How do I meet people, specifically women, when my SA and other issues are so bad?

[On The Outside]

I've been reluctant to post this for some time as I feel really bad about admitting that I'm in such a desperate situation. But I've been in such a bad way recently that I really need some help and advice. I've not posted here much but wrote a fairly detailled topic last month about how lonely I am. I'm even worse at the moment and don't know what I can do to change my situation.

Basically, for some years, I've been obsessed about getting a girlfriend. I know that being obsessed isn't healthy but I've had obsessive thoughts about things since I was six and have never found a way to control this, either by medication or therapy. What seems to be very easy for many people to achieve can be extremely difficult for me to do so which then causes me to feel depressed and inferior and constantly comparing my own life to others. I become stuck in a negative cycle of thinking which, without having people in my life who can encourage me, I find almost impossible to break out of.

I've not worked or studied for some years as I find it hard to commit myself to anything except worthwhile friends. I do have one real life friend and, though there are times when he's very hard to have around and I've felt like he makes me feel worse with the sort of stuff he talks about, I think I'd miss him if I never saw or heard from him again. We share similar interests in comedy and music but, though he hasn't been in a relationship himself for years, he talks a lot about women and sexually related stuff that I don't want to hear about. I'm more assertive with him now than I used to be and have told him I don't want to hear taht kind of thing but he still does it so I try to just laugh with him.

I don't just suffer from Social Anxiety and OCD but also oversensitivity, emotional issues, depression, possible BDD and, most of all, an extreme fear of rejection. I've had many short lived online friendships over the years with women and sometimes feel close to them and that there is a connection between us. But, unlike other people I've known or read about, it never goes any further than that. There are always some complicated issues even when I've tried to discuss them with the person in question. I have sometimes been led on but never been invited to meet up with any of these women or they've said we could meet and then pushed me away. (I'm slowly realising that maybe I would have more success if I approached more outgoing and forward women but the approaching is the biggest obstacle. I believe before long I won't be in touch with anyone and I'll be left alone constantly being beaten by my destructive thoughts and emotions.)

Most of the women I've got to know have been on other support sites as I have such a stigma about my issues that I feel I couldn't even attempt to be friends with (or get to know) someone who doesn't understand or accept me. I have been on dating sites but have never had any success and ended up feeling even more hurt and rejected. I keep thinking about whether to join any again but there are too many and far too many people on them for someone like me to be noticed. It doesn't make things any better that there seems to be such an emphasis on the way you look and come across in your profile. I can hardly bare to look at pictures of myself (not that I'm bad looking but I have such low self esteem and have rarely had any compliments) so rarely have my photo taken. And when I'm in such a negative frame of mind it's hard for me to write an interesting and attractive profile that concentrates on my good qualities and I don't want to write one that puts women off.

I don't think I would be so obsessed about this if I'd had some meaningful relationships but I've spent so many years struggling to interact with people and almost never being approached even online. For a long time I forced myself to send messages to people and be friendly but it got me nowhere so I gave up and have become even more introverted. I wish I'd never had to become shy and unable to talk to women I like as it not only makes me feel starved of love and ashamed of my inexperience but I'm unable to be around people because I start comparing myself.

I just don't know what to do next in terms of finding friends. I don't even know whether a relationship would be a good idea (when I was on the dating sites I never expected more than a few dates but that never happened) or just if I can make some female friends as someone suggested in my last post here. But even just finding friends has proved very difficult and I often find myself developing feelings for someone which then causes even more heartache when my feelings are never reciprocated.

I've written about this before on other sites but have not had much help or encouragement from people as I don't think many people know what to say or appreciate how much mental and emotional torment I go through daily. But I'm hoping a few people will read this and reply as I'm at a point where my life seems completely pointless and I've exhausted all my other interests.

[Anxious_gal]

i think it's great you know yourself so well, your aware of what your issues are :)

Maybe group work could help?? like a confidence class or something, or CBT?
what helped me is doing things in a group as it helps build my confidence when i get positive feedback.
it's good too to ask your friends what are you doing to put people off?
i learned i come across as cold at times, i can be a bit negative etc....... its helpful to me when my friends let me know when i am doing things that can give others the wrong impression of me.

maybe try in get used to talking to women? you know baby steps, or ask women for advice :-)

[southernmagpie]

Like the situation you describe I’ve never a meaningful “relationship” with a girl and although I’ve been fortunate to have a number of close friendships with women over the years but I’ve never been able to take it any further due to (and I’m quoting you here as you put it far better than I can) “being ashamed of my inexperiences”. Even now I have an incredibly close female friend, we see each other/text each other a lot and I really like her and I think she might even like me, but I can’t bring myself to tell her how I feel for fear of being rejected or upsetting her. :blush:

When I was in my late teens I had no friends and had just started work I felt horrible as I thought people saw me as an “anti-social” weirdo for not having a relationship and for having no friends. However, I soon realised that there are good people out there who do not judge you for being the way you are and I was fortunate to find a few people to socialise with. This bought me into other circles and it relaxed me when I realised that it is never too late to join a new social activity or circle or even online friendships.

The best advice I can give on meeting people and getting used to talking to girls is to try something new. I’m not the most adventurous person so I tried swimming and fitness which enabled me to meet new people. I’m not saying you’ll meet any great new friends but it will be a great start to getting to talk to people in a “neutral” environment. It is also amazing when you start to realize that not everyone is judging and watching you and a lot of them actually respond if you start a conversation. The ones that don’t just aren’t worth bothering with.

I too get the overthinking and obsessive thinking about having a girlfriend and like you feel if I’d had at least one relationship then things would be better. When i’m not feeling down I find the best solution is to remember that not everyone else is great and that although they do not have the same problems you or I share they will have different ones. I know there are people that also have relationship issues but they hide it with bravado – the difference you have is that you are honest enough to say how you’re life really is – and that is a great quality. I’ve also found that sometimes even those who seem to you to be the most confident or have the most going for them are often the most insecure. Even the girls I used to be afraid to talk to! :D

Reading your story reminds me a lot of situations i’ve had and continue to have and I thought it might help to know that you’re not the only one. Just keep at it. And remember your “negative” feelings are just a sign that you are a caring person. It is about directing this caring nature in the right way. But remember you’re not the only one, people like me are fighting the same battle too, so don’t give up! :)

[On The Outside]

Thanks for your lengthy and detailed replies. I will reply to you all soon when I have a clear head maybe by PM. I actually wrote a lengthy reply but got logged out and lost everything.

But anyway thanks for your advice and hope to hear more suggestions. Feel free to PM me if you have any.