Caring for Terminally ill friend

[paula lynne]

I wasnt going to post about this, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest, and would love a hug right now.:weep:

My friend Connie has stage 4 terminal bowel and stomach cancer. Its metastatic, and the consultant has given her 3 monthes at best. She was to die at home, and has refused chemotherapy, which will add 3 monthes at best.

Her family have got all the bits set up, commode, airflow bed, a great motorised chair that she can control, and Macmillan are coming in every 3 days to deal with pain relief.

Im very close to her daughter. Shes asked me to help care for Connie. I went to change the dressing on her tum the other night, and was professional whilst there, but FREAKED out when I got home. I told her to ring if she needed to, but now Im involved in care (advice, making sure shes clean and fresh, making sure shes eating a little) Im worried that I wont be able to cope, and I really want to help my lovely friend.

I could really do without anxiety beating me right now. It was hard with my mum, but didnt beat me. But it did beat me when I couldnt see my gran before she died. I drank a whole bottle of wine the night I came back from Connies, and felt terrible the next day. and ashamed.

Any tips on how to keep control? I want to be there. I need to be there. Its the least I can do for this wonderful woman. Hugs would go down a treat right now gang x Thanks for listening x P

[ladybird64]

Hugs coming your way..I'm only at the end of the phone. :hugs:

I know you will help to make Connie comfortable but I also want you to make sure that you are comfortable with what you are having to do.
There is no point in doing more than you are able to deal with..and no feeling guilty, that's what the MacMillan nurses are there for.

Do what you can, be a friend and just be there for her in whatever way you can..I'm sure she wouldn't ask for more. xx

[suzy-sue]

Angies right Paula ..Thinking of you and your Friend .Sending you both a big hug luv Suexx:bighug1::bighug1:

[ditzygirl]

OMG - I thought my life was hard just now, you sweetie are really being pushed to the limit.

It's awful isn't it being put in such a situation, I understand completely. As you know I have my hands full with my partners elderly parents and there are times when I wonder if I can hack it.

But I think you can do what you need to do for your friend. Somehow you will find a way through it, and it's my belief that this is where you are meant to be just now in your life. It;s going to take every bit of strength you have but will be worth it!!!

You will need support though and don't underestimate that, this is a huge undertaking so don't be afraid to ask for help. I am lucky coz I have a great GP and nurse who are kind of propping me up and helping me. All they do is listen when I turn up in tears and shaking, but off loading it is really helping me. Its really really important to share your feelings and not bottle it up which is my speciality - hence the anxiety.

Paula - from your posts on here I know you can do what you need to do for your friend, and I am here for you anytime at all.

Big hugs sweetie for you, your friend and all concerned this is a tough time for all of you.
xxx

[paula lynne]

Thank you ladies, youre all such a support to me. Its actually hard for me to ask for help, Ive always been the care giver I guess. I only post when I feel like Im going to blow any minute....its a bad habit of mine as some as you know, as by that time, I feel out of control again.

I must not bottle things up. I must learn to tell you when I start to feel like this, I must learn I am not infallible. and cant be strong all the time. Its reassuring to know Im able to do that here, with you.

I may need to keep this thread going for a bit. Can you please stay with me as I help Connie on her final journey?
I know its going to get tough, I think I need your help I really do.

Love and much gratitude, P x

[HarrogateChris]

Huge hugs from me Paula, don't push yourself too hard, give yourself some space to feel. It's too easy to slip into your professional role and neglect the emotions that will naturally occur in this personal situation.

:bighug1:

Chris xx

[Nigel]

That’s such a sad story Paula.
I think I’d find it too hard to take on what your are. You’re a star :hugs:

Sorry but I don’t really have any wise words, except look after yourself too. It’s no use taking on too much and ending up falling apart and doing less. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back put yourself first.

I’m sure everyone here at NMP will help you through this, but don’t forget you can lean on people like the MacMillian nurses too. They’re not just there for the patient, and they have first hand experience.

Cwtches for you and Connie :hugs:
Nigel

[JaneC]

:hugs: Paula so sorry you and your friend and her family are having to go through this. Of course it is up to you to decide what you can and can't cope with but I'm wondering if it is hard enough being Connie's friend here, without being her nurse as well? You could still try to help make sure she's eating a little in that role too.

You went through so much when your gran died, and it is really important that you take care of yourself as well as your friend. I've seen so many people push themselves so hard in this kind of situation and then just completely fall apart once it's over.

We'll all be here for you, whatever you need though xxx

[Anxious_gal]

aw your such a lovely person :) but please don't forget to look after yourself too.
i know this whole thing is emotionally hard on you and i can see how much you want to help at the same time.
:hugs:

[gaaron]

I'm lost for words accept to say I'm thinking of you :hugs::bighug1::flowers:xxx

[angelica1414]

im new here but having just read your storey i felt i wanted to give you a hug :hugs: im having a tough time at the moment but still nothing compared to this, as others have already said stay strong and look after yourself too and dont beat yourself up, so you had a drink??? sounds to me like you needed it, i wish i could drink but i think after 1 sip id be on my back after 21 years of not having one :ohmy:
im so sorry, this is so sad, love linda xxxx:bighug1:

[gaaron]

Thinking of you and hope you are remembering to take care of yourself :hugs:x

[Hazel B]

Oh Paula, you've had so much to cope with. I know that being a nurse you have the skills to help practically, but I guess when you were at work you could maintain that "professional face" as your patients would not have been friends. This situation is heart-breaking; you want to help, but it tears you up inside. Don't forget, you're still grieving yourself, please try to only take on what you can deal with - you can only grit your teeth and cope for so long before it all gets too much.

Keep venting on here so we can try to help, and make sure you look after yourself. There are other people who can help your friend, I have experience of the McMillan nurses and they are a great help to all involved.

Please take care and don't do too much, not easy I know but please try to say no if it gets too much and talk it out if you start to get too stressed.

Take Care.:hugs:x

[ditzygirl]

Sweetie Paula, we are here for you every step of the way.

I have had to face lots of nasty grief and stuff you never imagine will happen to you.
I have also suffered anxiety etc for a very long time and when the going gets tough you find a way of doing what is right.

You are not alone, we are here for you any time. Only do what you can do and you will look back one day with fond memories that I can promisexxxx

[margaret jones]

Paula thinking of you all and sending lots of :hugs:to try and help you all .

I nursed my brother and whilst I would not have had it any other way it was so draining emotionally. I did give myself timeout and this helped to keep me going .
Do try and take some time for yourself Paula ,I will be checking on the forum to see how you are coping and sending you words of comfort xxxxxx

[KK77]

It's wonderful you're doing this for your friend Paula. The world would be a much poorer place without people like yourself because the love, compassion and support of a friend is priceless.

All the very best to you and your friend.

[PoppyC]

Hi Paula
I really admire you. It cannot be easy at all for you, however please make sure that you do not become unwell yourself in caring for your friend who is very ill. Please look after yourself too.
I made myself so poorly in caring for my parents whose needs were very demanding.
I am so sorry about your friend. What you wrote was heartbreaking.
I am so glad that she has a friend like you. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[calm]

paula...you are such a wonderful caring lady...god love you xxxx thinking of you and please do not hesitate to contact me if you need support xxxxxx

[paula lynne]

Thank you all once again for your support, you are all helping me get through this hand in hand with my panic x

Saw Connie today. Took her up her fav meal (baked Salmon in herbs and lemon, with fresh green beans) and she was thrilled bless her.

She went to Bristol to see a "therapist". He stung her for the best part of £400 for 10 minutes of acupuncture and some liquid tincture of some sorts. I wont go into in now, but she feels its helping so thats the main thing.

She is loosing weight very quickly. Must be 6 stone now. She remains positive and up beat. I spoke to MacMillan (they are just fantastic) and weve ordered a sliding sheet to help change her position in bed. The IDIOT district nurse was still using the "drag lift", which was banned at least 12 years ago when I was nursing!

Its very hard to see my friend like this. Her husband seems to have aged 20 years. She has 6 children (all grown) and the house is busy with people popping in all the while. Its just...I feel like she wants to say something? I dont know really.

Youre posts have helped me yet again, I will do my best for my lovely friend, but as with most of lifes difficulties, its out of my hands. Youve all made me realise this. I will do my best, thats all I can do.

Well, thats it for now. Much love, P xx:hugs:

[JaneC]

Oh Paula, don't know what to say except have a :hugs:. At least you brought some happiness to her day, which is about the best a friend can do xxx

[Magic]

Hi Paula, Such a hard time for you and your friend.I feel for you,and am so sorry. I wish I could help.You will cope I'm sure.It will be hard,but we all behind you here
Lots of Love

[macc noodle]

:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

To you Paula and your dear friend Connie - lots of big hugs.

Do what you can and what you need to do - don't worry how much or how little you can do. Look after yourself as well as your friend - the last thing she would want would be for you to be struggling with your own health over this sad situation.

Thinking of you both

Jan

[Bill]

I can only empathise with you as there are 2 people very close to me also suffering the same.:hugs:

[Little Nicky]

Hi Paula, I was in a similar situation some time ago.x. Cutting a long, difficult time short I was helping to care for my grandad - he had terminal cancer. I did the same kind of things you are doing for your friend. I was seven months pregnant at the time, but the one thing that kept me going even though it was SO terribly sad and difficult was knowing I was making a difference in the last few weeks of his life and that I was there for both my nan and grandad and I had no guilt because I knew I had done everything I possibly could to help them and make them smile when they thought they couldn't. I found it was the little things I did that made all the difference.x. Sadly and unexpectedly I lost them both together two weeks apart - grandad to cancer - nana to a broken heart.x. I named my lovely baby boy in their memory.x.

You hang on in there honey and remember even if some days you can only manage the little things, well they SO VERY MUCH COUNT TOO.X. You are doing a wonderful thing here and it will never be forgotten.x.

Please take care of you too and I will be thinking of you.x.

:hugs:

[ditzygirl]

Paula - it is awful to watch isnt it. At least with my situation my inlaws are elderly- still tough to watch but a little easier IMO than watching someone younger.

You can only do your best sweetie - and your friend would only expect you to do what you are comfortable with.

I appreciate how hard it is just now but one day you will have fond memories and no regrets - you'll see hun.

And we are here for you so you have no worries therexxxxxx

[HarrogateChris]

Thinking of you Paula :bighug1:

Chris x

[paula lynne]

I was supposed to see Connie today. Its very stormy here with the wind and rain lashing everything, we live in a valley on top of a hill. I didnt make it. I guess I talked myself out of it. Whats wrong with me?? Its only rain!? Ok, its the week before my monthly, and as my mates know here, horrendous vertigo and palps, but the poor woman is dealing with blooming stage 4 cancer, and I still talked myself out of it. Feeling very ashamed and guilty. Its a 20 min walk uphill, not great for an agoraphobic, but is that an excuse?????

I cant bear the thought she may have been waiting for me today, and I just "couldnt be bothered". I let anxiety beat me today. And I really thought Id got IT beat.
Shamful behaviour. And I sit here preaching to others how to deal with anxiety and panic!? Im having a bad day, but not as bad as Connie. Time is not on her side. OH GOD why didnt I at LEAST TRY....easy way out as usual Paula. Shameful

[ditzygirl]

Oh Sweetie

You poor thing. I understand how you feel completely, I am uneasy being out in these horrid gales too - they are frightening.

Can you contact Connie by phone and tell her you are feeling under the weather? Please don't beat urself up - you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can do. Connie would be upset to think you are feeling like this I'm sure.

You are being unfair on yourself to compare your situation to Connies hun. Your illness is real and has a major impact on your life - you can't under estimate that. But I can completely understand where you are coming from too.

I just want you to be kind to yourself and the rest will work itself out.

You are already being a true friend to Connie in really difficult times. And with our issues that is a real achievement.

:bighug1:thinking of you xxxxx

[paula lynne]

Thank you hunny, a wonderful warm and supportive post as always x
I cant ring her, no credit and no money til Friday, I guess thats why I feel so bad, she hasnt even got my mobile number. (An anxiety and panic thing, hate phones, got rid of landline as everytime it rung I feared the worst..someone had died, my kids were maimed in a horrid accident etc...freaked me out. Only 10 people have my mobile) I guess I will have to try again when the weather abates. Still feel awful. Bad time for me I guess. Sorry. Bloody hormones.:hugs:

[ditzygirl]

Don't be sorry hun - i understand completely. Bloody hormones indeed!!!!!

xxxx

[Hazel B]

Don't be guilty love, you have an illness too. Let her know when you can, I'm sure she has other people there.

You're a good and true friend, hope you are OK.:hugs:x

[ljd]

(((((((((((((((((paula)))))))))))))))))))))) tc linds

[paula lynne]

Connie passed away last night. I thought it was too soon, I thought we'd have her til at least April. Im a bit shook up.

Dont know what else to say except thanks to my friends who've supported me.

Can I ask admin to please delete/close this thread in 24 hrs..Thanks all x

P x

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Hi

Awww sorry to hear that, sending big hugs to you. :hugs::hugs:

Anita.

[KK77]

Very sorry to hear this. My condolences to you all.

((Hugs))

[suzy-sue]

Im so very sorry Paula .Thats so sad ..Sending you and Connies family and friends my heartfelt sympathy .Rest in peace dear Connie ..luv Sue x:bighug1:

[Thumbelina]

Paula, really sorry about your friend. You are a great friend and Connie was happy to have you. She is in a better place now and will be watching over you. Sorry

[HarrogateChris]

Really sorry to hear that Paula. Thinking of you :hugs:

Chris

[bashley]

Ah Paula you are doing an amazing thing, you are so kind.
Please also take care of yourself, it must be hard but just think that what
you are doing is truly wonderful.just try and take some time out for yourself even if its a walk in the park or a coffee. Sending lots of hugs.
Lisa:hugs:

[PoppyC]

Paula
I am so sorry to hear about your friend, Connie.
You sounded like you were a very good friend to her, and I am sure that helped her a lot.
Look after yourself at this difficult time for you, when you are not feeling good either.
Sympathies to you and Connie's family.
Thinking of you.
:hugs:

[paula lynne]

Thanks all, your support means the world. Can admin close this thread now/ or delete/ or whatever please x

[Greenman50]

Just seen this and i,m a new member , but would like to say your friend is very lucky to have you as a best friend .

Stay strong and look after yourself :bighug1:

I actually feel pathetic with my small problems now .

[paula lynne]

Mel youre not pathetic. You are as important as the next person. Especially on this forum. Thanks for your post xxxxxxxxxx

[paula lynne]

Oh my, its the funeral tomorrow, and my stomach is in knots! At least I managed to stay away from the wine to calm myself tonight. Ive had 3 bottles over the past week! None tonight though, blooming palps were out of control.

Its not far to go, and hubby is coming with me for support bless him, hes taken half day at work. Im not going to the Kingdom Hall afterwards, Im going home to light a candle for Connie and stick on my Buddy Holly CDs, and maybe The Seekers...anyone remember them?

So, its 11am, and Im taking my dizzy with me, and my agoraphobia if it can be bothered. Will be home by 12ish, and will keep busy for the rest of the day.
Im grateful to all of you whove helped me this past week, your support means the world. !st class, everyone of you. Thanks friends x

[macc noodle]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow - I had to go to my cousin's funeral last November (she was only 39 and left behind a very young family) and it was heartbreaking on the day but I was glad that I went and said goodbye and showed my support to her family.

Glad your hubby is coming with you for support :)

Perhaps dizzy can stay at home with agoraphobia if they are both so inclined?

Take care

Jan
x

[paula lynne]

Thanks Jan, yes, I may give them both the day off actually....thats sounds good.
Im so sorry about your cousin.x
Thanks for your support x