygirl]

wooow - no wonder you have a big smile and much deserved too. Fingers crossed this sale works for you, and your friend well as you say no hard feelings or malice and give it time - you never know what is around the corner.

Feelings and emotions are only those things but they are yours. But finding a way to handle them is a major step forward - you are doing so well and giving me hope for my future.

Mind you after my horrid weekend I'm not sure I will be giving in to panic as before.

Keep working hard sweetie and don't stop smiling you have loads to smile aboutxx

[Little Nicky]

Hi Chris, It's lovely to hear you sounding so positive and happy.x. I'm glad things worked out with your friend. Like Diitzygirl said 'keep smiling'.

XXX:winks:

[carldourish]

Hi Guy's,

A great video on memories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5tXuGGqQW4

[HarrogateChris]

Thanks guys, I've really enjoyed myself today and known that as I've been going through the day. Is it really such a short time ago that I was still in despair? Amazing!! Thank you all for such wonderful support. :hugs:

Writing my childhood story has been such a fantastic experience and tool for change. I am understanding so much as a consequence and that is really helping me feel differently about myself and my emotions. My progress at the moment seems breathtaking. I am putting the brakes on a little, I don't want to run headlong into a another black hole. Much of what I'm feeling will be the cit, some will be Little Chris getting ahead of himself with my friend responding to me, but I think much of it is solid. I need to use the adult Big Chris to stay in charge of things and look after Little Chris, give him a hug and protect him from getting carried away.:)

Chris x

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi Chris,

you sound so positive, well done :D, keep up the good work. sending you hugs. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Yvonne

[mr badger]

I've had a fantastic day today,..


Thanks guys, I've really enjoyed myself today,,,

Steady on old chap, this might become a habit :D

Really good news. :yesyes:

[HarrogateChris]

Still having a really good week, the mindfulness has really got me enjoying the present moment. I've been really working on making new friends and investing time in renewing old friendships over the past few weeks, that's been a wonderful experience and I now have a really busy social calendar full of wonderful people who I care a great deal for and care for me.

The work I've been doing reconnecting with the wounded child inside me has been astonishing in the speed of change it's brought about. It's going to be a long journey, probably a lifetime, but Wow! I'm so enjoying this process.

Tomorrow is a big day, visiting work for an hour to say hello, this will be my first visit since my catastophic breakdown three months ago. I will also have to face my former best friend as she works in the same office.

Nervous? No! At the moment I'm looking forward to it and feeling really positive, just a little bit of fear from Little Chris in the background about how my friend might be with me.

Chris x

[thetube82]

Hi Chris, erm.... and Little Chris,

Hopefully one of you's can help me, i'm a little confused.

You say that the approach you use is mainly mindfullness yes?? i thought mindfullness dealt with the current instant?, no past no future? so where does 'Little Chris' come into this? Surely 'he/it' is something from the past that still lives now, but has only aged? So is that not acceptance of change within personality?

Hopefully you can shed some light?

thetube82

[Little Nicky]

Hey thetube82, I get the feeling you are being quite 'off' and negative towards Chris and all the hard, painful work he has put into his healing!!!! If I have mis-read what you are getting at then I apologise in advance, but if I havn't then PLEASE don't do this to him. He SO does not deserve or need it!

I'm struggling myself tonight so I sincerely apologise if I have read this wrong.x.

[thetube82]

Little Nicky and Chris,

Sorry if my post read like that, i truely didnt mean it to sound negative or anything.

By the sounds of it Chris is making great progress and i wish him continued success, i guess i just dont really understand what the 'inner-child' approach is and maybe i should read up on it a bit.

Best wishes!!

thetube82

[HarrogateChris]

You say that the approach you use is mainly mindfullness yes?? i thought mindfullness dealt with the current instant?, no past no future? so where does 'Little Chris' come into this?


He SO does not deserve or need it!

Tube, that's a really good question :D

Nicky sweetheart, you're wonderful, thank you so much for leaping to my defence, I want to give you a huge hug :hugs: Sorry you're having a bad night, get in touch you silly thing, I don't want to be getting well on my own :)

Tube - Mindfulness and inner child stuff...

You're absolutely right - mindfulness is very much about seeing thoughts and emotions in the present moment and just seeing them as simply thoughts and emotions, not necessarily as reality. Much of the pain, axniety and fear I have arises from my childhood experience. I learnt to think and feel these ways back then. By having an understanding of that, and knowing where these emotions come from when I feel fear in the present moment I can non-judgementally understand that that fear is a learned reaction from Little Chris, not the reality of the present. I can internally give him the affirmations or reassurance that he needs to hear.

For example today I am going back to work for a visit. The first time in three months. I amd feeling lots of things right now, mostly really positive and excited about it. But I am also feeling some fear about how my friend might be with me. I know this fear comes from Little Chris and the experiences he had, he thinks that if someone is angry with him he will not be loved, that is my childhood experience. So in this moment when I am feeling that fear I can affirm to myself (to Little Chris - personification helps with the internal dialogue) that I can meet his needs, that I love him and will always be here for him. I can remind him how many wonderful new friends he has.

It's mindfulness, but with a bit of self-compassion and affirmation thrown in. Does that make sense? It's about applying the knowledge and understanding I have gained through psychotherapy and inner child work in a mindful way to my present emotional experience.

As I said, a really good question. :yesyes:

Chris

[paula lynne]

Thinking of you Chris, and cant wait to hear how things go when you visit work. I hope it will all be a positive experience for you........x:)
Love P x

[mr badger]

Thinking of you Chris, and cant wait to hear how things go when you visit work. I hope it will all be a positive experience for you........x:)
Love P x

Ditto.

[suzy-sue]

Hope your visit goes well for you Chris .Its a good sign you are looking forward to it. and perfectly understandable you feel a tad anxious . You will do just fine im sure .Thinking of you .luv sue x:hugs:..

[HarrogateChris]

Hi All,

Well I've been back to work for a visit, I've seen my friend again. How was it? I don't really know yet.

I went for just under an hour this morning and had a cup of tea. I was quite nervous as I was walking to work, but adopted a mindful approach to keep in the present rather than getting carried away with what might happen.

I was pretty shaky when I first arrived and my friend, who's desk was the first I passed reacted pretty indifferently to my general "Hello". I was pretty shaky and another colleague chatted with me as I boiled the kettle for a brew. I had a good natter with my colleagues and my friend did join in the gentle banter but she didn't speak much if anything to me directly. When she left for lunch though, she did make a point of saying that she'd see me at the work social curry next week. (I'll actually be back again before then, but she wasn't aware of that).

I appreciated that, I think I've really frightened her when I was at my worst. Seeing her actions from the perspective of someone who was frightened by my behaviour has changed my entire perception of what has happened. The attitudes I took to be anger at my weakness and disgust with my affection where nothing of the sort (those were my misinterpretations based on my issues from childhood). She was frightened and alarmed by her friend who has become very possesive and needy and was behaving erratically with extreme emotions, no wonder she didn't talk to me! :blush: This is a hard thing to admit: I don't think she had a choice, even a couple of weeks ago I was not in a place where I could have really understood. She did the right thing, she stayed with me as long as she could and then she looked after herself.

Overall the visit was a success. It was a difficult hurdle to jump. However, I've been experiencing a lot of emotions this afternoon. Mostly it seems to be fear from Little Chris for various reasons, but there's something else in there that I can't quite grasp yet. I used up a lot of energy, I've felt a little exhausted by the experience, I've also felt shaky for most of the afternoon, that same sort of feeling after you've jumped at a real fright. I've also realised that for a lot of the time I was in the office, I was consumed by my thoughts and emotions, my mindful perspective had deserted me. I've arranged to go back in for a couple of hours early next week. I need to take a reminder to be mindful next time :blush:

Anyone notice I'm being too hard on myself and pushing for perfection again? One of my colleagues described my hurdle jumping as Colin Jacksonesque! I need to work on giving myself permission to be human too.

Chris

[JaneC]

That's brilliant Chris. It's really great that you have been able to see your friend's behaviour in a different way, a way that is far less hurtful to you. It's a trap so many of us fall into - "mindreading" as the CBT book I am currently reading puts it.

It's sometimes hard to practise techniques you have learned when you are in the heat of the moment but the more you do it, the better you get it. You should be really proud of yourself - I think you have taken a massive step forward today x

[HarrogateChris]

Hmm, I've been quite anxious since my visit to work and I can't quite seem to work out why. I think I'm a little scared deep down, I've built up a nice safe life with lots of friends and not much trauma whilst I've been off.

The prospect of returning back into the same work situation with things far from sorted is hard. I'm also nervous about the big life changes I have coming up with selling the house and moving to the South West for 9 months.

I guess it's natural I have some anxiety, that's OK. What's worrying me a little more is that when I was in the office, I lost the mindful perspective I have been working so hard to cultivate and slotted back into the same old mental rut. Also, I've been getting cross easily again the last couple of days and I seem to have some of the transferance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference) that was responsible for causing the trouble between me and my friend.

Discussed this with my therapist and she thinks I'm really going to have a fight on my hands keeping strong through this. In some ways I've had a very quick recovery and not had the time to really consolidate some of the things I've learned about myself. Knowing I have a hard fight coming is good, forewarned is forearmed. I hope!

Chris

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Hi Chris,

Aww im sure you will be ok my friend. You will still have those friends. You need to try and remember what you have read and put into erm practise. Try not to worry about your friend and that.


Sorry not sure what else to say. Good luck anyways.

Anita.

[mr badger]

Don't be too ambitious Chris. You're bound to be quite changeable at the moment - think of all the stuff you've been working on and with over the past few weeks.

One day at a time.

[HarrogateChris]

Made another visit to work again today. Mainly to sort out my hours.

My friend didn't say anything or acknowledge me :weep:

I've been really upset tonight, this is going to be so much harder than I thought it would be.

Chris

[ditzygirl]

We are going to be there for you every step of the way.

You have achieved soooo much, it makes me sad that you are so upset tonight. I really feel for you.

Don't expect too much of yourself too soon.


You can do this hun xxxx

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Oh hun, sending big hugs to you. :hugs: Well done for going to work for a visit. Please try and not let your friend worry too much, as its not doing you any good really.

[HarrogateChris]

Going to a work curry night tomorrow. It means spending the evening in the presence of my friend. I'm not sure how she's going to be with me. I'm really panicking about it, I feel like I have to be 'normal' or I'll completely trash any chance of resolving things.

I'm terrified, I really mean that. The emotion I feel (because of the transference to my childhood issues) is absolute childhood wet my pants terror.

It's going to take everything I've got to keep an handle on this if she's tough with me.

Really need closure on this, I'm moving on in a few weeks and if I'm honest I'm not ready for this challenge. That's saying something because I really am one for trying to run too fast too soon, so admitting this is too much...

Could really do with hearing I'm an OK person.


Chris

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Hi

Oh hun, you are ok. You are really helpful, ask loads of people on here. Obviously don't be like nasty to her, if she talks to you talk back. Or if you talk to her first and she ignores you, at least you tried. Don't be too hard on yourself, remember you are not 100 percent.

Just please try and have a good time and enjoy your curry.

Anita.

[Little Nicky]

Hey Chris, Please don't doubt yourself honey.x. Your MORE than an ok person and those that don't see it aren't worth knowing.x. Is it a possibility that your friend may not know what to say to you or just feel awkward when face to face. Maybe the 'ice' will be broken when you are out with her in a fun social setting on your curry night! Is she only like this with you when other people are around???

I think if this situation continues after the curry night you may be best drawing a line in the sand with regard to this friendship! It almost comes across like mind games! You need to think of you and the damage and hurt it's causing you.x.

Just my opinion anyway.x.

Hope your ok honey and take care of you.x.:hugs:

[HarrogateChris]

I think she's very wary of me and doesn't want to do anything that might risk me displaying the possessive and needy behaviour I showed when I was falling apart.

I'm so nervous about tonight. I have a lot of emotions and anxiety flying and around and these feelings become self-fulfilling.

Really struggling.

C x.

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Hi hun,

Tonight, why don't you try and talk to the other people that don't ignore you. I know its going to be very hard for you. Try and put the things that you have learned into practice and try and enjoy yourself.

:hugs::hugs:

Anita.

[HarrogateChris]

I'm not worried about having no-one to talk to that won't be a problem. It's just hard being in the same room as someone you love and having them blank you. That hurts.

Chris

[PoppyC]

Hi
I understand that it must hurt you, however, you have to let it go, if this so called friend is being as she is.
Just ignore her, concentrate on people who want to talk with you. You will be moving away soon, and so wont need to see this person around.
This situation is obviously upsetting you, and so it is doing you no good. Let it go and start being kind to yourself instead of letting this person make you feel upset.
Just my opinion. Have a good a night as you can

[Little Nicky]

Hi Chris just wanted to wish you luck for tonight and I will be thinking of you. It would be SO easy not to go but you are and I admire you SO much for that.x. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.x.

Nicky.x.:bighug1:

[Little Nicky]

Hey Chris just noticed something quite significant to me!!! Your work with the 'Inner Child' stuff! You call your inner child 'Little Chris' !..............I just noticed what I chose as my user name!!!! Maybe I'm telling myself something without even knowing it!!!!:winks:

Sorry absolutely nothing to do with this thread whatsoever:blush:

[HarrogateChris]

Well I went, I had an excellent night and my friend was OK with me, she even spoke to me a little. It was so much more than I expected, I didn't push things, I just took what was offered and am feeling really happy. She's still wary, but this was a big step in the right direction. Of course if she hadn't spoken to me I could be a complete mess now, but she did and I'm not.

I'm so happy, this relationship is a really important thing for me. :D

Keeping a reign on my emotions has been a real challenge today, I've been dreading this event for weeks, but also been determined to go. I guess part of getting well is getting back on the horse so to speak and leaving the comfortable life I've created whilst I've been off work. I'm so glad I faced my fear of tonight.

Dahlia/Poppy - You're so right, I need to stop being so tough on myself. I'm learning to look after Little Chris' needs and in that process make my self-worth and validation something I provide internally rather than something I look externally for.

Little Nicky - Maybe you are trying to tell yourself something. My belief is that many of the problems we experience as adults stem from experiences or learned behaviours from childhood. I hope getting to and healing these root causes is one way to really get my life back.

Thank you all for your support, it may seem like I was making a fuss about nothing now, but this was a massive deal for me :hugs:

Chris

[HarrogateChris]

Went to the Doctors this morning. I now have a shiny new note saying I am fit for a phased return to work :D

Chris

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Chris

WHAT A GREAT THREAD.

I have sort of "avoided" reading this one because of the title, was a bit scared ---- LOL. (dont be offended by that - thats just my finicky mind).

BUT, now I have read it, it has filled me with inspiration and excitement, OMG - excitement, havent had that one in a few years...

The expression of the chemical mask, is so like me. I too have been to the docs today and so much of what he said is reiterated in your posts.

I see you have had EFT, my doc mentioned EDMR when I am a bit stronger and better.

I think your courage and determination has certainly attributed heavily in your success.

I wish you well, hope you treat yourself to something nice today for your success and very best wishes for the return to work.

Good luck and take care.

[HarrogateChris]

Hi Jackie,

Thanks for your lovely encouraging comments :hugs:

I've used elements of EFT but really very little, the real catalyst has been mindfulness practice. That has been the thing that's really helped me become aware of the thoughts and feelings that arise in me when I'm faced with difficult situations.

Mindfulness and the John Bradshaw book have been a fantastic combination. If I've helped to inspire you to progress your own recovery then I'm really pleased.

Little Chris had a visit to the pick and mix today, a treat for being so brave last night. I though he was just getting some Jelly Beans, but he got a little carried away :-)

Take care :bighug1:

Chris x

[HarrogateChris]

Back to work, to work, for the first time since October in the morning.

Eek!

Chris

[ditzygirl]

Oh Chris

I am sooooo pleased for you. You have done so well and i really hope this week is brilliant for you.

I know it may be a little daunting but you can handle it.

Keep us updated of how your doing xxxx

[mr badger]

C'mon Chris - how are you getting on?

I had an 'interesting' work related day today too.

[HarrogateChris]

Well what a good day. Went to work for a couple of hours this morning (after my morning visit to Caffe Nero - which I've negotiated into my phased return lol).

Work was fine, I was a little anxious to start with but soon settled in and almost got round to doing something. Two hour working days are great! My friend said a cheery 'Hello' to me when I came in :D and we even swapped a couple of 'banter' emails whilst I was in the office and she said a cheery 'bye' when I left. This is all so much more than I ever hoped for!

Work itself was interesting, I was really quite shaky but couldn't quite pick out what emotions I was specifically feeling. Need to take a bit more time reflecting on those. But I was OK I looked at some of the big piles of work on my desk and felt more amused than stressed. None of that old self-imposed sense of I must sort that lot by the end of the week.

So far so good, going for a four hour day tomorrow!

Thanks you all for the support by posts, texts and pm. Really appreciated :hugs:

Chris

[HarrogateChris]

Crikey what a roller coaster.

Really not sure where to start, yes I am, sorry! Sorry it's so long since I last updated you all. Going back to work seems soooooo busy!

I've had a real week of ups and downs. Going back to work has been flippin hard. I'm not sure going into loads of detail helps. But it has been very difficult.

My friend - this situation is awful, I don't know where I stand and being around her all day is so painful. It's heartbreaking seeing her laughing with others and being so cool with me.

Stress - I've gone back to early, I'm clinging on by the skin of my teeth and today I was in tears and having a panic attack with the stress. Mind you, I got through it and delivered what I needed to. Don't want to carry on with too much more of that though.

Therapy - I've learned such an amazing amount about myself, I'm also realising how much more I have to learn about myself. I'm loving the journey, but wish I had much more time to reflect on stuff, read and ponder.

Inner Child - Little Chris is wonderful, I'm really enjoying getting to know him. Sometimes it's really hard to understand what he's trying to tell me and to separate out the threads of different emotions.

Mindfulness - Not being as good as I should be, I really enjoy it, time seems so scarce since I've been back at work. I'm falling into the trap of letting work take all my energy again. Need to watch that one.

Citalopram - Working brilliantly for me. Not a zombie, not overrun by my emotions. Just the space I need to get well.

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful support, apologies I've been quiet, just so much to try and keep a hold on.

Chris xx

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Hi hun,

You have been busy hun. I am sure people will understand. You need to look after you. If it means not writing on here then so be it. Please keep us in touch at some stage. Well done for staying at work, even though it is so difficult at the moment. Must be very hard for you, hugs.

Anita.

[ditzygirl]

Sweetie, you have done so well. Today is probably just a bad day and I bet you had some support from your colleagues/boss. It will get better as you get stronger. It is very early days.

Take good care of yourself and don't do more than you feel you can do - everyone will understand and if they don't well, your health is all that mattersxxxxxx

[HarrogateChris]

Thanks :hugs:

It's more than a bad day though. Whilst I was off I had a nice settled life arranged without too much challenging me, I was very much in control.

Since going back to work though I've really been at sea, things have been popping up and giving me a hard time all over the place. it's been quite a shock coming back out of my cosy bubble!

Keeping an even keel and remaining mindful has been really difficult.

It's a challenge I needed to face, but boy it is a challenge! Trying not to forget everything I've learnt and fall back in those old ruts!

Chris x

[HarrogateChris]

I can feel myself crumbling again :weep:

[paula lynne]

Is it work Chris? Have you got anything else stressing you out at the moment? Im sorry, I didnt see this yesterday. How are you now? T/C, Paula x

[HarrogateChris]

Thanks Paula, yeah it's work. I've definitely gone back too soon. I desperately wanted to go back for these three weeks and try to make things better with my friend. Found work really stressful though. Figured what it is today, I'm feeling really guilty for taking my career break and I have it in my head that I'm letting everyone down and need to leave things all perfect.

Still learning to give myself a break!

Chris

[paula lynne]

Yes, give yourself a break. Nothing is ever really perfect. Be gentle with yourself, youve come such a long way already. Thinking of you my friend x

[HarrogateChris]

Feeling a bit more positive today thank goodness!

C.

[ditzygirl]

Forgive me for what I am going to say here I hope I don't offend: whether you leave your job in a perfect state or not-this role will carry on as will the company. Whilst you are a perfectionist by nature, there are no prizes for leaving everything in a perfect state. So ease up on yourself hun. Its' just a job and health is wealth.

No one is expecting you to do the impossible.

Don't you dare feel guilty about your career break.

The next year of your life is vital to who you are and how you move forward in your future. There is absolutely no point in life where you are struggling with stress to hold a job down.
You get one chance at life and sometimes it takes us in different directions and maybe the last few months are telling you to do something else anyway.

right thats me finished ranting at you for today lol!!!!xxxx

[HarrogateChris]

You're absolutely right ditzy, I need to stop beating myself with this big stick that says I'm letting the team down. I could do with easing up with the stick that says I scared my friend and I must fix things.

Only just starting to see how much I pummel myself. :blush:

Chris

[ditzygirl]

I will remove the big stick if it helps lol, and some things you just can't fix believe me!!! In time you will see all of this in a different light I promise.

I really believe you are at a turning point in your life, now just take a leap of faith and change your life for ever.

Believe me one day you will look back on this and laugh and you will learn loads from it too.

I've been there done it - teee heeeexxxx

[HarrogateChris]

Last week at work this week. It's not so much work that is getting to me as being around my friend. I'm trying to grieve for someone I love and I'm having to work with her and see her laughing and joking with others whilst blanking me on anything non-work. It's impossibly hard.

:weep:

C.

[ditzygirl]

There are people who get a kick from other peoples pain hun. Keep being you, you have an exciting new life to go toxx

[HarrogateChris]

There are people who get a kick from other peoples pain hun. Keep being you, you have an exciting new life to go toxx

It's really not like that. I've been too needy and I've frightened her. She may not be handling it well, but she's not being malicious, just wary.

C.

[HarrogateChris]

I'm falling downhill again so fast I'm scared. Just got to make it to Friday.
:weep:

[SHYGIRLAJB]

I'm falling downhill again so fast I'm scared. Just got to make it to Friday.
:weep:

Oh hun, hugs. You know where I am, if you want to do anything im free, as I have not got any plans this week.

Anita.

[paula lynne]

Forgive me Chris for what Im about to say x
The "you" a few weeks ago, and the "you" today could be two different people. Your decline on going back to work has been staggering to say the least.
Being around your friend has obviously had a major impact on you, in a very damaging and detrimental way. You cant go on like this surely?

I feel your pain in your post. Im sorry you are feeling ill again. But...remove the situation..ie..working with her..and Im guessing you will start to recover again, as before, very quickly.
Working with her must be hell especially as shes continuing to blank you and she makes a mockery of you by laughing and joking with others. I know you were needy, but for goodness sake, shes treating you like something shes stepped in and its disgraceful!!!

I care about you. I was honoured to have shared in your story from the beginning with little Chris. This is upsetting for me to see as you made serious leaps in progress such a short time ago.

I hope I havent upset you, thats never my intention. But as a friend, all your efforts seem to be centered around her and its not healthy. If she talks to you, youre "up" and if shes cool or blanks you, you fall apart. You said yourself you cant do mindfulness properly, because all your emotions and feelings are always focused on her and how she reacts to you. I wish you nothing but the best Chris, but its so upsetting to see you fall apart. I wish I had a magic wand. I guess a few of us here who know you do too. Sending love x

[HarrogateChris]

Thank you Paula, you haven't upset me at all, I really appreciate the concern and you're absolutely right.

I want to stay till Friday, because I don't want to let other people down and there's an awful lot of knowledge about the work I do I have to share in order not to leave a good friend in the poop trying to sort it.

I know my situation with my friend isn't healthy, you can kind of see why I scared her. Hell pretty much sums the situation up. Her behaviour towards me triggers so many deep pains from childhood.

x

[allergyphobia]

Sorry, I'm really confused. I have followed your story Chris but I am confused by parts of it. Is this friend some one who you have fallen in love with? :shrug:

[HarrogateChris]

Is this friend some one who you have fallen in love with? :shrug:

She was my best friend before I became ill. I loved her as my best friend.

:blush:

[allergyphobia]

Awh, I see... that is real tough Chris. Hope you are a little bit brighter today. Only 3 days to go now really :D

[HarrogateChris]

Just need to clear this one up because I appreciate the suggestions but I've perhaps not made the situation clear.

This was my best friend who I loved dearly.

I became very needy and possessive when I became ill and she became frightened of me.

She told me she wasn't comfortable being my friend anymore.

She is unwilling to have any sort of social conversation with me. If I join a conversation she stops smiling and stops taking part. Either walking away or going back to whatever she was working on.

She is a wonderful person who has been hurt herself. I have suffered from transference (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference) and consequently triggered a certain level Countertransference (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Countertransference) in her.

The circumstances are unfortunate. We are both acting out. I am not and will hold bad feelings towards her or anyone else, ever. I don't do that.

I have a large and growing circle of wonderful friends who I care a great deal for. But this was a very special and important friendship to me.

Edited to add: sorry to be grumpy, but I don't do grudges or bad feeling, they eat away at me. I love people, it's what I do. If she doesn't speak to me for 20 years, I would welcome her with open arms. The hurt I am feeling is a past pain, I am trying to learn to separate it from my current situation. That is not her fault.

Chris

[ditzygirl]

Hey hun, don't feel u have to justify anything at all. You have been through an awful lot and the reasons are personal to You!!!!

I can't bear you struggling just now but I do respect your need for closure this week.

You hang on in there - friday is nearly here and you are going onto amazing new things. This will change you too and how you deal with things and people in the future.

Be proud of all your achievements, we care about youxxxx

[HarrogateChris]

Thanks Ditzy, no idea how much is my hypervigilance and how much is her being erratic.

I just want to part with a smile. I hope we manage that.

x.

[paula lynne]

For you Chris.....my signiture x

[HarrogateChris]

Thanks Paula :D

But...

I lost a friend 11 years ago due to malicious gossip. I've smiled and said 'hello' every time I've seen her for 11 years. For 11 years I've been blanked.

Yesterday, she smiled back. :D

I just don't give up on friends. It's who I am. I like that about myself.

C xx.

[paula lynne]

Im glad Chris x
But you cant live your life simply because a friend chooses to ignore you or not, especially if it changes the way you feel/think/live to such an extent that it takes you over as a person. You dont need to be who you are depending on the way they treat you.

Im sorry, you deserve better than this. x

[suzy-sue]

Sometimes Chris you need time and space ...Its always painful when a relationship ends ,especially when you have to see them every day .It reminds you of what you once had .You have done remarkably well in my opinion .Although you must feel so hurt ,you have not run away but gone there anyway .There would never have been a good time to do this .Another 3 or 6months wouldnt have made any difference . Learning coping mechanisms isnt easy.But once learnt ARE easier to apply when you are in a safe place .But the hardest part is applying them in real life situations .That part is the hardest .and takes a long time to perffect You have got through 3 days now and this time tommorow there will be one day left . You are over half way there .When you say your goodbyes ,there may be a smile but if not, dont be sad . Remember what I sent you . Be it "A Reason a Season or a lifetime ". When you return ,you will be a different man, and time is a great healer .Well done for your determination and courage ,and I hope you get that smile . GOOD LUCK luv Sue x:hugs:

[JaneC]

Just a thought Chris but I wondered if you might benefit from reading "Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns MD - it's included on the reading list on the left of the page and is CBT based. Just thought it was a book you might get something out of


http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/reading/

[HarrogateChris]

Thank you all for your helpful replies.

Paula - you're a star. The thing I'm learning is to accept the situation with my friend as it is day to day and to try and not let it have such an impact on me. I want to break the link between this contemporary situation and my old childhood pain. I'm getting better at doing that but I am still learning. Facing the challenge of being around her is tough, but good for me in some ways.

Suzy - it's been a real challenge, much harder than I expected. I'm proud of myself for the courage I've found. In fact looking through from when I first had my breakdown I can't believe what I kept functioning through.

Things have improved a lot this week. The situation is still far from cordial, but we shared a smile today. :D

C.

[HarrogateChris]

Last day at work today, then it's my year off :yesyes:

[ditzygirl]

Hun today might be a roller coaster of emotions. All normal after all you have been through.

Be proud of yourself for making it to Friday, I have to say I have been very worried about you this week.

You are an incredibly strong person and all this hard stuff is a learning curve which you have survived.

However things end today with your friend, just accept it graceously. You have done your best and that is all you can do.

Be thinking of you all day.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[paula lynne]

Thinking of you on this most important of Fridays Chris.
I hope you get your smile x:)

[HarrogateChris]

I got my smile :D and I survived a pretty stressful day with two system failures under lots of pressure.

Will see my friend twice more though, could all go pear shaped yet lol

Thanks for your wonderful care :hugs:

xx

[suzy-sue]

Thats wonderful :yesyes:..Well done for making it through a very difficult time Chris .You did yourself proud .As for the next meetings just be you ,and dont expect anything more for now .Space and time will do what needs to be done .Your new adventure is waiting and its just what you need to fully recover .Wishing you all the luck in the world ..Sue x:hugs: