Guy's advice needed...Well, unless ladies have something to chip in! [Archive]

mercer88

24-01-11, 03:39

Getting over a severe bout of anxiety and have recently broke up with my partner of four years.

Our sex life was very, what's the polite way of putting it...well non-existent really, but since breaking up I have been right up for it!

Problem is I have next to zero confidence in myself and; having just come out of a fairly long relationship I don't know what women are after these days!

Should I make do with a hand shandy or is there any advice any anxiety ridden letharios can give me regarding their tips to getting women to meet their...short term needs shall we say!?

Raver

24-01-11, 11:30

Prostitutes.

I'm just kidding, sorry I have no idea. :D

missykat

24-01-11, 12:19

how about a blow up doll? :D

mercer88

25-01-11, 01:09

:yesyes:

Keep up the good work people! Great advice!

I'm just off to enjoy a night with a prozzie and a blow up doll!

...Ok, I lie. I could offer all the money in the world to a prostitute and she would reject...and I've tried blow up dolls before and they ALWAYS deflate before I can get anything done!

Damn sex is an annoying complication in life!

shoegal

25-01-11, 02:07

Women have the same problem too you know! The thing is I'm not into one night stands or anything so I'm just going to have to wait until Mr Right comes along...

I was going to say I hope he comes quickly, but that could be taken in entirely the wrong way! :winks:

mercer88

25-01-11, 02:17

I know that women also have the same issue shoegal...I just wish I could bloody meet one of them so we could give each other some Marvin Gaye-esque sexual healing!

And yes, I am fairly certain that you would like Mr. Right to enter your life soon...But come quickly...I am sure you don't want that. I am sure that his arrival is welcomed as soon as possible, while his coming should be delayed until you are at least satisfied!

As for things being taken the wrong way...what you get up to in the bedroom is your own business missy! :winks:

shoegal

25-01-11, 02:21

Sadly it's mostly reading and wrestling the duvet out from under the dog at the moment! :D

And a bit of sleeping of course.

ANYWAY... after my amazing success at the dentist today I have the most dazzling gnashers EVER... so I'm bound to attract a man now. :shades:

If only I could leave the house...

mercer88

25-01-11, 02:28

There's nothing wrong with that...Well, there is, you should probably train your dog better! Bloody mutt has a fur coat, tell it to keep the hell off of the duvet!

But as long as you are reading something interesting and can...ahem...take care of your own needs...you know...bedroom wise; as it were, there's nothing wrong with your routine!

As for sleeping, I find it most enjoyable but my body deems it over rated and thus, this practice escapes me somewhat more than the average person...Hence I spend most of my time awake wishing I had something to do...(or more precisely in the case of this thread, someone...)

shoegal

25-01-11, 02:36

Lol mercer88, you have such a way with words! The dog is allowed on the bed as he's only small and he's good company for me. He's also a great source of amusement and cheers me up no end.

As for reading material, I'm afraid I like a good old murder mystery or a spooky story.

I also suffer from insomnia and am often online during the night.

SueBee

25-01-11, 02:37

You two should get together lol :winks:

mercer88

25-01-11, 02:49

lol! Suebee; If anyone wants to get with an anxious, overweight, alcoholic depressive (albeit a very handsome, eloquent, well educated one) they are welcome to join the depressingly small queue!

Oh...And I am willing to travel; I am that desperate!

shoegal

25-01-11, 02:53

Perhaps we should have a dating section on this website, lol?!! :shrug:

Seriously though, I do sometimes wonder how I'll ever meet someone. I can't travel far due to my agoraphobia and I don't meet many single men when I'm out walking my dog. Even if I do meet someone I'm very nervous about getting involved with anybody because I feel very guilty about how my agoraphobia would impact on them.

mercer88

25-01-11, 02:59

I am sure there are many benefits to an agoraphobic woman...Not least the fact that she is always at home to spend time in the most important rooms in the house for a woman, i.e. the kitchen and the bedroom (nothing like some ironic, post-feminist sexism! :D)

You'd be surprised who you may bump into walking the dog. Meeting people is not something that should be forced. The best relationships aren't through hard work or effort, they just happen.

As for worrying about how your agoraphobia will affect a man. Read my above humourous, albeit sexist comment and tell me most men will be worried about you spending all your time in the house! Besides which; the right guy will always make you feel like a princess out of it as well, so you'll soon lose your fear.

shoegal

25-01-11, 03:09

Well sadly all my efforts in the kitchen and other rooms in the house (*cough*) have been unappreciated so I think I'll just concentrate on myself until Mr Right comes along. In fact I might have to buy myself a bunch of flowers. :D

mercer88

25-01-11, 03:18

Best to concentrate on yourself whether Mr. Right comes along or not!

Still, I am sure you are domestic Goddess enough to match Nigella Lawson herself; so don't give up on the kitchen and (*cough*) other room stuff just yet!

As for buying yourself flowers, if that will make you happy then do it! But I would say sod your agoraphobia for a few days and buy yourself a spa weekend instead! You'll still feel warm and cosy inside, but you'll have the added benefit of having other people take care of you for a while and not have to worry about disposing of their stinking remains when they die...

...that was supposed to be funny, but turned out kind of macabre...someone call Tim Burton and tell him I have a great idea for a miserable movie!

shoegal

25-01-11, 03:39

I'm not sure I get what you mean about the stinking remains... but moving on...

I have been a nervous wreck since Friday because I found out I had a Dentist appointment. Let me tell you that visiting the Dentist is my WORST fear so having braved it and had my teeth polished to perfection I'm on cloud nine right now. I have decided to buy myself some DVD's and some other treats that I've not yet decided on, and I'm going to curl up on the sofa and RELAX. I will still be walking the dog every day and that's a challenge in itself!

As it happens I am quite a good cook, and I love spoiling my man with hearty home cooked food... just got to find him now. In the meantime I will spoil my pooch with my culinary delights (he had roast chicken with petit pois and carrots in PROPER gravy with biscuits tonight). It's alright for some isn't it?!!

mercer88

25-01-11, 03:51

Stinking remains was relating to flowers...It's a long story but ultimately I disagree with them as a romantic gesture as all you are doing is taking something beautiful, cutting off it's circulatory system and keeping it artificially alive using water...If I wanted to show a woman I truly loved her I would plant her a garden of flowers and keep the damn things alive rather than give her a bunch of what are essentially withering former photosynthetic organisms...One of my many neuroses!

Glad to hear you are spoiling yourself for doing well! It is one thing I, and many others often forget to do, and yet it can make a person feel so much better!

As for the dog...Lucky bloody thing! I ate a bowl of Jordan's country crisp and yoghurt because I couldn't be bothered to cook myself anything tonight...Now I'm hungry...In fact, thanks to jealousy as to what your little canine ate, even more so! mmmm...Roast Chicken...

shoegal

25-01-11, 03:59

Funny you should say that, I just talked myself into nipping into the kitchen and eating a drumstick. :blush:

As for the flowers, I agree that a living plant is better than a bunch of dead flowers BUT having said that it is a nice treat once in a while. I know this will amuse others but I always used to tell my ex he was only allowed to buy me flowers if they looked OK but were in the reduced section ie less than £1, lol. Then I felt as if I was rescuing them, and I would appreciate them brightening up my kitchen windowsill for a few days. Indoor living plants are OK but I always manage to kill them or they end up covered in bugs.

mercer88

25-01-11, 04:11

Don't feel too bad. There are full time hitmen, 50 years in the business with less blood on their hands than I have chlorophyll on mine! Killing houseplants is practically my profession!

And you are correct, your story about flower rescue will probably amuse many people. Myself included. But it is also admirable. Those beautiful, colourful little beings need a good home when they look a little droopy on a supermarket garage forecourt.

shoegal

25-01-11, 04:28

Killing houseplants is practically your profession? The mind boggles! And there was me thinking you were a gynaecologist! :roflmao:

mercer88

25-01-11, 04:29

How does the expression go...

"Jack of all trades..."

shoegal

25-01-11, 04:35

Jack of what? :winks:

mercer88

25-01-11, 04:42

If I were not a naive young man I would suggest that was flirtatious!

...Possibly...It could be that the winky face gave it away.

I, missy, am a Jack of all trades. I can Jack anything to a proficient degree. When it comes to Jacking, there are few better than I! Whether it be houseplant murder, or gynaecology, I can Jack it without issue!

shoegal

25-01-11, 04:45

Thank goodness you didn't mistype 'winky face' then...

mercer88

25-01-11, 04:48

I am a gentleman well versed in the type of face insinuated by your innuendo, and as such, could not possibly confuse the two...

Were a man to pull that face under such circumstances I would suggest he call an ambulance, chances are it is a stroke...

...Ok, even the word stroke seems dirty now...I swear you have corrupted my mind woman!

shoegal

25-01-11, 04:53

Says he... after imagining that Alice In Wonderland was a buxom blonde and after discussing his rubber burns... :ohmy:

mercer88

25-01-11, 04:59

You have an irritatingly good memory...

Ok...I was corrupted a long time ago! but it seems you are just the same, despite your innocent stories about reading and kicking the dog out of the bed (quite what you're doing in the bed that you feel the need for privacy for I cannot say; merely speculate! :winks:)

Anyway, are you that much of an insomniac, such as I, that you are not enjoying the gentle caress of sleep's sweet dreams on your beautiful slumbering body? Rather than bringing up my fantasies about magically conjuring nubile young blondes for my own physical amusement!

shoegal

25-01-11, 05:29

I never said I needed privacy... I think that's your imagination running wild again! I don't need privacy from the dog if that's what you mean, I just have to shove him out of the way because he hogs all the duvet despite him being rather small!

I am not enjoying the sweet caress of sleeps gentle dreams yet (oh you do have a way with words) but I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and then I'm going to snuggle up under the duvet and read my book until I pass out. So night night, speak to you soon I hope. :)

And no naughty thoughts while I'm gone. Tut tut.

P.S. I'm blonde. :whistles: