Dealing with uncertainty

[harasgenster]

Hi
I have a problem deciding whether I am clever/pretty or stupid/ugly thin/fat etc. The fact there is evidence both ways (kind of) I find it very stressful as there is no way of KNOWING.

The one that bothers me most is intelligence (I had to spell check that, how ironic). At school and university I never questioned my intelligence as I always got good marks. I was also always told as a child (by my parents) that I was very bright and, as a result, it's sort of become part of my identity.

However, having left education nearly four years ago, I frequently get worried about whether I really am intelligent or whether I just worked harder than everyone else to get the grades I did.

I can find all sorts of evidence for this - I'm not as good at my job as most other people at my workplace. When I was 11 we did a CATS test at school (which is a sort of an IQ test mixed with something else) and it told me I was average. (Quite telling that I remember that so clearly!) Also, sometimes my boyfriend has to explain things to me or I don't catch on as quickly as others. Also, there have been IQ questions in newspapers sometimes and everybody else can get it but I can't (when it's pictures - I can't do shapes for some reason!)

This is probably quite a sore subject for me as I previously identified myself very strongly as an intelligent woman. Also there has been quite a shift in the way I have been treated between academia and "real life" - i.e. I was a bit of "star" at university and in most subjects at school but in working life I'm not very good at my job (my first graduate job after working in admin roles for years).

It's partly feeling that I was deluded for all those years that makes me feel anxious, because it makes me feel embarrassed. But it's also the fact there will always be evidence on both sides - I definitely did work harder than other people at uni, for instance. I think a lot of this is being able to deal with uncertainty and not need "proof" or exact figures, which is not really possible in most things in life.

Does anyone else struggle with uncertainty? As in needing absolute proof for everything about themselves/life? While I'm at it, does anyone else recognise my struggles with the idea of my identity - am I "intelligent woman" or "average woman" etc. (Not that one is worse than the other in an objective sense!)

[paula lynne]

Hiya x
I find your post interesting. What stands out to me, is that I think youre selling yourself way short trying to define yourself as this or that....
You are trying to "fit" into a certain type of person, putting yourself into a category.
Just be you.x

Anyway, intelligent compared to what? Beautiful compared to what?
Thats like trying to define "normal"....

Youre already beautiful and intelligent in your own right. You are perfect as you are. You are..you x

[European]

But on the basis of what you have written in your post it sounds as though you've always achieved what you wanted to achieve and got through your secondary education pretty well. So, why not focussing at what you've actually got and what you've actually achieved - as opposed to what you haven't?
Nobody is perfect and there will always be areas in our lives where others will have done better or will have got more. But does that really negate all that one has achieved and managed in one's own life?

Also, why is it necessary to make yourself, and your own judgement, almost entirely dependent on what others do and what others might think of you? I think by the very nature of this attitude can only undermine yourself and your own outlook and cause endless insecurity. The point is: You are your own ultimate judge of all you are!
And if you aren't, then it's only you who can do something about this by changing your self-defeating attitude. Because with this attitude you are neither kind - nor realistic - in terms of dealing with yourself.

As for intelligence, you don't strike me at all as someone unintelligent at all! But be careful what you wish for, as exceptionally intelligent people with an IQ above 130 have a lot of problems on account of their intelligence, and about a third of them are chronic underachievers, at times with dramatic problems. Intelligence certainly doesn't make life easier, particularly in a social context, when being exceptionally intelligent might make it difficult to build bridges with other "ordinary" people and can be a lonely place to be in. Intelligence may be a trait that sounds good on paper, but it is generally not appreciated by, and causing a lot of insecurity to, most people when it comes to the real world.

Apart from that I don't think intelligence is a value statement, in that intelligent people are worth more than less intelligent people. They are not, as we all have the same innate worth that defines our humanity.
Plus, intelligence is still a controversial subject, as it only measures certain aspects of someone's talents, which doesn't include other aspects (such as emotional intelligence, for example). I strongly believe that everybody's got some talents, and that everybody is good at something in life that might fall off the radar of an intelligence test and won't be heeded that way. This, however, doesn't mean those things are not valuable, because they are!

But anyway, I think the gist is that you are content with what you've got on the basis of dealing with and getting on with your life in a somewhat constructive manner. That's all that counts, and it is absolutely possible to enjoy life, be happy and make the best of it regardless of one's IQ!

[Tish]

I recently started reading a book by an autistic man (I ended up flicking through it because it was too heavy for me) and he tried to define intelligence. He himself appeared to have a brain like a computer, i.e., outstanding with numbers and languages. He made a point that people in Mensa have only proved that they're good at puzzles. I could say that I'm not intelligent because I can't compose a piece of music or paint a masterpiece. In other words, we all have our talents that we're good at. I myself don't have a very good memory whereas my sons can store everything they've learned and recall it. I still have all that information I've learned inside me somewhere but I need prompting to remember half of it.

[harasgenster]

I totally get what you mean and I agree that there are many types of intelligence, none of them better than the others. I don't know whether it's really got to do with an idea of intelligent being better, though. I think it's more to do with intelligent being what I thought I was and that core belief being questioned.

As an example of how this has affected me in the past (as it still did affect me at school if it was questioned):

I was ill when I was doing my GCSEs (very bad bulimia then - doesn't aid concentration!) and ended up getting lower marks than I was supposed to. Based on my mock exam results I had had an interview with the head of sixth form about "which oxbridge university I'd prefer to go to". This is what I wanted for myself. I'd always been very interested in learning and very scholarly and I'd always wanted to go to the best university (just think Lisa Simpson for now, haha!)

After I didn't do as well as planned in my GCSEs I had to fill out a form which predicted my A Level results on the basis of my GCSE results. Because I hadn't done as well as I wanted my A Levels were too low to go to any red brick university at all. This completely shattered my confidence because the teacher basically said "now you just try to get those results", which to me was like saying "you're definitely not going to do better". Following this, the school took the brightest kids on a trip to Oxford uni. I wasn't invited, despite the fact the teacher that took the group was the same teacher who had told me I was Oxbridge material six months earlier.

On the basis of these two events I stopped doing my homework, bunked off all the time and basically gave up. I ended up going to uni through clearance, by which time I had picked myself back up again and started to do well.

So the problem is more that it makes a big difference to me. Since I was ten (and decided I was going to work for the BBC, haha) my aims for the future (and I've always had them) have dependent on me being intelligent. So if there's a chance I'm not then there's no point in my future. I still want to work for the BBC, but since leaving uni and where people actually told me I was intelligent or talented or whatever I've lost confidence and I don't work on my projects anymore. I just do my dayjob, which isn't in the career I want to do and get too upset and stressed to do what I really want to do, because if I'm no good at it then nothing matter anymore - and this is the main problem - literally, nothing matters anymore, the rest of my life will be worthless.

I just want to be TOTALLY clear that this view only applies to me. I do not extend it to anyone else i.e. I do not think in any way that I would have more worth than other people if I achieved my aims, nor do I think people have less worth if they aren't high-flyers etc. That's NOT what I mean. I mean I can't imagine being happy without achieving my career goals.

I know all of this is completely stupid but it's the way I think. I basically need some way to not be shaken by any evidence that questions my abilities so that I actually have confidence to do the things I want to do and not just give up - if you see what I'm saying - and I think I also need to not think like the above - i.e. if I don't have this I can never be happy. I know it's stupid and it's actually making it harder to get on with things because of the pressure! I know it's a silly attitude but it's totally ingrained in me, it's like when I had an eating disorder and "I couldn't be happy unless I was thin" - which is still pretty true of me now. It just feels like it's completely impossible to not think that way. I actually can't imagine any other way of thinking, if you see what I mean.

[European]

"I know all of this is completely stupid but it's the way I think." >harasgenster

Yes it is. The way you are thinking is a classic cognitive distortion called "All Or Nothing Thinking". Which basically means that you insist on having either a 100% - or nothing at all.
It's a very common distortion and we all do it in all kinds of contexts. Unfortunately, it's not at all helpful, as it totally undermines one's self-worth and motivation, as you've made very evident in an eloquent way all through your last post.

The thing is, you don't have to think this way. Nobody is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to subscribe to this nonsense, and as it is obviously sabotaging your sense of self-worth and your entire motivation in terms of what you could actually do, this is very, very destructive: This kind of thinking is holding you back.

Maybe it's time for a reality check: All or nothing, 100% or nothing at all, is a very extreme way of looking at things, and not just over-demanding in view of any reality around us, but totally over-demanding of yourself as well. In the real world, only a teeny tiny fraction of this planet's population have virtually everything - or nothing. 99.9% of people are somewhere in between, often very successfully and happily so.

So, how about a little adjustment in your expectations and the way you think, in order to give yourself a chance to get on with anything in the first place, and thus give yourself the opportunity to achieve something, rather than to discourage yourself from the start with totally over the top expectations that only have the effect of making you feel inactive and utterly dejected. It's a bit like shooting yourself in the foot.

It's the little steps that count and generally make people succeed, regardless of their IQ. But whether little steps or one giant leap, the choice is obviously yours. Having said that, I know which choice I'd regard as the intelligent one - and I hope you do too! :winks: