hate myself

[Katrina3]

I feel really low at the minute so low that its getting to the point where i could just end my life right away, i dont understand some days ill be fine but this week has been really bad for me and im just feeling really depressed.

[dawnym]

I hate days like this when it just comes and gets hold and drags you to the floor.
I totally understand how you feel I woke up okay now my world has sunk and at the bottom of my pit.
Why ? dont know just hit me like a bolt at lunchtime.
you did the right thing coming here,I find lots of people with understanding words and kind comments.
Don't give up it will pass
xxxxxxxx

[Keitharcher]

katrina

First your to valuable as a person to waste it, though I know where you are coming from, I was there a while ago. Try to see positives in things even if its only that a trouble is not so bad. Soon you will become more positive and troubles will be behind you. Hope you get back to normal soon

Keith

[Karen]

Hi Katrina

I too have at times felt at rock bottom and at the point where I could see no point in going on. However, these times do pass and, as you yourself noted, some days are much better than others.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Often it doesn't feel like it will ever end, but there are subtle changes and times when things are better.

Do you keep a journal? This is a good way of reminding yourself that you do have better days and things are not always as bad as you feel they are right now.

Aim to get through the day an hour at a time and do what you can to distract yourself from these feelings. Do you have someone to speak to? Are you receiving any help from a therapist?

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[heths]

Hi Katrina,

I've felt like this not long after I started with panic attacks. What helped me was to do things I enjoyed and to think positively even if it was something small.

Things will get better.

Take Care,


Heather

[Katrina3]

Hi Karen

Yeah i keep a journel cant seem to find any good parts though, i flicked through and the fisrt week of Jan is okay, then each page gets worse and worse, i try and express my feelings in poems but it just makes me feel the same way, im scared that im pushing the two people that im closest to away, my aunt and i hardley talk and my twin is fed up with me, i cant really say to my aunt i dont want to live my life any more as it will hurt her. Im so stuck, my life has been full of crap and i thought things will be better when i came here yet i seem to be ruining a life style that i use to dream of...nothing makes sense

Yes, i went to my college counsellor but me bieng me missed most sessions as it was on a busy day,so i have this other thing lined up that i went to the doctors about, i dont knnow wether it help me as i cant see anything that can. I feel so angry and tired all the time and im sick of feeling like this :(

[Karen]

Hi Katrina

Firstly, none of this is your fault. Depression causes social withdrawal and when I am at my worst I would not want to talk to or see anyone, or even post here, even though it has been my lifeline.

It is a shame about the college counsellor but it is good your doctor is sorting something out for you. Do you know what kind of counselling this will be? Do you have an appointment yet?

I've had so many times over the years where I've felt everything was so bleak and I would never find a way out. In my teens I had attempted suicide 3 times by the time I was 17 but a lot of that was due to family circumstances and being prevented from receiving the help I needed.

At the moment you are feeling so low that your mind kind of distorts everything in a negative mental filter. That's why you worry about your aunt and twin being fed up with you, whereas it is very possible that they would like to be able to support you and do all they can to help.

It also makes it hard to see a future or see past the blackness of depression. It is not that long ago that I was feeling suicidal but I have to keep reminding myself that it is the emotional and depressive thinking that causes me to feel this way and that I can come back out of it again.

At times when I am feeling particularly vulnerable - and there have been times when I've felt close to acting on the suicidal thoughts - I am not able to find a way to carry on for me, or to care about myself enough to want to keep fighting. So, instead I imagine a very good friend of mine is here with me. I imagine what she would be saying to me at these times and it really helps. When I can't care about myself, I can still care about others and know that good friends are doing the rational thinking for me.

Another technique I've heard others using is to imagine what you would say to a friend who is feeling like you do now. How would you encourage her and support her through these difficult times?

With regard to the diary, sometime re-reading all the negative things doesn't help, and I find it difficult to even recognise the positives at times. However, one thing that can help is to use a depression rating system. So, for each day, or even different parts of the day, score how you are feeling on a scale of 1-10 - 1 being the worst you have ever felt, and 10 being the best.

Quite often we only remember the bad times and feelings, when there can actually be even very slight fluctuations during the day. If you have done a specific activity, spoken to your twin, your aunt or a friend, or done something creative etc, score how you felt afterwards. This can help you to recognise what can help to lift mood and also that there can be ups and downs each day and in fact often the feelings are not at the very worst for weeks and weeks on end. Give this a go.

What kinds of things do you enjoy (or used to before feeling depressed)? Try to do one nice thing for yourself every day. It doesn't have to be anything big, maybe just having a relaxing bubble bath, or watching a favourite film etc.

We are here for you Katrina and it is entirely possible to come through this depression but sometimes we need some help to get there.

Keep talking to us here if it helps and I hope the counselling can start soon.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Katrina3]

Hi Karen

Im sorry to hear that you tried to commit sucide, I know this sounds awful but i still dont want to live, i see what you mean i would of course be upset if my best friend wanted to commit sucide and do evrey thing i could to stop her. I just cant think rationlaly at the moment and i have tried to be different, like yesterday,(coming down stairs and talking,baking with my cousin) but i still feel the same feelings.

I have an appoitment on a Monday that iv got told about but unsure of Monday it is.

Ill try writing on a scale for each day.

I did watch films but then every one said i was bieng rude by not coming down stairs and talking to every one. as for a bath i wouldnt be able to relax at all, thanks for the ideas though, my fave thing at the moment is sleeping.

I know that i have changed so much. i mean i cant remember the last time where iv laughed so much that it hurts or have just felt happy, i use to get up early for a t.v show (Storm stories) on a Sunday now i wouldnt dream of getting out of bed that early, so i suppose i could statr getting up and watching it again.

Thanks
Kat

[Karen]

Hi Kat

The reason I mentioned my past suicide attempts is because I can understand how it feels to be so low that it seems worse to live than to die. However, I would say that often thoughts of suicide are more of a way of wanting a way out of feeling that way, even if it means dying, rather than wanting to die. It sometimes just feels there is no other option but there is and you can feel better in time.

Perhaps you could check up to find out when the appointment is.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">i use to get up early for a t.v show (Storm stories) on a Sunday now i wouldnt dream of getting out of bed that early, so i suppose i could statr getting up and watching it again.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well that would be a very good place to start. The other suggestions were just suggestions to hopefully get you to think of some very small changes you might be able to contemplate for yourself. And it seems you have already started so well done!

This won't go away overnight and it does feel terrible when you are living through it, but it won't last forever either. Keep reminding yourself of that.

We are here for you.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Katrina3]

Hiya

Well today i went to Newport train station as my aunt and cousin kept asking me to come and i thought hey why not its only a train station and i was on the phone to my sister most of the time so i was okay, however my aunt wanted to go to Hobby craft and my luck its busy [Ugh] but i did it though, actaully went out for the fisrt time in ages!
I out my foot down though when they wanted to go to PDSA, but still i did it so am qiute pleased (tired,but drinking plenty of coke)

A good day today i reckon, but i wont hold my breathe for the next few days, have college on Monday!

[Karen]

Hi Kat

Well done! You've done brilliantly today and concentrate on the here and now. Don't start thinking about tomorrow or Monday - one day at a time.

As Nigel mentioned, I hope you have written about today in your journal and rated the day according to how well you have done! These are the kinds of things that can help you cope with days that are not quite so good.


Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[andrew]

well done kat for going out today, good to see you trying to get your life back. like karen said, one day at a time. take care .. andrew

[Katrina3]

Hi

thanks, i got given an option today either stay home alone or go to Cardiff....chose to stay home, the house is really clean lol, but im okay diong well have been on the phone to my older sister, she said she would like me to come to visit in May and see my niece, so thats my goal to go there! I wrote it all down in my journel aswell!

[Karen]

Great news Kat. It helps so much to have goals to aim for and things to look forward to.

You're doing well.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Katrina3]

Thanks

I had Wednesday of....nearly a full week though!

Feel like im getting down a again, have fallen out with my aunt aswell so it dosnt help, i still feel the same feelings has i have done, my sister wants me to go back and live with her and my Mum, and i dont want to really, but im drinving every one insane here, so i dont know what to do about it and am thinking of my first best solution, ending my life. [Sigh...]

[andrew]

hi kat,

try not to let your depressive feelings overwhelm you. family situations can really mess with your feelings as well eh. if its your choice where to stay, just tell them all where you want to stay.

are you seeing anybody and talking about your feelings. when you are feeling really low, its better to talk about how you feel rather than bottle it all up.

do keep on trying to get yourself out of the house and stay busy. there must be some things that you like other than sleeping lol, keep your chin up.

take care .. andrew

[Karen]

Hi Kat

You have been doing so well and remember that there will still be tough days when things are harder to cope with than others.

Regarding where you stay, I really think you need to put yourself first for a change and consider where you want to live. We all fall out with people from time to time and I am sure you and your aunt will be able to make up and put it behind you.

Suicide isn't the 'best solution', it is the black and white thinking of depression which is causing you to think this way. Look back on your journal and focus on all the positive things you have been doing recently.

This is a blip and you can come through it. We are all here cheering you on and standing by to offer support.



Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Katrina3]

Well my little has gone missing since yesterday :( im am so worried and feel so upset about it, she is 15 and went missing in London with her two friends. i dont know what to do...

[nomorepanic]

Oh dear. Have you reported this to police?

Nicola