lior
27-01-11, 10:35
I feel like a total bitch. I'm fickle. How can I stop being fickle?
I've had quite a few mid-term boyfriends. I'm 21 and I've certainly had more boyfriends than most other people my age. After a couple of months I fall in love, and they are wonderful, and suddenly I fall out of love, and feel trapped and can't bear them any more.
I've been doing fine - I was depressed and on citalopram last year - but then I fell in love, and got terribly anxious because I know he doesn't feel the same way. Then, when we were drunk at a party, he told me he'd give me 8 out of 10, which really hurt. When you're in love, shouldn't you be each other's 10 out of 10? I realised that he's not my 10 out of 10 either. If we're not even perfection to each other when we're in the honeymoon period, is that enough to base a relationship on?
Despite his efforts to reassure me, I still worry. I don't think there's anything he could say now to help me. I don't know how I feel any more. I feel like I love him for a few seconds, then it passes.
When I look back, it's easy to say I've never been in love, but when you're in that moment, with someone wonderful, and your heart's beating faster and your head gets that fizzy thing and you feel like you're burning, you feel so intensely for this person, you'd do things for them you don't even want to do... how is that not love? It can't be just lust. My heart feels like a massive space is coming out of my chest, inflating, and the feeling pours out into this space in front of my chest; I can't see it but I can feel it's there, buoyant, trying to reach out to touch him.
What kind of love is that? Why can't I keep on feeling that way?
What usually happens, then, is by the time I've fallen in and out of love over the course of a few months, my partner has fallen in love with me, but slower, so when I leave they get upset.
I was cautious on purpose with this one. He's a really nice guy. I don't want to hurt him. But I have warned him several times about this love thing. I didn't want to commit to a relationship with him until I couldn't resist him any more, then I quickly fell in love, and then he said the 8 out of 10 thing and now I can't stop worrying. It's getting me down. I can't work. I find it hard to wake up. That's how my depression began. I don't want to go there again.
I don't know what to do. Nothing he can say will help. I want to stay feeling something - the only thing I've managed to stay feeling for a longish period of time was depression - never love. But I don't want to make myself be in love; I've tried that a couple of times and it just makes the situation worse.
Sometimes I want to just break up with him. I won't hurt him too much if it's sooner rather than later, and i won't have to deal with it either. But then I suddenly love him. And he's so lovely, why would I throw that away?
It's a constant seesawing battle in my mind. I wish it would just stop!! What should I do?
I've had quite a few mid-term boyfriends. I'm 21 and I've certainly had more boyfriends than most other people my age. After a couple of months I fall in love, and they are wonderful, and suddenly I fall out of love, and feel trapped and can't bear them any more.
I've been doing fine - I was depressed and on citalopram last year - but then I fell in love, and got terribly anxious because I know he doesn't feel the same way. Then, when we were drunk at a party, he told me he'd give me 8 out of 10, which really hurt. When you're in love, shouldn't you be each other's 10 out of 10? I realised that he's not my 10 out of 10 either. If we're not even perfection to each other when we're in the honeymoon period, is that enough to base a relationship on?
Despite his efforts to reassure me, I still worry. I don't think there's anything he could say now to help me. I don't know how I feel any more. I feel like I love him for a few seconds, then it passes.
When I look back, it's easy to say I've never been in love, but when you're in that moment, with someone wonderful, and your heart's beating faster and your head gets that fizzy thing and you feel like you're burning, you feel so intensely for this person, you'd do things for them you don't even want to do... how is that not love? It can't be just lust. My heart feels like a massive space is coming out of my chest, inflating, and the feeling pours out into this space in front of my chest; I can't see it but I can feel it's there, buoyant, trying to reach out to touch him.
What kind of love is that? Why can't I keep on feeling that way?
What usually happens, then, is by the time I've fallen in and out of love over the course of a few months, my partner has fallen in love with me, but slower, so when I leave they get upset.
I was cautious on purpose with this one. He's a really nice guy. I don't want to hurt him. But I have warned him several times about this love thing. I didn't want to commit to a relationship with him until I couldn't resist him any more, then I quickly fell in love, and then he said the 8 out of 10 thing and now I can't stop worrying. It's getting me down. I can't work. I find it hard to wake up. That's how my depression began. I don't want to go there again.
I don't know what to do. Nothing he can say will help. I want to stay feeling something - the only thing I've managed to stay feeling for a longish period of time was depression - never love. But I don't want to make myself be in love; I've tried that a couple of times and it just makes the situation worse.
Sometimes I want to just break up with him. I won't hurt him too much if it's sooner rather than later, and i won't have to deal with it either. But then I suddenly love him. And he's so lovely, why would I throw that away?
It's a constant seesawing battle in my mind. I wish it would just stop!! What should I do?