Need to get a grip feel so ashamed of myself

[phil06]

I feel a bit low about things tonight. I've been late for work by 15 minutes a few days and I have phoned in sick about three of four times in 3 or 4 weeks. Before this I went six months without a day off since starting the job. Been told if I keep it up I could lose my job. I feel pitiful as my hours have only been 8 a week since after Xmas. So I'm going to maybe have to sign on as I'm barley working and more hours looks unlikely now even though someones left due to my poor attendance. Twice anxiety kind of beat my rest was the snow or I was I'll one day.

I feel ashamed just working these hours and I can't be bothered to turn up on time duno what's happening to me. Went for a job interview this week but that's also only 7 hours so id need two jobs.

I wanted to work my way to management and pass my driving test but that's on hold. I couldn't cope after 4 fails at driving tests last year. I feel so bad for quitting but I booked a 5th and spent every day crumbling in worry so cancelled.

I'm not sure if my high levels of anxiety have made me this way. At the time I don't care if in late for work more worried I survive and dont die from anxiety. I feel really selfish as I can only think of me and ive spent 3 hours grovelling, finding myself reflection since coming in from work after that reality check from my boss. Sadly I know I've been a bit selfish and anxious of late so I accept this.

Where I go from here? Well I need to work more hours I guess? I'm 22 and still need to grow up. I know it's wrong to compare but some have it all at my age but here's me struggling along. I know it can't be this way forever bug some say I need to shaft anxiety aside and get on with life. Instead im a sorry excuse. Wondering where or why it all went wrong story of my life.. Anybody any words of wisdom? Maybe I need to stop playing a game of luck and create my own? I just feel hopeless :weep:

[ElizabethJane]

Hi Phil please don't be ashamed that you are suffering from anxiety and depression. I am assuming that your boss knows of your illness? Try to take one day at a time. I know that I am going to feel lowsy first thing but by about 11.am I am functioning normally. Try to be kind to yourself. Mentally prepare for the day ahead even if it means ironing and laying out your clothes the previous night. If you have breakfast think about what you are going to eat. I'm not sure if you work your hours all in one go but try to have some 'anchors' ie focal points during the day ie phoning or texting someone close or reading the newspaper whatever you enjoy. Jobs are important these days and once you have lost a job it is far more difficult to get another one. Please don't take on more than you can cope with at the moment. Put the driving test on hold but still practice if there is someone willing to take you out in the car. In depression recovery is usually one step foward then one step back. Try not to be discouraged when you feel that you are failing. You have the capacity to become well again. EJ.

[Greenman50]

Hi

With jobs the way they are at the moment theres thousands of peeps no further a head than you are . I also know the feeling of "can,t be bothered" at the moment and i,m in my forties , after years of self employment and enjoying my job i can no longer seem to motivate myself even thou the household cash is in short supply now :ohmy:

It will happen , but try not to be to hard on yourself (something i,m guilty of) , it will happen .
Write down a plan of action , small steps at a time and work up from there .

Hope this helps

[Greenman50]

ELIZBETHJANE , put it so much better :yesyes:

Great advice .

[phil06]

Hi Phil please don't be ashamed that you are suffering from anxiety and depression. I am assuming that your boss knows of your illness? Try to take one day at a time. I know that I am going to feel lowsy first thing but by about 11.am I am functioning normally. Try to be kind to yourself. Mentally prepare for the day ahead even if it means ironing and laying out your clothes the previous night. If you have breakfast think about what you are going to eat. I'm not sure if you work your hours all in one go but try to have some 'anchors' ie focal points during the day ie phoning or texting someone close or reading the newspaper whatever you enjoy. Jobs are important these days and once you have lost a job it is far more difficult to get another one. Please don't take on more than you can cope with at the moment. Put the driving test on hold but still practice if there is someone willing to take you out in the car. In depression recovery is usually one step foward then one step back. Try not to be discouraged when you feel that you are failing. You have the capacity to become well again. EJ.

Thanks for the reply.

I don't tell my work I have anxiety or my friends as I feel better keeping it like private in my family. Just I dont want fussed over and in the pash my key to recovery was being socialiable and avoiding the anxiety word.

I realised today no doctor or pill or person can cure me and it's from within me. I have done slot of research in books that's helped and though I feel crap from panic now no point in moaning as I put myself in this feeling every day. So I want to be on time from work the word from my boss was low key but I feel I need a good telling off to. But I'm old enough and wise enough to know I'm the wrong. I know it's only a minor issue to some but I want to feel proud and happy with what I do not coming home thinking ive been paid for nothing.

I don't really plan like in late as I rush around again my fault. Some days I make progress but sometimes wit no motivation it's the easy option to stay indoors. But having spent weeks in I learned the past few weeks just going out every day even if it was not for long was the right thing to do.

[phil06]

I wish I could pick myself up just feel I'm battling every day and nothing seems to work for me right now. Feel it's been well over a year maybe more since I felt content and happy.

It's really hard to cope as in so miserable being 22 and it's been three abd a half years since I had a g.f and relationship and a job I liked. How long before things go my way? Fed up trying getting no where :blush:

[mercer88]

Phil,

Hate to tell you buddy but sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it. I've spent nearly a decade hearing that "It'll come good one day; you'll get your luck!" bullshit and I never do.

But the fact that you still wake up every day and keep trying means more than any supposed, generic joy or happiness ever could.

When it comes to a job; you're probably best off being honest with your employer and telling them about your condition. My work were very; almost stupidly understanding but the fact is that owing to anxiety being a mental illness it is covered under the disability discrimination act and big employers are weary of doing anything to upset a mental pateint; or, more specifically, their potential lawyers!

The fact that you are feeling anxious is probably due to fear of having a new job, fear of potentially losing it, and also underlying anxiety about driving tests. Always focus on these things. Remember that these are the causes and that what you feel is nothing but a symptom. You have nothing to be ashamed about for being a sufferer of anxiety; indeed you have more right to take time to yourself than some idiot with man-flu or someone who takes a day off with a hangover!

You are one of the brave Phil. One of those people who wakes up every morning and has to live with fear from that waking moment to the moment they fall asleep. The fact that your persevere makes you a rare and brave individual and thus, you are worth your job, you are worth your life and; to get onto the next subject, you are worth a relationship!

But when it comes to love...Please, do not rush it, nor think that everyone who has someone's hand to hold or orifice to enjoy is living the dream. I have recently got out of a four year relationship and, surprisingly for someone with a fear of being alone, I seem to be doing much better. If anything you should focus on getting to be happy with yourself first because, that kind of confidence is a very attractive quality and the minute you can accept you for who you truly are, I am certain you will find someone who loves you just as much, if not more; anxiety and all!

[phil06]

I've been reading Claire Weekes books closely and alot of it makes sense. Basically I'm at a stage where whenever my anxiety decreases I slip back to old habbits. It also says there's a difference between true acceptance and putting up with. Totally true for me and my counsoller a few weeks ago said I do cope as in here now but she does not realise every day seems a struggle for me.

I duno what to do I wish I could get better.

[hiraani]

I completely agree with everyone's advice, try not to be too hard on yourself and take little steps. Have you spoken with your GP about how you're feeling? I really think you need some extra support, sometimes with the best will in the world we can't manage on our own and need to reach out and ask for help and not give ourselves a tough time if we do. I can understand your concerns about privacy but in this instance you need to speak to your employer, everything will make sense to them if you do, as mercer88 said you have rights so they will have to tread cautiously. Perhaps you can put it in writing, might help you word things. I'm guessing you will feel relief once things are out in the open but if you don't people will put 2+2 together and come up with 5 and draw their own conclusions.. and losing your job will just make the situation worse. Nothing will change if you don't make any changes. Hope this helps. Best of luck!

[macc noodle]

Hi Phil

Please don't feel ashamed - it is a waste of an emotion. You are suffering from an illness which causes you to act in certain ways when suffering most - fact!

Be brave, tell your employers first off and tell them how much you want to keep your job as it is really important to you and your well being. See how they respond - you could be surprised.

Now - you say you want things to change which is great :) But you need to take small steps and focus on one thing at a time instead of dwelling on lots of things you want to change/acheive cos it will just dwarf you and you will end of doing nothing.

Set yourself an acheivable target - it could be something simple like reading a certain newspaper or spending a certain amount of time job searching on internet looking for a job with more hours. Or perhaps you could volunteer to do something out of the home? Try and choose something you really would like to do and feel that you could do it. Once you have done this, you will feel more confident about starting to tackle the bigger wishes on your wish list - trust me it will work.

Life is hard for lots of people at the moment but we all have to keep fighting the fight to feel better and have a better quality of life - I am sure you can do it - good luck!

:D

[phil06]

It just feel really low about things right now. Felt since last year nothing is going my way and I can't cope.

Like bad news all around means depressing as I spend hours dwelling over it even if it does not directly affect me. I always feel worse between 8pm and 10pm each night as that's when I fear I can't cope. Not sure why these panics come at this time.

Right now what stresses me is:

*I gave up my driving after 4 fails last year in angry as I gave up.

*My work, the distance, lack of hours.

*Had no internet for over a week so I'm using my mobile phone to post so it's stressful the internet being broke.

*So depressed about being single there's no ideal women for me. Feels time is flying and I'm still single.

Same stuff that's bothered me months really. Just fear I'll go mad or won't be able to cope anymore? :lac:

[Greenman50]

Phil .....if only i was 22 again :D, i,m double your age plus vat . Try to enjoy what you have (think of the positives) .

Theres a good book i,ve been reading , THE POWER OF NOW by eckhart tolle , takes some reading (i,m as thick as a gurkas 4 skin ) but it is a very good book . It helps you to not dwell on the future or the past , but live in the Now .

It has helped me to get a few things into perspective , its under a tenner and worth punt but needs repeat reading .

Get well soon my friend , you will :yesyes:

[sammie]

hi phil

i have been reading your posts and your going through exactly the same as i did everything you describe every question i have also asked . i am now fully recovered and so you will be . if i can help in any way please message me

samx

[JaneC]

Phil, when I was your age, I and my life were an absolute mess. I'd had anorexia, followed by severe depression. I hadn't had a boyfriend in a couple of years and I gave up my job to concentrate on getting my head sorted out. I felt my life was ruined and had nothing to live for.

I'm not going to pretend that I've always found life easy but I did manage to turn things round - got back to work, had relationships, enjoyed myself, got married, had kids, belatedly learned to drive. It can be done! Read the books that have been recommended to you and maybe read back over some of the advice you have been given. I think you were seeing a therapist? How's that going? Honestly, you can change things xx

[paul75]

the fact that you're "trying" means more than any end result. it isn't the end result that matters, it's the fact that you keep going and hoping for something better, and it will happpen.

[paul75]

PS, there is no such thing as an "ideal woman", or indeed an "ideal man". People are what they are, nobody fits in to an ideal catergory, if you are looking for someone ideal you will always be dissapointed. ;)

[phil06]

Since my post I did leave my job as of today. Was late last week got a warning..and today I was late but only by like a minute. So they were going to go through disciplinary and I'd be sacked anyway but I was given the choice to resign and be done with it.

Distance was a problem it was awkward to get to as it was in another town...I had bad anxiety before starting the job though..my hours were cut a few weeks ago so I had to see the job centre this week anyway. I never really wanted to discuss about the anxiety as I've had lots of jobs anyway and my current job in retail was not really what I wanted to do long term.

My head feels muffled..I ignored the warnings I'd get sacked ..but when they cut my hours I started later in the day so I couldn't be bothered moving..I take responsibility I was quite lazy and careless about it so lost the job. Usually I'm not as bad in jobs but this one it was just really before xmas I started taking sick days and lateness so my fault really.

I do feel I have let myself down though..duno if it was anxiety or just stupidity which lost me the job I've left jobs for all sorts of reasons before. I don't worry about finding another job at the moment as I'm sure I will but..the anxiety I need to root it out.

At the moment I suffer bits of OCD, depression, panic and derealization is one of my main symptoms. Not sure if anybody can relate but I look around and it's all unreal but I have this tonight in my head what I see is a fuzz...because I feel on another planet..like I feel my mind is elsewhere but duno why? maybe the past at better times..maybe that's why the derealization is shutting out how miserable I am right now? it was only really a few months ago I accepted I was a tad unsure of what I wanted in life whether I want to party or meet a new g.f but I've been single that long. Even like when I read I can't be bothered..I feel I'm just battling through life..I glance at words..things but feel on another planet..is this normal with DP? Also had alot of memory blanks..feeling frozen.

So yep I'm a bit puzzled..the management at work were nice about it and said it was not personal. I lost my attendance and time keeping so really anybody would get the sack...a lesson to be learned I guess? I just need to find myself again..maybe start a fresh I hope it's a blessing in disguise...I am upset but I'll get over it as at 22 I have been through jobs like hot dinners.

I keep thinking something is wrong with me..either dying or going mad..that's been a regular pattern in my head for months but I do know I need to stop thinking "inword" and look around me, not think of just me to get over it. I want to but worry if I do..I'll still suffer bad anxiety and then I'll start thinking it's not anxiety causing it...

But I feel yeah I use to walk out on jobs atleast I stuck this one out and I never wanted to leave today but I knew I could not get another chance as I asked..so I'm annoyed at myself...you learn an art to get on with your work and not walk out in the first week then your attendance drops which was not an issue in the past but maybe that's life?

Not wanting sympathy for losing my job..as I am mature enough now to know..I made an error and thought I could keep being late for some reason. Right now all I care about is letting this anxiety drop because I'm sick of it..it never cost me the job but I battle this daily..I could go out more but don't..so really I need to take a long hard look and fix this. :shrug: