It's hard

[W.I.F.T.S.]

There are many things that I am still trying to come to terms with. I've had severe depression and panic attacks for 3 years now and I've done really well to carry on working, to go away for holidays and to go out there and be proactive. If I wasn't unwell, then the things that I have done would surely have made me feel really good about myself, so why haven't they lifted me out of my depression?

I feel like I was more ill towards the start of my depression when I barricaded myself in my room on christmas day because I had a horrible, violent urge to hurt myself or other people that terrified me. Yet, back then, there were other times when I could drive down the motorway quite happily, now it's a struggle to leave my home town.

I've always tried to push through the fear: I've gone away, I've driven over bridges, been on motorways, climbed small mountains, been on planes and, for most of them, it was really easy and I felt great afterwards, but the frustrating part is that I still haven't conquered the fear. I still have the same terror about doing those things as I ever did.

I am learning the lesson that fear is purely psychological. When I see old grannies climbing the Great Orme in LLandudno, I know that I can do it too and the only thing stopping me is me.

I am learning that the reason I have been depressed most of my life is because I have let fear rule me. I have been passive and not dared to ask for what I want, letting other people ride over me to get what they want. I've not really joined in with things or put myself out there. I've not given myself the opportunity to make new friends because I've been introverted and scared of rejection. I've not dared go for what I want in case I fail (or succeed!).

I am learning that I'm not unusual or a freak, that most other people think exactly the same as me. That they have intrusive thoughts too, but that they don't feel the shame, the guilt or the fear about them that i do.

I am learning that 'normal' people aren't all super confident and sure of themselves, that we all struggle to find direction and meaning in life. I am also learning that the people I know who are the happiest are either those that have truly accepted their lot or those that keep pushing through fear, stretching themselves, expanding their comfort zones and seeking new experiences. Those that are the happiest are doing what they want with their lives, rather than conforming to what other people want them to do.

I am learning how important it is to live in the hear and now, to live life rather than endure it. The two things that scare me the most are 'what if... ' and trying to take on the scale of the world that we live in. I look outside my window and see miles of fields and it makes me feel sick in my stomach because I think that this is the surface of the earth and it goes for thousands of miles in every direction...stop the world I want to get off!!! But the funny thing is that I can also see it how 'well' or 'normal' people would see it, as a beautiful scene.

I'm learning that my life isn't a failure if I don't become recognised as a genius or make a million pounds. I'm also learning how many people put those exact same pressures on themselves and become paralysed by them. The important thing for me is to keep growing and to learn how to appreciate life more fully.

I'm learning that other people's wisdom is valid and helpful and that i don't have to try and do it all by myself. This site and self-help books have really helped to mould my outlook.

I'm learning that recovery doesn't necessarily happen in a straight line. There have been so many times when I have felt like I have been getting better only to feel worse than ever the next day. My symptoms have changed over the course of three years. I used to have a non-stop ringing headache and be unable to sleep at night, they have thankfully passed. Unreality came and hopefully is going. I think in some ways I used to have more drive because I had a picture of a car on my wall that I was determined to possess and I had

[andrew england 2]

so very true

I am learning that I'm not unusual or a freak, that most other people think exactly the same as me. That they have intrusive thoughts too, but that they don't feel the shame, the guilt or the fear about them that i do.

I am learning that 'normal' people aren't all super confident and sure of themselves, that we all struggle to find direction and meaning in life. I am also learning that the people I know who are the happiest are either those that have truly accepted their lot or those that keep pushing through fear, stretching themselves, expanding their comfort zones and seeking new experiences. Those that are the happiest are doing what they want with their lives, rather than conforming to what other people want them to do.

they are very true words - it is how we respond to life and I remember being in a pub some weeks ago and looking at the faces around me, these people experience exactly the same feelings I do, sadly I thought that by pulling completely into myself and by trying to analyse the myself and the world around me I could somehow work it all out and find a way to make myself and my life perfect. All I did by doing backing off from life was to run away and all it did was make everything 20 times worse.

There are people out there in the world who have been in concentration camps people who sadly have had bad accidents and now have life limiting conditions people who have been thru starvation war and extreme poverty. These people have rebuilt their lives and have contentment I cannot even imagine and why can they do it when I cannot ?

Perhaps I personally do have clinical depression, I am taking medication which treats this and will in time improve how I feel, but for now I sit at home and surf the net all day long smoking cigarettes and drinking tea and maybe watch a bit of tv in the evening so what do I expect, like wish says other people feel the same way I do and if they sat at home for months end doing what I do they would feel exactly the same way I do.

Wise words you put here wish.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

A couple of other things that I'm learning:

I'm learning that you have to give 100% to whatever you do if you want to get anything out of it. I used to be the sort of person that would always turn up late and never give my all because I thought that whatever it was I was doing was beneath me, that I wasn't going to learn anything or that I could breeze through it. You look at the athletes in the Commonwealth games, you see how happy, excited and full of life they are and you realise that their lives are dedicated to achieving their very best in their chosen sport. We can all find things to dedicate ourselves to.

I'm learning that the reason why I have been miserable for most of my life is because I've always been so uptight and tense. How can you enjoy things if you're not relaxed? I really want to find strategies and activities to help me to relax, whether that's relaxation CD's, yoga, tai-chi or just taking time out for myself. It is hard, because, since I started worrying about dying, I've always felt pressureof time to try and get as much done as possible- which, in some ways, is a good thing.

If you need a role model, put Sky Sports News on the tv this afternoon. There is a guy on their called Paul Sampson who is paralysed from the neck down after an horrific Rugby injury. His words were: 'I'm not bitter, I love the sport. You have to give yourself little goals to build up to the bigger picture'. His illness is physical and ours (predominantly) is mental, but the attitude he shows is one that we should all adopt.

By the way, I went for a blood test and blood pressure checks today and I was dreading it. Anything to do with doctors makes me automatically think of illness and death. One time I had a panic attack when I saw the blood and they had to put me on a stretcher! I'd been putting it off and, just before it, I was thinking of cancelling, but I did it and it was really, really easy, the same as with most things that I fear.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.