How can I help my boyfriend?

[harasgenster]

Hi
I just wanted a few ideas for people on how to help my boyfriend. I spoke to him today while he was at work and he said his friends were angry at him. He was supposed to be going to his mate's stag do in Dublin but kept putting off getting a passport. I kept reminding him but I think he was just avoiding it. He also didn't go to his friends NYE do and hasn't heard from him since and we've accidentally not RSVP'd to a wedding (I totally forgot and I think he was avoiding it) so his friend's angry about that as well.

I understand the friend's anger but I also understand why my boyfriend is the way he is. He's a bit depressed and doesn't really feel like doing things most of the time. I know that feeling. I don't think he needs treatment (he wouldn't do it anyway), I just need some ideas on how to approach this matter with him and talk him through it. I know he's going to be upset about this for a while because he'll think - and he's sort of right, but sort of not - that this is his own fault and there's nothing he can do about that.

What's the best way to encourage him to get over this and start making more effort with his friends/pushing himself to do things do you reckon?

Cheers

[ditzygirl]

So many people don't want to put up with friends who suffer anxiety and depression. Its fear and lack of understanding AND because it comes under the label of mental health!!!!

But anyone can be struck by anxiety and depression at anytime - no one is immune!

Avoiding situations can become a habit though.

Sounds like your chap is having a really tough time just now. Asking for help may be hard but believe me can change your life. 5 months ago I didn't think I needed help either - mmmmm what a fool I was, I wasted most of last year!!!! There were some pretty good reasons for it but I wish I had handled it differently.

I am guessing there is something behind this, money worries, job worries???? life is tough just now for so many people. Why not suggest he visit the Doctor just to check there is nothing more wrong? Maybe suggest you both go for an MOT or something.

If all else fails why don't you leave this site on the PC so he gets to be curious ? Men are rubbish at admitting health issues - sorry chaps but you are, not ur fault just the way men are.

He would find loads of help and support on here.

Good luck xx




Why don't you introduce him to this site

[Nigel]

Hi harasgenster,

You’re boyfriend is lucky to have such a caring girlfriend. As Ditzy said – a lot of people don’t want to know.

Somebody here once had as a signature:
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time... and it annoys the pig!!
He needs to want to ask for help himself, but you can try to drop a few hints that you’d like to listen if he wants to talk. Perhaps with things like, “I’ve noticed that...” but not, “You’ve been...”

Writing him a note might be another option. He can think about it without having to immediately respond. But again, try to keep it more about you than him, and try not to second guess what might be wrong.

Good luck :)
Nigel

[harasgenster]

Thanks both

It's a difficult one. I often talk to him and try to understand what's wrong. Unfortunately in our relationship it's often me who is the most obviously suffering mental health wise and I often don't have a clue how bad I'm being when it comes to obsessing about things or becoming trapped in my thoughts so in many ways I'm increasing his stress accidentally.

I'm not sure he has much insight into his emotions (I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that he can't always put his finger on a feeling or why it's there) and it's difficult sometimes to have a proper conversation about it. When I first met him I was surprised he hadn't had treatment in the past because he had suffered so badly from depression before but he's much better now and it doesn't affect him the way it used to so he's pulled through very well.

I don't think he needs to see a doctor right now (and he definitely wouldn't anyway), as I'm not sure pills or therapy would really be the answer for him. He's not really so bad that I'd recommend meds to him and he just wouldn't like therapy. Some of the things that have happened to him have happened to me too, like spending a couple of years without friends, so I relate to him when he puts off seeing his mates. It's only them, by the way, he'll glady go out with my mates or my family, it's his mates he's not hanging around with. I'm the same with the friends that disappeared on me!

Mostly I just want him to be able to talk about it a bit more and I want to help him become more active in general. We've talked about me helping with his diet and maybe finding a way he could get a bit of exercise because I think it's things like that he seems to need at the moment.

Bah...think we're both just so under stress with money/housing/work things as well as personal hangups and feeding into each other most of the time :weep: