harasgenster
21-01-11, 22:25
I'm feeling pretty bad tonight. My boyfriend has gone to his friend's house for a drink because it's his friend's birthday.
This partly means I'm on my own so I'm trapped with my own thoughts and it also makes me anxious because this is a friend he used to take drugs with and, although I know they won't be taking drugs tonight, the thought of drugs is making me nervous.
I'm not worried about any safety aspect of it, like he'll get ill or die or anything, it's because when I was a teenager all of my friends kind of abandoned me and I was basically on my own for two years and I thought (mistakenly I now know) it was because they were taking drugs and I wasn't.
The real reason, I've now been told, was because they didn't like my boyfriend at the time. He was very controlling and he would turn up everywhere, I couldn't get away from him. He'd turn up when it was breaktime at school - he was 23, I was 16 - and I couldn't get any time without him. For some reason my friends thought I was happy just being with him (despite the fact I obviously went downhill and stopped washing, wore men's clothes, went from being confident to not talking to anyone at all) and just kind of pissed off without saying anything to me. Even at our sixth form ball, which they organised, they sat themselves at the front and me at a table at the other side of the room with what seemed like a collection of other people who didn't have friends.
I'm still really angry at them for that and partly because of the mental health problems I was suffering at the time, partly because of the controlling boyfriend (who I wouldn't have been with if it wasn't for the mental health problems) I just feel like I've completely missed out on being young. When I think of other people taking drugs, it just reminds me that I haven't been there and done that. It's not really that I want to take drugs (I have done anyway), it's that everybody I used to care about did and they bonded and I was left out. And whenever I talk to people my age, they've all done it and they've all bonded through these parties they went to when they were a teenager - parties I was never invited to because a) people didn't like my boyfriend and b) I was weird.
Since I was 12 (now 24) there's been depression followed by eating disorders, followed by extreme social phobia, followed by agoraphobia, folowed by a whole host of psychosomatic illnesses that are making everything feel difficult. I just haven't had time to be young. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel so jealous of everyone else when they talk about being a teenager or going out when they were at uni. I didn't do any of that stuff because I was too ill, didn't have friends for part of it, and wasn't much liked because I was too weird.
When I'm on my own like this, all of this stuff just plays on my mind and I'm struggling to imagine a future where I'm happy. I know I haven't been ill as long as some people here, but this has been a pretty important 12 years I feel like I've missed out on. It's not like it's all been awful, I have had good times, it's just that I haven't had any prolonged period of feeling ok and having any hope about my future. I just feel like this is going to carry on for the rest of my life and that just makes me want to run away.
I especially want to run away from people. Sometimes when my boyfriend is out I think maybe I just won't let him back into the house. Or when I haven't seen a friend for a couple of weeks I think maybe I'll just cut them out of my life. I like them but I being around friends, having a boyfriend, hearing about drugs, it all reminds me of losing everyone and that makes me upset.
I'm sorry this is just such a massive unorganised rant. I'm not sure what I'm really looking for. I would just like to hear a story from someone that said: I had mental health problems for over a decade but I'm fine now and I haven't suffered for years. I just want to know that there's even a remote possibility that I can get rid of this.
This partly means I'm on my own so I'm trapped with my own thoughts and it also makes me anxious because this is a friend he used to take drugs with and, although I know they won't be taking drugs tonight, the thought of drugs is making me nervous.
I'm not worried about any safety aspect of it, like he'll get ill or die or anything, it's because when I was a teenager all of my friends kind of abandoned me and I was basically on my own for two years and I thought (mistakenly I now know) it was because they were taking drugs and I wasn't.
The real reason, I've now been told, was because they didn't like my boyfriend at the time. He was very controlling and he would turn up everywhere, I couldn't get away from him. He'd turn up when it was breaktime at school - he was 23, I was 16 - and I couldn't get any time without him. For some reason my friends thought I was happy just being with him (despite the fact I obviously went downhill and stopped washing, wore men's clothes, went from being confident to not talking to anyone at all) and just kind of pissed off without saying anything to me. Even at our sixth form ball, which they organised, they sat themselves at the front and me at a table at the other side of the room with what seemed like a collection of other people who didn't have friends.
I'm still really angry at them for that and partly because of the mental health problems I was suffering at the time, partly because of the controlling boyfriend (who I wouldn't have been with if it wasn't for the mental health problems) I just feel like I've completely missed out on being young. When I think of other people taking drugs, it just reminds me that I haven't been there and done that. It's not really that I want to take drugs (I have done anyway), it's that everybody I used to care about did and they bonded and I was left out. And whenever I talk to people my age, they've all done it and they've all bonded through these parties they went to when they were a teenager - parties I was never invited to because a) people didn't like my boyfriend and b) I was weird.
Since I was 12 (now 24) there's been depression followed by eating disorders, followed by extreme social phobia, followed by agoraphobia, folowed by a whole host of psychosomatic illnesses that are making everything feel difficult. I just haven't had time to be young. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel so jealous of everyone else when they talk about being a teenager or going out when they were at uni. I didn't do any of that stuff because I was too ill, didn't have friends for part of it, and wasn't much liked because I was too weird.
When I'm on my own like this, all of this stuff just plays on my mind and I'm struggling to imagine a future where I'm happy. I know I haven't been ill as long as some people here, but this has been a pretty important 12 years I feel like I've missed out on. It's not like it's all been awful, I have had good times, it's just that I haven't had any prolonged period of feeling ok and having any hope about my future. I just feel like this is going to carry on for the rest of my life and that just makes me want to run away.
I especially want to run away from people. Sometimes when my boyfriend is out I think maybe I just won't let him back into the house. Or when I haven't seen a friend for a couple of weeks I think maybe I'll just cut them out of my life. I like them but I being around friends, having a boyfriend, hearing about drugs, it all reminds me of losing everyone and that makes me upset.
I'm sorry this is just such a massive unorganised rant. I'm not sure what I'm really looking for. I would just like to hear a story from someone that said: I had mental health problems for over a decade but I'm fine now and I haven't suffered for years. I just want to know that there's even a remote possibility that I can get rid of this.