Is this normal??

[lily19]

. I've always had anxiety in the past as a child were i think if i leave to go on a school trip, I'll come back and my family will be dead,( I know its horrible) or i must eat 5 biscuits because i have five people in my family, they seem like silly things to no one who hasn't suffered anxiety. More darker thoughts and anxious things would come into my head, triggered by things i had seen on the news or the TV, i would suddenly think ''it'' had happened to me. There was also a period of anxiety when i thought i had every illness under the sun and no matter how people reassured me, i refused ( couldn't) listen to them.

But i grew out of this or rather i learnt to tackle these thoughts, i accepted that i would always have intrusive thoughts but i could deal with them. people have described me a nice, sensitive and caring. I sometimes do not think I'm the most innocent person but i would never want to harm anybody. I'm 19 and like most girls my age, i like shopping, and laughing and making plans and enjoying life but recently things have turned horrible

A few months ago i went to uni and i never really fitted in or enjoyed it properly, i was away from home and feel low , anxiety struck , i would think things that made me depressed, it all started with little things, i would be reading a book or watching the news, and if i read about bullying , i would suddenly think i was a bully. my mind would search for things that happened years ago in school when i would have fell out with somebody or said something that wasn't nice, then they would escalate into me worrying that i did awful things to them without realising etc, that i had ruined somebody's life etc. i know its extreme but it started wearing me down making me believe this, making me feel unworthy and depressed . Thoughts like this and similar to this would come everyday, a new thought, a new guilt a, new anxiety every day. which would get worse and worse and i would burst into tears. i came back for the Christmas holidays and all i did was cry and stay in bed . i didn't want to do anything and my parents got really worried about me even took me to a doctor.

They all say it will get better but its not, its getting worse, i didn't trust myself, I've read on the internet that people have intrusive thoughts and anxiety about things they are worried they will do? but has anyone ever thought they did these things? in the past. memories that were once harmless and light have become suddenly dark and disgusting because a part of my mind is telling me i did very bad things , i cant quite remember whether i did or not so the anxiety is winning because i cant stand up to it. i feel so depressed that sometimes i feel like i didnt deserve to live, like I'm sick and evil and my parents will hate me , i look forward to sleeping because its the only thing that makes me feel better because I'm not conscious of my thoughts,. i cant tell you some of the things my mind has told me Ive done because its so disturbing and horrible , i feel sick and shaky at the idea . the bad part of my mind is telling that's my conscious and i deserve to feel like this, the other is telling me that's the anxiety and its eating away at me.

Please can somebody help me, tell me they have experienced this and how you dealt with it? my biggest fear is that this isn't anxiety at all but I'm just an evil person. has anyone felt like this?

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Lily you are not an evil person trust me!! You might be a little depressed? Did your GP want to see you for a follow up appointment? I don't know wether you have felt able to go back to uni? There will be be people there doctors and counsellors who will be able to help you with your thoughts and feelings. It is scary when you are on your own but you will need to challenge the negative thoughts and feelings that you have been having. Do you have any friends? They will be able to tell you that acutally you are a good person but just having a few difficulties at the moment. Don't throw everything away. Stay the course and try to get some help and support to do that. EJ.

[lily19]

Thank you for writing that, it's really supportive and I really appreciate it. It seems scary to think positive and normal about things because as soon as i do , there is a part of my mind telling me that i shouldn't be, like reminding me that i don't deserve to. It's awful feeling and it can mess with your mind, I think i'm going to go back to my gp tomorrow. Or ring up the university and ask for councilling

[Nigel]

Hi Lily
:welcome: to NMP!
I’m sorry that you’re being tormented by such horrid thoughts, but try not to worry about them. You didn’t go any of those things. You’d remember if you did.

Emotions seem to be very significant to the things a person remembers – those that were accompanied by emotions are easily remember, and those associated with intense emotions are more vividly remembered. On the other hand, situations that aroused little or no emotions are often forgotten.

I think if you really had done any of the things you’re worried about, they would’ve stirred up emotions at the time, and that’s why I think you would remember them still today is they were for real.

Guessing a bit but could it be that your mind is giving you a hard time over this because of some other issue?

“I think i'm going to go back to my gp tomorrow. Or ring up the university and ask for councilling”

I was going to suggest something like that too. I think it might help to talk some of these thoughts through with somebody. Perhaps even show them a copy what you wrote here.

Good luck, and let us know how things went :)

Nigel